Ainslie

In the mood I'm in, I wish I knew the exact day that I'd die, so that I could count my clean and sober days down until I died. Right now I'm on day 2, I thought it was 3, but forgot marijuana is a drug too.

Personally I think milestones can be as much of a cause to celebrate as they are to relapse. Just as special occasions are. Eg Joe bloggs says to himself - well I've managed 5yrs clean and sober, maybe I can control my drinking or using now. However, if we all knew when we were going to die, we could be celebrating our years clean and sober Vs our years intoxicated, which could act as an incentive to stay sober - because we all know which life is ultimately more enjoyable.

But we'll never know when we are going to die, so I don't even know why I wrote that load of **** above.

I have mental health issues (aside from drug and alcohol dependence) but I think I'm so emotional ATM due to marijuana withdrawal. The great thing is I'm not craving alcohol at all, just caffeine and sugar. My drugs of choice are anything - I used to refer to myself as a trashcan. Just throw anything in to me.

Thank you for reading, sorry for being so maudlin, I look forward to any support I can receive.

Ainslie

Well that was a crap post when I was in a crap mood, can a mod please delete it?

Dee74

I don't think it was a crap post Ainslie
It may help someone else having a crap day too?

I didn't see it before today so I missed it.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better

D

Healthyandsober

Hi Ainslie,

It wasn't a crap post. I read it but I did not reply because a lot of what you said resonates with me and I can recognize the negative self-talk. I didn't had anything positive to reply at the moment.

Like when you said you call yourself trashcan. I understand and feel that way too. (There is not enough booze in this world to fill me up) But you are more than that you know.

I hope my reply helps and I have explained myself a bit.

I can see you are feeling better and that is great!

Berrybean

You know what I love about this thread? It shows that those awful, soul-crushed moods DO pass. When you look at the dates of posting they're what? A week apart. Yet what a change. And that in itself can offer other people hope.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB

skipper123

I hope your are feeling better . Remember some days are better than others and some just suck !!

Ainslie

Yeah thanks all of you, I have to get off the pills I'm on and embrace the help I've been offered. For me, professional help is most important. Experience is one thing, but I have to take my GPs advice first and foremost, which means I have to wait another 4 days to see addiction specialists, radiologists, and some ******* other specialists. I know how to manipulate doctors, and I'm over doing it.

Whilst I appreciate the input of those with experience, the emotional aspect is a little too much and while I'll still attend meetings, I just need to keep listening to music to keep me calm. And/or confuse me.