MrAnderson

I'm just joining here as things are really wearing on me. Over the last 6 months or so my wife has slipped from having a couple glasses of wine a couple nights a week to having a couple bottles of wine almost every night. She is a blast around other people - to other people. I clam up because I know what's coming. She is extremely high functioning and in one of those extremely high risk professions. The stress she is under is something most can't hope to understand. I understand but it's not enough.

It is also a near certainty that she is bi-polar. Yes, a really deadly combo. I really feel like I'm living with hurricanes all around me and I never know what I'm going to get. We go from happy go lucky - our life is perfect - you are the best husband and then the next stop is name calling and making me feel like nothing. And worse we have young children. More than 2 children. The oldest is starting to be impacted I'm afraid. She is getting more and more upset. I want to tell her what is really happening but I know I can't.

My wife recognizes she has a problem. She has told some she is going to start going to meetings. She tells me she is going to quit to lose weight. She can never quit for more than 4 or 5 days. And the last time she talked every day about how she just wants a glass of wine.

My current first step plan is to make an appointment with my psychiatrist and maybe start seeing a therapist of my own again. She has stopped going to her therapist and only talks to her psychiatrist to get refills. I'm wondering if the bi polar is just not being controlled well enough and so she needs the drinks to cope with her stress. I get it - the stress is ridiculous in unimaginable ways. We have talked about her problems. We are supposed to go see her psychiatrist together and spill it all.

I have no plans of ending our relationship. When she isn't drinking and has a "moment of clarity" we really do have the perfect life. I need help though. Obviously I'm scared for a number of reasons. Any ideas are more than welcome.

trailmix

Hi and welcome to SR, you will find a lot of support and information here.

First things first, have you checked out Al-Anon? If you haven't heard of it it's support (face to face group meetings) for friends and family of alcoholics. Not to help the alcoholic, to help you.

Secondly, how old are your children? Not telling them or discussing it with them isn't the right approach in my opinion. They know something is going on and if you are scared, think how scared they are. Perhaps your psychiatrist or therapist can guide you in this. The sooner the better.

Knowledge is power and the fear will lessen, I hope, as you learn more about alcohol addiction. Posting here, reading the threads will give you lots of insight and there are also the stickies at the top of the forum. You might want to start with this one:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

honeypig

Being "high functioning" is a stage of alcoholism, not a type. They're ALL "high functioning" until they aren't any more. You have already seen her drinking progress, in just 6 months, from "a couple glasses of wine a couple nights a week to having a couple bottles of wine almost every night." It's almost certain to continue getting worse; that's the nature of alcoholism. And at some point, the "high functioning" thing ceases to be--you can only hope it's not a car crash while driving drunk that kills or cripples someone, or a professional mistake in her "high risk" occupation that costs her her livelihood and reputation.

Stress doesn't cause alcoholism. I'm sure there are many other folks in the same line of work, under the same stress, who do NOT turn to alcohol to handle their stress. It may be an excuse, but it's not a cause.

I don't think most of us did when we came here, and no one is saying that you have to, either. Those of us that did choose to end our relationships did so b/c it became abundantly clear, over time, that our A was not going to change. The only way our lives would get better would be if WE changed them, ourselves, rather than waiting on someone else's choices to finally allow us to live. You may or may not come to that point eventually.

Again, this is pretty much everyone's situation when they come here--if it was ALL bad, we'd never stick around, right? We imagine that the good parts are "the real them", and the bad parts are somehow part of a different person, or something that will vanish as soon as the alcohol clears their bloodstream. Bad news--it's all one person, and it takes a whole lot more than a BAC of 0 to turn him/her into the person we imagine them to be.
You won't find any ideas about how to fix your wife. You'll find plenty of ideas here about how to change yourself and your own life. You could start by reading around the forum as much as you can. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--they are a veritable boot camp education on alcoholism. The more you know about it, the more realistic your thinking will be, going forward.

I'm glad to hear you're on the path to seeking therapy for yourself. I'd also recommend Alanon (and don't be confused, AA is for the alcoholic and Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking).

Regarding your wife's bipolar--she would certainly not be the first to self-medicate with alcohol for one variety or another of mental or emotional issues. But as with the alcohol, that is HERS to manage if she chooses. Remember, she is an adult, and as such is responsible for her own life and choices. Presumably you married so as to be partners, not a caretaker and his charge.

Your job will be to see to your own recovery as well as to look out for the welfare of your kids. They have no choice in the matter and even less knowledge than you have. Someone needs to put them first, and I think you're the only one who's capable of that right now.

Again, welcome to SR. I hope to see you posting in other threads besides your own as you read around the forum. In Alanon, SR, any form of recovery, you'll get out of it what you put into it. In my experience, those who show up and take an active part are those who benefit the most. Wishing you the best.

ChloeRose63

This is excellent!
I hope you read this twice, Mr. Anderson. It is worth it.

