brijames

It's been 4 months since she left a week long stay at a treatment facility and things were looking positive. She came home clean and very focused on never going down that rabbit hole again.

However in the last 3 weeks or so things have started going off the rails. I noticed her personality starting to change. The lying starting to return, money dissapearing, all the signs of her back using.

Now this weekend she supposedly was invited by a couple women she works with to go to a cottage up north. Well of course it turns out she is not there. She is back with the guy who she uses with. He supplies her free drugs and he was the one got her hooked originally.

She doesnt know that i know and has been texting me off and on since she left Friday evening acting as if she is indeed up north with the girls. She even went as far as to create an anonymous texting account and as been texting me pretending to be one of the girls she is supposedly with. Of course i asked her to take some pics of the cottage there in but of course somehow there not coming through.

I know where this guy lives and i know she is there. I so badly wanted to confront them there but this guy has tried to get me arrested and out of the picture in the past so i have to stay cool.

She is an incredible manipulator and liar when she is using. I just can't go through this all again. If i confront her when she gets home later she will blow up and it will be ugly. She turns in to someone i dont even know when she is using. Angry, vindictive and defensive. She has threatened to call the cops and tell them i hit her. She gets awful when she uses.

On top of her using with this guy i know she is sleeping with him as well. She told me no in the past, said he wasnt able to perform due to all his drug use but i know that is yet another lie.

I had such high hopes 4 months ago when she came home. She promised that was her bottom and she would never go back. She said she would never contact this guy again. Now i feel totally used hopeless and scared.

I honestly dont know what to do.

AnvilheadII

it sounds like she has violated everything that a marriage is......there aren't a lot of lines left to cross.....lying, creating a complete false cover story so she could go hole up with her drug supplier AND sleep with him, etc etc. that's a choice she made and planned while sober. she's put a LOT more effort into using again than she did staying clean.

accepting the facts as they are is painful, but it is much more painful to keep hoping things will magically get better, and getting hurt and disappointed over and over again.

maybe you don't let her come home? maybe you consider retiring the "marriage"? at the very least you should protect yourself (no intercourse with her) and your finances (stop the bleeding).

biminiblue

When I was in a marriage with a lying addict who would randomly disappear for days I was at my wit's end trying to figure it out.

One day I walked into a hospital because I was convinced I was losing my mind.

A social worker came to talk to me. Her suggestion was: Eat good meals, stay away from alcohol and caffeine. Get some exercise.

And she gave me a referral to a therapist who asked me THE question: "Why don't you cut your losses?"

Seemed to be the answer, so I did. Divorce and a new life happened. Much better. Now I am happy again.

Sissyfuss

So sorry to hear of your difficult circumstances, Brijames. But if she is using then how can you have a relationship with her? She and her mind are someone completely different from who she used to be. It doesn't sound like you are willing to accept her present lifestyle and why should you. The question is was her relapse part of the process recovery or is she showing you that she's not ready to change and deal with her addiction. It is so hard to give up on someone you love because you're never quite sure of her abilities. But better that than giving up on yourself. May courage and serenity be by your side.

brijames

There lies the problem. I do love her and when clean and sober she is a beautiful person. But when she is this person who i now havent heard from for over 12 hours and I don't know if she is just passed out or is she dead well it's just plain hell.

Yet another night of no sleep. I'm so tempted to just go to his house i know she is in there. But there would be a huge confrontation and i would end up in jail.

I'm ready for this to be done. She is supposed to go to work in the morning i expect she will miss yet another day.

If she does contact me she has one option, enter a rehab facility today. Thats the only way i will continue to care and fight for her.

tomsteve

im glad to read ya ready for change. it may be wise to have a plan of what will happen if she says no to rehab. what are you going to do if the answer is no to rehab? what are the boundaries?

hopeful4

Lets take out all the crap. Your wife is sleeping with someone else? That in and of itself should be a deal breaker. She is showing you who she is, believe it.

I say this kindly because I know it's painful.

