Any one in recovery with a addict sibbling?
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 3
Any one in recovery with a addict sibbling?
Hello!
I myself am in recovery having kicked many party drugs such as cocaine, MDMA, and K after a couple years struggling with having a few relapses a year, I finally got honest with myself about my alcohol problem and its connection to my drug relapses. Anyway I am 3 1/2 months sober and have never been this substance and alcohol free my entire life and feel better than I even knew was possible.
The big process in my recovery right now is learning how to deal with my brothers mental illness and drug addiction. I feel like I am going to have to cut him out completely. He is horribly mean to me and has crazy out bursts and breaks things. I cant remember one good time with him in years and I think for me to get the strength and health back I need I have to just say good bye until (if) he decides to get help. When I would come home before I would just drink through it and try to forget how terrible my family situation is.
Its hard because I love my family but they are all very unhealthy people riddled with different addictions. My mom is doing the best out of all of them but is a enabler and my father is completely mentally un well. How to you stay clean and deal with a toxic family? I would love to see my mom more but my brother just shows up at any time he wants bossing her around and eating all the food (I assume his come down time) or just yelling and then sleeping on the couch.
Any advice would be greatly apricated I don't know anyone with a family as crazy as mine so if any one out there gets it and has anything to pass on I would love to listen!
I myself am in recovery having kicked many party drugs such as cocaine, MDMA, and K after a couple years struggling with having a few relapses a year, I finally got honest with myself about my alcohol problem and its connection to my drug relapses. Anyway I am 3 1/2 months sober and have never been this substance and alcohol free my entire life and feel better than I even knew was possible.
The big process in my recovery right now is learning how to deal with my brothers mental illness and drug addiction. I feel like I am going to have to cut him out completely. He is horribly mean to me and has crazy out bursts and breaks things. I cant remember one good time with him in years and I think for me to get the strength and health back I need I have to just say good bye until (if) he decides to get help. When I would come home before I would just drink through it and try to forget how terrible my family situation is.
Its hard because I love my family but they are all very unhealthy people riddled with different addictions. My mom is doing the best out of all of them but is a enabler and my father is completely mentally un well. How to you stay clean and deal with a toxic family? I would love to see my mom more but my brother just shows up at any time he wants bossing her around and eating all the food (I assume his come down time) or just yelling and then sleeping on the couch.
Any advice would be greatly apricated I don't know anyone with a family as crazy as mine so if any one out there gets it and has anything to pass on I would love to listen!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Sober Yogi .
Welcome to SR.
I see my alcohol addicted sib a lot as he lives with my mother and I visit her often as one of her caregivers.
It is, indeed, a sorry situation when you have a front row seat to family dysfunction and enmeshed behavior.
My reaction to the crazy train varies. I call upon the principles I learned in Al-Anon to try to stay detached., but that doesn’t always work.
I have found that keeping my visits short to be very helpful. I make sure Mom is okay, has eaten, taken her meds, etc. take out the recycling and make sure everything in the house is working, then I leave.
My sib and I rarely speak. When we do, I try to keep my tone neutral and convey only the info needed.
Otherwise, we fight, which totally wrecks my serenity.
Also, I am not my mom’s only caregiver, so the full burden does not fall on me, for which I am very, very grateful.
So that’s my advice. Limit visits and keep them short.
Work hard to detach from the bananas behavior, and remember that however much you abhor your sib’s mooching, disrespectful behavior toward your parents, they have likely had multiple opportunities to take back their space , and haven’t.
We have choices. They may not think they have a choice regarding sons and daughters, but, believe me, they do.
The friends and family forum has several posters who have had to, for their own sanity, cut ties with addicted or otherwise dysfunctional family members. It isn’t t easy, but it is possible.
Recommend you check that forum out.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome to SR.
I see my alcohol addicted sib a lot as he lives with my mother and I visit her often as one of her caregivers.
It is, indeed, a sorry situation when you have a front row seat to family dysfunction and enmeshed behavior.
My reaction to the crazy train varies. I call upon the principles I learned in Al-Anon to try to stay detached., but that doesn’t always work.
I have found that keeping my visits short to be very helpful. I make sure Mom is okay, has eaten, taken her meds, etc. take out the recycling and make sure everything in the house is working, then I leave.
My sib and I rarely speak. When we do, I try to keep my tone neutral and convey only the info needed.
Otherwise, we fight, which totally wrecks my serenity.
Also, I am not my mom’s only caregiver, so the full burden does not fall on me, for which I am very, very grateful.
