Leaving boyfriend of 7 years??
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Leaving boyfriend of 7 years??
Hi! I have been with my bf for 7 years. I'm 35, hes 40. We started off both partying and drinking a lot, but I have slowed down as time has gone on. He is the nicest man I have ever known, but every problem we ever have is about how drunk he gets. He doesn't drink daily but feels its normal to have 5 or 6 shots after work every other day. He is in denial about how drunk he gets. He got his first DUI a month ago but says it's my fault because we were arguing and he drove to get away from me. He convinces me I'm just irrational. I told him tonight it's me or he has to slow down. He says he wont. If he loved me it should be easy to pick a person over getting plastered. Because he works so much later than me (he is a bartender) he thinks it shouldn't affect me if hes wasted because I'm usually already in bed. He says it's just the culture of his job. I feel glad we are not married but I feel so depressed thinking about starting over. Am I overreacting? Hes not violent, hes just a different person when wasted. Is this worth leaving him?? What if I never find someone again?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi Enie83 and welcome to SR. First off, please know:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
It is certainly not your fault that he drinks nor that he got a DUI. He is a grown man and makes his own choices.
On the surface this seems obvious but as you read around this site you will see that alcoholism is a drive to drink that a non-alcoholic can find hard to understand.
That is not to say that you have to like it or accept it.
We have a Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum here, you might want to read the threads there (and of course join in and post if you would like to!):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Also at the top of that forum are the "stickies" - a wealth of information there, you might find starting here helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Knowledge is power as they say around here!
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
It is certainly not your fault that he drinks nor that he got a DUI. He is a grown man and makes his own choices.
If he loved me it should be easy to pick a person over getting plastered.
That is not to say that you have to like it or accept it.
We have a Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum here, you might want to read the threads there (and of course join in and post if you would like to!):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Also at the top of that forum are the "stickies" - a wealth of information there, you might find starting here helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Knowledge is power as they say around here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,907
You got a lot of good advice from Trailmix already. I really don’t have anything to add. Just wanted to say good luck to you and I would probably just assume you cannot change his behavior and make your decision with that assumption in mind. No ultimatum will change someone in the throes of addiction until they are ready to change. Hope you can find the support you need here to make the decision that is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
He told you he isn't going to change.
He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.
I have learned the hard way to take people for who and what they are. If I can't live with that, my choice is to go.
Obviously we can't predict the future, no one can. You may find that living alone for a while is a very good thing. I love it.
He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.
I have learned the hard way to take people for who and what they are. If I can't live with that, my choice is to go.
Obviously we can't predict the future, no one can. You may find that living alone for a while is a very good thing. I love it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
It sounds like your boyfriend is not willing to acknowledge his alcoholism so that nothing will change. I'm glad you are deciding to take care of yourself and move on. Focus on taking care of you and the right person will come along at the right time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
This post could have been written about me. I was the 5-6 shot girl every other night after my husband had gone to bed. And I gave all the same excuses about why he shouldn’t care.
An ultimatum worked for me - it was part of the “pain of continuing drinking being greater than the pain of being sober” thing that everyone here talks about. He didn’t threaten to leave me, but he was always my best friend, so having him withhold that closeness as a result of my actions was utterly devastating to me. It hurt enough to make me want to quit. But we had also been married for 10 years and we share five children.
At the end of the day, you have to do what’s right for you. Whatever that is. And if you cannot abide by his drinking any longer, I’d tell him, but be prepared to follow through. And I’d be prepared for whatever his response may be. Good luck and hugs.
An ultimatum worked for me - it was part of the “pain of continuing drinking being greater than the pain of being sober” thing that everyone here talks about. He didn’t threaten to leave me, but he was always my best friend, so having him withhold that closeness as a result of my actions was utterly devastating to me. It hurt enough to make me want to quit. But we had also been married for 10 years and we share five children.
At the end of the day, you have to do what’s right for you. Whatever that is. And if you cannot abide by his drinking any longer, I’d tell him, but be prepared to follow through. And I’d be prepared for whatever his response may be. Good luck and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
What if I never find someone again?
You mean what would happen if your were single and happy and living the kind of life you wanted as opposed to having someone who cares more about drinking than your feelings as your mate? Seriously?
There are worse things than being single. Choosing a potential drunk as a husband and/or the father of your children for one.
You mean what would happen if your were single and happy and living the kind of life you wanted as opposed to having someone who cares more about drinking than your feelings as your mate? Seriously?
There are worse things than being single. Choosing a potential drunk as a husband and/or the father of your children for one.
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