tracer

Hi everyone. I am struggling a lot with codependence and trusting my own reality. i grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and definitely come from trauma from that. I have been sober from alcohol for 30 years. I had a brief slip with pot 20 years ago and another with percocet 10 years ago. I am currently free of all mind altering substances. I recently dated someone who is using marijuana both prescribed but also recreationally. she is a self described "pothead" and admits to having addiction issues. Because of my past I feel like it is not safe for me to date someone who is using one of my drugs of choice. we mutually agreed to stop dating but I am having a terrible time convincing myself that I made the right decision. I keep thinking I should be able to have this person in my life. I've been doing a lot of reading about codependency and abandoning our own reality for someone elses which is exactly what I am doing. I amn constantly on the verge of contacting this person and trying to date her again or have her in my life as a friend even though I know its not in my best interest to have someone who is using a drug that I am in recovery from in my life. How do people deal with urges like this and get back into trusting their own reality instead of someone elses . this other persons reality is that pot isnt as bad as alcohol and she is not hurting anyone but herself, pot is not addictive, etc. I find myself abandoning my own beliefs about addiction in order to get her back into my life. I'm sorry if this is repetitive to people who have read my other posts but I am really struggling with this and need support. thank you.

SmallButMighty

That's an awfully dangerous and slippery slope for a person in recovery.

I suggest you trust your instincts about what is best for your life.

She would choose smoking pot daily, despite the discomfort for you, even though she isn't addicted? ..interesting..

I compromised my own morals, values and ethics for many years while married to an alcoholic. It was extremely detrimental to my health, on all levels.

Try to stay active. Eat well, get lots of exercise, work at a hobby that takes your concentration.

trailmix

Play it forward? So you decide to keep dating her, what is the reality (yours) of that?

Maybe it isn't as bad as alcohol for her. Maybe she isn't hurting anyone except herself. As for addictive or not, well I suppose different individuals have different takes on that.

The truth is, as a recovering addict can you be around an addict and be comfortable with that? Doesn't seem like it (or you wouldn't be here!).

You know deep down this is a bad choice for you, that alone is a good enough reason to stay away. You also know that you are going to be tempted to use if you stay with her. Maybe there is a draw there in fact? I don't know, I don't know what your convictions about drug use are right now but having a girlfriend and also an excuse to use might seem quite tempting?

You are looking out for yourself though and that's very important. Keep doing that! Doesn't sound like this person is the right fit for you. Continue dating others, there is someone out there for you.

As for your posts being "repetitive" don't worry about that at all, if you want to go over what you think might be old ground, please do.

trailmix

Double post!

tracer

yes I know shes not good for me, and interestingly enough, when I got sober nobody in my family changed a thing to accomodate my new way of life. I was still in charge of pouring the wine at dinner and fetching beers for my father after work, even though I was hospitalized and almost died from drinking. Interesting that I found a person to date who is choosing a drug over me. Its triggering me on all kinds of levels, and my obsession to get her back into my life is truly an act of recreating my past and trying to change the ending. Its brutal, I need a lot of support which is why I am posting. I learned at a very early age not o trust my own reality, and that is what I am doing now. Before I met this woman I there was no way I would consider dating even a casual pot smoker as it is a huge trigger for me, but here I am trying to justify it..

SparkleKitty

Tracer, I too grew up in an alcoholic home, and I too had an especially hard time walking away from relationships even when I knew they were--at best--not healthy for me and at worst, even abusive. Letting go of something bad still seemed preferable to being alone.

What I learned through a lot of therapy is that without a foundation of self-love and self-respect (which I never learned in childhood due to the particular family dysfunction of addiction), there was no external relationship I could be in that would fill that hole in my soul or psyche. I had to spend a lot of time on my own--forgiving myself, treating myself with respect, learning to love and care for myself the way we are all meant to, without the pressures of a relationship distracting me--before I was even in a position to find or attract a healthy partner, and today my husband and I are celebrating our eighth wedding anniversary. I wouldn't have ever been able to find someone I am so happy and content with if I hadn't faced my fear of being alone, and just kept jumping from one person to another in a desperate search for the love and validation I never got at home.

Mango212

Now that you're getting a clear view of some dysfunction inside you, that your inner compass is bring you towards unhealthy people, the solution would be resetting that internal compass.

How? You get to decide. Pray, meditate, trust there are many ways to heal.

Al-anon is a good resource. So is Celebrate Recovery. Individual therapy with people who really understand the complexities of addictions in families.

I've found healing in many unexpected places, lead by my Higher Power, including physical therapy, Reiki and kayaking.

atalose

What exactly is it about this woman that has you questioning things, willing to jeopardize your own sobriety? Is she is the most beautiful woman you’ve ever dated? Is she the most smartest? Does she have the best personality of anyone you’ve ever met? What’s the draw exactly that seems to have you hooked on someone you only recently met?

