Mango212

As the title says. Help!

I'm getting good at not helping others if I've offered to and they've said no.

Now I'm starting to see how very good it can be to accept and allow help in healthy ways. This feels wrong. It isn't wrong! This is a false feeling.

Any tips, experiences, strength and hope welcome.

I've allowed help when in crisis mode. It made a wonderful different in my life and my recovery, with connecting in new ways with really wonderful people. I'm no longer in crisis mode. This is so far outside my comfort zone, it seems like a really good thing to do.

dandylion

Mango...I suspect that the reasons for resisting being open to help has it's origins in your early years....by the messages that you were given by your caregivers...that you have internalized by conscious/subconscious negative self talk.....
I'll bet the children's milk money that asking for and accepting help makes you feel very vulnerable....like exposing your tender underbelly to potential harm...
lol...am I warm...?

Mango212

Hot.

dandylion

Lol!

Mango212

Got some tears of joy here. Going to go sing, dance, play and watch the end scene of Matilda again.

I feel unworthy and scared of help. This. Is. Going. To. Change!

FireSprite

This was something I had to learn to do in recovery..... initially, no matter how badly I NEEDED help, the words burned like acid on my tongue & I'd have to literally spit. them. out.

Like everything else, it took practice but it was worth every hard minute. Especially in the way I've modeled healthier habits for DD14 to follow - she reached out for help when she was overwhelmed at the end of last school year & I was fully awed.

Mango212

Great tips! Keep them coming, please.

Do this for DS and myself. Check. We both need this.

Repeat. Repeat. Opening my heart to these words.

hopeful4

I think you just have to get to a mind set not to have that knee jerk reaction of "oh, I;m fine, thanks." I had that for so long. Then one day I made a promise to myself that I would not tell that lie to myself or to those close to me.

trailmix

I am terrible with this so I completely know what you mean and yes Dandylion - you hit the nail on the head, that vunerability!

You know that saying - no is a full sentence? So is yes.

I think practicing that is the key. When someone offers help, just say yes. Keep doing it, even though as Firesprite said you might have to "literally spit. them. out".

I kind of think of it like when you really don't want to say something and your mouth is closed and you are just making a humming noise lol

However, it can be done! lol

Mango212

"I think practicing that is the key. When someone offers help, just say yes."


I wanted to say no one has offered help. I can't. One woman who cares a lot about me and DS has offered something very open-ended. A place to stay as long as we need.

How do I accept that? [Big breath in. Huge exhale]

I pray. I trust. I practice saying, "yes", "please" and "thank you".

What's on my heart is to ask for 6 months. She & her husband have the place, the ability and genuinely would be glad to help.

I want to bargain, to do something "to make up for...." being alive? Needing help? Words and thoughts I need to write here. Honesty. Letting go of how I used to act and react.

dandylion

Mango.....you ARE worthy of help. You were born worthy. You are a child of the Universe. All children of the Universe deserve help.

dandylion

Mango.....I think better words would be that you would "gift" to the woman and her husband in ways that she might need help when and where the opportunity might arise. Remembering, that she is, also, a child of the Universe. Being worthy, at baseline, is uniform for all of God's creatures.
Also, remembering that when ones gives....as this woman seems genuinely willing to do....one also receives back....It is a gift, to her, to also allow her to help you!

It is essential, to each and every person that we give and receive.....we are all interdependent...no matter how much we might like to think differently….

trailmix

Yes, the bargain. Well I could say yes BUT, how do I "make up" for that, I could offer to clean the house and make fresh bread every day!

Forget the bargain, just say yes. See how it goes, see how it feels. It's new, it's a bit scary, it will be ok.

Clover71

I'm the same, so I understand. I don't ask for help and I find it very difficult to accept help

Mango212

"You know that saying - no is a full sentence? So is yes."

Really taking this to heart tonight. I've been working at saying "No." I can put that same effort into learning to say "Yes."


"Yes. I'd enjoy that."

"Yes. Extra support would be good for us."

Thank you comes easier. It's been a habit to tie it to a refusal.

Practicing: "Yes. Thank you."


In allowing a lot of fears, emotions and triggers have clarity -- as I become willing -- options, solutions and an abundance of time to plan things out are becoming very apparent. Trusting the process and how beautifully willingness transforms, again and again, followed by taking some kind of positive action.

#lifeisgood

Seren

Love this conversation! During my formative years (you know, back in the 1800's ), my parents' repeated refrain was that we should not be a burden on anyone. How dare we (my sister and I) impose ourselves on anyone else?!

So for me, I've had to learn that people want to help if they offer to do so! It's not "oh they're just being polite". I'm not just being polite when I offer to help, I really want to help if I'm offering

Mango212

Baby steps. Today I asked someone for help in a work-related matter. A list of names for a group of people I'll be spending a week with. By text. Letting go & letting God have this. I'm feeling physically sick.

The anxiety arising from this is actually becoming a bit amusing. I'm letting my twisted sense of humor kick in. The things I mentally freaked out about yesterday aren't in the forefront right now. Working through layers. Trusting in this process.

One foot in front of the other.

#courage

atalose

I had to go digging for this quote but I found it!

Be strong enough to stand alone.
Smart enough to know when you need help,
And brave enough to ask for it.

Mango212

In asking, I received more than I expected!

Warmth, thanks for what I do and photos of each person with their name. Some I've met before, quite some time ago, others are new to me.

Mango212

Taking more steps this week in dealing with the deeper issues. Good days. Enjoying life. I didn't know all this could flow together.

Thanks again for the help and insights!!!