Cheated for a Rehab Romance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1
Cheated for a Rehab Romance
Hello. This is my first time posting on this website, and I am truly grateful to have a place to do so. Recently, my boyfriend of 3 years went to a rehab care center that was 10 hours away. He is only 21 years old and a binge drinker. He definitely put me through a lot throughout our relationship to say the least. I was so proud of him for agreeing to go to rehab, although I understandably did not hear from him during the two weeks he was there. When he returned home from rehab, he seemed like a new person. He said he forgot about everything and everyone when he was there and started over. However, he did say he only went to rehab because of his family and is not an alcoholic. In addition, he said he met someone when he was there... She happened to be an employee at the rehab facility, and I am not sure if she is a recovering alcoholic or not. Ultimately, he cheated on me. After only knowing this girl for three weeks, he asked her to move in with him (which I was supposed to do once he got home from rehab). She quit her job at the rehab center and moved 10 hours away to live with him. I am currently feeling tremendously hurt because I do not understand for I have stood by his side for the past 3 years. She has been living with him for about a week now, and he appears to be happy. He says he still wants to be friends and have me in his life, but it has already been so different since he returned home; I feel like he does not need me anymore. He has been such a big part of my life, and I have been a big part of his. He would always tell me he cannot wait to have a family with me and make me his wife. I keep on hoping he will realize what he lost and miss me, but I do not know what to do. What are the chances of their relationship working out? How can he do this to me after everything we have been through? I appreciate any help for I am trying my best to understand but cannot.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Chrissy and welcome to SR, sorry for the tough time you are going through.
Unfortunately, rehab romances are not unheard of, I've seen a few posts about them here at SR, although I have no experience with that.
Have you heard of Al-Anon? Alcoholics have AA, Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. It's support for you. It's not to try to fix the alcoholic but to give you support and the tools to deal with what you are dealing with.
Is it really wise to be in contact with him right now? He has treated you terribly and now might be a good time to completely distance yourself from him and take care of yourself. It is painful, I know, but you might want to look at the reasons why you would even want to be in contact with someone who was so cold and dismissive.
Two weeks of not drinking is a drop in the bucket. Being sober, alone, is not "recovery".
You might want to take a look at the stickies here at the top of the forum, a lot of wisdom there. A good place to start is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Understanding alcoholism will help you to understand what's going on.
Unfortunately, rehab romances are not unheard of, I've seen a few posts about them here at SR, although I have no experience with that.
Have you heard of Al-Anon? Alcoholics have AA, Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. It's support for you. It's not to try to fix the alcoholic but to give you support and the tools to deal with what you are dealing with.
Is it really wise to be in contact with him right now? He has treated you terribly and now might be a good time to completely distance yourself from him and take care of yourself. It is painful, I know, but you might want to look at the reasons why you would even want to be in contact with someone who was so cold and dismissive.
Two weeks of not drinking is a drop in the bucket. Being sober, alone, is not "recovery".
You might want to take a look at the stickies here at the top of the forum, a lot of wisdom there. A good place to start is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Understanding alcoholism will help you to understand what's going on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Chrissy,
I am sorry for the pain that this man has caused you. I know it is not easy to hear, but he has given you a gift, by walking away. I went 34 years with my addict and he put me through hxll. Life with an addict is not easy, sober or active. I can tell you its a matter of time before he relapses if he hasn't already. Telling you that he did it for everyone else and he's not an addict, states it right there. More will be revealed.....
This man is not a special snowflake, or someone that you can't live without. If I was you, I would cut all contact with him, all phone, emails, and social media. This is not a man that you can ever trust. Walk away and let his new enabler put up with his antics, as he is not your problem anymore.
I know it hurts, but cut ties and your life will get so much better. (((((hugs))))))))
I am sorry for the pain that this man has caused you. I know it is not easy to hear, but he has given you a gift, by walking away. I went 34 years with my addict and he put me through hxll. Life with an addict is not easy, sober or active. I can tell you its a matter of time before he relapses if he hasn't already. Telling you that he did it for everyone else and he's not an addict, states it right there. More will be revealed.....
This man is not a special snowflake, or someone that you can't live without. If I was you, I would cut all contact with him, all phone, emails, and social media. This is not a man that you can ever trust. Walk away and let his new enabler put up with his antics, as he is not your problem anymore.
