Ituvia

I've been away from this forum because of my new job and moving but I am at my wit's end right now. As many of you know my Ex came back into my life last year and we have been trying to make things work. He completed a year of sobriety and attends AA meetings whenever he is off from work and when he finds the time. Our sex life has been nonexistent since he came out of rehab. It has always been bad but now it's completely dead. He won't talk about it at all. When I bring it up, he says it's because of my anger issues. He is constantly finding faults with everything I do and when I react he blames me for him not initiating sex. He gives me a peck on the cheek, shows no other affection whatsoever. We don't even hug. If I initiate, he says he is tired or sleepy. I feel extremely self-conscious, feel frustrated with him and myself all the time. I brought this subject up last week and he says, it's all mental and physically he doesn't have any problem.
I don't understand how this can be. I am in my early thirties and i've never had an orgasm before. I feel like my urges have gone down too and it scares me to think maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm too manly for men to want me.
I don't know what i'm looking for here but I feel like a freak is what it is.

SparkleKitty

What is it about this relationship that keeps you trying to work it out? Or maybe a better question is, what is it about you that keeps you trying to get something from this relationship that has been demonstrably absent for a long time?

Bernadette

ltuviaI don't understand how this can be. I am in my early thirties and i've never had an orgasm before.

Just as we know we have to know ourselves and what we want emotionally before we find a good life partner to walk with, "ourselves" includes our sexual selves!
I give all the young girls in my life "Our Bodies Ourselves" by the Boston Women's Health Collective, it's a great book about women, women's bodies, relationships, health, and sex.

You sound very lonely in this relationship, I know that feeling and it is dreadful, to have someone right there but to feel alone. Glad you're here and I like SparkleKittys questions, a good kick off point for meditating on this relationship that sounds rather unfulfilling for you...
(((hugs)))
B.

hopeful4

HE sounds very checked out. Definitely sexual issues can be mental. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Please don't see it as a reflection of yourself because clearly it's him. I agree, you sound lonely.

Sending you big hugs.

hearthealth

Sometimes, I question medical reason or an affair. I have to remind myself it's not me, it's him. Acceptance of this lifestyle is difficult and takes time to come to terms with. It seems selfish yet it's not selfish to want signs of affection.

marie1960

He gets to address his issues in what ever manner he chooses. Time to make you the number one priority in your life. Get to know YOU. You get to explore what you consider vital to a happy, Well balanced life. Explore your body, mind, and spirit, this is an inside job. Sorry to say, he certainly is not working toward a normal healthy “us”. You certainly deserve love and intimacy, what needs to happen next?

trailmix

Certainly this can be a mental issue on his side, so he may not be wrong about that at all. Could be depression for instance.

The question is, what is he doing to address that?

For understanding depression you might want to watch this (and maybe even show it to him)



For you, please try not to let this affect your self-esteem (easy for me to say), you need support too though. Post here, attend Al-Anon, are you in therapy or have you checked it out at all?

You're not "too manly". How can I say this without knowing what you look like or act like? Because you are ok the way you are. Now that might not suit everyone (none of us suit everyone!) but you are ideal for someone and certainly ideal for yourself.

clarity888

Ituvia, you are not a freak...I think this may be (unfortunately) one of the big losses in a relationship that is affected by addiction. My qualifier is in rehab right now, and I don't know who or what he'll be like once he is done. I just know the mental/emotional part of this disease, and the lack of connection/vulnerability between the alcoholic and the spouse...can be very detrimental to all areas of the relationship, even what seems like a purely physical need (for some people) can just disappear. It's good you posted and identified this as something that needs to change.

LLLisa

If a person wants to be with you then they will be with you. He's showing you who he is and what he wants.

maia1234

Hon,
Sounds no different then being a dry drunk. All about him, self centered, me, me, me. Then we analyse what we are doing and questioning ourselves. Codie behavior.

I think you need to ask yourself, why you got back into the relationship, Companionship, love, support, respect, anything. Not seeing any of that. I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with yourself. Life is short and living with a dry drunk, or a wet drunk is no fun.

Do your homework and see what you really want in life. It sure doesn't sound a like a happy life to me, just because he is "sober". (((((((((hugs)))))))))))

NYCDoglvr

You want to revive this relationship............why? It sounds like only one person wants it to succeed. What I find as a codependent is denial and rationalization played a big part in my disastrous relationship. Alanon can be a huge help. I recommend it.

AnvilheadII

we don't have to stay in unfulfilling relationships. in fact, we should NOT do so.

Ituvia

thank you, I try not to take this personally but I really do want to be with him. I don't know why.

trailmix

Unless your self esteem is rock solid it will chip away at it. If you are judging your desirability and being lovable on his interactions with you, that's a huge problem for you Ituvia.

You mentioned you feel self-conscious now and like a freak. I actually understand that, thing is, you are not a freak.

Someone else not responding to you in the way you expect is not a reflection on you, it's really important to understand that. No matter what the reason, whether he isn't in true recovery, whether he is still healing mentally, whether it's depression or some other mental illness, it's not about you.

Just like alcoholism it's about him and he is the one that needs to solve it. As you mentioned, you have tried to talk to him about it and you don't get very far with it.

Do I think you need to go flying out the door? Not necessarily but you should try to get some support for yourself absolutely, face to face support, you are going to need it. You will also need to decide how far you will be dragged down before you let go of the rope.

You should be able to answer that question. Even if the answer is - I don't want to be lonely and I need someone to go out to dinner with. Your answer, whatever it is may not be ideal but until you answer it you can't really move forward to getting what you want from this relationship (if that's even possible) and examining your motives is important in deciding if you should even stay.

Maybe try writing a list out? It can help to bring clarity. Something as simple as - I want to be with him because: then try to list reasons, whatever pops in to your head, try not to overthink it and see what you come up with.

Is therapy a possibility?

marie1960

I really do want to be with him . I don’t know why.

I seem to be having this conversation with my daughter lately, and she has used almost the same exact words.

My answer to you will be the same as I have shared with her, You obviously do not know or understand your own value.

But if anyone else wants to share any words of experience, I too would love to read along.

NYCDoglvr

Alanon answers the "why" and will help get you going in the right direction.