So that’s my advice. Limit visits and keep them short.
Work hard to detach from the bananas behavior, and remember that however much you abhor your sib’s mooching, disrespectful behavior toward your parents, they have likely had multiple opportunities to take back their space , and haven’t.
We have choices. They may not think they have a choice regarding sons and daughters, but, believe me, they do.
The friends and family forum has several posters who have had to, for their own sanity, cut ties with addicted or otherwise dysfunctional family members. It isn’t t easy, but it is possible.
Recommend you check that forum out.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Maudcat gave you some excellent advice. I can't completely disconnect from my sister because of my nieces, but I try to remain as detached as possible. I have no expectations that our relationship will get any better or worse, and I try my very best not to attach my mood to hers.
My parents want me to get along with her, but they've learned that pushing is pointless. Besides, my life is my life, and my sister's is my sister's, just like your life is your life, and your brother's is your brother's. Just as he can make his own choices, you can make yours as well.
There's this concept call "gray rock" that I've been thinking about lately. You may want to think about using it with your brother.
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/61...ng-narcissist/
My parents want me to get along with her, but they've learned that pushing is pointless. Besides, my life is my life, and my sister's is my sister's, just like your life is your life, and your brother's is your brother's. Just as he can make his own choices, you can make yours as well.
There's this concept call "gray rock" that I've been thinking about lately. You may want to think about using it with your brother.
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/61...ng-narcissist/
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I too have a challenging family that is riddled with alcoholism and codependents. I am not an addict, but I was a raging codie for a long time. I had to find ways to extract myself, to get and then keep myself sane from the craziness I had been suffering.
I am very low contact with my brother. He has mental health issues that are exacerbated by his use of substance. It's messy. He is not an evil person, as a matter of fact he has a huge heart, but his behavior is often ridiculous and at times even reprehensible. He is 44 years old but has a very "teenage" attitude, often spouting off about things he has no idea about. So annoying.
He lives on my mum's property in a run down travel trailer next to her home. My mother thinks she is helping him. She has never cut the apron strings and insists on looking after him because he is her child. It's a sick situation. They love and depend on each other in a sick, symbiotic, enmeshment full of resentment and anger towards each other. She never allowed him to fully face his consequences and still "protects" him (mostly from himself) like he is a little boy. He never learned the life skills of being a man because she has always taken care of everything, but he also chose not to separate himself and evolve, they've both chosen to live this way... but they resent each other for it. There is no dignity anywhere to be found in the situation. It's uncomfortable to be around that dynamic.
Two years ago I moved far away and don't have to deal with their chaos very much any more and am very thankful for that. My adult children love their Grandma but also avoid going to see her because as I said, it's uncomfortable to be around. My mother used to try and force a relationship between my brother and myself. That backfired on her. I do not believe that just because you are related to someone that you have to be friends with them. That is an antiquated idea that had numerous generations of people accepting unacceptable behavior all in the name of family unity. Screw that. I'm not living like that ever again, that's just not healthy for me.
Obviously it's not possible for everyone with a difficult family to up and move 3000miles away, though if you can, I highly suggest it
.... However, you can decide which family members you expose yourself to. You can invite people you want to see to your home, or out for lunch or for a short road trip or to a park for a picnic or hike on some trails, visit the beach with a great cup of coffee.... It's a big beautiful world, we don't have to only visit at the kitchen table. I didn't visit my parent's home much the few years leading up to my dad's death because I didn't like being around my troubled brother , NOR did I like watching my dad drinking himself to death. If mum wanted to see me she was welcome to do so in many other ways... but not in her uncomfortable-to-me home.
Protect your sobriety at all costs.. it is the most precious thing you have. If it means you have to avoid family members so be it. Keep YOUR peace and let them worry about their own chaos.
I love my family.. but sometimes it is just best to love from a safe distance.
Congrats on the sober time! You are doing great, keep it up!
I am very low contact with my brother. He has mental health issues that are exacerbated by his use of substance. It's messy. He is not an evil person, as a matter of fact he has a huge heart, but his behavior is often ridiculous and at times even reprehensible. He is 44 years old but has a very "teenage" attitude, often spouting off about things he has no idea about. So annoying.
