Fancy7

My ex abf has kept in contact with me ever since I broke up with him . His addiction got so bad that I couldn’t help him and I started a life on my own and began taking care of myself . But he still calls periodically and just recently made it known he has someone new but merely because he said I dont accept him for who he is and she does and she has money as well. It Just breaks my heart to hear him say it , but I don’t want to enable him , or be part of his current addiction , yet I still answer his calls and he told me last week that he loves her more than he loved me and to leave him alone and then calls the next day and asks if we can be friends and gets upset when I tell Him we aren’t friends and that we can’t be friends after being in a relationship for over 5 years .. I just don’t understand what he wants from me or why he keeps in contact with me . If anyone can shed some light that would be wonderful .. thank you !

Seren

Hello Fancy, Welcome to SR!!

Really sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us

The behavior of someone in active addiction can be explained, ime, in terms of their own desires and needs. Obtaining and using his drug of choice is number one, and anything and anyone who interferes with that is secondary. So, he now has someone who doesn't hassle him about his use (doesn't interfere) and can pay for it, too, is ideal for his addiction. But not for him, ultimately.

Although I can't know the mind of your ex, perhaps he is keeping you "on the hook" in case his current situation fails he has a backup place to live and the attention he wants.

I hope you know that you are worth so much more than that! I hope your ex will eventually get the help he needs, but that is not something you can really provide for him. I hope today is just a bit brighter than yesterday!

atalose

Talk is cheap, actions are everything. Stop saying you are no longer friends and show him that….block his # and be done already. Otherwise you are inviting this to keep happening and keep hurting yourself over and over again.

Because you keep answering your phone.

He does what he does and says what he says because he is an addict. It really has nothing at all to do with you, there is no secret message or meaning behind it. I’m sure if you block him from contacting you he’ll move on to harassing someone else.

No new contact = no new hurts.

biminiblue

Well isn't he Precious, thinking you need updates on his new GF and her money.

I agree with atalose, it stops when you stop. You don't have to take his calls, be friends on facebook, listen to his voicemails, say "hi," at the grocery, nor read any texts or emails.

If it's over, I don't have any contact with them at all and I don't follow them on social media nor do I engage by text or email. It is over for a reason.

Troubledone

I read recently in a book "Smoke and Mirrors" that it is more important to discern the motive behind what addicts say than what they say.

Someone can say I love you with the motive of sharing their true feelings. Addicts on the other hand aren't capable of love, so "I love you" often means "I want to keep you on the hook in case I need something from you later".

The crazy contradictions are also ways to keep you off balance and out of center so you lose track of your own truth.

It does stop when you stop - and that is hard. Codependents are all about doing - fixing, saving, listening, empathizing. We lack the courage to do nothing when that is what is needed. For me it has been because I have been afraid of the feelings I'll need to face when I let go. Grief, sadness, anger at myself and the addict, embarrassment at my gullibility, the list goes on. But being willing to face myself has been the only path to freedom.

Prayers that you find truth and freedom in this situation - if that is what you want.

Peace

AnvilheadII

the other side of the question is why do you stay in contact with an ex, who now has a new girlfriend?

53500

Because you answer, you react, you give him attention, he knows he can still push your buttons . Your attention, good or bad, feeds his ego. Stop answering.

Freedom1990

No contact can be a really good thing sometimes.

teatreeoil007

Awesome you started going in the direction of taking care of yourself! That is what you need to keep doing, friend.

It's totally possible he still has a love for you and always will and you could have been his first choice in potential girlfriends....IF....you "accepted" him and his addiction. But, like you've said, it got so bad you couldn't help him and so you broke up likely for your own good.

He might be tempted to wave the new girlfriend flag in front of you to get a reaction out of you or whatever....you don't have to play into it or even expose yourself to it at all. No contact, lady. It's recommended for a very good reason.

sunny053

Hey Fancy, well done for leaving that situation and starting a life of your own. That is a huge step that takes immense courage - after being in a relationship for 5 years that must have been really difficult. It's not your fault that you're going through this, and while I agree with other posters that he's keeping you "on the hook" I don't want you to think that you are to blame for his actions, they are solely his. Regardless of how you respond to his messages and calls you are a human being and you aren't asking for this pain and worry to be brought on you. I hope that you do find the strength to ignore him, or at the very least don't take on board what he is saying. He's actively living in addiction and I'm sure you shared many wonderful moments with him, which you now need to grieve and eventually let go of. Don't feel like you're missing out, or anxious that he's going to be happier or better off without you, he's the one who's missing out. He's not going to magically change because he's with another person, and although he might be bragging about it now and he may be saying all the right things to her for it to go well, unless he becomes serious about his recovery and takes the necessary steps to work towards living a sober and more fulfilling life, he's not going to treat her any better than he treated you. Your happiness doesn't depend on or come from him, it's yours to own, and around the corner is an amazing sense of freedom and self care you may not have thought possible. It sounds like you're doing great so far - you're definitely on the right track in that you recognise what he's doing and you've taken steps to protect yourself from the impacts of his addiction. Keep this up, stay strong and try to remember that he's not adding anything to your life - he's trying to contact you because he's getting something out of talking to you. You don't need him, so by not talking to him you're really not the one who's missing out, he is. Stay strong xx