curiouskarma

I just wanted to update that finally did it...I broke up with my abf. If anyone remembers my posts, I was struggling with the decision for awhile.

What finally helped was my counselor suggested I make a list of boundaries that I absolutely would not allow to be crossed, just for myself...because it can be hard to identify that a boundary's been crossed in the heat of the moment when it's happening. And interestingly enough, the boundary that was crossed was one I didn't necessarily think of and write down. But the exercise still helped me to see it for what it was.

I feel shaky and scared, and sad... a lot of things are going to change for me. I already miss the few good parts of the relationship. I've been on the forum reading and rereading all the stickies...I'm determined to learn and grow from this and never get into a similar situation again.

I'm just having a hard time with guilt about the whole thing... it almost feels codependent of me that all I want to do right now is learn what my part in all this was and how I can work on myself so I'm healthier *for* future relationships. I wonder if I should switch from al-anon to coda, now that I no longer have a qualifier at the moment...

dandylion

curiouskarma….I am so glad to hear that you are working on self awareness..!! If we don't learn from our patterns, we will repeat them.....
I think you are so smart to do so....It can save you a lotta...lotta pain, down the road.....
the changes that you make...inside of yourself...become a part of you...
...and, nobody can take that away from you...!

Lol...I do believe you are ascending Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs....(I just thought of that...lol)…..
Yea!

Michsm

Good for you! I felt guilty when I finally decided to leave and a few weeks after I left but I no longer do. Each day gets better. You will have good days and bad days. For me, it is worth it. My only advice is to stay strong and always think about the bad moments and why you left. It is hard when those good times creep in but they will pass. What has helped me is this board and I have a best friend that supports me and that I can call any time of the day, she has been amazing helping me through this tough time.

curiouskarma

Thank you mich..... I'm still in the stage where I'm doubting if I did the right thing... its so hard leaving someone you still love and care about... I'm doing my best to remember the bad moments.... of which there are far far too many.... but of course it still hurts.

curiouskarma

And thank you dandylion... insightful as always.... I just wish the person I'd been in a relationship with was remotely open to self reflection as well.

maia1234

Ck,
I am proud of you . No it is not easy to walk away from people we love. It did it with 34 years together. But just because you love someone you don't have to be present in their lives. I always said he wasn't going to die on my watch.

Chances are, you haven't heard the last of him. He will call and apologize. What is your plan? How are you going to stop being sucked in again? You need a plan to protect yourself. Did you block him on your phone, social media or anything else?

Good luck my friend!!

curiouskarma

Yes I blocked on facebook, phone etc. He's still in blame mode, apparently I'm the bad person and cause of all his problems (probably because I've been getting in the way of his alcohol and benzos.... but his story is that he needs to drink/use because he has a gf who isn't affectionate enough.) So I expect him to walk away cooperatively. But if not, I have a few friends/family who are prepared to escort him out of my house if need be when the time comes. If it gets violent or abusive, I have his probation officer's number and he could literally be breathalized at any moment and arrested for any blood alcohol content whatsoever (he legally isn't allowed to touch alcohol).... and he is usually drinking at any waking moment. So I feel secure that it'll be a more or less peaceful transition. My main concern is his manipulation getting to me.... him telling me that I'm a cold/heartless/unaffectionate person... which kind of strikes a chord for me because I grew up in a dysfunctional home with no affection. So the last thing I want is to become that myself. But in reality I'm capable of a completely normal if not excessive amount of physical and emotional affection when I'm in a relationship with someone who I care about and isn't drunk and abusive. At least I'm aware that I have a typical codependent backstory and am prepared to work on that outside of this relationship.

dandylion

curiouskarma…..his "story" about drinking because his girlfriend is not affectionate enough is just quacking.
You need to install a Quack-o-Meter......

curiouskarma

Yes! This exactly. Usually I can detect the quacking just fine but every now and then one well targeted quack hits home lol... this forum is so helpful for recognizing that. Thank you

maia1234

CK,
You my friend, have your ducks in a row. You have plan A, B and C all in order.

As you read all over SR, Addicts reflect their short comings on you...... You say"you were drunk and threw up all over the kitchen floor" They say "you don't keep the house clean". Their short comings become "your" short comings. You would like nothing more then a healthy, caring, sober boy friend. That is not going to happen with him anytime soon. Its all about, growing up, sobering up and working a program.

Walk away, work on yourself and ask yourself why you accepted such horrible behavior from someone. In time you will understand the "grooming" process that our addicts do to us. That process goes for months and then years and we don't even recognize it. Stay busy, keep no contact and your life will get soooooooooooo much better!!

Hugs to you, you are doing amazing!!

Zukunft

Yes! You are fabulous and strong. I know how difficult it is. I just did the same thing yesterday! After many years of indecision. You’re on the way! Bravo!

NYCDoglvr

[QUOTEit almost feels codependent of me that all I want to do right now is learn what my part in all this was and how I can work on myself so I'm healthier *for* future relationships. ][/QUOTE]

Actually it's the opposite of codependent, it's healthy to keep the focus on you, to change and grow as a person. Big hug.