If I can make it sober through this...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 108
If I can make it sober through this...
Then I can get through anything. I am very happy this is an anonymous board right now. I found out tonight my 18 year old daughter was raped when she was 16. She has been working with detectives for over 2 years now (she didn’t tell me or anyone). Multiple girls were raped by some stud football player at our local high school. Another one of the girls who was raped begged my daughter to talk to the police a few months after the rape, so she did. They also got another girl to come forward.
Anyway, I came home tonight and my daughter was acting funny. Just sitting on the couch staring at the wall while I made dinner. Just as I finished she called me in to tell me she needed to tell me something. That’s when she explained what happened. And that the district attorney called her today and she has to testify in front of the grand jury on my birthday next month. We sat on the couch and hugged and cried for 30 minutes.
I wanted to drink. I wanted to get high. I wanted to go hunt this guy down and do unthinkable things to him. But I called my good friend who is sober and we went on a walk. And now I am on here venting.
I am not going to use. I need to be here for my daughter. But this just feels like some sick joke. And I am scared because this is the most emotional I have been since getting sober just over 2 weeks ago. I feel like I am being tested.
Anyway, I came home tonight and my daughter was acting funny. Just sitting on the couch staring at the wall while I made dinner. Just as I finished she called me in to tell me she needed to tell me something. That’s when she explained what happened. And that the district attorney called her today and she has to testify in front of the grand jury on my birthday next month. We sat on the couch and hugged and cried for 30 minutes.
I wanted to drink. I wanted to get high. I wanted to go hunt this guy down and do unthinkable things to him. But I called my good friend who is sober and we went on a walk. And now I am on here venting.
I am not going to use. I need to be here for my daughter. But this just feels like some sick joke. And I am scared because this is the most emotional I have been since getting sober just over 2 weeks ago. I feel like I am being tested.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
As a father I cannot imagine more dreadful news, and I can see what a terrible blow this is to you. I have had some bad experiences in sobriety, it's part of life, and in my case I have reacted sanely and normally to each situation. I experienced the anger and grief that goes with certain things and was able to deal with it with a bit of help here and there. It never occurred to me to drink.
That is the position of strength I found myself in having adopted the AA way of life. I was able to survive the low spots that will come to all of us.
This is particulalrly tough as you are only two weeks in. Even the most rabid AAer would be finding it difficult to handle only two weeks in. It takes a little time to get connected to the Power that would take us through these times.
In your position I guess the most selfish and selfcentred thing I could do would be to drink. The next might be to intervene myself and bring some misfortune down on the perpetrator of such a terrible deed. It might momentarily satisfy my desire for revenge, but would most likely backfire and bring even more negative consequences for my daughter.
My only true course of action would have to be put my sobriety first, so that I can be there for my daughter, and put my own personal feelings last for the same reason. I can only suggest that you do whatever is required to stay sober and be the mother your daughter so desperately needs. That might involve getting help for yourself.
You can make it through this. External events were never the reason we might relapse, though sometimes they make a gold plated excuse. We relapse because of our internal condition and what we have not done to fix it. In otherwords our alcholism remains untreated. I have seen folks stay sober many years, leading s charmed life it seems, then the bad thing happens and they relapse. I have also seem awful things happen in the lives of newcomers, yet, if they are seriously trying to work the AA prgram, even only a week or two in, God somehow seems to keep them protected from the fatal first drink.
That is the position of strength I found myself in having adopted the AA way of life. I was able to survive the low spots that will come to all of us.
This is particulalrly tough as you are only two weeks in. Even the most rabid AAer would be finding it difficult to handle only two weeks in. It takes a little time to get connected to the Power that would take us through these times.
In your position I guess the most selfish and selfcentred thing I could do would be to drink. The next might be to intervene myself and bring some misfortune down on the perpetrator of such a terrible deed. It might momentarily satisfy my desire for revenge, but would most likely backfire and bring even more negative consequences for my daughter.
My only true course of action would have to be put my sobriety first, so that I can be there for my daughter, and put my own personal feelings last for the same reason. I can only suggest that you do whatever is required to stay sober and be the mother your daughter so desperately needs. That might involve getting help for yourself.
