Relieved. Tests ok, but still work to do!
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 7
Relieved. Tests ok, but still work to do!
Been lurking for a while now. On day 28. My initial plan was to take a 30 day "break" and "reset". Now I'm planning on 60 days, and will see where I go from there.
Telling my story as #1, I'm relieved, and #2, I see so many here who feel hopeless, fear they are on death's bed, and in full blown panic mode. Wondering when, or even if their livers will ever recover.
Was a heavy drinker in my 20's. A 12 pack of beer a night, every night, give or take. This went on for 10 years or so. Then symptoms hit. Nagging dull ache under right ribs that so many of us are familiar with.
I started the whole Dr. Google thing. Put down the beer and did not touch another drop for about 6 years. The next 5 or so were extremely moderate drinking...a few beers around the campfire every few months.
But with my initial scare, and thanks to Dr. Google and not going to the real doc, I had myself worked up into such a state, I just knew I was dying. Praying for "5 more years". Bad facial and feet itching. I mean bad. Panic attacks. Electrical shock sensations as I would drift off to sleep. After a couple months of this, I wound up in the ER one night, just sure I was checking out.
They sent me home. A few days later I was back. Different ER. Doc rather rudely told me (after they checked me out) that "don't come back here unless you have a real emergency. This is a place for sick people. You're having anxiety attacks".
Pfft. What did he know. Google told me different. I now realize all of that for what it was....withdrawals and anxiety. But at the time, I did not.
Finally went in to a regular doc. Brutally honest about my fears, and how much I'd been drinking. God, was I worked up. I was a mess. A real mess. Hadn't slept properly in months. I was afraid to sleep thinking I wouldn't wake up. Only sheer exhaustion was able to put me out from time to time.
He ran all the tests. Came back normal. I "knew" this couldn't be right. Because I'd read so. A few weeks later, CT scan. I was in such a state I was requesting a liver biopsy. Really? He said if the CT scan didn't ease my fears, he would consider referring me for a biopsy (he may have just been blowing smoke, I find it hard to believe now he'd actually refer me for that in the absence of abnormal tests).
CT scan came back with mild fatty liver. He said to lose weight, continue moderation on the drinks (I was at zero and had been for a while), and come back and see him in 6 months.
Things got far better from there. Took a while to get past the anxiety, but I did. As the months and years passed, I realized I wasn't dying. And started living again.
Well, with dating, going out with friends to the occasional happy hour, a serious promotion, life was looking up. Had a couple short term bouts of heavy drinking (getting drunk) a few days here and there, but still see that as momentary over indulging rather than a chronic issue. More of a weekend semi-binge drinker with the occasional happy hour thrown in (and yes, I realize this is categorized as problem drinking). Would go days or weeks without. But did like to "tie one on" from time to time.
More years passed, and got to a few years ago. Tremendous stress had me drinking more than I should have been. Still quite functional, and would often go days or weeks without, but when I did drink, half the time it was too much.
Ramped up a bit here last year to where I recognized (again) it was an issue. Drinking during the week, at home, alone. Would get home and grab a drink. Wife would go to bed, and I'd stay up. "Just one more". Started leading to several more. And going to work with hangovers. Or staying up several hours after the W went to bed, until 2am, drinking alone, just "having a good time" listening to music or surfing the interwebs.
Final straw was over a month ago, the W said I called her a "b!tch" as I was stumbling around getting into bed. She said I was quite angry. This wasn't the first time I'd let my anger get the better of me after too much to drink (typically just a slamming of a door as I walked off grumbling to myself), but it was the first time I had no recollection. I mean zero. Usually I could always remember what happened the night before, especially with a reminder. Not this time. And it scared the hell outta me.
We just don't do that. Never have. Have never been abusive (physically or verbally) to her. Have never called her a name (except once where she REALLY screwed up bad). And I wasn't even upset over anything this last time. Just in a bit of a rut I guess, but geez, nothing to get angry over.
Might sound pretty tame compared to the regrets some may have, but for me it was a huge deal. I've had bigger regrets in the past, but those were so many years ago, I learned my lesson.
Not the first time I've blacked out and couldn't remember a few things, but it was getting more frequent, and the name calling / anger thing was a wake up call. Not to mention the aching which had returned in my mid-section, and had been there a few months. I knew part of it was weight gain (I'd packed back on about 25 lbs), but also knew part of it was alcohol).
Put it down after that night. A month ago. Knew at an absolute minimum, I needed a "reset". A good long one. I planned on 30 days.
No anxiety this time, but the following days when the itching returned, I knew I'd gone too far once again.
