Troubledone

Its been a while since I've posted and I have recently had a spiritual awakening that I am hoping will help others as I share it.

Background:

My addict is my 37 year old niece with 14 years struggle with Meth and Cocaine

The lows have been multiple incarcerations and 2 HUGE felonies (she was dealing), bankruptcy and now $50,000 debt, loss of property and no job.

The high points were she graduated with honors from college, did two bouts of rehab after her felonies, got a paralegal certificate and was working a job that paid $35,000.00. She even entered on-line law school and had a boyfriend.

Then she relapsed in 2015

We let her live with us and after 15 months of struggle, we hit the final straw when she invited her drug friends into our house while we were away, lied about it and one of them stole our front door key. We know about the shenanigans because we have a "nanny cam". (incidentally, I highly recommend getting one if security is a potential concern).

Today she is homeless, living with strange "friends" (read other addicts), her car got impounded, she has no money and no job with no hope of recovering her car - she will soon lose her cell phone and her possessions in her storage unit. She blames us for all this of course, and I suppose in a way it is our fault that we have enabled her too long.

She has a bunch of stuff here that after the "abandoned property" waiting period in our state, we'll need to dispose of. But I think that might be an appropriate penance for our enabling.

So, my mea culpa is that we let her come back here 15 months ago. We knew she had relapsed and in hindsight we should have said, rehab first and then a half way house and then a job - not coming "home". That we love and support her but that each step in that journey is needed for her to build the strength she needs to have a decent life. "helping" her just kept her in the lying, manipulating, using cycle.

Like the typical codependent, I thought I could "save" my little sweetheart with enough love. In this 15 months she has lied, cheated and invited criminals into my home (as well as drugs).

I have learned my lesson. It has taken 14 years but it feels right because I just don't have that "hooked" feeling. I love her and wish her the best and hope that someday I am not on this forum reporting she's overdosed. But after 14 years, I'm done.

I live in a city with wonderful services and free rehab - so I am giving it to my HP and I plan to enjoy the rest of my summer. I will clean my house and deal with my grief. I will pray and read so I stay strong for the inevitable day she comes here asking to come back - when I will say - rehab, then halfway house, then on your own - like I should have said 15 months ago.

I do pray that my HP forgives my own addiction to my addict because I feel remorse that I have prolonged her suffering due to my own need for "comfort" of knowing she's safe and my ow pride in being the one who saves her. I hope I can somehow make it up to my HP.

thanks for listening to my confession.

I resolve to make amends where needed and to the degree it won't be harmful...and to continue to search for my part in this to free myself and my niece.

Peace,

PhoenixJ

TD- no person who has an addiction will stop unless they choose to. Perhaps there was a bit of self pride bit involved in you helping your neice..but that is what family does. Whenever we see hope- or hopelessness, our instincts are for us to protect their own. I empathise, for there has to be a breaking point.

Perhaps it is worth remembering that your niece is not a bad person, but a very unwell person. Addiction - as well as the terrible physical consequences, is a moral cancer.

You provided shelter and safety to a vulnerable person and it reads to me that you did not have pride- but more likely thought your experiences could help.
I am sure your HP forgives you- seeing as part of your HP is you.

Troubledone

PhoenixJ - Thank you for your response.

I do see her as very unwell, and that's the hard part. I just started reading the book "Smoke and Mirrors" - which describes that aspect of the disease that keeps the addict so stuck in denial.

Moral cancer is a good description - a disease that robs a person of the moral compass that is necessary for good relationships and a healthy life. I can't think of any disease that is so wholly relentless - attacking both body and soul.

Thanks for your empathy - while I am giving her to my HP's care, I still hurt for my niece and wonder several times a day if she's in danger, if she's hungry, if she's scared (or all three) and wishing somehow there was something I could do.

Step 11 is really big for me now - praying for knowledge of God's will and the Power to carry it out.

Thanks!

Freedom1990

We do the best we can with what we have at that time.

I am a slow learner too. The thing is I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, and I have been an enabler to both of my grown daughters.

I resolved to take myself off the back burner, practice good self-care, and do my best to let go and let God.

Forgive yourself. That's important. Sending you hugs of support from stormy Kansas!

hopeful4

You did your best, out of love for her.

Just because you turn an addict over to God does not mean you love them any less. Remember that.

Big hugs!

Troubledone

Thank you Freedom and Hopeful

I have been beating myself up a bit - I guess there is a difference between doing a step 4 and beating one's self up.

I just don't want to do it again! thanks so much for the well wishes and support!

Maudcat

Very sorry, Troubledone.
You have done what you can.
Time to let go, I believe.
When we know better, we do better.
Don’t beat yourself up.
Peace.

PhoenixJ

still prayers to you both

atalose

Sometimes there are no good choices, just painful ones. We make decision that may hurt others at times, and that hurt us to. Sometimes that’s just how real life is.

When you have been burned by the fire once, you don’t leap into the flames again.