MrAnderson

Thank you for your comments.

Trailmix, thank you for the welcome and the thoughts. I appreciate the direction on AlAnon. I never knew the difference. My children are 4-10. I will check out the threads in the link you provided.

Honeypig. What can I say. Thank you for your directness. I agree with all that you wrote. I had not seen some of it the way you put it. I definitely do need to put myself and the children first. Of course my situation is more complicated than I can describe here. I will handle the more specific details with the psychiatrist and more so therapist. I will really try to participate as much as possible.

Chloe - I have already read it twice. I appreciate the welcome.

Mango212

Any ideas are more than welcome.


This is a radical one that's worked in great ways for many families:

Find support in many places. Create a wide support network for yourself through programs such as Al-anon, Celebrate Recovery, domestic abuse help centers and therapists who specialize in this family disease of alcoholism.

Once recovery becomes a firm habit for the non-alcoholic, everything else naturally changes.

Mango212

Obviously I'm scared for a number of reasons.


A gentle suggestion:
Use this fear to be propelled into changes, getting help for yourself and making a solid plan to follow through on.

This fear is there for a reason. Let it direct you into taking big steps into your own safety, healing and becoming a rock-solid parent. If your wife chooses recovery at some point, things typically get rocky along the way.

dandylion

Mr. Anderson.....I am glad to hear that you are going. together, to see a professional regarding this issue.
It is not something that you can expect to just go away or get better, on it's own.....You can see the progression and you can expect that it will get worse, over time.....
At two bottles of wine,per night, it is hard to stop drinking...cold turkey...without medical help and supervision...due to the uncomfortable and potential dangerous withdrawl symptoms.
The reality of her job situation is that, if it is so high-risk....then, she is high-risk to lose it, anyway, as the situation gets worse.....

Don't be surprised if she puts up some resistance to getting the help that she needs....and, she might insist that she "can do it on her own".....as this is very common, if the person is afraid of accepting help...and not ready to give up the drinking. For an alcoholic...there can be no moderation....

I am glad that you came here, as you are going to need support, also....alcoholism affects the alcoholic and every one in the family....this is why it is called a family disease...…
I hope that you will keep reading and posting...and learning....we have the best collection of experience and learning materials as you will find in one place, anywhere....

You might begin reading the book..."Co-Dependent No More"....as I think you will find a lot of it resonating with you...it is an easy read....

You might find the book..."The Addicted Brain"...by Michael Kuhar...to be very informative. It can explain, in light of the latest research, how the effect of alcohol on the brain connects with certain behaviors....


You are not the first family to face this situation...and, you can get through this with support...neither you or she are alone....

Leelee168

Mr. Anderson, I recognized myself, several years ago, in your writing and I smiled. I thought all the same things--at the time. My situation is much, much different now and he is still drinking and we're not together. It is very hard to watch someone start circling the bottom but not hit it. I think mine might have hit; however. Yesterday, where we live, there was a lot of flooding. Where he is now living was part of the town that got flooded. Did it hurt? Yes, no matter what happened I don't want to see anyone in that position of losing so much. My first thought about him, though, was: I wondered if he saved his alcohol first. I never would have thought that about him years ago, but now, I know his priorities. Welcome. I know you will find the guidance you need here.

Sasha1972

Welcome, and I am sorry for what brought you here. I second the suggestions to check out AlAnon (maybe go to a few meetings as you may not "click" immediately with the first one you try. I found that learning a lot about alcoholism helped in my case - all the things that I thought were unique and extraordinary about my situation (my ex had a difficult childhood background, his struggles with self-esteem, his career stress) were not unique at all, and that his behavior was just like that of thousands of other alcoholics, to the point where it became predictable.

I also sadly have to agree that in my experience, high-functioning is a stage of alcoholism, not a type. The stage may last a long time, but unless the alcoholic seeks and accepts effective help to stop drinking, it will get worse. It may be worth playing through a few scenarios in your mind - what if your wife loses her job, what if she becomes unable to look after the kids, etc - not to scare yourself and create more inner turmoil, but just as a reminder that you're dealing with a progressive disease.

I also found it pretty enlightening to read the forums populated by alcoholics (in recovery or not) on this site. Sometimes it was infuriating and I wanted to yell at them to wake up and get their lives together (I refrained ) but it helped me to understand some of the unacceptable behavior that accompanies addiction.

Bernadette

The oldest is starting to be impacted I'm afraid. She is getting more and more upset. I want to tell her what is really happening but I know I can't.

Hi MrAnderson -
Protect the minor children not the alcoholic adult.

Addiction thrives in secrecy, much of the A's outrageous behavior and lies all create a shameful veil that the normal loved ones end up carrying, which only benefits the addict at the expense of the family's mental health; secrecy only serves Team Alcohol.

