Yup.....I just can't do this
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Yup.....I just can't do this
I really can't. Try, fail, try, fail.
I can't get to the point where I accept I'm an alcoholic and I can't drink. I want to drink. I want to be able to drink. I don't know how to change that. I drink....bad things happen....but it changes nothing. How do I accept?
I can't get to the point where I accept I'm an alcoholic and I can't drink. I want to drink. I want to be able to drink. I don't know how to change that. I drink....bad things happen....but it changes nothing. How do I accept?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I can only speak for myself but when the consequences outweighed any perceived benefit I really started to think about quitting. Then I simply got sick and tired of the routine and knew that a better life must be out there. I was right. You can do the same.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
Now that I am sober I look back at the many, many times I should have said to myself, 'You know what, you are an alkie. Why do you always drink like this and let yourself down?' Of course, I had regrets at the time but never enough to say that's it.
Weddings were a specialty - free bar! I'm surprised my sister doesn't bring up how drunk I was at her wedding. Work occasions which I look back on and think how did I ever recover any credibility from being that drunk. My last drunk was a year ago almost to the day. Another family occasion where I was so, so drunk that I laid myself bare in conversations with my sister, saying stuff that I would otherwise not have said to anyone in the world - ever. That was it for me. That was the bottom.
I realise now that my mum, who died in 2010 from AML but was a recovered alkie with many years progress in AA, was trying to gently encourage me to stop. She passed me literature and advice following bad hangovers but I did not listen. My sister (number two sister) was the one who took over and was there for me when I quit, despite all I had said to her that last drunk night of mine. This sister is 22 years sober with AA. She still goes about 4 meetings a week.
What you have to decide Gabe is are you ready. Do you really, really want to stop. If you do then you've got to work some sort of program with all your effort. You cannot let up. I remember when you first joined you wrote about being drunk and falling in a ditch. That must have been worrying but it was clearly not worrying enough to you to want to quit. That seems mad but I guess you (general you not you Gabe) would rationalize that by saying next time I will not get so drunk that I fall into a ditch. We know it doesn't work that way though.
It's a tough road but eventually you will find the direction.
All the best to you.
Weddings were a specialty - free bar! I'm surprised my sister doesn't bring up how drunk I was at her wedding. Work occasions which I look back on and think how did I ever recover any credibility from being that drunk. My last drunk was a year ago almost to the day. Another family occasion where I was so, so drunk that I laid myself bare in conversations with my sister, saying stuff that I would otherwise not have said to anyone in the world - ever. That was it for me. That was the bottom.
I realise now that my mum, who died in 2010 from AML but was a recovered alkie with many years progress in AA, was trying to gently encourage me to stop. She passed me literature and advice following bad hangovers but I did not listen. My sister (number two sister) was the one who took over and was there for me when I quit, despite all I had said to her that last drunk night of mine. This sister is 22 years sober with AA. She still goes about 4 meetings a week.
What you have to decide Gabe is are you ready. Do you really, really want to stop. If you do then you've got to work some sort of program with all your effort. You cannot let up. I remember when you first joined you wrote about being drunk and falling in a ditch. That must have been worrying but it was clearly not worrying enough to you to want to quit. That seems mad but I guess you (general you not you Gabe) would rationalize that by saying next time I will not get so drunk that I fall into a ditch. We know it doesn't work that way though.
It's a tough road but eventually you will find the direction.
All the best to you.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Originally Posted by Gabe1980 
I really can't. Try, fail, try, fail.
I can't get to the point where I accept I'm an alcoholic and I can't drink. I want to drink. I want to be able to drink. I don't know how to change that. I drink....bad things happen....but it changes nothing. How do I accept?
I can't get to the point where I accept I'm an alcoholic and I can't drink. I want to drink. I want to be able to drink. I don't know how to change that. I drink....bad things happen....but it changes nothing. How do I accept?
What is going on? Did something happen?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by decchemist
Now that I am sober I look back at the many, many times I should have said to myself, 'You know what, you are an alkie. Why do you always drink like this and let yourself down?' Of course, I had regrets at the time but never enough to say that's it.
Weddings were a specialty - free bar! I'm surprised my sister doesn't bring up how drunk I was at her wedding. Work occasions which I look back on and think how did I ever recover any credibility from being that drunk. My last drunk was a year ago almost to the day. Another family occasion where I was so, so drunk that I laid myself bare in conversations with my sister, saying stuff that I would otherwise not have said to anyone in the world - ever. That was it for me. That was the bottom.
