It takes a village.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
It takes a village.
Today my addict (niece) texted her mom and put her mom up to calling me to ask me to call the addict. The complicated and contradictory story she gave he mom didn't add up.
Initially, we all get a little anxious - the old feelings of panic and drama come up - but we are learning to wait and calm down before doing anything.
Her mom, my husband and I talked over her story and realized the holes in it and talked about what we will and won't do. We decided that I should go ahead and call, but to do it by conferencing my sister in too, and have my husband (whose number she has blocked) on the speaker phone with me. She hates talking to my husband because she can't manipulate him.
Golly it was the shortest call ever. I said "hello, your mom said you want to talk with me, I have her on the phone and so is my husband - what is it you want to talk to me about?" All she said was "I am not going to put up with this negativity: and hung up. I am pretty sure if I called on my own I would have gotten the sob story.
She has been hitting people up for money (surprise) without success, so I surmise that she was going to take another run at me. I am amazed at how hard an addict will work so they don't have to work - even when it doesn't "work". Amazing.
Anyway, I am glad that those of us who love my niece are on the same page. She's finding out we are not interested in anything but encouraging her to go to rehab.
She may or may not get better, but I am moving on with my life and have the support I need to stay strong.
I feel grateful.
Initially, we all get a little anxious - the old feelings of panic and drama come up - but we are learning to wait and calm down before doing anything.
Her mom, my husband and I talked over her story and realized the holes in it and talked about what we will and won't do. We decided that I should go ahead and call, but to do it by conferencing my sister in too, and have my husband (whose number she has blocked) on the speaker phone with me. She hates talking to my husband because she can't manipulate him.
Golly it was the shortest call ever. I said "hello, your mom said you want to talk with me, I have her on the phone and so is my husband - what is it you want to talk to me about?" All she said was "I am not going to put up with this negativity: and hung up. I am pretty sure if I called on my own I would have gotten the sob story.
She has been hitting people up for money (surprise) without success, so I surmise that she was going to take another run at me. I am amazed at how hard an addict will work so they don't have to work - even when it doesn't "work". Amazing.
Anyway, I am glad that those of us who love my niece are on the same page. She's finding out we are not interested in anything but encouraging her to go to rehab.
She may or may not get better, but I am moving on with my life and have the support I need to stay strong.
I feel grateful.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well done...by all of you. Once we recognize lies and manipulation, they have no power. The sooner she runs out of "her" options, the sooner she may reach out for the "good" options of detox, meetings, rehab and recovery.
I pray she does.
Hugs
I pray she does.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Golly it was the shortest call ever. I said "hello, your mom said you want to talk with me, I have her on the phone and so is my husband - what is it you want to talk to me about?" All she said was "I am not going to put up with this negativity: and hung up. I am pretty sure if I called on my own I would have gotten the sob story.
My sister walked into the room and said, "Oh boy. You guys are going to talk over me." and proceeded to sit on the floor. During the attempted conversation, she rotated metal stress balls in one hand, creating a constant ringing noise that prevented any meaningful exchange from taking place.
It got me so angry for so many reasons: 1) It was rude. She CHOSE to act in a way which was frankly immature.2) She was portraying herself as the victim, but she CHOSE to sit on that floor. There was plenty of room on that couch. I'm sure she told her friends some **** and bull story about the way we treat her like a subordinate.
It's amazing how some people portray themselves as victims when they don't get what they want.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Thanks everyone!
I think I'm finally figuring out what tough love is.
I want the best for my addict, and I can see more clearly how my initial reaction will always be wrong - but if I sit with the problem, bring others into the discussion and don't do anything that feels bad in my body (I always get a slightly sick feeling when I'm just about to enable), I do a much better job of responding in a way that opens the door for recovery without expectation that she will walk through it.
I know why they call it tough love - each time I interact with her and things go like this call did, I see she isn't ready and I'm sad.
thanks for all the great support!
I think I'm finally figuring out what tough love is.
I want the best for my addict, and I can see more clearly how my initial reaction will always be wrong - but if I sit with the problem, bring others into the discussion and don't do anything that feels bad in my body (I always get a slightly sick feeling when I'm just about to enable), I do a much better job of responding in a way that opens the door for recovery without expectation that she will walk through it.
I know why they call it tough love - each time I interact with her and things go like this call did, I see she isn't ready and I'm sad.
thanks for all the great support!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Stay strong, stay united. It's hard not to try to "do something" to help...when doing nothing is the most loving and helpful thing we can do.
I like to think of it as handing them a map, pointing out the places that can help them and then letting them choose the route they will take.
Puzzled Heart's post really rang true. My son saw himself as "the victim" always.
I like to think of it as handing them a map, pointing out the places that can help them and then letting them choose the route they will take.
Puzzled Heart's post really rang true. My son saw himself as "the victim" always.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Troubledone,
Great job!
It never ceases to amaze me the creativity that addicts will use to manipulate people. I am not sure if that talent is a result of drug use, what drove them to it initially, or whether it is a learmed survival skill..........I just notice they all seem to have it.
Sounds like you have it figured out, keep at it!
K eep coming back,
Jim
Great job!
It never ceases to amaze me the creativity that addicts will use to manipulate people. I am not sure if that talent is a result of drug use, what drove them to it initially, or whether it is a learmed survival skill..........I just notice they all seem to have it.
Sounds like you have it figured out, keep at it!
K eep coming back,
Jim
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