You can make it through this. External events were never the reason we might relapse, though sometimes they make a gold plated excuse. We relapse because of our internal condition and what we have not done to fix it. In otherwords our alcholism remains untreated. I have seen folks stay sober many years, leading s charmed life it seems, then the bad thing happens and they relapse. I have also seem awful things happen in the lives of newcomers, yet, if they are seriously trying to work the AA prgram, even only a week or two in, God somehow seems to keep them protected from the fatal first drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
My only true course of action would have to be put my sobriety first, so that I can be there for my daughter, and put my own personal feelings last for the same reason. I can only suggest that you do whatever is required to stay sober and be the mother your daughter so desperately needs. That might involve getting help for yourself.
You can make it through this. External events were never the reason we might relapse, though sometimes they make a gold plated excuse. We relapse because of our internal condition and what we have not done to fix it. In otherwords our alcholism remains untreated.
You can make it through this. External events were never the reason we might relapse, though sometimes they make a gold plated excuse. We relapse because of our internal condition and what we have not done to fix it. In otherwords our alcholism remains untreated.
This has been a REALLY crummy time. My father died last month and I have been really grieving that. Then THIS! I will say that my reaction would have been much worse if I were still using. I realize just how mad I was everyday. I had that “see? The universe picks on me” kind of mentality. But I was able to back away tonight and realize that life is just rough sometimes.
I am absolutely going to make it through this. I am so happy to be able to be present for my daughter who definitely needs me now. I am winding down my 17th day of sobriety and I know there is nothing more important than my recovery.
Thanks for your response. It helped me.
And Dee- thank you too! I will lean on you all. This forum has helped me a LOT!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Good morning Paige. I hope you managed to get some sleep. I thought it might be nice to start your day knowing that we are thinking of you and you difficulties.
I have found it helpful to take a few minutes quiet time and think about what whatever Power there is in the universe, would want me to be doing today, asking that it give me the strength to do the right thing with the right motives.I also ask that it send me the right thoughts or actions for any rough spots that come along, and take away any nutty thoughts.
This simple practice seems to set me up for the day, as long as I follow through on what I know needs to be done.
God bless,
I have found it helpful to take a few minutes quiet time and think about what whatever Power there is in the universe, would want me to be doing today, asking that it give me the strength to do the right thing with the right motives.I also ask that it send me the right thoughts or actions for any rough spots that come along, and take away any nutty thoughts.
This simple practice seems to set me up for the day, as long as I follow through on what I know needs to be done.
God bless,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,507
Paige, I'll be praying for you as you go through this. You're so right - drinking can never be an answer for us. It brings no comfort, just adds to the anxiety of what we're trying to cope with. We can't deal with trauma such as this while in a fog. I'm so thankful we finally know that.
Sending love to you - and I'm very glad you posted about what happened. Prayers for you and your girl are going up.
Sending love to you - and I'm very glad you posted about what happened. Prayers for you and your girl are going up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Oh my Gosh as the mother of a 17 yr old girl I can't imagine. She's dropped a couple of bomb shells on me this past year but nothing like this.
I hope she is doing ok and is getting some help, or you plan some help for her. The lasting effects of an assault can be significant if not dealt with. I have dealt with something similar myself and it had far reaching implications. I'm hoping the police have encouraged her to talk to you and that they are going to give you resources to help her. I hope that you plan to talk with them and be involved in the process from here on out. She may be 18 but it sounds like she lives at home and is still dependent. Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't call you them selves if she is still in high school. Ugh.
You will not regret staying sober through this and keeping the focus squarely where it belongs....on the victim.
I hope she is doing ok and is getting some help, or you plan some help for her. The lasting effects of an assault can be significant if not dealt with. I have dealt with something similar myself and it had far reaching implications. I'm hoping the police have encouraged her to talk to you and that they are going to give you resources to help her. I hope that you plan to talk with them and be involved in the process from here on out. She may be 18 but it sounds like she lives at home and is still dependent. Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't call you them selves if she is still in high school. Ugh.
You will not regret staying sober through this and keeping the focus squarely where it belongs....on the victim.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
We went through this with our daughter, and it is truly horrible. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. The pain can be crushing.
1) your daughter is a rockstar. I am so proud of her, and I don’t even know her! What an amazing thing to do - it takes so much courage to pursue your attackers. She is a true survivor. I am just amazed that at 16 she had the strength to do this. Incredible, and kudos to you for raising such a warrior.
2) this is the hard one. This is not about you. Nothing about this scenario is about you or your feelings. It’s about your daughter. It is so easy for us to get focused on our pain and how we feel. But you didn’t experience the traumatic event - she did. So yes, you’re having pain now, but it’s because of your empathy for your daughter. You are not the one that suffered here, she is. I know that you know that, but it was difficult for me sometimes to separate myself from my daughter and let her drive the bus. It also can be a “good” excuse to drink/use if we let ourselves see ourselves as victims. She isn’t a victim - she’s a survivor. And witnessing her pain doesn’t make you a victim either.
