Mmerc

My husband has been sober for about 18 months. He chose to do this in his own he has not gone thru AA, things have been ok. He has stayed sober.
My problem is that he has severe issues if I go out with my friends for dinner and have a drink. I don’t drink in front of him, I don’t hide it. But, it’s almost like he is obsessed about my drinking and freaks out and won’t talk to me if I dint tell him as soon as I walk through the door. If he asks of course I tell him.
We used to drink together, it was how we connected after a hard day or a hard week. We still talk everynight, when he is not upset with me, but we drink Diet Coke.
After a long talk today, he admits that he worries constantly about if I’m drinking or not. I admit I went through a bad time after my sister committed suicide. But I got help through a therapist and know that turning to alcohol isn’t a problem solver.
I think he expected me to stop drinking when he did and because I haven’t resents me.
He says the only way he can be happy is if I don’t drink and if I choose to drink I’m ruining our marriage because I’m choosing alcohol over him.
Have others experienced this?
I have read about dry drunks, I know I’m supposed to keep boundaries, and I know he needs therapy. And I know that this is about him and not me ... but i would do anything for him and I feel like this is enabling him if I agree to not drink at all.
He says that it’s support.
I said I’ll agree to not drink for the time being if he agrees to see an addiction specialist with me.
He does have anxiety he has always had it, it’s gotten worse and I am lost in how to truly help him ... if that is at all possible.
My apologies on the length ... first post

QuietlyTired

I don’t have much of an opinion, as my ah has yet to quit for more than a week, but Imo that’s not fair to you. Can you not tell him you had a drink or would he not leave you saying no alone? I think it’s great that you support him by not drinking in front of him.

dandylion

Mmerc….I think it might be good if you attended alanon….it is for you and will help you with how to handle situations, such as this....

I, agree, that he is probably resentful of your ability to do "normal drinking".....

PeacefulWater12

I also recommend the Al-anon suggestion. A life changer for me. It really helped me learn what I am and am not responsible for. Where I end and others start.

It is likely he resents you being able to drink as a "normie", that you can stop whereas he can't.

For him to get over stuff like that he also needs a program. He needs to learn to live life on life's terms. How to handle his emotions and the real world.

However, the best thing is for you to focus on yourself. Wishing you all the best.

trailmix

Whatever his reasoning on this, it's not normal (as you already know). He says he "worries constantly" - that sounds like he is just reflecting his thoughts on to you. Maybe he's more worried about his drinking.

Maybe. Maybe it's just a control issue (i'm not a therapist of course lol - but might be resentment, might not). Will he admit to this?

The only way he can be happy is if YOU - <insert whatever he will decide you shouldn't do next>

That's unfair and not right thinking. It's over simplified for one thing. Is it the drinking? Is it the going out with friends? Is there jealousy involved. I think there is more to this than meets the eye.

It is in fact enabling him in his unreasonableness. Now, you might choose to do that, not drink, until he can get some help with it. You obviously care about him and don't want to torture him, of course. As long as you are clear on that I personally think you are seeing this quite clearly. Good for you for recognizing this rather than just going along.

Mmerc

Sorry I think I hit submit before I typed .. I have been to al anon it’s where I first learned it’s not my fault and that he has to take accountability for him. I read the books when I’m lost on what to do and my therapist has helped as well she does have a history of treating alcoholism and has explained a lot. I was researching as that is what I do when I need to learn more about something I’m not familiar with. I’ve always believed that knowledge is power ... I may begin al anon again ... thanks for the suggestion and words I appreciate them

NYCDoglvr

Very common in recovering alcoholics with no program: their sobriety is dependent on other people, not themselves. When they relapse they blame others instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.

lizatola

It's not our job to police their drinking and it's not their job to police ours. Staying on your own side of the street is key, especially in early recovery.
My XAH quit drinking on his own, as well, but he carried with him all the other issues that go along with the -isms of the disease. The inability to look at themselves is a pretty common problem in the rooms of recovery and my XAH never found true sobriety. He abstained, but didn't spiritually or mentally or emotionally recovery.

As others have said, he may just be resentful of your drinking and needs to turn the tables on you so to make you to blame for your marriage problems. That's really not OK but you get to decide how you want to respond and you get to decide your own role in the blame game.

Sasha1972

As long as you aren't drinking in front of him, or coming home drunk, I don't see how your drinking or not-drinking is his business.

I suggest not making bargains with him (e.g. you won't drink if he goes to an addiction specialist with you) - your drinking and his seeking help are two completely different issues.

D122y

mm,

imo...I don't care if my wife drinks.....but

When I saw her get sick a few days later because I believe booze saps the immune system...I said something...

When she has trouble sleeping because I believe booze alters the bodies ability to manage natural melatonin production...I said something.

When she is being moody and spastic after a minor binge...for her 2 or 3 drinks...I said something.

Each time my comments were met with...just because you have a problem with booze...don't give me a hard time.

That is the nature of this addiction. Even my wife who drinks 2 or 3 times a year...has a slight addiction. She craves the poison.

All I can do is try to help her, but we here all know...each person has to help themselves.

This is how I related to your post.

I hope this response helps you in some way.

Thanks.

Freedom1990

I'd like to give you my view as a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict. Abstinence is not sobriety. Sobriety is a state of mind that goes along with not drinking.

My disease is threefold: physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual. In order for me to maintain sobriety, I have to address all three areas. I had to change my thinking and attitudes. I had to change a lot of things.

Happiness is an inside job. As someone else already said, trying to pin his happiness on whether you drink occasionally or not is a typical alcoholic ploy.

I hope this helps some. Sending you hugs of support from Kansas!

hopeful4

What Freedom just said above is wise.

I will say for myself, I would have given up drinking myself (and did) if I thought it would help my XAH stay sober. I am not addicted to alcohol, and if my spouse had that issue it seemed a small thing to do to support him.

However, if he is using this as a sort of tit for tat situation, that seems very unhealthy on his part.

It's a hard journey to navigate. I wish you all the best!

BlownOne

You don't have to stop drinking for your husband just because he no longer drinks. To claim that he needs that as "support" is absurd. Neither my dad por I have any problem with people around us or close to us drinking. It's a non issue. I focus on my recovery. What others do is their life and their choice. I don't need their support to stay sober. That's on me.