Fearlessat50

A while ago someone here posted about life obligations - to our employers, our families, our communities, ourselves, etc. it resonated with me. For a long time, I both denied and justified my drinking problem because I was highly functioning. Somehow at times I felt that alcohol made me an even more productive person perhaps because it helped me remove emotion from a situation and still power through. But as I reflect on all this, I was just lying to myself. Most of the time I was causing damage including emotional damage to relationships. Though it may have seemed I had some successful experiences while drinking, I realize how I could have been so much better without the alcohol, and that by not being fully present because of the alcohol, I was avoiding responsibilities and being selfish. Just one massive escape.

lessgravity

One massive escape is right. I feel the same - truly it's a pattern, perhaps developed by other means at a young age, of AVOIDANCE. That and oblivion. Avoidance and oblivion - in the end upon reflection those are the twin heads on the demon of alcohol. At it's essence, that's all there is or ever was.

Maybe that was me, who wrote about obligation. If so, thanks, this is what I wrote:

I've been very active on SR for the past couple months. I'm reading so many posts. Reviewing all my old ones as well. And I'm struck by the lack of respect for the concept of obligation that runs through an addict's life - my life especially.

Definition of obligation: An act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound; a duty or commitment.


When I'm drinking and drunk and craving, everything is sacrificed on the altar of my addiction. Some things are sacrificed entirely - my health is a mess, so is money, my aspirations. Some things are sacrificed in part - this is the myth of the functioning alcoholic - my career, for example. Being a successful professional in a highly competitive city at a highly competitive job - oooh what a "functional" alcoholic I am. BS. Truth is that I'm barely scraping by, the bottom always ready to drop out. Truth is that the hill I've been running down towards the skid row drunk that my Beast wants me to become only has gotten steeper and steeper over time. I'm not doing my best at work. I'm not the father or husband or man or son or friend or citizen or anything at all that I could be.

I have no sense of obligation when I'm a selfish, self-pitying, pathetic drunk. No sense of civic duty. No obligation shown towards my family. And just because when I get sober I lament how badly I have treated my wife or my kid or my self means nothing - just another hungover pity party.

When I'm sober I can be woken up at 3am, roused from bed and I can drive my son to an emergency room. When I'm sober I have the time and the money and the energy to reach out to friends, to family. I can attend community board meetings. I can just clean up after my damn self.

I was thinking today as I rode the subway in my city - thank "god" that most people aren't drunks. Subway tracks would not be repaired, medical treatments would not have been discovered, etc etc. All the things that allow for me to live the life I am blessed with - the drunks on skid row can't be counted on to not crap themselves. Imagine if drunks ruled the world.

I so much do not want to be the selfish waste I become when I drink. I want to be of use. Someone to be counted on. Someone who fulfills his obligations.

I can ONLY do this sober.

No one is coming to save me.

Fearlessat50

Thank you, Lessgravity. Yes, that was your post! I am dealing with a lot at the moment. Trying to really strengthen my emotional sobriety and sense of duty and obligation. It’s hard!

August252015

There's the expression I have as my mantra- "emotional sobriety "! For me, maintaining and growing that precludes maintaining the physical.

Renvate

Thanks for the insightful reply less gravity.
I used to wonder how DO other people function the way they do, Everything gets done, responsibilities are met, a life is built, stress is managed and ontop they even work out.

And the simple answer is that they don't drink.

MyLittleHorsie

My life drinking was chaotic, spinning out of control. My life sober is manageable and enjoyable. Removing alcohol improved my life, becoming sober has improved me as a person.