stuckinfear

Sorry this will be long, but I need some support as I am really having a lot of weak moments and second guessing myself. Recently filed for divorce from AH after 20 yrs of marriage, have a 17 yr old daughter who was shielded from his issues until the last yr where it became obvious to her and started affecting our lives greatly. He still denies that he is an "alcoholic". He doesn't drink every day, can actually go days, sometimes a week or two without drinking. And over our marriage, some years have been much worse than others. We are both very stable and professionally successful people, live a very comfortable life. We have a big social circle and drink socially, but about 10 yrs ago, he started hiding bottles of vodka around the house, even though he was allowed and not scolded for drinking. Of course when confronted, he promised it would stop, i'm sure everyone knows the cycle. He would for a while, then start again. He also hid other things, like secretly emailing an old girlfriend, buying oxy from a neighbor, etc. He kind of went off the rails. I tried many times to leave, but couldn't bear the thought of splitting time with my daughter and ultimately never did. In 2013 I just told him I would stay, but don't expect me to be a wife that you want, this will just be a roommate situation. He ended up going to an outpatient treatment and halfway through he admitted he was an alcoholic. He finally sincerely apologized for so many things and the way he treated me and I thought we could maybe heal and move forward. Fast forward 6 months, he took a drink and decided those people brainwashed him. Yes, stupid me, I stayed. A year later I filed for divorce, he begged me and said it would be different, so I stayed. It was for a while, and he convinced me he could drink moderately and it was ok for a while. Then the vodka bottles started appearing periodically. The aggressive behavior, the name calling when we had a disagreement, me always waiting for him to come home and see if it was drunk or sober husband. Then this past yr my daughter caught on and he started embarassing her in front of her friends and she begged me one night not to let him embarrass her in front of her new boyfriend. Then when he cursed at me on Christmas day in front of my family and then left my daughter and I at my sisters house, i swore that was the last holiday he was ruining for me. B/c he always ruins every holiday. And it has been one drama after another until I filed in May. He was shocked? Now he is I think genuinely sorry and begging me to forgive him. I do love him, and miss the "good him". He sent me a note saying he had not had any vodka since I filed. But I know he has had other drinks. But if he really wanted to change, I think he would have checked himself into treatment. But I'm 51, my daughter is about to leave for college, and I'm just so sad and scared to spend my life alone. Just need some support that I am doing the right thing. I know he loves me, I just wish he would do the right thing, but I can't keep asking him. I confronted him multiple times this last year about the vodka bottles and he just scoffed at me. Now he says he was wrong. We are signing papers this week. It is all so final ending my whole adult life and I am devastated. But this is the only thing I feel I can do. Nothing else has made a change.

hopeful4

It's sad because regardless of what is wrong, you had a life together. Had children together. I COMPLETELY understand.

I was in a very similar situation. I am now 4 years divorced. I can only say that it does get better. You don't have to spend your life alone. Focus on taking care of YOU for a while. Life does not have to stop.

There comes a time that you will come to acceptance. This is a cycle of grief for you, and you have to go through those feelings before you get there. It will come, I promise! It's not easy or fun, but as you grow you will feel happy about that personal growth.

Sending you a big hug from one momma to another who truly gets it!

FireSprite

How could you not feel sad? That's a big, BIG deal. It's uncertain & confusing - especially with mixed messages of sobriety & promises.

If he's committed to real change for himself, you'll see it & you can always reconcile in the future if that makes sense for both of you. I think it's incredibly brave & empowering that you were able to cut to the chase & file so quickly! Sounds like you've had years of reasons to & once you made up your mind you just moved swiftly in that direction - that's awesome!

trailmix

Yes, if he really wanted treatment he would be in an AA meeting or rehab and texting that instead of an 'i'm sorry'.

Maybe he is sorry - he was sorry in 2013 and he is sorry now. That does not change one thing, as you know. It's a rollercoaster and if you are wanting to get off this particular emotional ride, that is your perogative.

As for your Daughter, if you managed to shield her from his alcoholism for 17 years that would be a miracle. It's not really realistic. She may not talk about it (or didn't until now), that doesn't mean she has not been affected.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and we never discussed it really - we didn't need to, it was the way it was, what is there to talk about? How annoying it was? How dysfunctional? Well no, to us it wasn't dysfunctional it was our normal to have someone come home drunk and everyone flee to the far corners of the house to avoid having to listen to more drunk rambling.

Does not mean we were not affected, does not mean we were shielded does not mean we didn't see it. I suspect that would ring true for your Daughter too.

As for your sadness, well yes, it's a long marriage, it is your "normal". You are 51, not 201!! Even if you were 201, would not mean you are not making the right decision.

You gave this your best shot, you supported him I'm sure, talked, cajoled, threatened, talked some more - over 20 years. If that was going to change anything it already would have.

My Mother left my Father after about 25 years of marriage. Nothing changed. He remained who he was.

It can be scary thinking of living alone when you're not used to it (I totally get that) but give it a few months, you will be surprised how good it feels!

I always said (having never really experienced it) I do not like living alone! I am not a living alone person! Well guess what, I do and I am lol

dandylion

stuckinfear…...I sounds like you have been living, basically, alone, for the past several years...…
Living as roomates is not the same as having a real husband and a fulfilling marriage....
It can be much more lonely, living in an unhappy marriage than actually living alone...…

Why not start going to alanon, and getting a personal therapist to support you?
Why not google "divorce support groups" in your area.....they are becoming quite common and people who join them say good things about the support and benefits that they offer!

