slipnslide

How many times do I have to repeat the cycle. I feel so defeated

snitch

You never have to repeat it again. Make today your last day one. Don't pick up a drink no matter what. Take it a day at a time. Make it an hour or even a minute at a time. Get your head on your pillow sober and repeat the next day. The days will add up. I did this and now have 3 months of sobriety

slipnslide

I nade such poor choices today (technically yesterday). And I am safe. Sober. And home right now. Nursing my hangover. And I can’t shake my regret and shame. How could I have done that? So many people depend on me and love me and need me and I could have gotten myself in so much trouble. Or hurt. Or worse. I can’t shake the feeling that maybe I’m not a good person after all...

Dee74

hi slipnslide

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I found that making different choice and different decisions led to change for me.

Maybe you need to work on looking for help before you succumb to drinking again instead of after? I think it's worth a shot

D

Gottalife

It'll probably continue, as it did for me, until I was ready to try some ideas not my own.

August252015

Glad you made it back to us.

Nonsensical

I've been down this road, sometimes so often I should have had my mail forwarded there. Here was the bottom line for me:
I am not fatally flawed.
I was addicted to alcohol and it distorted my decision-making.
Wallowing in my shame never did anything except make it more likely I was going to drink again.
Wallowing in my quest for a solution to my problem produced much better results.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Delilah1

Welcome back Slipnslide! The good news is you are sober right now. You can start again, one day at a time.

What have you tried in the past that has worked or not worked for you?

slipnslide

Mostly moderating. I usually do fine with moderation for a while. This time it happened to last for..... 2ish months. And the. Yesterday happened I was blackout drunk. And don’t remember most of the evening. I became human again around 7ish pm. And I’m mordified.

doggonecarl

In previous posts you used an analogy for your pattern of moderate drinking, followed by a blackout drunk, followed by a post here asking for help. You called it a broken record.

Time to stop playing that record. You can't predict when you'll go off the rails. That means you can't control your drinking, try as you might. Until you can let go of the idea of drinking, completely, the record keeps playing, keeps skipping at the same track. Sobriety is the answer.

You need to take drinking off the table. You probably have to change major aspects of your life--the social scene that supports your drinking, the way you cope with life, everything. Or else these occurrences will become more frequent. It wont be a record that's broken, but a life.

Forward12

You can end the madness now. Start going to AA, call an addiction center, look into rehab, research other recovery plans,... and most importantly, don't ever touch the booze again, and you'll never have to feel this way again.

tomsteve

maybe its time to get off the slipnslide?

jagrnaut

You got this slipnslide. I was very much like you, at least in regards to the fact that I thought I could drink in moderation. It always ended in the same result with me having one night that was way too much and it caused a lot of issues with my wife. I am only 5 days in and so I can not speak a ton of words of wisdom, however, I can tell you hands down that I am feeling amazing at the moment. I think everyone is right in stating that you can't dwell in self pity, it doesn't promote change. Make that decision to put it down and be strong one day at a time.

slipnslide

I appreciate the words of encouragement. I think what I’m most scared of is my lack of successs to never drink again. I have been failing over and over again. And it’s terrifying. To think that a poisonous substance has more power over me then... me. I am scared of failing again.

ChloeRose63

It is up to you. Have you had enough of the madness? Life gets better when you quit drinking. Seek support before you pick up that first drink.

jagrnaut

If you don't put up a fight, haven't you already failed then? I guess maybe the best way to view it is to not fear the failure, but look forward to "your" success. I do not think anyone here was perfect or didn't have any set backs. Go kick some butt!!

Fearlessat50

First of all, there’s no failure! There’s only learning! I think one reason you are feeling so bad and like you have failed is your thinking process and relationship with alcohol. You are expecting you can still have alcohol in moderation. And this is really tripping up your thinking, because in fact it does work for you for a little while. But then you are right back where you were. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and a denial disease. The way you stop the madness is by stopping altogether. I was once like you and I went through that cycle for years. I’m a year and half sober now. I am so much happier. I never plan to drink again.
The other thing is to not compare yourself to other people. Because there are folks out there who moderately and responsibly drink. However, these are folks who never tipped the scales into problem drinking territory to begin with. Once that happens, your brain starts to change. It has nothing to do with willpower or being a good or bad person. I hope you will keep coming here for support. I have also used therapy for my own journey.

Obladi

You are absolutely more powerful than alcohol.
You have the power to consume or not consume it.

It's once the alcohol is in you that you are powerless.
That has a simple solution.

So simple it took me many years to get there.
I sure hope it doesn't take you that long - I know what misery the journey holds while still drinking/moderating/whathaveyou.

O

wildflower70

Like most people here I relapsed many times, tried to moderate my drinking, gave up on trying when I felt overwhelmed, and always ended up here asking for help.....

I finally got sick of the merry go round, sick of making it a few months and returning to madness, sick of the failed attempts of moderating.
We must accept that drinking is not an option, not now, not ever.

When I gave up the notion that I would ever be able to drink again, I began to actually build my sober life. I don't even think about drinking anymore. I am almost 6 months sober.

If I can do it, and others here can do it, you can do it. You MUST want it...

tomsteve

maybe thats not going to work then. personally i said that too many times in my past to know that when i decided i was ready for help, saying that wasnt going to work.
i didnt drink one day at a time.
some days were too long so did it one hour at a time.
some hours were too long so did it one minute at a time.
some minutes were too long so did it one second at a time.

im to a point in life that i plan to die sober, but getting there one day at a time.