batchel9

My XAH is the type of guy to act like things are super and perfect when sober. It’s become very clear to me at this point that this changes and he is very angry and unreasonable AFTER he goes on one of his binges. Like when under the influence and even after. Does anyone else experience anger BEFORE they relapse or drink? In my head I don’t understand this but I think I’m noticing it as a trend as well. Why? Why before when his mind is essentially unaltered. I know he is sober because he blows in soberlink.

D122y

Batch,

Imo....folks, like me, that drink/drank too much over time have irreversible brain damage. Parts of the brain are altered forever.

Everyone is different, but the physical damage to the brain causes us to act abnormal.

I believe we can adjust and correct after we quit drinking as our brains are able to rewire.

But, if we continue to drink we are destined for deeper and ever worsening issues...e.g. lashing out scarily. (I used to do that and had a coworker that was even worse).

It is not a good ending unless the drunk understands this and has a desire to get well.

Thanks.

Atlast9999

Batch,

I come from the alcoholic side of the fence. I discovered that I was just plain angry-at everybody and everything. Drinking or sober I was just MAD! And I was a bear to be around, regardless of what state I was in.

Choosing sobriety has helped me to get rid of the anger and rage that had built up in me for so long.

VigilanceNow

Hi Batchel,

For me, the best answer is that a long-term alcoholic can be very unpredictable. I tried my hardest to identify triggers, moods, anything that could point to some type of pattern that would lead me to drink, but ultimately I was grasping at straws. I drank because I was an alcoholic and I wanted to, because that's what actively drinking alcoholics do.

It's not surprising at all that you XAH would experience mood swings. After a binge, anxiety (sometimes in its most extreme form) is a typical consequence even for a normally calm person, and this anxiety and heightened nervous system state can manifest in anger.

The only remedy for this is to get into a program so that he can break the cycle and identify these things in himself. I know many recovering alcoholics who still experience mood swings months and sometimes years into sobriety. In many ways it's part of the journey.

trailmix

Well, i'm not expert on this but his mind is altered. "Sober" while still in active alcoholism is not truly sober.

I can think of one reason why - he wants to drink. There can be a rising discomfort and anxiety when an alcoholic isn't drinking or can't drink for some reason.

Seems to me, based on what you have posted that more will be revealed here.

He is now responsible for the children 50 percent of the time, that's new right there, no drinking while looking after them. He also has more free time now, since he's not working. Even with school and the new boat, that's new as well.

Dwindling savings, lots of responsibility and no job. I'd be stressed and i'm not an alcoholic!

It's not all smooth going for him, he is still fighting those demons, regardless of whatever he is showing to the outside world.

AnvilheadII

trailmix nailed it! a period of non-drinking book ended by drinking before and after is not SOBER. it's a brief dry period. the mind is still that of a confirmed drinker who seeks relief in booze. thus those dry periods are excruciating and seemingly endless.

any time a person has such dramatic "shifts" in personality from God's Gift to Hell on Wheels, there are some serious mental defects afoot. an illfitting lid on a bucket of demons. thus the anger.....the rage.....it can only be contained for so long. which leads them to drink....as drinking is the only fix they are interested in employing.

batchel9

Thanks everyone. I have one more follow up question because you folks in this thread seem to get it.

Does my XAH ACTUALLY believe his own lies??!!

He is required to be alcohol free before he can have the kids and apparently couldn’t pick them up because he had had “cough syrup”. It’s a bunch of BS. I’ve been around long enough to know this. He went CRAZY on ME for not letting him take the kids because he had cough syrup. I just CANNOT understand how someone can be that mean to someone when it’s a blatant lie. How?! Why?!

LLLisa

I don't know.

What I do know is that you can't expect reasonable behavior from an unreasonable person. The sooner I understood that, the sooner I stopped trying to understand behavior which was, and still is, unable to be understood.

ErinGoBragh

You'd have to ask an alcoholic the how's and why's of this. And I truly doubt even they can explain it so a non-alcoholic would understand.

When I quit trying to understand why my AH behaved the way he did, I had a lot more peace of mind. I was also able to focus on the how's and why's of my own behavior and focus on my own recovery.

trailmix

Your truth and his truth might be two different things. Maybe in his world a shot of vodka is considered "medicinal" after a night of drinking, who knows.

Alternately it could just be a bare faced lie. Regardless of which it is, his frustration is with himself I should think. He needs to do A. (be sober and prove it) he does B. (drinks and can't do soberlink) and then has to confess to same. That makes him angry, you get to hear about it.

You will drive yourself bonkers trying to make sense of his non-nonsensical, self-centered behaviour.

