Glenjo99

I met a guy couple of years ago, and from first time I met him (on a gay app) he has said he isn't gay. The first night I met him he was taking cocaine, and said he just likes having "fun" when high on cocaine. When he's sober walls go up and he would talk about girls. He used to play football to a good level so was in a very straight background aswell. Once we slept together when he was drunk but no drugs and he would flirt a lot sometimes when sober. Here's my question, every time we have had fun together he was on cocaine apart from once. Every time when he was high, he would open up emotionally and say he would like to be with me but had too many things holding him back. Any girls that were on the scene with him never lasted more than couple weeks. So recently he has gotten out of rehab and has distanced himself from me. I asked him in our last conversation if the sexual side of things was drug related or if he was gay or bi. He said no totally drug related. I was crushed. So my question is, is he lying, can people just do stuff like that when taking cocaine or is he not able to handle the truth of his sexuality? Would love to hear from anyone with experiences of this. My gut instinct us that you can't just say it was drugs there was more to it than that.

trailmix

I have zero experience with people denying their sexuality, so I won't be a lot of help there.

What I do know is that he has told you where he is at. Whether that is because he is in denial, whether it is because he doesn't want to admit it to you, to himself to anyone else - that's his decision.

I can see why you would want to know, you were involved with him and obviously are now hurt, I am sorry you are in pain over this. As for the question - He is who he is and this is who he is right now. Whether he is in denial or he was just experimenting, whether it was the drugs, who knows. You may be 100 percent right but that does not change what he has said to you. He has made that choice and it has to be respected really.

Are you still in contact with him?

Glenjo99

Absolutely and we are no longer in contact. I understand what you are saying and it is what it is. I now want to hear from people who have had similar experiences either with someone else or maybe they themselves were/are in this place. Its for me to help me understand, not about getting us back together. I'm moving on, this understanding however will help me to avoid it next time and give me some new knowledge.

trailmix

I know it's not me you want to hear from but I just wanted to say one more thing. Take what you like and leave the rest, of course, as they say.

As you know, I've read and replied to your other posts. You are a thinking person, I can tell that but I know you are hung up on the intent part of the relationship you had with him.

Quote:

this understanding however will help me to avoid it next time and give me some new knowledge

Really? Let's say someone comes in to this thread that has had that experience (from either side). Says yes, I was a cocaine addict and would sleep with anyone who wanted to be slept with! Or no, I am a heterosexual, that didn't change just because I used <insert drug of choice>.

Either way it can't answer your question. Do people who use drugs do things they would not do while sober? I think that is an absolute fact in some cases, no question. Does that mean your friend did? Maybe.

Regardless, your feelings WERE real. You were in this for real reasons, that's why it hurts.

More will be revealed. In the meantime, it's only you that you can help, take care of yourself and good luck!

Glenjo99

Thanks I appreciate your replies, and your right it's time for me now. I am a thinking person, too much mostly, and just trying get clarity over his intent I suppose.

Hechosedrugs

I think that was the hardest part for most of us- we wanted answers. Why did they DO that? What were they thinking? Did they ever even care?

The questions can make eat us up inside. We need to accept that we will likely never have the answers we are seeking. The irony is once we find that acceptance, we find clarity, which, it turns out, was what we were truly seeking all along. What good is it to have the answers if we still don't understand? It's like having all of the answers in the back of a math book- they don't tell you how to solve the problem.

Glenjo99

Very insightful, I think having the answers help with the understanding which is where we differ. I work with people who sometimes have affairs and in understanding how it may have happened this can lead to them healing. I think same might be said here for me anyway. You say in finding acceptance we gain clarity, love to know how this works.

AnvilheadII

My gut instinct us that you can't just say it was drugs there was more to it than that.

but here's the thing....you DID ask him, and he gave you HIS answer. which you are still arguing against, altho he is not around anymore.

people on coke do some really strange things. REALLY.STRANGE. things that they would never consider without the coke. that is not the same as saying things that they would NEVER do.

so he'd get high and surf gay sites and hook up. get his freak on. cuz it felt good and coke is all about hitting the pleasure centers. then probably go back to "normal" land and could probably convince himself it never really happened. then he went too far with the drugs and had to stop.

people in early recovery, esp with coke or other stimulants, can really have a problem when it comes to sex of any kind, because sex can act like a trigger, and suddenly they are fiending again. it's probable he associates you and your encounters with coke and/or booze, and it's safer for him to shut it down and cut you off.

or maybe he's just a jackass.

regardless, it's over and he's gone.

Glenjo99

it's probable he associates you and your encounters with coke and/or booze, and it's safer for him to shut it down and cut you off.

or maybe he's just a jackass.

Yes there's truth in the above. I hate when things end.