Still waters
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 14
Still waters
So. I'm new here. My husband has been suffering from addiction to crack. I came here because I read a lot about addiction and how I need support also. He has been on this roller coaster for almost 3 years that I know of. This is the first time I really feel like I should get the counseling the book says I need. I love him still. Even after all the awful things he's done. I know he has a long road ahead. He was in jail for 6 months. Got out and went straight to a rock. I knew it could happen. I knew it would probably happen. But when it did it happen it still hurt. Even though I knew chances were low he would stay sober and go up from there. Didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. I consider myself a strong minded person. So I am willfully not being an enabler. The love we have for them so easily twist into enabling. I'm totally hands off. He's homeless. Not my problem. He's hungry not my problem. Need his ID that I have not my problem. I will not help him with anything right now. I want him well. Sad thing I know he is finding his self. And when he finds his self. I fear he won't love me anymore. I mean I know he will love me. But I mean husband wife style. Anyway posting here. Seems like I'm in the right place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I think you are in the right place. It was definitely the right place for me. My ex is on meth, and is "functional"- but only because he has scammed the VA and SSDI for benefits he should not get. If not for those, and his enabling mother, he would likely be on the streets, too.
I think most of us ex-spouses had the same fear- what if they get well, and then they're that perfect person we remembered them to be, or always knew they could be, and we have to miss out on that? Or worse, someone else will get to be with that perfect person?
But it doesn't make sense to hedge our bets on them getting sober when they've shown us time and time again that that's not their intention.
You say he's finding himself. You sure? To me it sounds like he's still using, and as long as he's using that's not going to happen.
I think you are making a very wise decision by not enabling. It really is up to him to find help- it can't be forced.
I hope you find some peace. Have you been to face-to-face meetings? This forum has helped me immensely, but there's nothing like real human contact with people who have been in your shoes.
All the best
I think most of us ex-spouses had the same fear- what if they get well, and then they're that perfect person we remembered them to be, or always knew they could be, and we have to miss out on that? Or worse, someone else will get to be with that perfect person?
But it doesn't make sense to hedge our bets on them getting sober when they've shown us time and time again that that's not their intention.
You say he's finding himself. You sure? To me it sounds like he's still using, and as long as he's using that's not going to happen.
I think you are making a very wise decision by not enabling. It really is up to him to find help- it can't be forced.
I hope you find some peace. Have you been to face-to-face meetings? This forum has helped me immensely, but there's nothing like real human contact with people who have been in your shoes.
All the best
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
LynnJenn
In the early stages of the journey, we all figure out we are enabling and work really hard not to. That is difficult enough.
Then later, when we've allowed ourselves to heal enough, we start wanting something real, and solid and healthy in our lives. Sometimes that comes sooner, sometimes later.
The thing is, what matters most is this - can you value yourself enough to take care of you no matter what? I discovered after many years of confusion, that there is a big difference between hanging on by my fingernails hoping to be validated or appreciated by my addict and real self-care. There is a big difference between patching myself up after dealing with my addict, and really living fully and joyfully.
You matter -- whether he gets better or not, and whether he sticks around if/when he gets sober or not. Learning to value yourself and decide how you want to live might be more important and satisfying than waiting and hoping.
Maybe by the time he gets sober you will have moved on. Could you even imagine that?
Prayers for clarity.
In the early stages of the journey, we all figure out we are enabling and work really hard not to. That is difficult enough.
Then later, when we've allowed ourselves to heal enough, we start wanting something real, and solid and healthy in our lives. Sometimes that comes sooner, sometimes later.
The thing is, what matters most is this - can you value yourself enough to take care of you no matter what? I discovered after many years of confusion, that there is a big difference between hanging on by my fingernails hoping to be validated or appreciated by my addict and real self-care. There is a big difference between patching myself up after dealing with my addict, and really living fully and joyfully.
You matter -- whether he gets better or not, and whether he sticks around if/when he gets sober or not. Learning to value yourself and decide how you want to live might be more important and satisfying than waiting and hoping.
Maybe by the time he gets sober you will have moved on. Could you even imagine that?
Prayers for clarity.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It is hard to let go, letting go of my son and his addiction was the hardest thing I have ever done. Hanging on would not have saved him...it would have dragged me down with him.
Only "they" can find recovery and sadly, the timing is rarely good.
I am glad you can go forward with your life, regardless of what he chooses for his.
If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
Hugs
Only "they" can find recovery and sadly, the timing is rarely good.