In future perhaps you can advise him that there is no need for him to contact you if the can't submit a clean soberlink test, or, if you would prefer he can text you. It should be understood that the visit will not be happening in all cases where he misses the test. Saves you having to listen to the excuse and the ranting.

batchel9

I just don’t know how to function and coparent with this man when I don’t understand his actions in the slightest and truly feel disrespected and used.

batchel9

He knows that he can’t have the kids. This is not the first time he has blown positive and I haven’t given him the kids. The one time he literally blew 20 times and I handed the kids over when it reached 0.000. He pretends that he is “shocked that I would make it such a big deal” over every instance though.

I also struggle because I try to limit conversation to text or email and he refuses. He wants to discuss. 1. He doesn’t want stuff in writing I’m sure and 2. Just likes to make my life hell im sure. Not sure how to handle that one.

trailmix

You are carrying around a load of resentment.

I get it, I really do and I'm not discounting your feelings at all, who wouldn't be resentful to start? The thing is, your resentment is only hurting you, not him. You can rail at the Gods, it will not change one thing.

That's why people talk about detaching and letting it go, not for him (at all) for you. Detaching is a protection for you.

Doesn't matter, does not matter one bit what his drama is.

He can't refuse. He tries soberlink, he fails, you see it, there really is nothing more to be said, not even necessary for him to text. If you state - if you fail the soberlink I don't want any discussion, there just won't be a visit that day. That's the end of that discussion.

batchel9

It’s totally true. I’m very resentful. For continuing to get blamed. For him using the kids and coparenting to punish me. For the fact that he isn’t working, yet continuing to spend money, while I pay a boatload in child support. For him not getting help and half the time taking soberlink as a joke.

I probably will enroll in counseling again. I thought I was doing better until this post divorce life with him started settling in and it sucks.

batchel9

Here is how this day went down. It’s 15 min from him supposed to have gotten kids and I hadn’t seen his soberlink results yet. I call him to make sure he was getting kids and he sounded half sleeping and said he was on his way. I reminded him to blow and that’s when he said he’d been “drinking cough syrup”. I asked him what his plan was since he knew he would fail and he said his plan was to just not blow, pick up the kids, and call me after so I could hear that he wasn’t drunk. He’s not an idiot. He knows when he will fail a test. So then it becomes me hunting him down making him do it. FMLLLLL

trailmix

All I can really say is how I would handle this if I were wanting to detach myself.

There would not have been any phone call. He either shows up or he doesn't. There would be no reminder about soberlink, he either does it or he doesn't. You are not his keeper. I would not make any plans based on the assumption he is going to show up.

In a way you are almost treating him like you are still married. Does that ring true at all? Husband seems to be oversleeping for work wake-up time so you go in and wake him up. Let him know to be sure to take his antihistamine because the pollen count is high today (for lack of a better example).

Those are the kinds of thoughtful things you might do for a SO, not something you would participate in for an ex Husband.

Now, I want to be clear I am not "blaming" you at all, you are in a time of transition here.

Berrybean

An active alcoholic doesn't have a 'normal brain' when sober. If he is a daily drinker then he will be either thinking about drinking (how to fit it in and minimise the consequences); drinking (and blow the consequences); suffering the after effects of drinking (and getting fearful of the consequences). That is life with active alcoholism. The alcoholic drinking itself is just one part of problem, which is why in a 12-step program devotes just 1 step to it, and the other 11 are addressing the alcoholic thinking and clearing uo the old wreckage / consequences. The compulsion or obsession takes over an alcoholics thinking, and that can be scary and frustrating for the alcoholic as well as the poor folk who have to deal with them.

He was hoping that something would happen to help him avoid the consequences of drinking (cough medicine or alcohol or whatever, that doesn't matter, he drank it). And you came along and ensured that he did not avoid the consequences (as you should do to keep your children safe). Thing is at the time he was in what Sex Addicts Anon call The Bubble, where you kinda know about the consequences, but they don't seem real, or matter. I reckon you burst his bubble, and that's why he was boo-hooing at you.

I agree that detaching with love is the best thing you could do for you and the kids. Likely to be hard, but so worth the work involved.

BB

velma929

Not "I had to take cough syrup." Instead he was, "Drinking cough syrup."
" his plan was to just not blow, pick up the kids, and call me after so I could hear that he wasn’t drunk. "

At least he told the truth.

August252015

My alcoholic mother typically got into intense anger, resentment and guilt in the time that led up to a relapse. One of the reasons I work hard to keep one kind of terminal emotions and thoughts in check is exactly because I believe they would lead me closer to a drink.

The addict mind is complicated and irrational, even to ourselves. That manifests in different ways for each of us but the underlying currents are similar.

When I was drinking, what was truly anger at myself was often directed everywhere but me.

hopeful4

I have accepted that what I do is not coparenting. I cannot coparent w/my XAH b/c he does not even have the capacity to parent. I do what I have to do by law, and I do what I need to do to preserve my sanity, which is detatch. My child is old enough to tell me if she is in an unsafe environment. I respond to my child. I don't speak to my XAH unless it's about my children, and when he begins to rant and rave, I stop all communication. I tell him it is no longer a healthy communication and end it. It seems to be working for now.