Zukunft

Hi my wise and supportive friends. I am now in the process of separation with my SO while the rehab support is still available. My therapist is confirming and supporting my decision to separate. My SO’s therapist is discussing all the options for alternative living arrangements (half way housing, group living etc).

The sticking point is my SO is not realizing the pain and suffering I have experienced over the years, the need for me to be alone and the deep conviction that I will be a better person without him. I’m still being called out as not being honest or full of youknowwhat. More belittling. I know this balling and disbelief comes from denial, self frustration, sadness and anger of the whole situation (not directed at me) but it is blocking the progress. We are remarkably able to discuss all this together since we both are stronger than before and both still want what’s best for each other. I think. Perhaps I’m convinced that we both want that? I’ve been compassionate and especially as of our last conversation, very direct about expressing my needs and wants. I want out. I’ve said it.

So. Am I missing anything? Is there anything you wise people have said to recovering loved ones that has helped to unblock to flow of emotions and thoughts so that separation can move ahead as best as possible? I’ll lurch, grind, drag and run if I have to but if anyone has any suggestions, I’m all grateful ears. Oh and some hugs will keep me going too! Thanks to everyone reading this. Knowing you’re there and I can write freely at this tough juncture is an enormous help. X

SparkleKitty

He’ll get there when he gets there, my friend. You have to keep taking care of you and let him work it out with all the support he is immersed in.

Zukunft

Thank you. I needed to be reminded of this. “He’ll get there when he gets there, my friend.”
X

tomsteve

there came a time with my ex chronic relapser(and it happened for a few women i was in relationships when i was in active alcoholism/addiction) that i finally stopped wasting my breath . i accepted there was nothing more i could say that would do any good.

Zukunft

i accepted there was nothing more i could say that would do any good.[/QUOTE]
I’ve said those words now too. I suppose I have to keep going on my path and let go of the effort to try/fail to help. Thanks.

BoxinRotz

I am in the exact same position right now with my soon to be ExAH. He is in complkete denial at the destruction of our marriage due to his drinking. He feels like I owe him another chance because I didn't give him enough over the last 8 years. He's probably been sober a total of 12 months out of those 8 years. I paid for a non contested divorce. He said he'd sign the papers. He also said that I have 90 days to come to my senses, tear them up and come back to him. It's like he has not accepted that this is over and I'm waiting for him to stop bothering me, belittling me, calling me out of my name and just accept this and move on.

Zukunft

Wow! All the best to you and keep strong. I now know what that means and what it means to wish it for others! It seems like no matter what we say it does not penetrate their problematic thinking. Maybe only time can help?
Personally, I’m talking 25 years of marriage and seeing much of it as though we mirrored and taught each other great things (the article in the Relationships section of this sight mentioned this). But that is only my perspective not my SO’s. They are considering it as half a life wasted. At the moment. I’m waiting for the next moment of contact...

trailmix

I kind of think of it like any "advice".

If you are asked for your opinion, you give it and then let it go - fluttering off to wherever, no longer in your control.

His experience is different from yours, what he wants is different and he's not where you are in thought. That seems pretty normal to me, two different people, two different thoughts about it. No amount of explaining, analogies, examples will make him think the way you do.

Hang in there, you are doing great.

hopeful4

It's when you look to an addict for those feelings that you become disappointed. MOST times, they will continue to play the blame game in their own head. This means, you don't get the sorry and recognition you deserve. However, you will come to a point you don't need that from him. At least I did. I came to realize my XAH believes this himself, and if he stops believing that, it would make it difficult to live with himself, and he sure does not want that.

I learned to expect NOTHING from my XAH, and that' s what I normally get. I have found to find validation in myself for my feelings.

Big hugs because I realize it's a painful journey.

AnvilheadII

The sticking point is my SO is not realizing the pain and suffering I have experienced over the years, the need for me to be alone and the deep conviction that I will be a better person without him. I’m still being called out as not being honest or full of youknowwhat

and he may never accept that he did cause you any real pain. or he may never ADMIT it.

that is neither here nor there. what he thinks and understands is NOT your problem. leave him to him. he's in the best place possible to deal with this, he HAS the help he needs.

worry about you. just you.

