My story...for anyone feeling hopeless today...
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 8
My story...for anyone feeling hopeless today...
I wanted to share my full story here today just because I’m having a wonderful day and maybe it can give someone hope or motivation who may be in the place I was.
It’s a long one !
I am 32 with two young children. I started drinking in high school. Just the occasional “girly” beer, having one and acting loaded with my friends. Because I thought, “this is what teenagers do, right?”
As I entered my 20s I developed pretty severe anxiety issues. I started to have one or maybe two glasses of wine before I’d leave the house to do ANYTHING social because it helped ease the nerves. For some reason at that point in my life a doctor never even came to mind. I was fit, healthy, going to nursing school full time and felt great unless I had to socialize with people. This was the same time my father was entering rehab for severe alcoholism-the thought that I may be down that path never crossed my mind.
As my 20s progressed I noticed wine just wasn’t cutting it anymore. I’d get home from a stressful shift, pour a glass, two, three and feel no “relief” as I mistakenly called it. So I switched to vodka. The fruity kinds, mixed with lemonade (because the fruity ones somehow made it “better” to be drinking to me)
I met a man in my mid-twenties and we moved in together. Ironically enough he was a recovering alcoholic. At first I thought “wow this will be great I’ll cut down since we won’t have any in the house!” I was so wrong. This is when I began HIDING bottles. First the little mini shooters, then 5ths and half gallons. And since I couldn’t drink in front of him I’d just take swigs from the bottle whenever I could. The relationship ended after 3 years. He found out(as they always do) no matter how “stealthy” I thought I was, my drunk sloppy self was so transparent. He became physically abusive when he knew so I left.
Moved into an apartment on my own and began drinking HEAVILY on my off days. No one was there to stop me. Occasionally my father would stop by(at this point recovered and devout to AA) and he’d occasionally mention my drinking but for some reason never really got on my butt about it.
Then I met who I thought was my saving grace, who would keep me sober, my current husband. We immediately clicked and within 6 months moved in together. He was a social drinker or a beer in the garage kind of guy. I cut WAYY back. He just made me feel wonderful and we were starting a beautiful life. I became pregnant with my daughter and was sober for over a year while pregnant and breastfeeding.
Something happened in my brain when my daughter was around 18 months. We had moved into a beautiful new home, we had great jobs and a beautiful little girl... but I became severely depressed. The hiding of those evil bottles started again. The “just driving to the market honey!” Lies came as I would go to the liquor store to load up.
I became pregnant with my son, and sobered up for the pregnancy and a few weeks of breastfeeding. This time was different. I developed severe post partum depression and anxiety. Began drinking heavier than I ever had. My husband turned a blind eye for some reason (he tells me today he couldn’t count the number of bottles he would find). I wouldn’t even look myself in the mirror I had gained 30-40lbs, was always disheveled, sloppy and swollen.
Within the last 8-9 months I have gone through I can’t tell you how many “day 1s” thinking Id never be able to do it.
I would go on 5-7 day long benders, detoxing, getting sober again for a week and then feeling “good” and thinking I can drink again. My detoxes were always severe hallucinations, tremors, sweats. I was too stupid to seek medical advice.
And then my father passed suddenly this May. I was devastated. It sent me in a deep spiral. I wouldn’t get out of bed unless it was to get a drink. My mother in law had to come care for my children.
I finally decided to see a doctor who diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety and started an antidepressant.
Today I am 65 days sober. The longest in 10 years besides my pregnancies.
I have light back in my eyes, my complexion is rosy instead of mottled or “drunk” red. I have lost nearly 40 lbs. I love caring for my children and husband. I love my job. My life which I thought had no real meaning has SO much meaning to me now. I ENJOY getting out of bed without shaking. I enjoy coffee instead of a swig from a bottle. I know I have a lifelong journey. The support I have received from my husband and the folks at AA is amazing.
Most importantly I love MYSELF again. I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of what I’ve accomplished so far. I never knew it could feel this good. I wish I had the strength to do this years ago.
Anyone that is struggling right now just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you want there to be. There is ALWAYS hope, even when it’s the darkest. It’s always darkest before the dawn...
And believe me you’re worth it.
Sorry for the long post just feeling a little sentimental today. Everyone have a beautiful day! Xoxo
It’s a long one !
I am 32 with two young children. I started drinking in high school. Just the occasional “girly” beer, having one and acting loaded with my friends. Because I thought, “this is what teenagers do, right?”
As I entered my 20s I developed pretty severe anxiety issues. I started to have one or maybe two glasses of wine before I’d leave the house to do ANYTHING social because it helped ease the nerves. For some reason at that point in my life a doctor never even came to mind. I was fit, healthy, going to nursing school full time and felt great unless I had to socialize with people. This was the same time my father was entering rehab for severe alcoholism-the thought that I may be down that path never crossed my mind.
As my 20s progressed I noticed wine just wasn’t cutting it anymore. I’d get home from a stressful shift, pour a glass, two, three and feel no “relief” as I mistakenly called it. So I switched to vodka. The fruity kinds, mixed with lemonade (because the fruity ones somehow made it “better” to be drinking to me)
I met a man in my mid-twenties and we moved in together. Ironically enough he was a recovering alcoholic. At first I thought “wow this will be great I’ll cut down since we won’t have any in the house!” I was so wrong. This is when I began HIDING bottles. First the little mini shooters, then 5ths and half gallons. And since I couldn’t drink in front of him I’d just take swigs from the bottle whenever I could. The relationship ended after 3 years. He found out(as they always do) no matter how “stealthy” I thought I was, my drunk sloppy self was so transparent. He became physically abusive when he knew so I left.