I know it hurts, but cut ties and your life will get so much better. (((((hugs))))))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chrissy......Even though rehab romances are discouraged...they do happen.
During rehab, people who are struggling are in situations where there is a lot of emotional sharing about a lot of common issues...while away from their previous environment....So, an immature, vulnerable person can easily fall into "attraction" with the opposite sex....
This is sooo convenient for them, as they have had their usual means of feeling good taken away (alcohol/drugs)…The "feel good" or high that comes with a fresh, new romance is very close to the "feel good" that is supplied by other substances. This is caused, largely, by the cascade of bonding hormones that is released in the body.....which gives us all those rose colored glasses of early romance...lol...
These feelings are as intense as they are usually short term...…
It is so easy to fall, in this way, for someone new and fresh....compared to a longer-term relationship that will, naturally, involve more responsibility and issues to be dealt with.
When a person is drinking large amounts of alcohol during the teenage years...on the very vulnerable teen aged brain....which is not, yet, fully developed....(not fully developed until the early to mid 20s)….it is said that the emotional and social development becomes arrested at the age they began drinking.....
We all know how fickle teenagers can be in their romantic lives....
Without a doubt, this is a very painful experience for you....and you are going to be grieving the loss of this relationship, as you knew it....This is only natural....and you can expect to have a lot of different emotions in the coming weeks...anger, sadness, etc....
You will heal, gradually, and your life will go on....but, right now, you are still in the very early part and I know that you feel very disillusioned and wounded....
Your ex boyfriend has a long way to go in life...a lot of growing up to do and he will have to face his alcoholic issues...which it doesn't sound like he has done, yet.
Their relationship is not likely to last......but, that doesn't mean that he will be good for you, even after that.....
The worst thing that you could do for yourself, is to wait around for him....You need to be having some of the best years of your life....and investing in your own future and having good experiences and adventures.....
You will need to be with healthy people who are m ore mature and are not in the midst of struggling with addiction.....
You will need to be with people who you can trust and who treat you wil respect and can be responsible in their life conduct....
During rehab, people who are struggling are in situations where there is a lot of emotional sharing about a lot of common issues...while away from their previous environment....So, an immature, vulnerable person can easily fall into "attraction" with the opposite sex....
This is sooo convenient for them, as they have had their usual means of feeling good taken away (alcohol/drugs)…The "feel good" or high that comes with a fresh, new romance is very close to the "feel good" that is supplied by other substances. This is caused, largely, by the cascade of bonding hormones that is released in the body.....which gives us all those rose colored glasses of early romance...lol...
These feelings are as intense as they are usually short term...…
It is so easy to fall, in this way, for someone new and fresh....compared to a longer-term relationship that will, naturally, involve more responsibility and issues to be dealt with.
When a person is drinking large amounts of alcohol during the teenage years...on the very vulnerable teen aged brain....which is not, yet, fully developed....(not fully developed until the early to mid 20s)….it is said that the emotional and social development becomes arrested at the age they began drinking.....
We all know how fickle teenagers can be in their romantic lives....
Without a doubt, this is a very painful experience for you....and you are going to be grieving the loss of this relationship, as you knew it....This is only natural....and you can expect to have a lot of different emotions in the coming weeks...anger, sadness, etc....
You will heal, gradually, and your life will go on....but, right now, you are still in the very early part and I know that you feel very disillusioned and wounded....
Your ex boyfriend has a long way to go in life...a lot of growing up to do and he will have to face his alcoholic issues...which it doesn't sound like he has done, yet.
Their relationship is not likely to last......but, that doesn't mean that he will be good for you, even after that.....
The worst thing that you could do for yourself, is to wait around for him....You need to be having some of the best years of your life....and investing in your own future and having good experiences and adventures.....
You will need to be with healthy people who are m ore mature and are not in the midst of struggling with addiction.....
You will need to be with people who you can trust and who treat you wil respect and can be responsible in their life conduct....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
When people show you who they are... believe them.
He told you he went to rehab for all the wrong reasons and while there, he brought a woman home. And not just a woman, he brought home someone that should have been more responsible to herself and her life and her job. This woman doesn't have her life together because if she did, she'd of put him in his place n been more professional.
