Post Divorce- Still Struggling
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Post Divorce- Still Struggling
So divorce has been finalized for several weeks. I still feel like I’m living under this mans thumb and having to walk on eggshells. We share 2 kids and have 50/50 custody (soberlink is in place). I swear he PUNISHES me via my kids. He’s willing to be flexible on schedule (my job is demanding), have the kids call me on his days, coparent, etc WHEN he wants too. All it takes is him getting mad about the smallest thing and all of that is gone. I lose access to my kids when he has them, etc. It really feels like punishment.
Also he has no job, decided to go back to school to get a second degree, is blowing what $$ he has (just bought a boat) and has all sorts of free time to do stuff with the kids in his days. I have a good, yet demanding, job so get to pay a boatload in child support and work a ton of hours while he gallivants around and the kids think he is just fantastic and I’m damn chopped liver. They have to go to daycare with me, bed on time, wake up early. They can just stay up late, sleep in, and do whatever. I am SOOO BITTER about this guys?!
I feel as though I have done nothing but try to make good responsible choices and do what’s best for myself and kids and I’m punished for it. I’m punished by him. I’m punished by the system.
Words of encouragement appreciated.
Also he has no job, decided to go back to school to get a second degree, is blowing what $$ he has (just bought a boat) and has all sorts of free time to do stuff with the kids in his days. I have a good, yet demanding, job so get to pay a boatload in child support and work a ton of hours while he gallivants around and the kids think he is just fantastic and I’m damn chopped liver. They have to go to daycare with me, bed on time, wake up early. They can just stay up late, sleep in, and do whatever. I am SOOO BITTER about this guys?!
I feel as though I have done nothing but try to make good responsible choices and do what’s best for myself and kids and I’m punished for it. I’m punished by him. I’m punished by the system.
Words of encouragement appreciated.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Bachtel,
I can only imagine you are bitter...and he is using the access to your children as punishment. That old saying that "no good deed goes unpunished" seems really appropriate here! And I'm so sorry to hear it!
Although I have no experience to share, I just wanted to let you know that you and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers! Hang in there!
I can only imagine you are bitter...and he is using the access to your children as punishment. That old saying that "no good deed goes unpunished" seems really appropriate here! And I'm so sorry to hear it!
Although I have no experience to share, I just wanted to let you know that you and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers! Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Your ex and my ex sound like they could be twins.
This is what control freaks do.
Sorry to say as long as he knows/thinks his actions are having this negative effect on you, he will continue .
Together, as a couple , parenting skills were developed.You were both on the same page, sharing the same values, sharing the hope and dream of raising decent, happy, healthy kids together.
The kids now have two separate households, each with its own rules ( of lack of rules) and there is going to be an adjustment period for all involved.
It is scary to place our kids in someone’s hands that we no longer trust.
I can understand how you feel you are still walking on eggshells. Perhaps the only thing you can currently change is how you are perceiving the situation. We would walk thru fire to save our kids, what is a few eggshells.? It’s not ok that he is not having the kids call and check in, that is his control freak at work, And a violation of a court order, but I can’t wonder if you took a more neutral approach with him, if it would give you the result you are looking for.
he still know what triggers you and he is using it against you, and you and only you have the power to not allow him to continue to do this.
Wishing you peace.
This is what control freaks do.
Sorry to say as long as he knows/thinks his actions are having this negative effect on you, he will continue .
Together, as a couple , parenting skills were developed.You were both on the same page, sharing the same values, sharing the hope and dream of raising decent, happy, healthy kids together.
The kids now have two separate households, each with its own rules ( of lack of rules) and there is going to be an adjustment period for all involved.
It is scary to place our kids in someone’s hands that we no longer trust.