I was 5 or 6 when I started to recognize something was "off" in our family, and not just with my A father - but with my non-drinking mother! Her behavior was just as baffling. Her behavior did as much damage to us kids as my father's drinking.

I have often wondered how different my childhood and my life would have been (and whether my 3 brothers would have all grown up to be As) if some caring sober adult had just put an arm around me, addressed me directly, named it accurateley, so there was no attitude like "this is so shameful we cannot even discuss it," and just said "Hey, this is alcoholism, you didn't Cause it, you cant Control it, you can't Cure it, but it doesn't mean Dad doesn't love you, and it doesn't mean you can't love Dad, and I am always here for you to ask questions and talk to, and I will always put your safety first even when it's inconvenient or embarrassing for Dad. He is an adult and he has to live with his choices. You are a child and I will protect you."

Y'know, something honest and brave like that.

Glad you're here.
Peace,
B.

hopeful4

Bipolar and addiction go hand in hand. It is a cycle that is very hard to break. I hope you get all the support you need for you. Hugs to you.

atalose

Something you may hear about or read about is called “Terminal Uniqueness”.
And terminal uniqueness is the twin sister of denial. It tells us/them, that our situation is special. Our situation is much different than most, I/we are not like the stereo typical alcoholic.

There are probably more advantages for help for high risk professionals then are available to most. There are AA meetings just for police officers, there are meeting in the military along with detox/rehabs. There are unique support groups for first responders and PTSD groups just for them. This is where her/your situation may be unique but her drinking behaviors and denial and lack of following through with actually going to a meeting are all typical alcoholic behavior.

I think you have gotten a lot of great suggestions here for yourself . I think it’s more important for you to research alcoholic behaviors and how loved ones can support and not enable then it would be looking for any solution for her and her drinking.

Gm0824

The oldest is starting to be impacted I'm afraid. She is getting more and more upset. I want to tell her what is really happening but I know I can't.

This. Hit me right in the feels. I don't believe I have shared this story before. My ex husband was functioning until he wasn't also. Always the life of the party, until he wasn't. Kept most of his meanness towards me private, away from the children, until he didn't. Anyway, I don't need to paint the entire picture because we have all lived that life. Our children were exposed to addiction/alcoholism and I was afraid to name it. Why? Because, he "could" get better and then what? Then I would be the bad guy.

One night, he was drunk and high raging at me and the children. He went into the other room punching the walls as he did so and I grabbed the children and ran out. My parental instincts to protect the children took over my codependent brain and the act of leaving with nothing but the clothes on our backs in the middle of the night not caring what our neighbors thought or what my parents would think when we showed up at their house unannounced was like an out of body experience for me. Until my young child who was 4 years old whispered as I carried her out of the house, "Mom, are we leaving because the a/c is broken or because Dad is yelling again?" Those simple words shot straight to my heart and every time I justified staying and defended his actions to the children swirled in my head. This innocent child tried to balance what was occurring with the limited life experience she had. For her, the only time we had left before was is if the a/c was broken. Not that his actions were dangerous or intolerable. But she had some inner voice that questioned what was "it". The children had been exposed to so much in their short lives but they had no name for what was happening.

I am so glad you are reaching out for help and getting a plan together for you and the children. I apologize for the text wall, I felt compelled to share because I felt connected to your words. We have all been there, you are not alone. That night was the first of many nights we have had open and honest (age appropriate) conversations about what was happening. Thanks for letting me share, it's a difficult road and there is support here.

dandylion

Mr. Anderson....how is it going?

Seren

Good morning, Mr. Anderson,

Welcome to SR! Although I am sorry for what has brought you here, you've found a great place.

I realize that what other members have shared with you may not be what you expected to hear. They are speaking to you, however, out of the depth of their own past experiences with an alcoholic spouse or parent.

Please know that you can come here at any time to vent and ask questions. I hope and pray that someday, your wife will realize just what she is doing to herself and how she is damaging her children.

Do take good care! I hope today has dawned just a bit brighter.

S

HikerLady

Best thing I ever did in terms of my marriage was attend that first Alanon meeting. Read, read and read more about alcoholism and codependency. While I eventually separated and am now close to finalizing divorce, it was not my first choice at all. What I learned in my case is that the only hope either of us had at finding peace and living a happy fulfilling life, which in turn makes a better father/mother for our children, was that I needed to end the marriage to save myself and show my sons that despite hardship, stress, and pain you can move on without drowning it all out and trying to avoid it all. My stbxah white knuckled sobriety for the longest time ever when we first separated, even started attending AA meetings, but is again struggling and avoiding the need for something more substantial. It breaks my heart that my sons may never have a sober happy Dad. The difference this time is that I'm not in the wings prodding and giving him a soft place to land UNTIL he does something about it. Sometimes people will stall their lives away to avoid doing what needs to be or should be done. I got worn out waiting for changes he needed to make and started making my own necessary changes to be better and do better for myself and my sons.