3) I mentioned it in 2, but this is her bus to drive. In my family’s case, it was essential to my daughter’s healing that she controlled all of her decisions after the fact. We gave advice, perspectives, and support, but that was it. It was tempting for me to jump in and try to fix everything, but you can’t. She’s powerful, and she has to remember that, or re-find her power within. You can remind her, but in our experience, our daughter needed to be able to wrest control back for herself.
Good luck, mama. You have got this. And again, I am so, so sorry for your daughter and for you. Sending love your way.
1) your daughter is a rockstar. I am so proud of her, and I don’t even know her! What an amazing thing to do - it takes so much courage to pursue your attackers. She is a true survivor. I am just amazed that at 16 she had the strength to do this. Incredible, and kudos to you for raising such a warrior.
2) this is the hard one. This is not about you. Nothing about this scenario is about you or your feelings. It’s about your daughter. It is so easy for us to get focused on our pain and how we feel. But you didn’t experience the traumatic event - she did. So yes, you’re having pain now, but it’s because of your empathy for your daughter. You are not the one that suffered here, she is. I know that you know that, but it was difficult for me sometimes to separate myself from my daughter and let her drive the bus. It also can be a “good” excuse to drink/use if we let ourselves see ourselves as victims. She isn’t a victim - she’s a survivor. And witnessing her pain doesn’t make you a victim either.
3) I mentioned it in 2, but this is her bus to drive. In my family’s case, it was essential to my daughter’s healing that she controlled all of her decisions after the fact. We gave advice, perspectives, and support, but that was it. It was tempting for me to jump in and try to fix everything, but you can’t. She’s powerful, and she has to remember that, or re-find her power within. You can remind her, but in our experience, our daughter needed to be able to wrest control back for herself.
Good luck, mama. You have got this. And again, I am so, so sorry for your daughter and for you. Sending love your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by eyes99
We went through this with our daughter, and it is truly horrible. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. The pain can be crushing.
1) your daughter is a rockstar. I am so proud of her, and I don’t even know her! What an amazing thing to do - it takes so much courage to pursue your attackers. She is a true survivor. I am just amazed that at 16 she had the strength to do this. Incredible, and kudos to you for raising such a warrior.
2) this is the hard one. This is not about you. Nothing about this scenario is about you or your feelings. It’s about your daughter. It is so easy for us to get focused on our pain and how we feel. But you didn’t experience the traumatic event - she did. So yes, you’re having pain now, but it’s because of your empathy for your daughter. You are not the one that suffered here, she is. I know that you know that, but it was difficult for me sometimes to separate myself from my daughter and let her drive the bus. It also can be a “good” excuse to drink/use if we let ourselves see ourselves as victims. She isn’t a victim - she’s a survivor. And witnessing her pain doesn’t make you a victim either.
3) I mentioned it in 2, but this is her bus to drive. In my family’s case, it was essential to my daughter’s healing that she controlled all of her decisions after the fact. We gave advice, perspectives, and support, but that was it. It was tempting for me to jump in and try to fix everything, but you can’t. She’s powerful, and she has to remember that, or re-find her power within. You can remind her, but in our experience, our daughter needed to be able to wrest control back for herself.
Good luck, mama. You have got this. And again, I am so, so sorry for your daughter and for you. Sending love your way.
1) your daughter is a rockstar. I am so proud of her, and I don’t even know her! What an amazing thing to do - it takes so much courage to pursue your attackers. She is a true survivor. I am just amazed that at 16 she had the strength to do this. Incredible, and kudos to you for raising such a warrior.
2) this is the hard one. This is not about you. Nothing about this scenario is about you or your feelings. It’s about your daughter. It is so easy for us to get focused on our pain and how we feel. But you didn’t experience the traumatic event - she did. So yes, you’re having pain now, but it’s because of your empathy for your daughter. You are not the one that suffered here, she is. I know that you know that, but it was difficult for me sometimes to separate myself from my daughter and let her drive the bus. It also can be a “good” excuse to drink/use if we let ourselves see ourselves as victims. She isn’t a victim - she’s a survivor. And witnessing her pain doesn’t make you a victim either.