BlownOne

Words are dirt cheap in the mouth of an alcoholic. I'm sorry is tired and lame at this point. Actions are the only thing that matter. Until he figures that out, he's not even remotely capable of change.

honeypig

I know it feels like you're ending your whole adult life now, but I'm a few years older than you, married for 19 years and together for 21 before divorcing 3 years ago, and I'm here to tell you that the only thing you're ending is that particular phase of your life.

Is it going to be sad and painful? You already KNOW it is. Are you going to doubt your actions? Most likely; most of us did at some point. Is it going to seem like nothing is getting better? Absolutely, and this is when you look back on the journal you've started keeping, so you can see your progress.

Feel the pain and the sorrow. There is no way around it, only through it. And take a look at this thread when you think you're "too old" to start over: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tart-over.html ("But I'm Too Old to Start Over...")

It's all going to be OK. Keep reading, keep posting, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

dawnrising

stuckinfear........ You know that feeling when your spouse is out of town and the kids are spending the night at a friends house and you have some much needed moments of peace and quiet. You didn't have to worry about anyone else needs or responsibilities, you didn't have to manage the moods of others by walking on eggshells or justify your behavior for the day, this is actually what living alone feels like! Don't get me wrong there will be moments that are lonely but lean in that is a gift. As one of my friends keeps telling me after a previous 30 year marriage, she found the love of her life in her 60's and they now have a beautiful marriage. When I feel lonely I cling to that thought but then I ask myself would I feel less lonely if I had stayed? The answer is no the most lonely I have ever felt in my life was sitting on the couch next to my AH night after night .......that's loneliness. Sitting on my couch alone night after night with my dogs and my peace ......that's bliss. Hang in there - much love coming your way.

stuckinfear

Thanks for all of the replies and support. I really need to hear these things from people that have lived what I have. I am just missing the "good" husband. When he wasn't doing the bad things, he was a generous, charming, good guy. I know, i know, then he wouldn't have done all that. I;m almost trying to defend him. But he is a guy that has tons of friends, an amazing family and would do anything for anyone, give anyone a hand, give friends help when they are down on their luck, etc. But the one thing he wouldn't do is stop drinking for his family. He is in denial. He is a "quiet" alcoholic. No one else has a clue about his problem except me and my daughter, which makes it harder. Of course he went around saying I was the problem in our marriage and always blamed me. I know he is really sad and feeling alone, but I agree that if he was really sorry he would be at meetings or counseling or doing something proactive. And that makes me so sad. Thank you for the suggestion of going to Alanon, I have never been, but will. And I had been to a counselor for a long time that I plan to go back to this week.

dandylion

stuckinfear…...I think you are going to be surprised, later, to find out that people have m ore of a clue than you think...…
Actually, your daughter has had more of an awareness than you probably think she does...if you could know all that she knows.....
Just because people and children don't verbalize things out loud straight to your face, doesn't mean that their heads are all in the sand.....

I was so shocked, about a year after I divorced my first husband (with 3 young kids)….Several people that knew us as a couple, would open up, and say..."I am so glad that you left him...I didn't think he treated you very well". I would say..."Why didn't you say anything?!" They would reply---"We didn't want to get involved in somebody else's marriage."

hearthealth

Just because someone promises not to drink anymore does not mean that the good husband will return. My husbamd has been sober for over a year and has not changed, not really. I have realized that I am changing and he has not. There is only so much of a changed life I can have with this man because he does not put in the effort. There is so much work that goes into a changed personality.

I think the sadness is what drew me back to the marriage. Sadness for me is because I was in love and commited to the marriage. I had happy moments to. The cycle keeps reoccurring until we are ready to make life better for ourselves.

Michsm

Isn’t 50 the new 30? You have to do what is best for you and your daughter. Will the good times creep in, yes! will you second guess yourself, yes! ..do you want to continue to live on that rollercoaster? Don’t you already feel alone with him?

firebolt

You won't be spending your life alone, not by a long shot.

I think this fear of being alone kept me stuck too.

But when I got out, what do you know....all those friends and family I semi neglected while I was trying to manage an alcoholic partner swooped right in for me. There's Alanon, there's this place, there's my biker gals, and my fishing friends, my book club, my aunt, brother and sister, coworkers, my oldest gal pals, new friends, and my neighbors. I am not alone - not by any stretch of the imagination. I am surrounded by people that love me. Healthy ones at that.

Maybe I feared having a bed to myself, or a lack of intimacy for a while, but as we all know, life with an alcoholic provides that stuff minimally and sporadically....and coupled with it, so much loneliness and sadness.

The first 6 months out is difficult. For me, there was a complete lack of comfort in doing things by myself. Plus, figuring out what I actually like to do by myself again. But after I got through that grief and 'who the hell am I' stuff....wow....I feel like I'm living life to MY potential. Rather than banking on someone elses in a losing situation.

Looking back at how I was living with an alcoholic, it seems almost surreal - and something I can never, ever go back to. It's way too miserable there. (((HUGS))) to you. CHange isn't easy, but it's so, SO worth it.