I realise now that my mum, who died in 2010 from AML but was a recovered alkie with many years progress in AA, was trying to gently encourage me to stop. She passed me literature and advice following bad hangovers but I did not listen. My sister (number two sister) was the one who took over and was there for me when I quit, despite all I had said to her that last drunk night of mine. This sister is 22 years sober with AA. She still goes about 4 meetings a week.
What you have to decide Gabe is are you ready. Do you really, really want to stop. If you do then you've got to work some sort of program with all your effort. You cannot let up. I remember when you first joined you wrote about being drunk and falling in a ditch. That must have been worrying but it was clearly not worrying enough to you to want to quit. That seems mad but I guess you (general you not you Gabe) would rationalize that by saying next time I will not get so drunk that I fall into a ditch. We know it doesn't work that way though.
It's a tough road but eventually you will find the direction.
All the best to you.
Weddings were a specialty - free bar! I'm surprised my sister doesn't bring up how drunk I was at her wedding. Work occasions which I look back on and think how did I ever recover any credibility from being that drunk. My last drunk was a year ago almost to the day. Another family occasion where I was so, so drunk that I laid myself bare in conversations with my sister, saying stuff that I would otherwise not have said to anyone in the world - ever. That was it for me. That was the bottom.
I realise now that my mum, who died in 2010 from AML but was a recovered alkie with many years progress in AA, was trying to gently encourage me to stop. She passed me literature and advice following bad hangovers but I did not listen. My sister (number two sister) was the one who took over and was there for me when I quit, despite all I had said to her that last drunk night of mine. This sister is 22 years sober with AA. She still goes about 4 meetings a week.
What you have to decide Gabe is are you ready. Do you really, really want to stop. If you do then you've got to work some sort of program with all your effort. You cannot let up. I remember when you first joined you wrote about being drunk and falling in a ditch. That must have been worrying but it was clearly not worrying enough to you to want to quit. That seems mad but I guess you (general you not you Gabe) would rationalize that by saying next time I will not get so drunk that I fall into a ditch. We know it doesn't work that way though.
It's a tough road but eventually you will find the direction.
All the best to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Gabe 
I think that it really comes down to the two wolves thing ans which wolf we feed.
I didn't want to stop drinking either, but I was faced with the real real problem of my health being compromised.
Every time I wanted to drink, I'd think about my health, I'd look at my recovery plan, and I'd call in support.
Some days were very very hard but I committed to doing everything possible to not drink.
after around 2-3 months I suddenly found that I no longer wanted to drink everyday and that the cravings I was getting were getting weaker and weaker.
I had a sense of being restored to being the real me, a person I'd forgotten about.
Its a marathon, not a sprint.
It was a hard couple of months to be sure, but it wasn't agony and it wasn't impossible, even tho my addicted mind tried to convince me of both things.
Use all the support you have - and use it before you drink.
If what you're doing is not working think about what other things you could add to your plan.
What kind of things are leading you back to drinking again?
D
I think that it really comes down to the two wolves thing ans which wolf we feed.
I didn't want to stop drinking either, but I was faced with the real real problem of my health being compromised.
Every time I wanted to drink, I'd think about my health, I'd look at my recovery plan, and I'd call in support.
Some days were very very hard but I committed to doing everything possible to not drink.
after around 2-3 months I suddenly found that I no longer wanted to drink everyday and that the cravings I was getting were getting weaker and weaker.
I had a sense of being restored to being the real me, a person I'd forgotten about.
Its a marathon, not a sprint.
It was a hard couple of months to be sure, but it wasn't agony and it wasn't impossible, even tho my addicted mind tried to convince me of both things.
Use all the support you have - and use it before you drink.
If what you're doing is not working think about what other things you could add to your plan.
What kind of things are leading you back to drinking again?
D
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63
Gabe,
What is going on? Did something happen?
What is going on? Did something happen?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
If your addicted self is winning all the argu,ents over drinking or not, maybe its time to starve that sucker out.
Call on your reinforcements - and don't argue with yourself - you know that your drinking is self destructive - thats beyond argument.
You have a chance to turn things around before things get as bad for you as they got for some of us.
Noone is made of titanium and and the chances of escaping unscathed if they continue going back to the thing they know will destroy them gets less and less each month, never mind each year.
I'm being blunt because you're being lulled in a false sense of security by your addiction.
You can only push the envelope so far, Gabe.
