what it's like to date an alcoholic
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what it's like to date an alcoholic
Over the course of less than a year , I have fallen in love with an alcoholic. Then, unexpectedly, the love we built came crashing down. This is a little glimpse of what to expect, should you fall in love with someone who battles alcoholism on a daily basis.
They will tell you that you don’t understand. They are right. No matter how many hours you spend researching alcoholism, and no matter how driven you are to understand, you never will unless you have experienced it first hand. They will find it hard to tell the truth. They will feel guilty. They won’t tell you how much they appreciate you. They will make excuses. They will want alcohol. No matter what. Good day? Alcohol. Bad day? Alcohol. Uneventful day? Alcohol. You will try to help and give advise. And it will blow up in your face. And eventually, they will leave you.
You will want to understand. You will do anything to understand. You never will. And it will be the most confusing and the most heartbreaking thing you have ever experienced. You will sit down and try to convince them to go to rehab. They wont care. You will be lied to. You will hurt. For them and yourself. You will argue. You will want to mean as much as the addiction but you wont. You will think how can I not matter and your family as much as a liquid.They don’t realize that you arguing because you care. You won’t mean to argue, but it will happen. And it will happen often. Because they don’t know how much you care. They are broken and in turn it will feel like you are as well. You will shed more tears than you knew your body could hold. Your family will love them. And support them. And treat them like their own child. And you will love their family. You will make sacrifices. You will lose the love you had for the things and people you loved. Nothing will matter more to you than them. You will worry. You will worry too much. You will care too much. You will want to spend every waking moment with them. Because you worry. And you care. And you are in love. You will feel better then because you will know they are okay. You will want to protect them. And they will hate it. They will tell you that they don’t need you to help them. But you will feel like you need to. You will feel more like their mother than their significant other. And they will hate it. You will see how much they care about school. And you will be so damn proud of them when they do well at work. But they won’t understand. Because they don’t want to. They won’t care. You will spend money on them that you cannot afford to spend. Because you want them to be happy. You will hate yourself for being an enabler. But how were you supposed to know?
Eventually, they will leave you. And it will kill you. Weren’t you exactly what they needed? Weren’t you there to help them? And love them? And cheer for them? ... Yes, you were. But they don’t want that. They will want to keep you as long as fit their life style and let them do what they want when they want no matter the consequences. But your feelings will be too strong to settle on having them just as a friend. You won’t want to be their friend. You won’t want to watch them hit rock bottom when you were there with open arms and they didn’t give you the chance. They will feel guilty for bringing you into their dark world. You will try to explain to them that you don’t mind. But being lied to from the beginning you didn't know and you fell hard. But they won’t care. They want to do it when they are ready” on their own. But you know they won’t. You will convince yourself that they need you. And you will do anything to help and for them to see the beauty and wonderfulness they possess. And they won’t.
You will lose your mind. You will spiral out of control. And it feels like the biggest loss because you see that person without the shame guilt and alcohol. You will unfriend them on every social media site. You will delete their number. You will want to look at their social media sites to make sure they are okay. But you can’t. You will find every reason to text them, but you won’t. Because you are scared that you won’t get an answer. And you know they want it this way. You know you deserve someone who can have a healthy relationship but alcohol is the only one they can have and it is far from healthy. You torment yourself on what was real and what was a lie. That they lost their battle with alcoholism. You will wait for them to text you. You will wait by your phone in hopes that they care enough to check on you. The text will never come. You will stop sleeping. You will stop eating. You will go back to therapy. Because the person you never expected to lose, left. Did I not love myself enough, did I love them to much. You will feel angry at them at yourself. Question every move and mistake you made. And they don’t care enough about you to contact you. You will feel terrible for loving them wrong. But they won’t realize that you were afraid to. You will remember every moment. You will relive the memories. Both good and bad. And they will be doing just fine on their own. Without you. You will worry that they have forgotten about you. And you will cry. Because they are every thought in your head. From sun up to sun down. And through the night. You will never stop thinking about them. And wondering about them. And missing them. And worrying about them. You will want to hold them in your arms. And talk to them. And tell them you are proud of them. And you won’t ever get the chance to. You will have to come to the realization that they don’t need you or want you like you have convinced yourself you they did.
