Lonewolf22

So, I felt I was starting to get the drink under wraps earlier this year. I made a conscious effort to keep away from it and avoid getting into a tempting situation but slowly my drinking habits have crept in again.

I spent all my money over the weekend on booze so won't have any money for two weeks now. Why do I do this to myself? I just drag myself down when I pick up a drink yet the temptation never seems to fade. It just lingers.

I need to start putting effort into avoiding pleases I can drink again. It seems I'm unable to trust myself to walk passed a pub without going in.

ChloeRose63

Sorry to hear that you picked up that first drink again. Time to start over again but, you are wiser. No matter how much sober time that we have our addiction doesn't change. It justs waits to be fed again like a gremlin!
Now you know the ropes...drink lots of water, get some rest, eat well and begin a new recovery program. Glad that you are here for support.

decchemist

What was your recovery plan originally?
Why did the plan not work?
What will you do to make sure you never have to feel the way you do right now ever again?

Ghostlight1

I know the feelings, not being able to walk past a bar and the three day binge hangover.
It took me many, many attempts of trying to find sobriety. But I never gave up trying.
It took help. AA and coming here. It took effort and action.
I'd give you my sympathy, but you did this to yourself.
I hope you can climb back on the water wagon and remember, you never have to feel this way again.

Dee74

I'm sorry LoneWolf. I think recovery means a lot of hard choices.

I'm a lone wolf too but I really used the heck out of SR to stay sober - maybe thats the way you need to go for a while?

D

FreeOwl

Why do you do this to yourself?

Well.... sounds to me like you're like me.....

And if you're like me, then the reason you do this to yourself is you're an alcoholic.

Or, if you don't like that term (I really never did, still don't), then "you have an unhealthy relationship with and an unpredictable reaction to alcohol - it takes over your life").

Whatever you call it, my friend, if you're like me the reason you do this to yourself is; you drink alcohol.

The way to avoid this - and to live an astoundingly-better life - is to NOT DRINK ALCOHOL.

The way to accomplish that, is to CHOOSE SOBRIETY, and then to FOLLOW THAT CHOICE WITH ACTION.

Act in the direction of sobriety. Learn about alcoholism. Hang out with alcoholics (in recovery). Choose the ACTIONS that support your sobriety. Get counseling. Go to meetings. Go to the gym. Do things that do NOT involve alcohol. Build a new life.

I know... it all sounds daunting... but if you get started RIGHT NOW it will start happening for you sooner and with far less pain than if you insist on waiting for things to worsen.

And they WILL worsen.

Good news is this: Nearly ALL of us who chose sobriety did so because some scenario JUST like the one you're in now helped us finally make that choice.

Good news is also this: We get to CHOOSE our bottom.....

Doesn't have to get worse from here.....

Lonewolf22

Yeah, that is what is most frustrating, the fact I only have myself to blame. I recently took a break from my partner as we both have issues that were causing difficulties in our relationship so it could that I've isolated myself again. Also I have just moved house and at the moment I'm just sitting in my place with boxes everything and bare walls and no carpets with no money to do anything for two weeks. So I think once I got my benefits on Friday my intention was to get out and do something for a change. So I went to town with the intention of buying bits and bobs for the house. Then I decided to have a drink. The old, I'll just have a couple mentality. That ended up me out all night and avoiding facing hangover by drinking Saturday and Sunday too. The frustrating thing is I've spent all my money so will be skint for another two weeks. So annoyed with myself but I just have to accept it and make sure I get my MH worker to take me shopping from now on.

I really want to not mess up whilst living here because I love the area and would hate to keep risking being a nuisance to the neighbours. Luckily I think I avoided that this weekend.

DontRemember

Ugh...I do not miss those 'times' at all! Let this be the last time you feel this way. I always hated having to go into my business and write myself a check because I squandered away what 'disposable cash'( like that's even a thing? ) I had in my personal account. My partners and employees all knew what it meant when I'd pop in on a Monday morning unanounced. I still spend more money than I should,but I spend it on "toys" and can always sell them if I need/want to.

tnek97

Wise words! Listen to the Owl!

VigilanceNow

Lonewolf, I know how you feel. You really have to get your head in the right place and accept that this is not a disease with a set cure or a finite time after which it will be safe to drink; it will never be safe for us to drink. I'm in early sobriety as well, and I have to do something each and every day to avoid giving in to the temptation, because I know it's there lurking.

Don't dwell on this 3-day binge. Beating yourself up about it is not productive in the least, and I know for me obsessing about the impossible (e.g. going back in time and making different decisions) generally leads me to drink more in pursuit of temporary relief/numbness. Look forward and see today as the first day.

