babycat

So, I have a long history of self harm. Well before I ever drank. But I drunkenly cut my wrist very badly 2 weeks ago. I had to get stitches and I was placed on 24 hour suicide survalance.'They said my blood alcohal level was near fatal. I hardly felt drunk at all.
I now have no feeling in my thumb and forefinger. They still work fine, but I am a massage therapist, feeling is very important. My doc said it will return but not for a long while. I am so angry at myself. I ******* hate this insane disease.
I am going home to visit my family in MI in 2 months. I have no idea how I am going to explain this awful cut to my mom and my mil.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that babycat. Perhaps more importantly than trying to explain it to your mom, have you decided that you need to do something about your drinking yet? 2 months is a long time from now and you could make a lot of progress on that area if you chose to do so.

Berrybean

Babycat, do you think that how you explain this away is really your main problem right now?

Is this the bottom you have been digging down to yet? If there is a next time you may do more damage than this last time. Is it to time to really commit to sobriety and recovery, and do the things that you need to do, even if you don't want to do them?

Alternatively you can think of some great excuse / rationalisation / lie about how you sustained your injury and continue with this insanity. You've been here a long time now. Over 7 years. 7 years of quitting and starting again. That **** is exhausting. You don't have to keep doing it you know.

BB

babycat

Ending drinking is the goal. Being married to a very functional alcoholic makes it very difficult. Something has to change tho...

Anna

Babycat, I'm sorry for what your injury and that it will be difficult for your work.

You can stop drinking, even if you're married to an alcoholic, but it will take focus and motivation. Don't worry about what your family will think when you visit. Instead, focus on a recovery plan that works for you and that will encourage you to be kind to yourself.

babycat

Maybe. Maybe. This is so hard, but you are right. I have done so much stupid crap while drunk. I can usually brush it aside and ignore it the next day. This, not so much. I have a constant reminder. I am soooo freaking tired of living this way.

ScottFromWI

I would agree that something has to change. And while being married to an alcoholic is difficult, it's probably less difficult than losing sensation/control of your appendages, no?

trachemys

Honesty, with self and others, is the best policy.

Dee74

Hi babycat - I'm sorry for your situation. Many people here have spouses who still drink, some alcoholically, but they stay sober nonetheless.

It stands to reason it's not impossible for you too

D

babycat

Well, my mom is now coming to visit me in Los Angeles on the 9th of August, cutting my recovery time by a lot! I am excited for her to come, but definitely dreading the conversation that will inevitably come about my wrist. I always try to protect her but she knows what a hot mess I am. Drinking and eating disorders, she knows. She does not know of the self harm (although, I suppose the latter 2 are pretty much just that). I had an almost perfect childhood with no one drinking at all in my life. How on earth did I become such a screw up??

babycat

Bump, sorry. I just need someone to help with this anxiety. I have xanax and I hate taking it unless I really have to.

Banjoist

You’re human. Give yourself a little grace and a lot of resolve. Make today the day that you start healing body, mind, and spirit.

Dee74

I don;t think you're a screw up and I'm sure your mom doesn't feel that way.

I think the focus needs to be on you and your recovery now, not what other people might think?

D

27cougar

How do you think your mom would react if you came clean with her about what happened? Supportive or ?? I understand the anxiety as I have it also and hate to talk to anyone about it...