AnvilheadII

the key here is that you are trying to JUSTIFY why it's ok to have a drug user in your close inner circle.

three hallmarks of addiction are:
Rationalization
Justification
Minimization

now is the time to double down on YOUR recovery, stick to your plan, up your game, get refocused on living a clean and sober life.

tracer

good question ! well, I havent dated in a very long time and was really feeling like i wasnt able to feel attracted to anyone ever again. I definitely shut down a lot in between relationships and spend many years alone thinking a relationship is not in the cards for me.
I felt an immediate attraction to this woman, and she is very thoughtful and nice, pretty much physically my exact type. we had fun talking and texting and both were hoping that we found the right person. I guess I just really liked her and after going 10 years without feeling that way about anyone I got attached to the fantasy of having a relationship again. I am not one to go from one to the other. I tend to shut down for years in between relationships. the longest relationship I've ever had was 2 years long. most are 1-3 months, and I just turned 54 so i feel like theres not a lot of people left out there. This woman just seemed right to me...

Bernadette

I definitely shut down a lot in between relationships and spend many years alone thinking a relationship is not in the cards for me.

I just turned 54 so i feel like theres not a lot of people left out there.

These are very powerful and limiting thoughts.

But I've never been able to just "stop my limiting thoughts!" LOL I needed therapy to help me figure out how to see myself as worthy of the kind of relationship I wanted, and to truly break free of my parents' alkie/codie blueprint they laid out in my childhood...

Cognitive Behavior Therapy helped me a lot with changing my thinking to be more rational instead of all or nothing. And just good ol' regular talk therapy helped me face myself, the good, bad, and ugly, and start being compassionate with my whole self, forgive myself, see myself as loveable and capable of loving. I had to learn to recognize what is actual (my reality!) loving behavior in a relationship both with myself and another person. AlAnon helped me a lot with throwing out that damn blueprint.

Blessings on your sobriety Tracer. That is the biggest most generous gift you have given to yourself and the world! Cherish it! Did you / do you work some kind of recovery program to make that happen?

Peace,
B.

tracer

oh yes, AA (started in 1988) and NA since my slip in the late 90's. still going to meetings and doing stepwork. just started with a new therapist yesterday. I have been to Alanon and SLAA also, I'm ready for this self abandonment pattern to end.

NYCDoglvr

This isn't about her problem or lack of one, it's about YOU and your addiction. I've also been sober a long time and wouldn't date someone who smoked weed.....I wouldn't stay sober. Remember, you can't be high and sober at the same time.

atalose

Until she wasn’t and you realized that before investing any more of yourself into it. This is what dating is all about, meeting people, getting to know them and see if they are a fit in our lives and if they are not we need to have the strength to walk away and keep on walking without turning around and running back.

If you don’t date a lot and tend to shut down for long periods of time I would imagine that someone attractive and fun to talk to would be extremely appealing to you. And if you worked on the not shutting down and isolating so much I’m sure you would meet many more nice people that you are attracted to.

tracer

I get it. Still want to get in touch with her sadly tho. It was fun and affirming having a mutual interest in each other, something I didn't think was possible for me. I'm sad that she is choosing a drug over dating me and often beat myself up for being an addict thinking if I wasn't an addict her pot use wouldn't be a problem for me and we could date. Also still holding out hope that my sobriety touched a nerve with her and maybe she will want to quit using and call me. just sad about it and wishing things were different.

AnvilheadII

she didn't choose a drug over you.....she chose the drug, then you came along.

maia1234

Tracer,
She is an addict and their drug of choice always comes before anything or anyone, as you already know. You have to remember, addicts like to hang with people that are like them. She might not be "that into you" because you no longer "party". I am sure she would like you to take just one hit and you would be fine. She has not accepted the fact that she is an addict and cant stop, that is why she doesn't have a problem breaking up with you.

I was married to an alcoholic and addict (smoked weed). He spent between 1000 to 1500 a month on alcohol and weed. He would wake up and get stoned, stay stoned all day and then last thing he did at night was take a hit. Let me tell you its not fun.

I think you need to ask your question of why you really want her in your life. You know that once she could be sober, she could be a totally different person then the "fun loving" person you now know. Take care of yourself and stay away from trying to help her, she doesn't want to be fixed.

trailmix

I'm sure you are familiar with the HALT acronym?

I don't know if you saw my reply in your other thread about meetup? Perhaps what you need are people! Friends, acquaintances, people to hang out with and do things with. If some sort of relationship develops with someone you meet, all the better.

If you were not an addict and could just "ignore" the drugs - well she will still be stoned all the time. The fact is you are not and you did stop seeing her which you seem to know is right for you. You may just be romanticizing the connection you had? Is the reality that great?

That your sobriety might touch a nerve with her and make her want to quit smoking weed seems unlikely.

tracer

well for sure my OCD brain has latched onto this woman and the fact that she smokes isn't helping me as I often wonder if I'd be better off on the MJ maintenance plan myself. The AV is having a field day with this one which I think is another reason its so hard to let go.

hopeful4

You are moving your own line of what you know is right regarding your own addiction. Don't do it. It's like anything that is bad for us. Follow your head, not your heart.

Big hugs.