Moved into an apartment on my own and began drinking HEAVILY on my off days. No one was there to stop me. Occasionally my father would stop by(at this point recovered and devout to AA) and he’d occasionally mention my drinking but for some reason never really got on my butt about it.
Then I met who I thought was my saving grace, who would keep me sober, my current husband. We immediately clicked and within 6 months moved in together. He was a social drinker or a beer in the garage kind of guy. I cut WAYY back. He just made me feel wonderful and we were starting a beautiful life. I became pregnant with my daughter and was sober for over a year while pregnant and breastfeeding.
Something happened in my brain when my daughter was around 18 months. We had moved into a beautiful new home, we had great jobs and a beautiful little girl... but I became severely depressed. The hiding of those evil bottles started again. The “just driving to the market honey!” Lies came as I would go to the liquor store to load up.
I became pregnant with my son, and sobered up for the pregnancy and a few weeks of breastfeeding. This time was different. I developed severe post partum depression and anxiety. Began drinking heavier than I ever had. My husband turned a blind eye for some reason (he tells me today he couldn’t count the number of bottles he would find). I wouldn’t even look myself in the mirror I had gained 30-40lbs, was always disheveled, sloppy and swollen.
Within the last 8-9 months I have gone through I can’t tell you how many “day 1s” thinking Id never be able to do it.
I would go on 5-7 day long benders, detoxing, getting sober again for a week and then feeling “good” and thinking I can drink again. My detoxes were always severe hallucinations, tremors, sweats. I was too stupid to seek medical advice.
And then my father passed suddenly this May. I was devastated. It sent me in a deep spiral. I wouldn’t get out of bed unless it was to get a drink. My mother in law had to come care for my children.
I finally decided to see a doctor who diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety and started an antidepressant.
Today I am 65 days sober. The longest in 10 years besides my pregnancies.
I have light back in my eyes, my complexion is rosy instead of mottled or “drunk” red. I have lost nearly 40 lbs. I love caring for my children and husband. I love my job. My life which I thought had no real meaning has SO much meaning to me now. I ENJOY getting out of bed without shaking. I enjoy coffee instead of a swig from a bottle. I know I have a lifelong journey. The support I have received from my husband and the folks at AA is amazing.
Most importantly I love MYSELF again. I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of what I’ve accomplished so far. I never knew it could feel this good. I wish I had the strength to do this years ago.
Anyone that is struggling right now just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you want there to be. There is ALWAYS hope, even when it’s the darkest. It’s always darkest before the dawn...
And believe me you’re worth it.
Sorry for the long post just feeling a little sentimental today. Everyone have a beautiful day! Xoxo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
Thanks for sharing your story! I can certainly relate. I’m 44 and the only times I’ve been sober for more than a week were also with my two pregnancies. I was breastfeeding as well but I remember the day after my daughter was born I asked my then-husband for a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Then I just started drinking again thinking a little won’t get into my baby’s system. Then I would make her evening meals a bottle of formula so that I could drink even more. My husband and I had fallen in love over partying a lot together and while he is not an alcoholic (thank God), so many years of our marriage we spent drinking. He’d bring home a bottle of vodka and Coronas and then he’d bring me shots and bottles while I played around on my computer. Such a waste of my life. You’re fortunate to have a supportive and sober husband! I’ve had three other relationships and they’ve all been bad alcoholics. I have never been with a non drinker or even light drinker. If I meet someone someday I can be serious with, I truly hope they are not alcoholics. I just can’t do that again.
And you said the light came back into your eyes. This gives me so much hope as I been feeling like my face is different when I drink. It’s like my eyes almost look mean instead of the bright, soft eyes I had before getting to this bad stage. I’m always hiding my eyes too with shades. I feel like they reveal my inner pain. I look forward to someday surprising all the gas station cashiers who have flirted with me with my new, happy face and I’ll let them see my eyes. And I’ll be buying water not alcohol! That’s all they know of me is that I come in a lot to buy alcohol at as early as 11 am. I actually used to buy beer at 7 am after I took my daughter to school. Ugh. At least I’m not doing that anymore.
Thanks again for you story, it’s very inspiring! So glad you found peace and a happy life.
And you said the light came back into your eyes. This gives me so much hope as I been feeling like my face is different when I drink. It’s like my eyes almost look mean instead of the bright, soft eyes I had before getting to this bad stage. I’m always hiding my eyes too with shades. I feel like they reveal my inner pain. I look forward to someday surprising all the gas station cashiers who have flirted with me with my new, happy face and I’ll let them see my eyes. And I’ll be buying water not alcohol! That’s all they know of me is that I come in a lot to buy alcohol at as early as 11 am. I actually used to buy beer at 7 am after I took my daughter to school. Ugh. At least I’m not doing that anymore.
Thanks again for you story, it’s very inspiring! So glad you found peace and a happy life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Thank you for taking the time to share your story StarGazer. It was a great and uplifting read. When I was initially getting sober, I loved reading stories likes yours on SR. They are the best for giving motivation and hope.
PS: even with a bit more sober time, I still love reading stories like these!
PS: even with a bit more sober time, I still love reading stories like these!
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