I can understand how you feel you are still walking on eggshells. Perhaps the only thing you can currently change is how you are perceiving the situation. We would walk thru fire to save our kids, what is a few eggshells.? It’s not ok that he is not having the kids call and check in, that is his control freak at work, And a violation of a court order, but I can’t wonder if you took a more neutral approach with him, if it would give you the result you are looking for.
he still know what triggers you and he is using it against you, and you and only you have the power to not allow him to continue to do this.
Wishing you peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I don't know how old your children are, but eventually they will see. I promise you that. They will see that you did the not fun, hard work of a parent, not a buddy. Stay strong it may take years but all children grow up and ask the questions "why didn't you love me enough to........?" It gets especially profound when they have kids of their own, then there is no hiding place.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only say work on letting go of anything you cannot control. You cannot control his choices, or how you access your kids during his time. It stinks, but it is what it is. My XAH knows the only single thing we have together that I care about is our kids. He tries to use that ALL the time and will continue to do so. I am aware of that and accept it.
When you expect nothing and get nothing, you won't be disappointed.
Sending you HUGE hugs.
When you expect nothing and get nothing, you won't be disappointed.
Sending you HUGE hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s hard not to be bitter when there have been so many negative experiences with them. I remember when I first got divorced many years ago when children were young. He was the fun parent and I was the disciplinary one, the homework police and the issuer of chores, so basically the un-fun one but the stable one. He fizzled out being the fun parent as a matter of fact he fizzled out at being a parent at all, he didn’t have time for them, couldn’t take them on weekends, holidays, summer vacation. But I was there for them like I had always been and I was the one they could always count on.
It’s not easy being the stable one, I know. Hang in there.
It’s not easy being the stable one, I know. Hang in there.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi batchel,
What support do you have in your life? The more I find, reach out for, and allow help/support for me & kiddo, the more fun we're having, both with great structure in our lives and freedom for healthy spontaneity.
Places I've found a growing support network have been varied. From recovery/therapy/al-anon end of things to people who encourage creative and bonding exercises for us.
Emotional abuse is a very damaging kind of abuse. Domestic abuse help centers often have group therapy. The two different ones I've found some free counseling through both had kids programs or supervision at the same as the adult group stuff.
One day at a time. Baby steps.
Several weeks post-divorce sounds like a very safe space for anger and frustrations to be exploding. Natural emotions. (((hugs)))
What support do you have in your life? The more I find, reach out for, and allow help/support for me & kiddo, the more fun we're having, both with great structure in our lives and freedom for healthy spontaneity.
Places I've found a growing support network have been varied. From recovery/therapy/al-anon end of things to people who encourage creative and bonding exercises for us.
Emotional abuse is a very damaging kind of abuse. Domestic abuse help centers often have group therapy. The two different ones I've found some free counseling through both had kids programs or supervision at the same as the adult group stuff.
One day at a time. Baby steps.
Several weeks post-divorce sounds like a very safe space for anger and frustrations to be exploding. Natural emotions. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Oh Batchel - hugs to you.
Agree that his “fun parenting” will fizzle out soon enough. And kids take notice. And they appreciate structure, even when it does not seem like it.
XAH just pitched a major fit and left town instead of looking after DS/taking him to the beach. Same situation - got mad about me being “late” half an hour - he was hanging out at my house with DS. I am not sure what it meant because it was his time - but the rage was scary. The goal was to punish me and leave with no childcare while I have to work. He threatened that he will screw me over so I cannot attend meetings at work, I said sure and showed him the door. Mind you he was going to take DS to the beach on my dime pretty much. He realized error of his ways a bit too late. No beach for him! (I am taking DS a couple of days later). Called and texted, cursed, called me names and claimed I ruined his life. Sounded completely unhinged - he is either relapsed or heading there, which is no longer my problem. Hate it for DS.
He moved out (with my help) 2.5 years ago and we got divorced 2 years ago, he moved 400 miles away, helps very little and always complains how tired he is. Did not work all summer and works twice a week during school year.
The key for me is to have no expectations and trust that he sucks as a parent and individual. Self absorbed, albeit sober (which is of course is a question mark at all times). And I no longer walk on eggshells.