The moral of the story here is that it is tough to love an alcoholic. But just because they are an alcoholic doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve your love. They are normal people fighting a battle that is so much harder than one you will ever have to face. They are not their alcoholism. They are some of the most loving people you will ever meet. And they deserve your love more than any other walking, breathing human being. Don’t shy away from your feelings because of something that is part of them. Just know that you have to be ready to be heartbroken. Over and over again. Until they shatter your heart into a million pieces and it can’t be put back together for some time. But you have to be strong enough to let them go. If you are truly in love with them, you have to let them go. Don’t give up on them. Don’t ever give up on them. They need your love and support more than either of you care to realize. But you will have to let them go. You will have to love them from a distance. Pray for them and wish them every joy in life.
I don’t have any less love in my heart for them now than I did before. They say that time heals. But every moment spent away, I ask was it real. And its not fair. Because I don’t get a say anymore. I messed up or got to close or even just asked the wrong question. I don’t hate them for leaving me. I should. But I don’t. Because the love in my heart overrides any and all negative feelings I have toward them. And it always will.
You can care about them. You can want to help them. You can give up everything for them. You can love them. My god you can love them. But all the love in the world cannot save them. You cannot save them."
I stubbed across this and made my own adjustments but it was spot on. No author
I know this a is a grieving process but I am sad and Hope I am not going crazy although my friends tell me this is normal.
They will tell you that you don’t understand. They are right. No matter how many hours you spend researching alcoholism, and no matter how driven you are to understand, you never will unless you have experienced it first hand. They will find it hard to tell the truth. They will feel guilty. They won’t tell you how much they appreciate you. They will make excuses. They will want alcohol. No matter what. Good day? Alcohol. Bad day? Alcohol. Uneventful day? Alcohol. You will try to help and give advise. And it will blow up in your face. And eventually, they will leave you.
You will want to understand. You will do anything to understand. You never will. And it will be the most confusing and the most heartbreaking thing you have ever experienced. You will sit down and try to convince them to go to rehab. They wont care. You will be lied to. You will hurt. For them and yourself. You will argue. You will want to mean as much as the addiction but you wont. You will think how can I not matter and your family as much as a liquid.They don’t realize that you arguing because you care. You won’t mean to argue, but it will happen. And it will happen often. Because they don’t know how much you care. They are broken and in turn it will feel like you are as well. You will shed more tears than you knew your body could hold. Your family will love them. And support them. And treat them like their own child. And you will love their family. You will make sacrifices. You will lose the love you had for the things and people you loved. Nothing will matter more to you than them. You will worry. You will worry too much. You will care too much. You will want to spend every waking moment with them. Because you worry. And you care. And you are in love. You will feel better then because you will know they are okay. You will want to protect them. And they will hate it. They will tell you that they don’t need you to help them. But you will feel like you need to. You will feel more like their mother than their significant other. And they will hate it. You will see how much they care about school. And you will be so damn proud of them when they do well at work. But they won’t understand. Because they don’t want to. They won’t care. You will spend money on them that you cannot afford to spend. Because you want them to be happy. You will hate yourself for being an enabler. But how were you supposed to know?
Eventually, they will leave you. And it will kill you. Weren’t you exactly what they needed? Weren’t you there to help them? And love them? And cheer for them? ... Yes, you were. But they don’t want that. They will want to keep you as long as fit their life style and let them do what they want when they want no matter the consequences. But your feelings will be too strong to settle on having them just as a friend. You won’t want to be their friend. You won’t want to watch them hit rock bottom when you were there with open arms and they didn’t give you the chance. They will feel guilty for bringing you into their dark world. You will try to explain to them that you don’t mind. But being lied to from the beginning you didn't know and you fell hard. But they won’t care. They want to do it when they are ready” on their own. But you know they won’t. You will convince yourself that they need you. And you will do anything to help and for them to see the beauty and wonderfulness they possess. And they won’t.
