mns1

Really sick and tired of the same pattern every single day.

Wake up to alarm.

Instantly regret having drank the night before.

Dread going to work for the day.

Drink tons of caffeine in a hopeless attempt to not feel depleted of energy (starting to think it actually is making me feel worse).

Go about my day arguing back and forth with my AV about how I don’t want to drink but (I let) it ultimately convinces me that I’ll miss my nightly drinking routine and somehow I’ll suffer miserably without it even though I have had several sober nights lately that were not miserable in any way whatsoever as long as I didn’t engage my AV.

All the while I’m having anxiety about getting up for work the next day hungover while simultaneously telling myself how dumb that is considering all I have to do to avoid that experience is not freaking drink.

Cave at the last minute and stop at the liqour store on my way home from work.

This insanity has to stop.

A friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic with decades of sobriety told me that the day he quit drinking for good, he had just reached a point where he was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

That’s exactly how I feel.

Plan for the remainder of my day:

Stay active on here as much as possible.

Drive straight home from work. Stay out of my bedroom since that’s where I normally drink. Sleep on the couch if I have to. Watch a movie or read a book — whichever strikes me as more appealing.

And most importantly, post on here if I am having thoughts of drinking. That’s what I have always failed to do in the past. Tonight will be different.

least

Post instead of drinking. Come here and let us talk you out of it. I hope you make this your last day one. A sober life is worth the effort it takes.

Atlast9999

Stay close to SR. Together let’s get you to day 2.

DreamCatcher17

Sounds like a wonderful plan.

mns1

Amen.

mns1

Have to get back to work for a few hours. Getting right back on here as soon as I am home for the evening.

I get these random surges of anxiety that I think are caused by my AV. Just had one. They don’t last long, but they are almost always followed immediately by a strong plan/urge to start drinking as soon as I get home. Happy to say that that is not the case. Still feeling a bit of the anxiety but am trying not to resist it. Just letting it run its course.

mns1

Waiting for a client to show up and my AV out of nowhere goes:

Maybe your first appt tomorrow will cancel and you can sleep in a little. Yay we can get drunk tonight!

Nope.

JustTony

Your AV has a twin brother. I know him well.

Gladly I told him to ermmmmm - let’s say ‘go away’ - I’ve been happy ever since.

Strength to you. Day 1 is the hardest but you can do it.

JT

thomas11

Very well written post, very vivid and accurate. My thought process was very similar, knew I wanted to quit, but would inevitably pull into the liquor store and do it all over. Lastly, in addition to some other things I was simply sick and tired of it all. Drinking is A LOT of work.

AwkwardKitty

I'm back for day 1 too, I'm with you.

Everything you said absolutely resonated with me. I've been waking up regretful and then talking myself back into drinking 'just one last time', looking for any loophole or opportunity to convince myself to.

I'm sick and tired now. This isn't the life I want. I have so many wonderful things in my life that alcohol is stopping me from fully embracing.

Let's get to day 2

mns1

When I look at how out of my way I will go at times just to get my next bottle, it really is.

mns1

Roger that!

I used to say that I convinced “myself” to drink. But I have grown to like the AVRT method where it is my addictive voice (AV) that does the convincing. I of course take responsibility for LETTING it convince me. But I know deep down that the real me wants nothing to do with it.

Dee74

Welcome back mns

I hope you've reached that point too...but even so you'll probably still hear the old siren call from time to time.

Its good to have a recovery action plan to deal with those moments, and now, while you have no inclination to drink at all, is a great time to make one

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

August252015

Really glad you are both here mns and Awkward Kitty!

Mns you and your friend agreed on he same conclusion I finally did- I was so sick, and so tired....and it had to stop.

Dee has that great thread about plans and starting one is critical- today all you have to do is not drink. We are here.

You can do this-stuff like sleeping on the sofa if you have to...whatever little stuff that is big because it distracts us from or breaks the drinking patterns we had, all is so crucial and OK whether it might seem weird!!

Talk to you soon.

rae1973

Congratulations and thanks for posting. I have only visited this blog a few times but need to more often. When I read your posts I can relate. This has been perfect for me in this moment. I am on day one again...… and have had a great day but that voice is trying to creep in. "No one will be home tonight so they won't care" "You only have one more day off then you are working a ton." "One more time. How will one day matter?" The cycle in my mind is exhausting. I am at the point I cant even stand myself. It feels like there are two completely different people inside my head.

mns1

I know that feeling. And it literally is two different parts of our brain communicating back and forth. One operates out of our conscious control and it wants one thing: alcohol. And the sucker is VERY persuasive. The other is under our conscious control and that’s the part of us that knows we shouldn’t and deep down don’t even want to drink.

Let’s both tell that alcohol-obessed part to F off.

mns1

Thanks for all the replies.

Dee I am already thinking about my plan for how I’m going to end this nonsense. Right at the top is posting on here as often as I can but especially when my AV rears its ugly head.

It’s crazy, I was chatting with a client earlier and they said the word beer and BANG, that beast in there was screaming. I tried to just not engage it and let it fall silent, which it quickly did. But it was a reminder of just how vigilant I am going to need to stay moving forward.

Drove straight home from work and am now lounging in the couch watching TV. I just hope I get some sleep.

Dee74

I hope so too mns

D

mns1

My AV seems to be very sensitive to words this evening. A character on TV mentioned drinking a glass of wine and the beast stirred a bit. And I never even drank wine.

Bubovski

My day ones were so boring, and then they became quite frightening.
Now I strive daily to keep those frighteners salient.