Oh yeah, and he always presents it as I don’t give him access to the child when it is 100% opposite.
I feel sorry for him.
Agree that his “fun parenting” will fizzle out soon enough. And kids take notice. And they appreciate structure, even when it does not seem like it.
XAH just pitched a major fit and left town instead of looking after DS/taking him to the beach. Same situation - got mad about me being “late” half an hour - he was hanging out at my house with DS. I am not sure what it meant because it was his time - but the rage was scary. The goal was to punish me and leave with no childcare while I have to work. He threatened that he will screw me over so I cannot attend meetings at work, I said sure and showed him the door. Mind you he was going to take DS to the beach on my dime pretty much. He realized error of his ways a bit too late. No beach for him! (I am taking DS a couple of days later). Called and texted, cursed, called me names and claimed I ruined his life. Sounded completely unhinged - he is either relapsed or heading there, which is no longer my problem. Hate it for DS.
He moved out (with my help) 2.5 years ago and we got divorced 2 years ago, he moved 400 miles away, helps very little and always complains how tired he is. Did not work all summer and works twice a week during school year.
The key for me is to have no expectations and trust that he sucks as a parent and individual. Self absorbed, albeit sober (which is of course is a question mark at all times). And I no longer walk on eggshells.
Oh yeah, and he always presents it as I don’t give him access to the child when it is 100% opposite.
I feel sorry for him.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by batchel9 
So divorce has been finalized for several weeks. I still feel like I’m living under this mans thumb and having to walk on eggshells. We share 2 kids and have 50/50 custody (soberlink is in place). I swear he PUNISHES me via my kids. He’s willing to be flexible on schedule (my job is demanding), have the kids call me on his days, coparent, etc WHEN he wants too. All it takes is him getting mad about the smallest thing and all of that is gone. I lose access to my kids when he has them, etc. It really feels like punishment.
Also he has no job, decided to go back to school to get a second degree, is blowing what $$ he has (just bought a boat) and has all sorts of free time to do stuff with the kids in his days. I have a good, yet demanding, job so get to pay a boatload in child support and work a ton of hours while he gallivants around and the kids think he is just fantastic and I’m damn chopped liver. They have to go to daycare with me, bed on time, wake up early. They can just stay up late, sleep in, and do whatever. I am SOOO BITTER about this guys?!
I feel as though I have done nothing but try to make good responsible choices and do what’s best for myself and kids and I’m punished for it. I’m punished by him. I’m punished by the system.
Words of encouragement appreciated.
Also he has no job, decided to go back to school to get a second degree, is blowing what $$ he has (just bought a boat) and has all sorts of free time to do stuff with the kids in his days. I have a good, yet demanding, job so get to pay a boatload in child support and work a ton of hours while he gallivants around and the kids think he is just fantastic and I’m damn chopped liver. They have to go to daycare with me, bed on time, wake up early. They can just stay up late, sleep in, and do whatever. I am SOOO BITTER about this guys?!
I feel as though I have done nothing but try to make good responsible choices and do what’s best for myself and kids and I’m punished for it. I’m punished by him. I’m punished by the system.
Words of encouragement appreciated.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can relate. I am going through a divorce which is almost finalized. Divorce is horrible but going through it with an alcoholic is like living in hell. Hang in there (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I don't have any magic words to make it better, but just know that you are not alone. I too (along with many people on this thread) am the responsible, clean-up-your-mess, eat-vegetables, drive-to-sports-events, pay-the-bills parent. My ex owes me $30K in retroactive child support. He has SoberLink-monitored access visits with Kid, and guess who buys her bus tickets to get to his place (because, according to Kid, "my dad doesn't like going outside any more")? He would like me to drive Kid to and from his place, but I have this thing called "a job" which requires me to show up and do certain actions in order to get money.