You will lose your mind. You will spiral out of control. And it feels like the biggest loss because you see that person without the shame guilt and alcohol. You will unfriend them on every social media site. You will delete their number. You will want to look at their social media sites to make sure they are okay. But you can’t. You will find every reason to text them, but you won’t. Because you are scared that you won’t get an answer. And you know they want it this way. You know you deserve someone who can have a healthy relationship but alcohol is the only one they can have and it is far from healthy. You torment yourself on what was real and what was a lie. That they lost their battle with alcoholism. You will wait for them to text you. You will wait by your phone in hopes that they care enough to check on you. The text will never come. You will stop sleeping. You will stop eating. You will go back to therapy. Because the person you never expected to lose, left. Did I not love myself enough, did I love them to much. You will feel angry at them at yourself. Question every move and mistake you made. And they don’t care enough about you to contact you. You will feel terrible for loving them wrong. But they won’t realize that you were afraid to. You will remember every moment. You will relive the memories. Both good and bad. And they will be doing just fine on their own. Without you. You will worry that they have forgotten about you. And you will cry. Because they are every thought in your head. From sun up to sun down. And through the night. You will never stop thinking about them. And wondering about them. And missing them. And worrying about them. You will want to hold them in your arms. And talk to them. And tell them you are proud of them. And you won’t ever get the chance to. You will have to come to the realization that they don’t need you or want you like you have convinced yourself you they did.
The moral of the story here is that it is tough to love an alcoholic. But just because they are an alcoholic doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve your love. They are normal people fighting a battle that is so much harder than one you will ever have to face. They are not their alcoholism. They are some of the most loving people you will ever meet. And they deserve your love more than any other walking, breathing human being. Don’t shy away from your feelings because of something that is part of them. Just know that you have to be ready to be heartbroken. Over and over again. Until they shatter your heart into a million pieces and it can’t be put back together for some time. But you have to be strong enough to let them go. If you are truly in love with them, you have to let them go. Don’t give up on them. Don’t ever give up on them. They need your love and support more than either of you care to realize. But you will have to let them go. You will have to love them from a distance. Pray for them and wish them every joy in life.
I don’t have any less love in my heart for them now than I did before. They say that time heals. But every moment spent away, I ask was it real. And its not fair. Because I don’t get a say anymore. I messed up or got to close or even just asked the wrong question. I don’t hate them for leaving me. I should. But I don’t. Because the love in my heart overrides any and all negative feelings I have toward them. And it always will.
You can care about them. You can want to help them. You can give up everything for them. You can love them. My god you can love them. But all the love in the world cannot save them. You cannot save them."
I stubbed across this and made my own adjustments but it was spot on. No author
I know this a is a grieving process but I am sad and Hope I am not going crazy although my friends tell me this is normal.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 1
Exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so much for sharing. This is so very true. My heart has never hurt as much as it has letting go of my alcoholic fiancé. I love her like no other in my life. But I have to let her go. For my own good, my own sanity, my own self respect and love. But it really hurts.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
It's a very emotional post by someone who is very obviously hurting but I have to say I disagree with a few of the points.
It's not harder than what many people face. Many people have very tough challenges in life. Alcoholism is a battle and I'm not implying it's not tough, but so are a lot of life's challenges.
They are not necessarily some of the most loving people you will ever meet either. They are not all the same, they are individuals. Many alcoholics do tend to cover their feelings or hide from them with alcohol - that's not conducive to "loving".
No, no they don't.
They are normal people fighting a battle that is so much harder than one you will ever have to face. They are not their alcoholism. They are some of the most loving people you will ever meet.
They are not necessarily some of the most loving people you will ever meet either. They are not all the same, they are individuals. Many alcoholics do tend to cover their feelings or hide from them with alcohol - that's not conducive to "loving".
And they deserve your love more than any other walking, breathing human being.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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May I also offer the thought that maybe the person choosing to allow their life to be taken over in such a way by another person needs to look at their part in it. Possibly co-dependency, lack of boundaries, no sense of self in play.
I write as both an alcoholic myself and a person married to an active alcoholic. I have sick thinking in both of those areas. I need to work my recovery program on both issues.
There are two parts to all relationships. Al-anon teaches us this.
A mentally healthy person would not usually get involved with an addict.