He lives on my mum's property in a run down travel trailer next to her home. My mother thinks she is helping him. She has never cut the apron strings and insists on looking after him because he is her child. It's a sick situation. They love and depend on each other in a sick, symbiotic, enmeshment full of resentment and anger towards each other. She never allowed him to fully face his consequences and still "protects" him (mostly from himself) like he is a little boy. He never learned the life skills of being a man because she has always taken care of everything, but he also chose not to separate himself and evolve, they've both chosen to live this way... but they resent each other for it. There is no dignity anywhere to be found in the situation. It's uncomfortable to be around that dynamic.
Two years ago I moved far away and don't have to deal with their chaos very much any more and am very thankful for that. My adult children love their Grandma but also avoid going to see her because as I said, it's uncomfortable to be around. My mother used to try and force a relationship between my brother and myself. That backfired on her. I do not believe that just because you are related to someone that you have to be friends with them. That is an antiquated idea that had numerous generations of people accepting unacceptable behavior all in the name of family unity. Screw that. I'm not living like that ever again, that's just not healthy for me.
Obviously it's not possible for everyone with a difficult family to up and move 3000miles away, though if you can, I highly suggest it
.... However, you can decide which family members you expose yourself to. You can invite people you want to see to your home, or out for lunch or for a short road trip or to a park for a picnic or hike on some trails, visit the beach with a great cup of coffee.... It's a big beautiful world, we don't have to only visit at the kitchen table. I didn't visit my parent's home much the few years leading up to my dad's death because I didn't like being around my troubled brother , NOR did I like watching my dad drinking himself to death. If mum wanted to see me she was welcome to do so in many other ways... but not in her uncomfortable-to-me home.Protect your sobriety at all costs.. it is the most precious thing you have. If it means you have to avoid family members so be it. Keep YOUR peace and let them worry about their own chaos.
I love my family.. but sometimes it is just best to love from a safe distance.
Congrats on the sober time! You are doing great, keep it up!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Wow, SBM.
Do we have the same family?
Your description matches mine to a T, including how uncomfortable it is to visit.
Hence, short visits.
My sib has neurological deficits due to life long alcohol consumption and my mom has mild dementia, so it can be a real picnic visiting at times.
Heading there today to set up another fan, as it is very hot here and mom doesn’t like air conditioning.
Or fans, for that matter.
Sigh.
Good luck to you.
Do we have the same family?
Your description matches mine to a T, including how uncomfortable it is to visit.
Hence, short visits.
My sib has neurological deficits due to life long alcohol consumption and my mom has mild dementia, so it can be a real picnic visiting at times.
Heading there today to set up another fan, as it is very hot here and mom doesn’t like air conditioning.
Or fans, for that matter.
Sigh.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Don't mean to derail this thread, but yes I think we have a lot in common Maudcat, right on down to the "mother vs. air conditioning". When I moved I left my portable AC with my Mum who hates, and I mean HATES the heat.. it's been blistering hot at times this summer ( where she is) but will she use it? She is fully capable of plugging it in and setting the hose section in a window, but she wont.... however she feels the need to complain to me over and over and how very uncomfortably hot it is in her house to the point she can't sleep... reminding her she has an AC unit at her disposal was pointless..."yes I know.... blah blah blah it's soooo hottttt!!!"..... uggggggg
Good Luck and enjoy your quick visit!
Good Luck and enjoy your quick visit!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I managed to pry open some stuck windows, which provides a cross breeze in the house.
With additional fans it was a bit more comfortable than yesterday.
They should be fine.
Circling back to the original post, I hold fast to the “not my circus, not my monkeys” mantra when visiting mom and sib.
Again, I’m fortunate that I have family and a really nice caregiver to share some of the work with.
With additional fans it was a bit more comfortable than yesterday.
They should be fine.
Circling back to the original post, I hold fast to the “not my circus, not my monkeys” mantra when visiting mom and sib.
Again, I’m fortunate that I have family and a really nice caregiver to share some of the work with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by SoberYogini 
Its hard because I love my family but they are all very unhealthy people riddled with different addictions. My mom is doing the best out of all of them but is a enabler and my father is completely mentally un well. How to you stay clean and deal with a toxic family?
If I don't keep my recovery first and foremost, I'm pretty much doomed in the end. I did come to a point where I had a decent relationship with my folks, and I have a brother who came into recovery years after me that I have a great relationship with now. He has always lived far from me since graduating college, so I wasn't around him physically while he was active in addictions.
I can't tell you what to do, but I know for me, I had to be selfish and take care of me, and I'm still that way most of the time. Occasionally I get side-tracked with one of my adult daughters still active in addictions, but it gets my attention pretty quickly that I need to re-prioritize.
Please keep posting, and I'm sending you hugs of support from Kansas!
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