So, as I wake up this morning and go about the morning routine, for the first time in a long time I think "hey....I feel GREAT". Like I just suddenly turned some corner. It all seemed to change between last night and this morning. I'd been gradually feeling better day by day, but today is the first day I felt "great", and it came on quite suddenly. First time in I don't know how long I woke up and started moving about without the ache or without the itching (both of which have been steadily subsiding), as well as just mentally clear and feeling good.
But, I was stressed, as I knew my most recent LFT tests were coming back today or tomorrow. And with the way I was feeling, there was no way they were not out of whack. No way. And I had myself braced and mentally prepared for the bad news I was 90% sure was coming.
Results came in a few hours later. Went down to be alone before I looked at them, as I was scared all to heck, and didn't want to be around anyone when I got the bad news.
All in normal range. In fact the lowest in the normal range they've ever been in the last 20 years that I've kept records. Okay, only by a few points, but still! Wasn't even flirting with the high end of normal on any of them.
So, tonight, I get to go home and celebrate. With my tonic and grapefruit juice or iced tea, and think about where the last 30 days have taken me, and now....where my next 30 will.
Am I done for good? Who knows. I know I came into this with the intent of a 30 day break, figuring "if I can't do at least that, then it IS a SERIOUS problem". And last week I decided I'm now going 60 and "see how I feel about it all then". The good results on my LFT's don't change that for me. Presently it's about "control", which I'd lost a bit of again, as well as health due to the warning shots fired across the ribs in the form of the dull ache.
Thanks for "listening"!!!
Telling my story as #1, I'm relieved, and #2, I see so many here who feel hopeless, fear they are on death's bed, and in full blown panic mode. Wondering when, or even if their livers will ever recover.
Was a heavy drinker in my 20's. A 12 pack of beer a night, every night, give or take. This went on for 10 years or so. Then symptoms hit. Nagging dull ache under right ribs that so many of us are familiar with.
I started the whole Dr. Google thing. Put down the beer and did not touch another drop for about 6 years. The next 5 or so were extremely moderate drinking...a few beers around the campfire every few months.
But with my initial scare, and thanks to Dr. Google and not going to the real doc, I had myself worked up into such a state, I just knew I was dying. Praying for "5 more years". Bad facial and feet itching. I mean bad. Panic attacks. Electrical shock sensations as I would drift off to sleep. After a couple months of this, I wound up in the ER one night, just sure I was checking out.
They sent me home. A few days later I was back. Different ER. Doc rather rudely told me (after they checked me out) that "don't come back here unless you have a real emergency. This is a place for sick people. You're having anxiety attacks".
Pfft. What did he know. Google told me different. I now realize all of that for what it was....withdrawals and anxiety. But at the time, I did not.
Finally went in to a regular doc. Brutally honest about my fears, and how much I'd been drinking. God, was I worked up. I was a mess. A real mess. Hadn't slept properly in months. I was afraid to sleep thinking I wouldn't wake up. Only sheer exhaustion was able to put me out from time to time.
He ran all the tests. Came back normal. I "knew" this couldn't be right. Because I'd read so. A few weeks later, CT scan. I was in such a state I was requesting a liver biopsy. Really? He said if the CT scan didn't ease my fears, he would consider referring me for a biopsy (he may have just been blowing smoke, I find it hard to believe now he'd actually refer me for that in the absence of abnormal tests).
CT scan came back with mild fatty liver. He said to lose weight, continue moderation on the drinks (I was at zero and had been for a while), and come back and see him in 6 months.
Things got far better from there. Took a while to get past the anxiety, but I did. As the months and years passed, I realized I wasn't dying. And started living again.
Well, with dating, going out with friends to the occasional happy hour, a serious promotion, life was looking up. Had a couple short term bouts of heavy drinking (getting drunk) a few days here and there, but still see that as momentary over indulging rather than a chronic issue. More of a weekend semi-binge drinker with the occasional happy hour thrown in (and yes, I realize this is categorized as problem drinking). Would go days or weeks without. But did like to "tie one on" from time to time.
More years passed, and got to a few years ago. Tremendous stress had me drinking more than I should have been. Still quite functional, and would often go days or weeks without, but when I did drink, half the time it was too much.
Ramped up a bit here last year to where I recognized (again) it was an issue. Drinking during the week, at home, alone. Would get home and grab a drink. Wife would go to bed, and I'd stay up. "Just one more". Started leading to several more. And going to work with hangovers. Or staying up several hours after the W went to bed, until 2am, drinking alone, just "having a good time" listening to music or surfing the interwebs.