D
Call on your reinforcements - and don't argue with yourself - you know that your drinking is self destructive - thats beyond argument.
You have a chance to turn things around before things get as bad for you as they got for some of us.
Noone is made of titanium and and the chances of escaping unscathed if they continue going back to the thing they know will destroy them gets less and less each month, never mind each year.
I'm being blunt because you're being lulled in a false sense of security by your addiction.
You can only push the envelope so far, Gabe.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Gabe
I think that it really comes down to the two wolves thing ans which wolf we feed.
I didn't want to stop drinking either, but I was faced with the real real problem of my health being compromised.
Every time I wanted to drink, I'd think about my health, I'd look at my recovery plan, and I'd call in support.
Some days were very very hard but I committed to doing everything possible to not drink.
after around 2-3 months I suddenly found that I no longer wanted to drink everyday and that the cravings I was getting were getting weaker and weaker.
I had a sense of being restored to being the real me, a person I'd forgotten about.
Its a marathon, not a sprint.
It was a hard couple of months to be sure, but it wasn't agony and it wasn't impossible, even tho my addicted mind tried to convince me of both things.
Use all the support you have - and use it before you drink.
If what you're doing is not working think about what other things you could add to your plan.
What kind of things are leading you back to drinking again?
D
I think that it really comes down to the two wolves thing ans which wolf we feed.
I didn't want to stop drinking either, but I was faced with the real real problem of my health being compromised.
Every time I wanted to drink, I'd think about my health, I'd look at my recovery plan, and I'd call in support.
Some days were very very hard but I committed to doing everything possible to not drink.
after around 2-3 months I suddenly found that I no longer wanted to drink everyday and that the cravings I was getting were getting weaker and weaker.
I had a sense of being restored to being the real me, a person I'd forgotten about.
Its a marathon, not a sprint.
It was a hard couple of months to be sure, but it wasn't agony and it wasn't impossible, even tho my addicted mind tried to convince me of both things.
Use all the support you have - and use it before you drink.
If what you're doing is not working think about what other things you could add to your plan.
What kind of things are leading you back to drinking again?
D
Stress mainly. Emotional stress and feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like I just need it all to stop. It's been really bad this week. I think I actually decided to drink again on Monday. I recognise that now. It was that childish resentment of not being able to do what 'everyone' else can do and have a couple of glasses of wine to unwind. But that's what I mean, I know I can't just have a couple but I still think I can......it's like being stuck in a horrible game with someone else playing the part of me.....if that makes any sense.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
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Originally Posted by Dee74
If your addicted self is winning all the argu,ents over drinking or not, maybe its time to starve that sucker out.
Call on your reinforcements - and don't argue with yourself - you know that your drinking is self destructive - thats beyond argument.
You have a chance to turn things around before things get as bad for you as they got for some of us.
Noone is made of titanium and and the chances of escaping unscathed if they continue going back to the thing they know will destroy them gets less and less each month, never mind each year.
I'm being blunt because you're being lulled in a false sense of security by your addiction.
You can only push the envelope so far, Gabe.
D
Call on your reinforcements - and don't argue with yourself - you know that your drinking is self destructive - thats beyond argument.
You have a chance to turn things around before things get as bad for you as they got for some of us.
Noone is made of titanium and and the chances of escaping unscathed if they continue going back to the thing they know will destroy them gets less and less each month, never mind each year.
I'm being blunt because you're being lulled in a false sense of security by your addiction.
You can only push the envelope so far, Gabe.
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
You can make a recovery action plan centering on stress Gabe.
If it's self inflicted stress its time to delegate and think about your expectations of yourself.
If it's being inflicted on you, it's time to ask for help
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...44-stress.html (Stress)
If it's self inflicted stress its time to delegate and think about your expectations of yourself.
If it's being inflicted on you, it's time to ask for help
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...44-stress.html (Stress)
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Are you craving the alcohol or what you imagine the alcohol will do for you? If you are thinking that alcohol will make the stress life brings go away...it will only bring on more. The fight with wanting to drink is making you more stressed out. Just don't drink today. Get thru one day at a time. The craving go away with each sober day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Gabe1980
I really can't. Try, fail, try, fail.
I can't get to the point where I accept I'm an alcoholic and I can't drink. I want to drink. I want to be able to drink. I don't know how to change that. I drink....bad things happen....but it changes nothing. How do I accept?
I can't get to the point where I accept I'm an alcoholic and I can't drink. I want to drink. I want to be able to drink. I don't know how to change that. I drink....bad things happen....but it changes nothing. How do I accept?
