JADIII

I got to 10 days and then just gave in. Not even sure that's the wording I would use but for me, here's my issue.

I go along and feel good. Running, works great, wife's happy and then for some reason I just drink. Now after a 3 day drinking fest, I sit here totally ashamed of myself and just want to die.

I understand the AV thing but how do you just say, I'm not going to drink no matter what? For me, it's almost like once I get the fact that I'm going to drink, there's nothing going to hold me back. In fact, when I'm going to the liquor store I almost feel sick that I'm going to buy booze but I still go anyway.

I realize that I don't/can't drink like a normal person but I really try to, it's just working for me.

Thanks for listening

SWB

This was me a little less than two weeks ago, now I’m on my 10th day.You can do this.

Nonsensical

I used to do that, too. My some reason is that I was addicted to alcohol.

The problem isn't very exciting, but the solution to it can be. What are you thinking about doing to resolve your some reason?

Dee74

I used the community here. Every time I felt that urge to drunk I posted here
instead.

I didn't much like it, but every time I did that, saying no the next time got easier.

There no magic involved , no great dramatic flash of light where everything changed.

You absiolutely hve the poer to say no - even to yourself. You may not believe that at the moment, but just because you never have doesn't mean its not in you to do so

It was darned hard work saying no to the desire - maybe the hardest I've ever worked - but it saved my life.

D

thomas11

Its a pretty common cycle in which people go on a bender and feel like crap, sober up get back into a healthy routine for 5-10 days and feel fantastic. So good they think that drinking this time will be different. And its never different, instead it just gets progressively worse. I found it hard to break the cycle but I did. It took 3-4 months for the obsessive thoughts to lessen.

biminiblue

When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, right?

I mean, if liquor is the answer, then any old problem or thought of it will suffice.

If drinking isn't the answer, then I find other things to fill my time and to give me satisfaction.

lessgravity

Your first post was almost seven years ago. Perhaps it's time for a real change?

JADIII

You're right. On Day 2 now and had a decent night sleep with the help of non alcohol Z Quil. What a sad day yesterday was when I can't wait to get the kids to bed and go to bed. Also pretty sad my kids had to suffer by going to bed at 7 because Dad's such an f up.

ChloeRose63

Time to take a good look in the mirror.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
The "zombie walk" to the liquor store is very familiar to many of us. It is like something takes possession of us and all it wants is booze! That is our addictive voice needing to be heard and satisfied at all costs. We have lost control and lost the fight. We are back to the disgusting drunken life that not only hurts us but, really hurts the ones you love. But, alcohol doesn't care. It will take it all away. If you don't learn to fight...you lose, your family loses, and everything you ever wanted is gone.
Stay with us. Together we are strong. Post often.

lessgravity

I'm a father who f'ed up along the same lines as you are. But you have the power to live a better life. And children are incredibly forgiving.

But you don't have forever. And tomorrow never comes.

D122y

Jad,

I am as clean as I have ever been since I was 5 years old. I know...sad story.

I still crave daily. I associate drinking with life. Good, bad...everything.

I am an addict for the rest of my life. It will never go away. There is brain damage that makes me want to feel that mental distraction.

When I was between 1 day and 180 days clean...or so....the crave was so powerful. I needed the booze to settle down.

It was like the world was moving too fast. The world was just bugging me.

That is brain damage. I believe there are dead spots in my addict brain from all the boozing. Have you ever seen a picture of the brain of an alcoholic. It looks significantly different than a normal brain.

Brain damage.

The brain has to rewire around the dead spots. Relapsing causes further damage. Each relapse causes more and more damage.

I didn't make this stuff up. I learned it here and on the internet.

I am not going out like that.

Each day I suffer through the craves, not as bad as early on, and each morning I wake up feeling as good as I can feel.

I remember what it felt like being hungover. It was horrible. The only way I would have ever suffered like that each morning for so many years is because of physical and mental addiction.

Hope this helps you.

This site helps me remember why I don't drink anymore.

Thanks.

Lipstuck

JADIII, I had to start leaving my credit cards at home, at least temporarily. Not to say the cravings never hit (or that it's a permanent solution) but at least every work day doesn't end with a stop at the liquor store. Obviously this won't be sustainable forever, but it buys me time to clear my head and to break the cycle of drinking at night, and allows me to approach permanent solutions with a clearer, detoxed head. Maybe block your ability to buy for a while? Just to give yourself a break from the hangovers and disappointment?

JADIII

Thanks all, was doing pretty well and it seems like the smallest thing can be a trigger to grab a drink. Going to reset my clock on this app I have and move forward on day 1 again as I feel stupid and embarrassed.

A few quick questions or thoughts.

Thought- I have a lot going on in my life (job, marriage, kids, etc.) It just seems like always thinking about not drinking starts to get taxing on my and then I finally cave. It really like wearing a chain around my neck with a huge weight on it. Of course I never think about not eating a grapefruit today because I don't like the way they taste. Why can't I do the same with booze as it doesn't taste that great?