Troubledone

I don't know if this will help, but my niece whose addiction I've dealt with for 14 years relapsed again about 3 years ago. She came to live with me to "get her life together" about 15 months ago. (for more details, read the thread Mea Culpa)

What I got for my trouble is 15 months of insanity. She's been through treatment 3 times, but didn't choose it - it was because it was court ordered (she has some felonies). Because she didn't choose it for herself from a spirit of humility and surrender, she just got really good at the lingo and it made her even that much more manipulative.

Without the surrender that leads to a commitment to recovery, even the times they don't use are just part of the smoke and mirrors - biding time or bargaining until they can make their next move.

When she finally left our house recently in a huff - I found an interesting book on Amazon called "Smoke and Mirrors" by Dorothy Marie England. I highly recommend it. I think if I had had it when my niece moved in I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

It will give you a window into the mind of a substance abuser so you can see exactly how they can do things like cheat on a person and then make it seem like the fault of the one who has been cheated on. It helps spot the motives behind the charming or seemingly loving behavior that turns into something dark.

My niece can be unbelievably charming, humble and gracious when she wants to, but because her motives are in service to her substance abuse, it's just a matter of time before the other shoe drops.

Praying you get the clarity you need to know the path to freedom.

brijames

Update.

So after her not coming home Sunday night from the supposed trip up north with the girls i get a text Monday morning saying she stayed over with one of the girls and she just rode to work with her. She asked me to pick her up from work at 330.

So then shortly before 3:30 she texts me saying she cant stop crying and Sheila the girl she stayed with the night before told her just stay with me again tonight. I said i need sheila to call me. Of course she doesnt call i get a text from the same anonymous number saying this is sheila she is really having a rough day she should come home with me tonight and i can help her.

At this point i have had enough. But i am going to just play along. I ask her for her address and i continue texting my wife through the afternoon. Im basically just playing stupid now so i can confront her tommorrow with everything i know.

I'm somewhat nervous she has a plan to get me arrested or thrown out of our apartment. I flat out asked her today if she wanted to be with me and wanted to be with someone else. I told her i will be hurt but not upset and we can break up up civilly. She right away says your leaving me? Dont leave me i love you. Im just going through a bad time.

Im going to show her all the evidence i have of her lying. Im telling her we can break up in a civil way or get ugly. If she breaks down and admits what she is doing and agrees to go to rehab tommorrow i will support her through her stay there. If she denies it and just gets angry we are done.

Mags1

Brijames. It seems her manipulative ness will go on as long as you let it.
I understand you love her, and she isn’t the same person when doing drugs but for your own sanity, protect yourself.

It seems your goal posts move constantly to accommodate her lies and actions.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this but please understand, you need to look after you, first and foremost.

brijames

Update.

So she returned home and i confronted her with all the evidence i had of her lying and not being where she said she was. She came clean when she saw my evidence and basically said she needed the 5 days to just get away and all she did was smoke pot with her girlfriend from work.
She admitted the GF from work was in on lying to me where they were.

So i told her last Tuesday when she came home that she had to enter rehab or our marriage would be over. I told her that her addiction and lying was slowly killing me and killing us. I said that I needed to start taking care of myself and my health and well being. She needed to enter rehab and do the same.

She said she would she told me she had called different places and couldnt get in until today. Of course I didnt believe her and yesterday I could see she was really strung out and agitated. I fell asleep in the afternoon for a bit and when i awoke she had packed some stuff again and left.

She texted me about a half hour later saying she was sorry and had to get away. She said all the usual lies about why she had to leave,
She said she would come home today after work.
I didnt respond to her texts or calls for like 5 hours.
I finally did and told her it was over. I would be getting the paperwork and filing for divorce in the morning. I didnt want her to stay in our apartment any longer.
She could come and get what she needed for now.

She went crazy. Texted me over 60 times because i wasnt responding. Begging me to not leave her. She then finally admitted everything. She has been using herion. Smoking it in her joints. She cant beat it. She didnt want to leave but she cant stop herself.

