QuietlyTired

Just venting I guess. It’s not fair that there are good days with an alcoholic. It gives you hope, it makes you hold on. Because the past two days were wonderful, the alcoholic in your life was mostly sober and really fun to be around, you had a great couple days with them. But then it’s back to nothing. If it was awful all the time it would be so much easier to say screw his ****, I’m out.

Lunchbox1

Because he can be a good dad. When he isn't drunk or ranting.

QuietlyTired

We don’t have kids, becuase it’s unlikely I ever can, but I feel for those who have kids with an alcoholic spouse... I can imagine constantly worrying about them passing out with an infant at home and it’s not pretty.

FeelingGreat

It's constitutes a type of psychological torture (not deliberate). It bad behaviour is relentless you set up your defensive mechanisms and develop strategies for coping. If life is occasionally good, especially if that's what we're hoping for, we second guess ourselves, drop the defensiveness, leaving ourselves much more vulnerable.
I suppose that's why we have the ability to think, remember and learn. Unless your qualifier has undertaken real recovery you know the good times are temporary.

honeypig

This seems like a time to bring in--THE INTERMITTENT CHICKEN!!!!

Always a good read: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)

Seren

Yep, we tend to expand the good days in our minds and minimize the bad ones--even when we are with someone who is not an alcoholic. *sigh* Bother!

I get it.

PuzzledHeart

Honeypig, I IMMEDIATELY thought of the chicken when I read QT's post.

I've been thinking about doing an emotional chart of my month with some graph paper. Each day would represent a square. Black for depressed, red for angry, yellow for happy (I'm limiting the colors the three for now). Because I want to know, what's my general disposition? When I get depressed, what's triggering it?

My general disposition could be ascertained by taking a look a the entire graph, not just a square or two. It's hard to know where you are if you're concentrating on one tiny point of data.

I also wonder if you're "bending the map" as they say in certain circles.

The Franco-American Flophouse has moved: Deep Survival Chapter IX - Bending the map

AnvilheadII

keywords - MOSTLY sober. as in still drinking, just not sh!t-faced stupid drunk.

in the grand scheme, that's not really a GOOD day......that's just a day that isn't ALL bad.

dandylion

Yep....intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful kind of reinforcement.

I have, also, heard it explained that the "good times" are what make the Cycle of Abuse so powerful for an abuse victim. Without the good times, once in a while, the cycle wouldn't have such a hold on a person.
The "good time", after the bad time, gives a flood of dopamine in the brain...similar to the way a drink or a drug does.....
Looking forward to the "good time" is what keep the person hanging on...just like the alcohol looks forward to the drink to make "everything feel o.k."....for a while.....until the tension builds and the abuse is done, once again.....
Not unlike the intermittent chicken......

dandylion

Anvil makes a good point.....the "good" becomes relative.....

When a person hasn't eaten for two or three days...a moldy sandwich tastes like a tender steak.....

Maudcat

I dont have experience with the addict spouse, as the addict in my life is my sib, but I think it’s the good times In any relationship, not limited to an alcoholic one, that keep us holding on.
I used to work with someone who used to say that she was addicted to potential, and that this belief had led her to some rocky relationship shoals.
We so want the person we love to be their best self and bring that to the relationship.
Alas, not always the way it’s going to go.

NYCDoglvr

The codependent, like the alcoholic, gives in to denial and rationalization so nothing changes.

Ladysadie

Don't know how long you've been in this relationship QT but depending on the history you share with your qualifier, your relationship is like a tally sheet of pluses and minuses. Inventory his attributes, contributions, qualities against his negatives. Remind yourself of his "misdemeanors" and "felonies" (if any) and you should get a clearer picture of what you are willing to live with or not.

amy55

I left my ex 12/31/2008. I kept journals, and also a calendar to mark down the good days. Out of 365 days, I counted 35 good days. But, you know what I realized later on? Those 35 good days, I spent walking around on eggshells so that he wouldn't start on me. So really, how many good days did I have where I felt safe, and that I could be myself?

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

amy55

I'm sorry that I had to add on to my previous post. I didn't address the "hope". I remember this one time that I wrote in my journal that I was at the bottom of the abyss. I didn't think that I could sink any lower. It was then that I gave up "hope".

I thought that was really strange to give up "hope". I thought that I would sink deeper into the abyss. Thing is, I was still there, in the abyss, but without the anchor of "hope" attached to my leg, I started to come out of my depression. My "hope" all centered on hoping my ex would treat me as a person. It took a long time for me to develop my own hopes and dreams, but I did.

I don't know if you can relate to this. My life was just all about my ex accepting me as a person, he didn't. He always found things wrong with me. When I say that I was in the abyss, I mean that I was suicidal, anything to get away from the pain that I was feeling. Giving up the "hope" that the person that was hurting me the worst, would someday treat be better, and finally depending on myself to get out was the best thing that happened.

Ain't going down, no more to the well, sometimes I feel I'm going to h3ll.

I found that "hope" is with myself only, not "hoping about someone else. My life has changed dramatically since I cut that anchor off my leg.

(((((hugs)))))
amy

alwayscovering

I completely understand what you are saying. I go through this all the time. It's why I'm still with him. Those brief periods when he isn't drinking I think 'Ah, there he is, the charming, intelligent, funny guy I married.'

Mr Hyde eventually shows up and it tears another little piece of my heart away.

ErinGoBragh

Have you considered doing ^^THIS?^^

It's not necessarily the easier way out, but it's certainly healthier than hanging onto a phantom hope that comes and goes.

trailmix

There is that or just give up the "hope".

That's just some good old torture for yourself, nothing more.

I'm not saying he will never get help, I don't know. What I am saying is he hasn't given you any reason to think he will? Acceptance. Accept he is an alcoholic. He isn't two people Good Guy and Bad Guy, he is one person and these are just different parts of him. On "good" days he is still both. One does not absolve the other. You have probably gotten really good at excluding the bad for a few days of relief of the good.

For your own sake it's a good idea to not do that as much as you can, view the entire picture.

Accept him how he is, or not, that's really up to you, of course.

QuietlyTired

That’s a brilliant idea. I should start a chart.

QuietlyTired

That’s a brilliant phrase, addicted to potential. My sibling is also an alcoholic.