Page 30
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Originally Posted by Dee74
You can make a recovery action plan centering on stress Gabe.
If it's self inflicted stress its time to delegate and think about your expectations of yourself.
If it's being inflicted on you, it's time to ask for help
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...44-stress.html (Stress)
If it's self inflicted stress its time to delegate and think about your expectations of yourself.
If it's being inflicted on you, it's time to ask for help
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...44-stress.html (Stress)
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
gabe, ya may want to read the chapter,"more about alcoholism" in the big book of AA. i read a lot of it in your posts:
Page 30
Page 30
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63
Are you craving the alcohol or what you imagine the alcohol will do for you? If you are thinking that alcohol will make the stress life brings go away...it will only bring on more. The fight with wanting to drink is making you more stressed out. Just don't drink today. Get thru one day at a time. The craving go away with each sober day.
Sorry - you must be sick of this x
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I've just realised that I am still looking for that one awful thing or realisation that is going to change everything and something is going to 'click'. When that awful thing happens I am going to regret it so much. I think that it's just avoidance of accepting the fact that this is work.....consitent, commited work. And I'm not doing enough of it.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
Originally Posted by Gabe1980
What did you start with? I know that you weren't an AA'r
'... If you feel that you have a problem and would like to stop drinking then please contact me and I will help you. I know the hell that is alcohol addiction and would love to help you if you want to stop. Much love always ......'
You can see that she still appreciated that I would have to decide to stop and fortunately I did.
Next I found SR. I go on SR every day for at least a little bit, whether it's just reading or sometimes contributing.
After this I found that there was a SMART meeting in my location. I have been going to that every week since I found it (unless something unavoidable crops up). I've learned a lot there. Not too much about SMART tools to be honest but I really enjoy the company of others there. It is a small group. Anywhere from 6 - 16 each week. Much bigger than that would put me off so it's a good fit for me.
My sister has sent me AA chips every month this year. As I write this message the post just arrived and my one year chip was in an envelope from my sister. I am beaming with pride.
I hope you can make some progress, Gabe. Don't give up - ever.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Originally Posted by Gabe1980
I think I'm craving what it will do for me. I know there are other ways to achieve that. I work so much that I'm exhausted and have not motivation to do all the things that would properly support my sobriety. I always thought it was a good thing as I don't handle days off to well - that's when I feel really vulnerable, but I think it actually really detrimental. I think I might speak to my boss next week about cutting down my hours, so I can invest far more in this.
Sorry - you must be sick of this x
Sorry - you must be sick of this x
You are "putting your sobriety first" and that means your mental and physical health and well-being is top priority.You only have one life to live so desire your ideal life and make it happen. Eliminate the things that do not contribute to what you really want and you will find your freedom!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Gabe
Lots of good input here.
I think you've pointed out a lot of the reasons you keep turning to drink. Can't cope with life, emotional immaturity (why can't I drink too?), just wanted 'it' (known as life) to just stop....sounds very familiar.
I had to drink to the point where there was no illusion...drinking doesn't work, period. It might relieve a craving, but there is no high, no fun, no oblivion. Sure it takes my mind off current problems because I'm too focused on the challenges I just created from my latest drinking episode. It makes my life really difficult, but at least its only one thing I'm focused on. I'm an alcoholic.
I have to learn to deal with life. Learn to handle my emotions. Lean that I am dangerous and irresponsible when I drink, childish. I had to grow up. And that all started with acceptance that I'm an alcoholic and I cannot drink. And surrender completely to that fact. Stop fighting and trying to prove that I can drink. It was utter insanity.
Lots of good input here.
I think you've pointed out a lot of the reasons you keep turning to drink. Can't cope with life, emotional immaturity (why can't I drink too?), just wanted 'it' (known as life) to just stop....sounds very familiar.
I had to drink to the point where there was no illusion...drinking doesn't work, period. It might relieve a craving, but there is no high, no fun, no oblivion. Sure it takes my mind off current problems because I'm too focused on the challenges I just created from my latest drinking episode. It makes my life really difficult, but at least its only one thing I'm focused on. I'm an alcoholic.
I have to learn to deal with life. Learn to handle my emotions. Lean that I am dangerous and irresponsible when I drink, childish. I had to grow up. And that all started with acceptance that I'm an alcoholic and I cannot drink. And surrender completely to that fact. Stop fighting and trying to prove that I can drink. It was utter insanity.
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