Also, many of you post here each day or at least check in. How/why does that help you? Is it something that makes you open your eyes to things or is it something that makes the AV go away?

Thanks, tired of this treadmill and yes, I need to have a plan. This I know.

decchemist

So have I and many, many other people in the world. That's not a reason to drink for most people.

You need to work a plan of action to make sure you don't cave. You MUST want to NOT drink. There is no room for half measures.

Because you are not drinking it for the taste, you are drinking it to get drunk.

It keeps me aware of the reason I came here in the first place. And now, with some time under my belt, I can encourage people like you to change your life around and be sober and happy.

Berrybean

Jad, what have you tried so far with regards to sobriety plans. Have you investigated AA or SMART in your area for example?

As far as reading and posting here, why not just DO it? Do you really need an explanation of how and why it helps? It just does. Your way isn't working. Find some folk who have found a way that does work and just do what they do. Sometimes this recivery malarky is counterintuitive, esp to a mind that still has the obsession to drink messing with its thinking. You don't need to let your alcoholic thinking talk you out of doing what you need to do.

You say it's time to make a plan. That's great, and you could just do that right now? This thread is a good one to get you started... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

BUT any plan is only as good as the actions we are willing to take. A plan without action isn't worth a light. Whatever you put in your plan will need willingness and commitment on your part to carry it out.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB

Dee74

By the end of my drinking almost anything was a trigger for a drink.

I think you have to be prepared to sit out the discomfort, or find other ways to deal with it.

I posted here daily and multiple times a day because it helped me with those rationalisations that I wasn't that bad and that one wouldn't hurt me.

I needed the reinforcemnt I found here that I really did have a serious potentially life threatening problem.

It also helped that I did want to let any of my supporters down by drinking again

and ..it was a commitment to action.

I figured if I couldn't commit to logging on to a website every day and spending some time there writing my posts and responding to other then, it was doubtful I'd find the greater commitment needed to quit and stay quit.

D

FreeOwl

Yup.

Yup.

AAANNDD.... YUP.

And this is what happened for me.... for years and years. It finally got bad enough that I truly WANTED to live in sobriety and build a sober life. I wasn't just "not drinking" - I was building a picture of a sober life, a better life, an engaged and meaningful life that I could look to and see as valuable....

I can't even count the number of times I've been right where you are now. Struggling with the frustration and the anguish of it. Feeling like I was "READY" to "QUIT"..... logging a few days or a few weeks.... then DECIDING to drink again.

Make no mistake - while addiction isn't a choice - that first drink.... that DECISION to drink again once we have some sober time.... THAT IS A CHOICE.

For me, the only way to keep that choice a SOBER choice was to work at it daily. To get up each day and CHOOSE a sober day. CHOOSE that no matter what, that day, I would be SOBER.

Then I'd ACT in support of that choice. I'd go to a meeting. I'd post on SR. I'd read my Big Book. I'd go to therapy. I'd go to the gym. I'd have a day of ACTION planned - sober action - so that empty down time didn't tempt me to the liquor store. It was hard, daily, dedicated work and it was CHOOSING over and over again....

It got easier, but the first year was hard.

The second year still took action but the actions got easier.

By the third year I'd unpacked a lot of deep self-work and sobriety was an easy choice even as living life had its challenges.....

Now into year 5, the CHOOSING still happens. Sometimes there's a random thought about alcohol or drinking and I smile at myself and say "that's not MY choice..... MY choice is sobriety".

And I still act. I come here. I occasionally go to meetings. I write about sobriety. I share my sobriety. I respond to thoughts of drinking by acting in sobriety. I give thanks for my sobriety.....

It's a choice we make every day. And every day in a world filled with booze and drugs and challenges - we will be called upon again and again with which choice we will make.

Arm yourself to make the sober choice.... then ACT in support of it. One day at a time.

It will get easier, better and awesome.

Nonsensical

Have you ever seen a child throwing a tantrum in a store because s/he wanted something? The child knows the parents will eventually cave, that's why s/he does it.

Sometimes the parent says, "OK, but this is the last time."

That parent is delusional if they think it's going to be the last time. The tantrum worked, there will be more.

That parent is going to have to practice telling that child "no" and "no" and "no" many, many times before the tantrums stop.

I have an alcoholic living in my head. It has no power, so it has tantrums to get what it wants. For years I would say, "OK, but this is the last time!" That was delusional.

Retraining that sumbeach was hard.
That's OK, we can do hard things.

Get after it. You can do this.

lessgravity

Sorry to hear you gave in again.

Only you have the strength and ability to get off the treadmill. No one is coming to save you.

Have you ever gone back and read your old posts? I found that, as painful as that was for me, rereading my old posts spurned me to finally take action and stop repeating myself.

It's not easy, but it's worth it.

Awake61

Nonsensical, you wrote exactly what I was thinking reading this thread. Thank you.
My little child is screaming today, but I've put her in the corner.