Everyone tells me (and has probably told you) that kids grow up and figure it out - they figure out which parent showed up for them and which one didn't. They have two very different examples of how to be an adult - they will see which path leads to self-worth and earned self-esteem and which path leads to sitting in your apartment blaming the world for your miserable existence. I think we just have to be patient while children figure it out. Their denial can be very strong, but ultimately I believe they will see the difference.
I don't know if your kids really think their dad is fantastic - children of alcoholics are really good at picking up what the alcoholic parent wants from them (usually inappropriate praise) and performing it, even when they know on a deeper level that something is really off. You may be just another audience for the My Dad's Great And Awesome Absolutely Nothing Wrong Here show.
It's hard, I know. You have all my sympathy.
Everyone tells me (and has probably told you) that kids grow up and figure it out - they figure out which parent showed up for them and which one didn't. They have two very different examples of how to be an adult - they will see which path leads to self-worth and earned self-esteem and which path leads to sitting in your apartment blaming the world for your miserable existence. I think we just have to be patient while children figure it out. Their denial can be very strong, but ultimately I believe they will see the difference.
I don't know if your kids really think their dad is fantastic - children of alcoholics are really good at picking up what the alcoholic parent wants from them (usually inappropriate praise) and performing it, even when they know on a deeper level that something is really off. You may be just another audience for the My Dad's Great And Awesome Absolutely Nothing Wrong Here show.
It's hard, I know. You have all my sympathy.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
What I'm about to suggest might be terrible, but here goes.
While reading what you have written I'm thinking, this is so unfair - and in fact you are being punished, that much is clear.
Now, were this man not being so incredibly petty as to use your own children against you, I would never suggest this.
He keeps you in line, basically, by using your children as objects for blackmail while he plays fun Dad.
So this made me think, what is your defence, what is your ammunition here? What it is, is money. If you didn't work so hard, the money for maintenance of the boat probably wouldn't be available etc. The luxury of him staying in school.
What if you had a discussion with him and just mentioned that you are thinking of trying a less taxing position for work that won't pay as much but will allow you to spend much more time with the kids so you will downsize and unfortunately that would mean a reduction in his (boatload) of child support.
Now, that may actually not be such a horrible idea! I know there is a question of your own integrity here but has it even crossed your mind? I imagine it has so really in that case it's not even subterfuge. He thinks he has all the cards, the reality is, he does not.
Anyway, just a thought.
While reading what you have written I'm thinking, this is so unfair - and in fact you are being punished, that much is clear.
Now, were this man not being so incredibly petty as to use your own children against you, I would never suggest this.
He keeps you in line, basically, by using your children as objects for blackmail while he plays fun Dad.
So this made me think, what is your defence, what is your ammunition here? What it is, is money. If you didn't work so hard, the money for maintenance of the boat probably wouldn't be available etc. The luxury of him staying in school.
What if you had a discussion with him and just mentioned that you are thinking of trying a less taxing position for work that won't pay as much but will allow you to spend much more time with the kids so you will downsize and unfortunately that would mean a reduction in his (boatload) of child support.
Now, that may actually not be such a horrible idea! I know there is a question of your own integrity here but has it even crossed your mind? I imagine it has so really in that case it's not even subterfuge. He thinks he has all the cards, the reality is, he does not.
Anyway, just a thought.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I do like the way trailmix thinks.
Even if you never actually follow thru, it is perfectly ok to plant the seed. I see nothing wrong with giving him a taste of his own medicine, maybe it’s his turn to worry for a bit. Life is ever changing, there are no guarantees, change occurs.
Yep , his turn to squirm for a bit, he is failing to realize that it is your continued sacrifice, and commitment to your children that is currently allowing him his life of leisure.
Maybe the thought of him losing his security, and life as he currently knows it, will encourage him to play by the rules, embrace coparenting, and act like a responsible adult. Yes indeed , you do have more power than you think.