I am glad you can go forward with your life, regardless of what he chooses for his.
If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome, and know you have landed among friends. I am sorry for the pain you are going through.
I was my EXAH's best enabler, and that carried over into my grown, addicted daughters.
Like you, I am hands off. You are not alone. Hugs from scorching Kansas.
I was my EXAH's best enabler, and that carried over into my grown, addicted daughters.
Like you, I am hands off. You are not alone. Hugs from scorching Kansas.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs 
I think you are in the right place. It was definitely the right place for me. My ex is on meth, and is "functional"- but only because he has scammed the VA and SSDI for benefits he should not get. If not for those, and his enabling mother, he would likely be on the streets, too.
I think most of us ex-spouses had the same fear- what if they get well, and then they're that perfect person we remembered them to be, or always knew they could be, and we have to miss out on that? Or worse, someone else will get to be with that perfect person?
But it doesn't make sense to hedge our bets on them getting sober when they've shown us time and time again that that's not their intention.
You say he's finding himself. You sure? To me it sounds like he's still using, and as long as he's using that's not going to happen.
I think you are making a very wise decision by not enabling. It really is up to him to find help- it can't be forced.
I hope you find some peace. Have you been to face-to-face meetings? This forum has helped me immensely, but there's nothing like real human contact with people who have been in your shoes.
All the best
I think most of us ex-spouses had the same fear- what if they get well, and then they're that perfect person we remembered them to be, or always knew they could be, and we have to miss out on that? Or worse, someone else will get to be with that perfect person?
But it doesn't make sense to hedge our bets on them getting sober when they've shown us time and time again that that's not their intention.
You say he's finding himself. You sure? To me it sounds like he's still using, and as long as he's using that's not going to happen.
I think you are making a very wise decision by not enabling. It really is up to him to find help- it can't be forced.
I hope you find some peace. Have you been to face-to-face meetings? This forum has helped me immensely, but there's nothing like real human contact with people who have been in your shoes.
All the best
Well,. I know he is in a shelter and program and working. I know he is in a live in rehab for 6-12 months. Is he using in the program. I don't know 100. But I know if he is God will make it known to me. I say finding his self. Because I believe using drugs is a symptom of other things. I think his self actualization is way off. I don't think he knows who he is.
No I haven't done any face to face. I have a few friends I talk to. And I read for the most part.
I have been reading in this group for two years.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Troubledone
LynnJenn
In the early stages of the journey, we all figure out we are enabling and work really hard not to. That is difficult enough.
Then later, when we've allowed ourselves to heal enough, we start wanting something real, and solid and healthy in our lives. Sometimes that comes sooner, sometimes later.
The thing is, what matters most is this - can you value yourself enough to take care of you no matter what? I discovered after many years of confusion, that there is a big difference between hanging on by my fingernails hoping to be validated or appreciated by my addict and real self-care. There is a big difference between patching myself up after dealing with my addict, and really living fully and joyfully.
You matter -- whether he gets better or not, and whether he sticks around if/when he gets sober or not. Learning to value yourself and decide how you want to live might be more important and satisfying than waiting and hoping.
Maybe by the time he gets sober you will have moved on. Could you even imagine that?
Prayers for clarity.
In the early stages of the journey, we all figure out we are enabling and work really hard not to. That is difficult enough.
Then later, when we've allowed ourselves to heal enough, we start wanting something real, and solid and healthy in our lives. Sometimes that comes sooner, sometimes later.
The thing is, what matters most is this - can you value yourself enough to take care of you no matter what? I discovered after many years of confusion, that there is a big difference between hanging on by my fingernails hoping to be validated or appreciated by my addict and real self-care. There is a big difference between patching myself up after dealing with my addict, and really living fully and joyfully.
You matter -- whether he gets better or not, and whether he sticks around if/when he gets sober or not. Learning to value yourself and decide how you want to live might be more important and satisfying than waiting and hoping.
Maybe by the time he gets sober you will have moved on. Could you even imagine that?
Prayers for clarity.
Just thought it would be good to share here in the raw where more people have been in my shoes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 14
Thanks!
Originally Posted by freedom1990
welcome, and know you have landed among friends. I am sorry for the pain you are going through.
I was my exah's best enabler, and that carried over into my grown, addicted daughters.
Like you, i am hands off. You are not alone. Hugs from scorching kansas.
I was my exah's best enabler, and that carried over into my grown, addicted daughters.