She is begging me to help her. I told her her she has to call and get in a detox followed by an inpatient rehab stay today. I told her i would take her tonight or first thing in the morning but no later.
This is her last chance. I will only stick around if i see her getting the help she needs. She has to do a detox and residential inpatient stay. Anything less and she is on her own. I cant try to help her anymore.

Did i do the right thing or should i just end it now? I love her very much but this is killing me. Her words mean nothing anymore. Only her actions. I told her that.

doggonecarl

Well, those are pretty stringent parameters. And since you've given her until tomorrow morning, I'll guess you'll know. Can you stick to your word? Not about helping her, but leaving if she doesn't seek help?

I can't say if you've done the right thing, or not. It's not wrong to take care of your own health and sanity. And if that means getting away from the addict in our life, that's what you do. And I get wanting to help her. I'm married and I wonder how much of myself I'd invest in my wife's recovery if she needed it.

Too much, probably.

AnvilheadII

IF you can "help" get her into detox and then rehab, that is not a bad thing, as long as you are not putting yourself in severe financial risk.
IF she goes, then you have time to figure out what YOU want to do.
rehab is not a cure. there are no guarantees. it is only a place for one to start recovery, with some tools.
i suspect you still aren't getting the whole story.....it's changed too much, too many times.
does she have a problem? most certainly.
do you need to "suffer" due to her problem? no.

brijames

Thats very true. It's sometimes easy just to say leave her she is killing you with her addiction she will never change and so on. But when that person is your wife who you made a vow to stick by in sickness and in health its very tough to know when it is that time to finally walk away.

hopeful4

Only you can decide if you want to stick by her. She has cheated on you, that has nothing to do with drugs. Rehab does not just "fix" someone. They have to want it so badly they will work for it for the rest of their lives. It's a huge commitment.

Think it over and do what is right for YOU. None of us on this forum can or should tell you what to do. We will support you no matter what.

atalose

You have been down this road once already, maybe more, you’ve only shared about her week long stay at a detox. You had high expectation then that were crushed, what makes this time any different than the time(s) before?

HardLessons

Its unclear what she was using or what exactly she was addicted to which caused her to enter a one week treatment facility. Its also unclear how long she has been an addict.

She recently admitted to smoking heroine. Mixing in heroine with pot. You also said "She cant beat it. She didnt want to leave but she cant stop herself. "

Im not sure how much you know about heroine addiction. Maybe she used it before & you are aware of the consequences.

If heroine use by her is a new revelation, I would spend time reading up on it. Heroine addiction is extremely progressive & off the charts damaging. Its a deep rabbit hole with lots of twists & turn.

Please proceed with caution. I wish you the very best of luck.

brijames

She has been using heroin for two months. And i appreciate your comments and realize it will be a very tough addiction to beat. I don't believe any of her words only her actions.

Lonewolf22

You really have my sympathy Brijames, I've no idea how I'd react in that situation. It is a nightmare of a situation to deal with. I respect how patient you have tried to be for her. You are right, I think it is natural to give someone you love the chance to change. It reminds of the film 'Candy' that is based on two heroin addicts in love. It is such a complex Web of emotions involved. Love and betrayal, rebuilding and shattering of trust. Hurt and hope and hopelessness.

I don't even know how difficult it is dealing with heroin so I couldn't give anything advice. From what I've seen though people tend to get pretty damn desperate to get their next hit. I suppose it is only for you to decide how much you can take.

I just hope you both find peace from this tragic situation.

brijames

So she called a local detox center and got preauthorization to be admitted tomorrow. She sent me the voicemail from the center giving her instructions on what to bring and the rules to prove she did it.

I said I would take her tomorrow at 2:30. I told her she needed to come home after work and I would take her tomorrow. I told her don't go use again tonight.
She didnt come home. She texted me said she wasnt ready to start detoxing tonight. She would be home tomorrow and i can take her.

I can't do this anymore. I don't even know where she really is. She picked getting high a supposed last time instead of coming home to me. She always picks the drugs over me.
She always will wont she?
Im going to text her that she has not picked me for the last time. I hope you go tomorrow but your on your own. I need to take care of myself now.
This hurts so bad!