Final straw was over a month ago, the W said I called her a "b!tch" as I was stumbling around getting into bed. She said I was quite angry. This wasn't the first time I'd let my anger get the better of me after too much to drink (typically just a slamming of a door as I walked off grumbling to myself), but it was the first time I had no recollection. I mean zero. Usually I could always remember what happened the night before, especially with a reminder. Not this time. And it scared the hell outta me.
We just don't do that. Never have. Have never been abusive (physically or verbally) to her. Have never called her a name (except once where she REALLY screwed up bad). And I wasn't even upset over anything this last time. Just in a bit of a rut I guess, but geez, nothing to get angry over.
Might sound pretty tame compared to the regrets some may have, but for me it was a huge deal. I've had bigger regrets in the past, but those were so many years ago, I learned my lesson.
Not the first time I've blacked out and couldn't remember a few things, but it was getting more frequent, and the name calling / anger thing was a wake up call. Not to mention the aching which had returned in my mid-section, and had been there a few months. I knew part of it was weight gain (I'd packed back on about 25 lbs), but also knew part of it was alcohol).
Put it down after that night. A month ago. Knew at an absolute minimum, I needed a "reset". A good long one. I planned on 30 days.
No anxiety this time, but the following days when the itching returned, I knew I'd gone too far once again.
So, as I wake up this morning and go about the morning routine, for the first time in a long time I think "hey....I feel GREAT". Like I just suddenly turned some corner. It all seemed to change between last night and this morning. I'd been gradually feeling better day by day, but today is the first day I felt "great", and it came on quite suddenly. First time in I don't know how long I woke up and started moving about without the ache or without the itching (both of which have been steadily subsiding), as well as just mentally clear and feeling good.
But, I was stressed, as I knew my most recent LFT tests were coming back today or tomorrow. And with the way I was feeling, there was no way they were not out of whack. No way. And I had myself braced and mentally prepared for the bad news I was 90% sure was coming.
Results came in a few hours later. Went down to be alone before I looked at them, as I was scared all to heck, and didn't want to be around anyone when I got the bad news.
All in normal range. In fact the lowest in the normal range they've ever been in the last 20 years that I've kept records. Okay, only by a few points, but still! Wasn't even flirting with the high end of normal on any of them.
So, tonight, I get to go home and celebrate. With my tonic and grapefruit juice or iced tea, and think about where the last 30 days have taken me, and now....where my next 30 will.
Am I done for good? Who knows. I know I came into this with the intent of a 30 day break, figuring "if I can't do at least that, then it IS a SERIOUS problem". And last week I decided I'm now going 60 and "see how I feel about it all then". The good results on my LFT's don't change that for me. Presently it's about "control", which I'd lost a bit of again, as well as health due to the warning shots fired across the ribs in the form of the dull ache.
Thanks for "listening"!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
So glad you are here and that you've decided to stop drinking. As you've already proved to yourself, over and over, the alcohol free life is so much better in every possible way than the anxiety filled, fear and loathing and regrets of drinking as a way of life. It's good you are starting with 30 and then 60 days, but I urge you to kick alcohol out of your life permanently. You've seen what a roller coaster it is to quit a while, attempt (unsuccessfully) to moderate, binge again, feel sick and ashamed, more anxious than ever, try to cut back, binge again.. the cycle, over and over. Who needs that life?
I'm sure you know that alcohol only increases anxiety. And as someone myself who struggles with anxiety and depression, I found firsthand how drinking only makes both worse.
Give your body and mind the gift of not being soaked and damaged by alcohol ... keep up the good work!
And congratulations on the good test results!
I'm sure you know that alcohol only increases anxiety. And as someone myself who struggles with anxiety and depression, I found firsthand how drinking only makes both worse.
Give your body and mind the gift of not being soaked and damaged by alcohol ... keep up the good work!
And congratulations on the good test results!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
welcome danrs 
Glad things are looking up for. you ..I hope you close the door to future drinking tho - if you're blacking out and acting contrary to way you want to act now, things tend to get worse not better with continued drinking., and things can turn bad very quickly,
If there's a way to throw things into reverse I never found it.
what I did find was that I liked the sober me and I liked the life I could have a sober person.
Yeah it's radically different to my old life, but honestly by the time I quit my life was a mess.
I'm grateful for the chance to be the authentic me again - I hope you'll give yourself that chance too
D
Glad things are looking up for. you ..I hope you close the door to future drinking tho - if you're blacking out and acting contrary to way you want to act now, things tend to get worse not better with continued drinking., and things can turn bad very quickly,
If there's a way to throw things into reverse I never found it.
what I did find was that I liked the sober me and I liked the life I could have a sober person.
Yeah it's radically different to my old life, but honestly by the time I quit my life was a mess.
I'm grateful for the chance to be the authentic me again - I hope you'll give yourself that chance too
D
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