Like you, i am hands off. You are not alone. Hugs from scorching kansas.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 14
Later
Originally Posted by Troubledone
LynnJenn
In the early stages of the journey, we all figure out we are enabling and work really hard not to. That is difficult enough.
Then later, when we've allowed ourselves to heal enough, we start wanting something real, and solid and healthy in our lives. Sometimes that comes sooner, sometimes later.
The thing is, what matters most is this - can you value yourself enough to take care of you no matter what? I discovered after many years of confusion, that there is a big difference between hanging on by my fingernails hoping to be validated or appreciated by my addict and real self-care. There is a big difference between patching myself up after dealing with my addict, and really living fully and joyfully.
You matter -- whether he gets better or not, and whether he sticks around if/when he gets sober or not. Learning to value yourself and decide how you want to live might be more important and satisfying than waiting and hoping.
Maybe by the time he gets sober you will have moved on. Could you even imagine that?
Prayers for clarity.
In the early stages of the journey, we all figure out we are enabling and work really hard not to. That is difficult enough.
Then later, when we've allowed ourselves to heal enough, we start wanting something real, and solid and healthy in our lives. Sometimes that comes sooner, sometimes later.
The thing is, what matters most is this - can you value yourself enough to take care of you no matter what? I discovered after many years of confusion, that there is a big difference between hanging on by my fingernails hoping to be validated or appreciated by my addict and real self-care. There is a big difference between patching myself up after dealing with my addict, and really living fully and joyfully.
You matter -- whether he gets better or not, and whether he sticks around if/when he gets sober or not. Learning to value yourself and decide how you want to live might be more important and satisfying than waiting and hoping.
Maybe by the time he gets sober you will have moved on. Could you even imagine that?
Prayers for clarity.
I was always a slow to really open up. After my ex bf and I split. I flew solo at least a year. I like to make sure I do self care before opening myself up to possibilities. I am definitely a later person. I want healthy which is why my husband and I are separated I'm living healthy. Kids, work, play, relax,. Just no intimate love. Eyes just lonely
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
I'm sorry for what you are going through. My husband relapsed and spent a year on the streets because of his crack addiction. He is currently in jail. I knew I could not be with him when he was in active addiction but I also knew I always wanted him to know that I was there for him when he wanted to get treatment. Now that he is clean, I am there for him and it wouldn't feel right within me to turn my back on him. Even when I detached, which was what actually gave me the peacei needed, I never stop praying for him or loving him. I wish everyday that addiction wasn't part of our life and our marriage, but it is and always will be, always..sadly. So no advice here, just want you to know that what you're going through you're not alone. :-) Hang in there.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 14
Thank You
... thank you so much for your words. They describe exactly how I'm feeling. I mean exactly. When I detached I was relieved. He noticed also that I changed. But this group is great. And I am glad to know someone understand what I mean. On another note. I haven't heard from him in a week. I was hoping he could clean his self up enough to get some quality time with our 2 year old. Doesn't seem like our son will get to see Dad before year's end. I'm ok with that. But it's still painful. I dread explaining to him where his daddy is. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. I think I'm just going to go with. Ya dad love you. He just has an addiction problem. No lies here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by LynnJenn
We have talked about exactly that. I mean don't get me wrong. I haven't isolated myself. I go out. I have men approach me daily. I been out for drinks with a couple of them. I just don't feel comfortable being with anyone like that now. I am mentally prepared for us to never be together again. As I don't think he can remain clean. I was just voicing my thoughts. A few fustrations bothering me at the moment. I am at peace with not being with him. As when he started using he lefte then. Years ago. Just was saying. I think he doesn't know what love is. One day he will learn to love his self and he will see he never loved me. Our marriage was ended through addiction.
Just thought it would be good to share here in the raw where more people have been in my shoes
Just thought it would be good to share here in the raw where more people have been in my shoes
I do know true happiness and self esteem can never come from anyone, anything, or anywhere but from within ourselves.
We get so wrapped up in our addicted partner that every emotion, feeling, and our self worth comes from some action they take or do not take.
We can't save them. Sometimes we can't even help them. It is the life they have chosen for themselves. We all know exactly where it leads.
There is no good ending to using.
Until they reach their absolute bottom they will not change. And everyones bottom is different.
The only thing we can control is ourselves. You can use this incredibly difficult road to become the best and strongest person you can be. For yourself. Not for them. They can do the same and maybe down the road your paths come together again or maybe not. But whatever happens you will be a better stronger happier version of yourself having gone through this.
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