Review your old plan. If you didn't write it down, put it down onto paper today. Then pinpoint what things you need to expand upon, change, modify; write down additions that could safeguard you from a "next time". Make sure your additions and modifications include concrete action and not just declarations/theory. This is a very simple way of learning from this most recent binge. It's the most productive thing you can do with it.

I know sometimes doing things like that seems juvenile, but honestly think of your behavior while drunk! I know I act more ridiculous and infantile when drinking than I possibly could sober. This small plan is the beginning of your new journey into sobriety!!

NerfThis

'That ended up me out all night and avoiding facing hangover by drinking Saturday and Sunday too. '

This was exactly me for years. I recently tried to moderate by taking a two month long break, then reintroducing alcohol. yes I could moderate sometimes, but unfortunately last weekend was one of those 'drink all night with friends then drink to avoid hangover the next day' situations. I tested myself and proved I cannot moderate, therefore I have now chosen to never drink.

It's worth trying to find other activities. For me, my perpetual booze cycle continued because I was bored of working in the same design job for 4 years and enjoyed that release from it on a Friday by drinking with friends. As soon as I left that job in January and started working on my art portfolio at home, I became VERY conscious of my drinking, as I was enjoying working on my portfolio and alcohol weekends were damaging this (I didn't care if I turned up at work hungover as I was sick of drawing the same things week after week, month after month, year after year. But I hated being too hungover on a Monday to work on my own art)

I've found going to the gym is not only a great way to feel positive about yourself, but a great reason to not drink, as alcohol greatly impacts your ability to perform at the gym or even get there at all.

Lonewolf22

Thank you guys, I feel really upset with myself and not in a wholly self-pitying way. I just feel really sad at the situation and abit confused and low in self-worth. So reading the advice and seeing many people relate to it has helped me through the day a lot.

I'm currently unemployed and struggle with anxiety on a daily basis so there is a lot of work I need to put in to get myself back on a firm footing and alcohol just makes the process much longer and difficult. I hope this is the last moment like this for me too.

DontRemember

Yeah it sucks,but nothing you can do to change it. You can spend today 'licking your wounds' and when you're feeling better start freshening up the resume and job hunting. I'm self employeed,but have to stay active or the boredom and thoughts start creeping in again. When I had a "normal job" as my daughter likes to put it, I didn't have the energy to be a drunk. I met a guy in AA a year or so ago and he works at a gas station part-time to have some responsibility and he likes talking to the customers. "It gets me outta the house and my head!" is what he told me.

NerfThis

Being employed is what made me continue to be stuck in the perpetual weekend cycle, as I was so bored with my job that alcohol on a Friday was what I looked forward to. Now that I'm simply unemployed and working on my own portfolio towards what I actually want to do, I'm more keen to keep alcohol out of my life.

Also one of the key things for me was to stop trying to understand why I drank so much or understand how to moderate and just accept that I can't always drink like normal people, therefore I shouldn't drink at all. Thinking about it too much tricked me into believing I could eventually moderate or have full control, but evidence has shown otherwise.

Lonewolf22

That's actually a really good point Nerfthis. That is what I do a lot without realising what trouble it is to try and understand it so much, as if peeling away for some hidden truth that will set me free from addiction. Maybe, maybe not but like you say it is pointless obsessing over the cause when even professionals and scientific research has conflicting views in this area.

Pleased you highlighted that! Feel a little lighter now

I'm surprised how I feel today actually. I do feel rough but no where near what I was dreading feeling like. I usually feel ten times worse than this. So for the second day from drinking, I feel OK!

NerfThis

Really happy to hear you are feeling ok today! You will feel better and better as the days go on

I think it's very common for people to try and find the main cause for their drinking so that they can control it, but all this does is cause us to keep drinking, as we believe that somehow we can work out our problem and 'cure' ourselves by magically learning to moderate. It's worse at a stage like this where we do actually feel we have some control in some situations (I can have a glass of wine while having a meal and not crave more, but other times I will do shots with my friends on Friday and still be drinking on my own in the house on Sunday)

it took a lot of reading on this board and testing myself over the past few months to realize that the problem is there regardless of whether I understand it, so abstaining is the only way to stop it. I will never solve the mystery and learn to control it.

Congrats on another day sober and feeling better!

Gabe1980

I've been stuck in the awful cycle of three day binges and your post made me literally shudder because I can feel your pain. If what you are doing is not keeping you sober then try something new. I just went round and round it circles until I realised I was playing at this. Give something else a try and give your new place the best shot you can. Best of luck. Rach xx

Ya'know, I also wrote to myself during withdrawals after my last binge. It makes for chilling reading and it's worth doing if you need something to halt you in your tracks xx

Anna

Lonewolf, this is what the disease wants you to think and believe in hopes of keeping you hooked. Be proud of yourself for coming back and posting and for knowing that you need to make some changes. You can do this!