I write as both an alcoholic myself and a person married to an active alcoholic. I have sick thinking in both of those areas. I need to work my recovery program on both issues.
There are two parts to all relationships. Al-anon teaches us this.
A mentally healthy person would not usually get involved with an addict.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Duly noted trailmix.
And sometimes folks who present themselves to be most charismatic, and the life of the party, gainfully employed, great conversationalists,active community supporters , committed spouses are a sh*tshow behind closed doors.
The normal response being , not a single one of us intentionally set out to be involved with an active alcoholic. It takes our lives turning to absolute chaos and turmoil for us to realize this is no longer considered normal daily life.
Not being able to acknowledge our our self worth, is how we keep returning to the the active alcoholic, because this time it will be different.
Trailmix is correct when he states “not the most loving people you will ever meet,” actually quite the opposite, a very selfish, self consumed, never can accept responsibility or apologize for their unacceptable actions, is now living in our homes, and consuming us.
And sometimes folks who present themselves to be most charismatic, and the life of the party, gainfully employed, great conversationalists,active community supporters , committed spouses are a sh*tshow behind closed doors.
The normal response being , not a single one of us intentionally set out to be involved with an active alcoholic. It takes our lives turning to absolute chaos and turmoil for us to realize this is no longer considered normal daily life.
Not being able to acknowledge our our self worth, is how we keep returning to the the active alcoholic, because this time it will be different.
Trailmix is correct when he states “not the most loving people you will ever meet,” actually quite the opposite, a very selfish, self consumed, never can accept responsibility or apologize for their unacceptable actions, is now living in our homes, and consuming us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by trailmix 
It's a very emotional post by someone who is very obviously hurting but I have to say I disagree with a few of the points.
It's not harder than what many people face. Many people have very tough challenges in life. Alcoholism is a battle and I'm not implying it's not tough, but so are a lot of life's challenges.
They are not necessarily some of the most loving people you will ever meet either. They are not all the same, they are individuals. Many alcoholics do tend to cover their feelings or hide from them with alcohol - that's not conducive to "loving".
No, no they don't.
It's not harder than what many people face. Many people have very tough challenges in life. Alcoholism is a battle and I'm not implying it's not tough, but so are a lot of life's challenges.
They are not necessarily some of the most loving people you will ever meet either. They are not all the same, they are individuals. Many alcoholics do tend to cover their feelings or hide from them with alcohol - that's not conducive to "loving".
No, no they don't.
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Originally Posted by gadgetdude
Exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so much for sharing. This is so very true. My heart has never hurt as much as it has letting go of my alcoholic fiancé. I love her like no other in my life. But I have to let her go. For my own good, my own sanity, my own self respect and love. But it really hurts.
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Duly noted trailmix.
And sometimes folks who present themselves to be most charismatic, and the life of the party, gainfully employed, great conversationalists,active community supporters , committed spouses are a sh*tshow behind closed doors.
The normal response being , not a single one of us intentionally set out to be involved with an active alcoholic. It takes our lives turning to absolute chaos and turmoil for us to realize this is no longer considered normal daily life.
Not being able to acknowledge our our self worth, is how we keep returning to the the active alcoholic, because this time it will be different.
Trailmix is correct when he states “not the most loving people you will ever meet,” actually quite the opposite, a very selfish, self consumed, never can accept responsibility or apologize for their unacceptable actions, is now living in our homes, and consuming us.
And sometimes folks who present themselves to be most charismatic, and the life of the party, gainfully employed, great conversationalists,active community supporters , committed spouses are a sh*tshow behind closed doors.
The normal response being , not a single one of us intentionally set out to be involved with an active alcoholic. It takes our lives turning to absolute chaos and turmoil for us to realize this is no longer considered normal daily life.
Not being able to acknowledge our our self worth, is how we keep returning to the the active alcoholic, because this time it will be different.
Trailmix is correct when he states “not the most loving people you will ever meet,” actually quite the opposite, a very selfish, self consumed, never can accept responsibility or apologize for their unacceptable actions, is now living in our homes, and consuming us.
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Originally Posted by GotMyBackPack
Thank you. Truly.