I can't help but think after the wild n crazy sex dies down that they will be forced to deal with each other and he will go back to his old habits of drinking and she will become his new babysitter/in-house counselor and reveal a part of herself that will eat at him like fleas on a camel in the hot desert sun.
Girl you just won another chance at finding a good man! Take it!!!!
He told you he went to rehab for all the wrong reasons and while there, he brought a woman home. And not just a woman, he brought home someone that should have been more responsible to herself and her life and her job. This woman doesn't have her life together because if she did, she'd of put him in his place n been more professional.
I can't help but think after the wild n crazy sex dies down that they will be forced to deal with each other and he will go back to his old habits of drinking and she will become his new babysitter/in-house counselor and reveal a part of herself that will eat at him like fleas on a camel in the hot desert sun.
Girl you just won another chance at finding a good man! Take it!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
AS much as you may think he is, he is not the guy for you. 3 years and you say he’s put you through a lot and now broken up your still allowing him to put you through a lo, a lot of unhappiness. By you remaining standing on the sidelines waiting to see if his new romance buds or fades out, you’re making yourself second best and that’s not any place you should be.
I’d not put much stock in the story that this other person worked at the rehab but I would wager a bet that she was also a patient.
Cut ties, distance yourself from this continued hurt and pain and allow yourself time to heal from this bad relationship experience.
Alcoholics are generally selfish and care only about meeting their own needs and feelings, your feelings and needs are not as important to him as his own and probably never will be.
Go no contact with him for your own self-respect and self-worth and remember no new contact = no new hurts.
I’d not put much stock in the story that this other person worked at the rehab but I would wager a bet that she was also a patient.
Cut ties, distance yourself from this continued hurt and pain and allow yourself time to heal from this bad relationship experience.
Alcoholics are generally selfish and care only about meeting their own needs and feelings, your feelings and needs are not as important to him as his own and probably never will be.
Go no contact with him for your own self-respect and self-worth and remember no new contact = no new hurts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
I always felt like the "I want to stay friends" was a way to keep you on the back burner so he can jump back to your pot of water when this new one doesn't work out.
Take care of yourself. go out with your friends. Plan a weekend away with girlfriends or something. Definitely block him on social media and your phone and ask any mutual friends to not talk to you about him.
Take care of yourself. go out with your friends. Plan a weekend away with girlfriends or something. Definitely block him on social media and your phone and ask any mutual friends to not talk to you about him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi Chrissy -
I am so sorry you are hurting. As others here have said take care of yourself first.
Take a mental note that he did not go to rehab for himself and is not willing to admit he has a drinking issue. He is headed for a relapse if he hasn't already.
One day I hope you can look back on this and be thankful that you are no longer part of this roller coaster ride. As painful as this is you must believe me that this is your sign to walk away, before any children are involved or before you marry him.
I married an alcoholic. We have been together for 22 (married for 20) years....with two girls. He is JUST sober and in recovery for the first time in his
life. 22 years..... And quite honestly he is an infant in his recovery, only a year and a half.
Run from this as fast as you can.
Peace and Healing
~Triggers
I am so sorry you are hurting. As others here have said take care of yourself first.
Take a mental note that he did not go to rehab for himself and is not willing to admit he has a drinking issue. He is headed for a relapse if he hasn't already.
One day I hope you can look back on this and be thankful that you are no longer part of this roller coaster ride. As painful as this is you must believe me that this is your sign to walk away, before any children are involved or before you marry him.
I married an alcoholic. We have been together for 22 (married for 20) years....with two girls. He is JUST sober and in recovery for the first time in his
life. 22 years..... And quite honestly he is an infant in his recovery, only a year and a half.
Run from this as fast as you can.
Peace and Healing
~Triggers
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Addicts/alcoholics will do anything to escape themselves, what my sponsor called "trading up addictions". He stopped drinking (temporarily) so to feel better had an affair. "He's not an alcoholic" so his drinking will quickly return to what it was before. Oh, yea, it's a progressive disease. Trust me, you don't want an alcoholic in your life!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
After only knowing this girl for three weeks, he asked her to move in with him (which I was supposed to do once he got home from rehab). She quit her job at the rehab center and moved 10 hours away to live with him.
Q: How can you tell two addicts are dating?
A: There's a moving van in the driveway.
I'm so sorry.
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