Zukunft

A huge thank you to everyone. Yes. You have helped me get over this hump today. I realize now, finally, he may never be able to understand the pain I suffered because he has little memory of it. Simple as that. I’m no longer surprised at myself that I didn’t think of this rational idea sooner. There has been so many of these AHA! moments recently.

It really is his job to work on himself and mine to work on me. From now on. My strength is mustered up for a meeting tomorrow to organize and manage the new alternative living arrangements. Your comments give me an extra boost. I’m definitely finally feeling very “ right place at the right time” Thank you again and I’ll keep you posted.

NYCDoglvr

Whether he "gets it" or not is irrelevant. You have a right to chart your own course and don't owe anyone an explanation. Active alcoholics typically blame everyone but themselves for their problems so don't expect him to ever comprehend your thinking.

Sleepyhollo

Even though my Soon to be ex RAH has been clean for almost 2 years and is doing well from a sobriety/recovery point I really don’t think he gets how much the years affected me and our relationship (and how there appears to be a lot that he doesn’t remember). I was ready to walk out 2 years ago when I gave him an ultimatum. Surprisingly he was actually ready to do something this time (I had never given him an aulitmatum before but had confronted him several times before and he would quit for a while’. I stayed because I felt like I should give him one more chance, our kid and our family. Recovery and rehab were hard on us and it made things worse. I was super codependent which didn’t help either. I had a very hard time with the fact that it is ok to not love him anymore and to be honest with my feelings. It has been very hard and it has taken lots of counseling but I’m better with it more and more. I hadn’t been honest with my feelings for a long time. He isn’t a bad man, never laid a hand on me and has a good job and to the outside world we had a really good life. I just didn’t realize that the years of his drinking and failed attempts at sobriety (and it was all a big secret) and emotional neglect/abuse (never saw this for what it was until I started counseling, denial and ignorance are powerful) had taken the toll on me that it had. Because i felt like I should be grateful that he got sober (I am mostly so my kid has a father ) and just be able to move on. But it is so much more complicated than that and people don’t get that unless they’ve been there. Like I said I don’t think my RAH really understands.
It was very hard for me to finally be honestly about my feelings (or lack thereof..) because I’ve always worried about everyone else’s feeling and pushed my own away. I wasn’t getting beaten up after all and so many people have it so much worse than I. But in the end that doesn’t matter. I’m entitled to have my feelings and that has been very hard, to accept that it’s ok to be honest with myself even if that means others get hurt in the process. I still struggle with it but much less so. After all, if I’m not honest with myself than I’m the one that continues to get hurt.

Zukunft

Thank you for sharing Your thoughts with me. They are deeply resonating. All the best to you, brave and honest human.

Zukunft

Hello my friends, the meeting went as well as to be expected. There was a sense that I was being “ganged up on” by my SO and the therapist. Obviously to them the best option for recovery is to return to me and resume life only sober. I stood firm though and my decision remained intact. We found another option and we’re all able to move in this new direction. No easy street but I know it’s the right street. For both of us. Thanks for all your support. I felt you were there in spirit rallying for me!

Mango212

Congratulations! Woot, woot!


I gave my alcoholic husband chance after chance after chance. After rehabs. After periods of sobriety. After all things done, I trust it was my path for a reason and I have no regrets. I am now in No Contact.


I recall being in the therapists office at the first rehab and feeling very much like you, that it was not in my best interest for everything to return to a normal atmosphere. In ignoring that gut instinct and looking back on this, it validates trusting my gut instincts!!

Eauchiche

Sorry to sound blunt here, but would you keep seeing a person who started this behavior the first date? You'd probably run like hell, and rightfully so!
As for where it "comes from," so what? Sounds like you are making excuses for him.
We all go through struggles in life. This does not give us the right to inflict damage on someone else.

Zukunft

Eauchiche, no at at all too blunt though. I feel I need to be reminded of these very important points so thank you! He is pulling out all the charm stops to try and convince me to change my mind but I have made a decision that I can live with and better than live with.

Zukunft

Wow Mango, thanks for sharing. I’m definitely not alone and I am grateful for your support. All the best for your future!

Seren

Hello zukunft,

I'm glad you stood your ground with your husband and therapist! Sounds like it was the right decision for you, and that's great news even though this will be a hard path. Hang in there!!