Originally Posted by gadgetdude
Exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so much for sharing. This is so very true. My heart has never hurt as much as it has letting go of my alcoholic fiancé. I love her like no other in my life. But I have to let her go. For my own good, my own sanity, my own self respect and love. But it really hurts.
You have stumbled upon a great place for support and shared experience! When you are comfortable, maybe start a thread and introduce yourselves
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes, welcome to both of you, hope you will keep posting!
It's tough, no doubt. I don't know if you have been browsing Sober Recovery for a while or just came upon it but there is a wealth of information and wisdom here.
Interesting that you came across this thread which is actually a really interesting discussion, in my opinion.
There is also a lot of information to be found in the stickies section at the top of the forum. If you haven't read them you might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Equestrian83 also wrote another post in her thread here, which you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hy-so-sad.html (Dodged a bullet... but why so sad?)
It's tough, no doubt. I don't know if you have been browsing Sober Recovery for a while or just came upon it but there is a wealth of information and wisdom here.
Interesting that you came across this thread which is actually a really interesting discussion, in my opinion.
There is also a lot of information to be found in the stickies section at the top of the forum. If you haven't read them you might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Equestrian83 also wrote another post in her thread here, which you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hy-so-sad.html (Dodged a bullet... but why so sad?)
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Sorry, Equestrian's other thread in Friends and Family is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hy-so-sad.html (Dodged a bullet... but why so sad?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hy-so-sad.html (Dodged a bullet... but why so sad?)
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Wow this hit the nail on the head my ex has come back into my life after 3 years apart.
His drinking has got worse and I helped him through a bad situation he had gotten into I suppose that why he contacted me.
It hard looking into the eyes of a person you love, I would have done anything for this man but drink took priority 😢
He still tells me he loves me and misses me if I was a bottle of red I would believe him he misses the support the me making him feel better on his down days what did I get back nothing just a broken heart 😢
His drinking has got worse and I helped him through a bad situation he had gotten into I suppose that why he contacted me.
It hard looking into the eyes of a person you love, I would have done anything for this man but drink took priority 😢
He still tells me he loves me and misses me if I was a bottle of red I would believe him he misses the support the me making him feel better on his down days what did I get back nothing just a broken heart 😢
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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[I] And they deserve your love more than any other walking, breathing human being. [/I
and i will suck every piece of your being right out of you.
i will take away your dignity.
your self love.
your self care.
will suck every ounce of energy you have.
will deplete your mental,emotional, and financial bank accounts.
i will leave you feeling lost.
i will leave you feeling confused.
i will leave you feeling you couldnt save me.
i will leave you.
because alcohol is more important than your love.
and i will suck every piece of your being right out of you.
i will take away your dignity.
your self love.
your self care.
will suck every ounce of energy you have.
will deplete your mental,emotional, and financial bank accounts.
i will leave you feeling lost.
i will leave you feeling confused.
i will leave you feeling you couldnt save me.
i will leave you.
because alcohol is more important than your love.
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Originally Posted by xoxAngelxox
Wow this hit the nail on the head my ex has come back into my life after 3 years apart.
His drinking has got worse and I helped him through a bad situation he had gotten into I suppose that why he contacted me.
It hard looking into the eyes of a person you love, I would have done anything for this man but drink took priority 😢
He still tells me he loves me and misses me if I was a bottle of red I would believe him he misses the support the me making him feel better on his down days what did I get back nothing just a broken heart 😢
His drinking has got worse and I helped him through a bad situation he had gotten into I suppose that why he contacted me.
It hard looking into the eyes of a person you love, I would have done anything for this man but drink took priority 😢
He still tells me he loves me and misses me if I was a bottle of red I would believe him he misses the support the me making him feel better on his down days what did I get back nothing just a broken heart 😢
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Originally Posted by Equestrian83
I agree with that, but I also feel people deserve love displite thier struggles in life. I also would agree loving them from a distance and keeping yourself worth is more important.
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Thank you for this post. One thing-- sometimes they don't leave you and instead suck your soul and your blood right out of your body unless you leave them. They will take 20 years from your life in the blink of an eye exactly like in Princess Bride.
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