Even if you never actually follow thru, it is perfectly ok to plant the seed. I see nothing wrong with giving him a taste of his own medicine, maybe it’s his turn to worry for a bit. Life is ever changing, there are no guarantees, change occurs.
Yep , his turn to squirm for a bit, he is failing to realize that it is your continued sacrifice, and commitment to your children that is currently allowing him his life of leisure.
Maybe the thought of him losing his security, and life as he currently knows it, will encourage him to play by the rules, embrace coparenting, and act like a responsible adult. Yes indeed , you do have more power than you think.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I can envision this conversation ,
“ I have realized that I am missing out on our children’s formative years. They are only going to be little for a short time, all I seem to do is work and pay the bills, I ran some numbers and if I cut back on X,Y, and Z, it would allow me the opportunity to spend more time with the kids.”
Let him chew on that for a few days, guess you could add that the child support would/ could be adjusted accordingly..... Bet all of a sudden calling mom to say good night isn’t such a big deal after all.
“ I have realized that I am missing out on our children’s formative years. They are only going to be little for a short time, all I seem to do is work and pay the bills, I ran some numbers and if I cut back on X,Y, and Z, it would allow me the opportunity to spend more time with the kids.”
Let him chew on that for a few days, guess you could add that the child support would/ could be adjusted accordingly..... Bet all of a sudden calling mom to say good night isn’t such a big deal after all.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Big HUG to you batchel. This is totally not fair for you right now. Not fair. Ewww. He shouldn't be buying a new boat for heaven's sake. He doesn't even have a job. Try not to become bitter....it would be so easy to do. I firmly believe that the error of peoples' ways do catch up to them eventually....so hang in there. What you're going through right now is SO not fun, BUT, you are doing the right thing and the respectable thing. So hold your chin up. It's good your kids are at least learning a little more discipline from you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
I hadn’t looked on in a few days and it was totally awesome that people were still commenting on my thread. Much needed!!
Yeah not a bad idea on waving my cards a bit. I make so much more $$ than him that it would take a significant step down for it to be realistic. I almost would need to find a new job completely.
I really hope my kids get it some day. I feel like I’m on such a teeter tauter, and have been for so long.
I think this makes me a terrible person but sometimes I just wish it would get worse. Like please please stop the “sometimes he’s doing well until he’s binging and being a monster”. He’s not getting help, not doing anything structured. Just has been attempting to white knuckle it for years, which still results in him drinking. Like just get worse and hit “rock bottom” or whatever needs to happen that things either change and/or make my path clear going forward. Right now we share the kids 50/50 because the judge or the system do not understand this style of drinking. He’s good 85% of the time, until he is not and he’s drinking to dangerous levels.
Yeah not a bad idea on waving my cards a bit. I make so much more $$ than him that it would take a significant step down for it to be realistic. I almost would need to find a new job completely.
I really hope my kids get it some day. I feel like I’m on such a teeter tauter, and have been for so long.
I think this makes me a terrible person but sometimes I just wish it would get worse. Like please please stop the “sometimes he’s doing well until he’s binging and being a monster”. He’s not getting help, not doing anything structured. Just has been attempting to white knuckle it for years, which still results in him drinking. Like just get worse and hit “rock bottom” or whatever needs to happen that things either change and/or make my path clear going forward. Right now we share the kids 50/50 because the judge or the system do not understand this style of drinking. He’s good 85% of the time, until he is not and he’s drinking to dangerous levels.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by batchel9
I think this makes me a terrible person but sometimes I just wish it would get worse. Like please please stop the “sometimes he’s doing well until he’s binging and being a monster”. He’s not getting help, not doing anything structured. Just has been attempting to white knuckle it for years, which still results in him drinking. Like just get worse and hit “rock bottom” or whatever needs to happen that things either change and/or make my path clear going forward. Right now we share the kids 50/50 because the judge or the system do not understand this style of drinking. He’s good 85% of the time, until he is not and he’s drinking to dangerous levels.
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