3) I mentioned it in 2, but this is her bus to drive. In my family’s case, it was essential to my daughter’s healing that she controlled all of her decisions after the fact. We gave advice, perspectives, and support, but that was it. It was tempting for me to jump in and try to fix everything, but you can’t. She’s powerful, and she has to remember that, or re-find her power within. You can remind her, but in our experience, our daughter needed to be able to wrest control back for herself.
Good luck, mama. You have got this. And again, I am so, so sorry for your daughter and for you. Sending love your way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by PaigeMasters
First- thanks to everyone for your support. Eyes- it’s so interesting that you said it’s not about me. The first thing she said was just that- “Mom, this is NOT about you so please don’t make it about you. Just listen and don’t ask me a million questions.”
But you all can do this!! You really, really can. You can all not only survive, but thrive.
Sending thoughts of every good thing, and if you ever want to chat privately, just send me a PM.
All my best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Gottalife
Good morning Paige. I hope you managed to get some sleep. I thought it might be nice to start your day knowing that we are thinking of you and you difficulties.
I have found it helpful to take a few minutes quiet time and think about what whatever Power there is in the universe, would want me to be doing today, asking that it give me the strength to do the right thing with the right motives.I also ask that it send me the right thoughts or actions for any rough spots that come along, and take away any nutty thoughts.
This simple practice seems to set me up for the day, as long as I follow through on what I know needs to be done.
God bless,
I have found it helpful to take a few minutes quiet time and think about what whatever Power there is in the universe, would want me to be doing today, asking that it give me the strength to do the right thing with the right motives.I also ask that it send me the right thoughts or actions for any rough spots that come along, and take away any nutty thoughts.
This simple practice seems to set me up for the day, as long as I follow through on what I know needs to be done.
God bless,
I am enjoying quiet coffee time and trying to get centered. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this post.
It’s all so surreal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by eyes99
I mentioned it because I’ve been there. We found out about six years ago over here. My daughter had just turned 18 and was in her first semester of college when it happened. We found it about it when she was almost 20. The good news is that we made it through and she is living an amazing life. The bad news is that all of us had to sort through a mess of emotions to make it here. It wasn’t a short road.
But you all can do this!! You really, really can. You can all not only survive, but thrive.
Sending thoughts of every good thing, and if you ever want to chat privately, just send me a PM.
All my best!
But you all can do this!! You really, really can. You can all not only survive, but thrive.
Sending thoughts of every good thing, and if you ever want to chat privately, just send me a PM.
All my best!
I want to know more but she has begged me to back off and I must respect that. She was a minor at the tons but isn’t anymore so I don’t really think I can talk to the DA?? Evidently we will be getting the summons today. She wants me to drive her to the grand jury trial but as I understand no one can be in there. I anticipate a long, legal road ahead of us. Fortunately one of the girls got a rape kit so I am assuming there is DNA evidence.
I don’t even know his name. But I just need to back off and support her. As you said and she said- it’ not about me. My only role is to support her. I think she will tell me more as time goes on. But I won’t push. Plus it’s probably better I don’t know his name, honestly. I will find out in due time- hopefully when he is behind bars.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
Paige, I'm so sorry about what happened to your daughter. She is courageous and brave to be dealing with the legal aspects of what happened to her and the other girls.
It sounds like you are doing well yourself and you know you will stay sober. I dealt with an issue in early recovery - my 19 yr old daughter was stalked by an unknown man for a full year. I felt like I was in a bad movie. But, like you, I told myself, this is a test. If I can get through this, I can get through anything.
It sounds like you are doing well yourself and you know you will stay sober. I dealt with an issue in early recovery - my 19 yr old daughter was stalked by an unknown man for a full year. I felt like I was in a bad movie. But, like you, I told myself, this is a test. If I can get through this, I can get through anything.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by PaigeMasters
Then I can get through anything. I am very happy this is an anonymous board right now. I found out tonight my 18 year old daughter was raped when she was 16. She has been working with detectives for over 2 years now (she didn’t tell me or anyone). Multiple girls were raped by some stud football player at our local high school. Another one of the girls who was raped begged my daughter to talk to the police a few months after the rape, so she did. They also got another girl to come forward.
Anyway, I came home tonight and my daughter was acting funny. Just sitting on the couch staring at the wall while I made dinner. Just as I finished she called me in to tell me she needed to tell me something. That’s when she explained what happened. And that the district attorney called her today and she has to testify in front of the grand jury on my birthday next month. We sat on the couch and hugged and cried for 30 minutes.
I wanted to drink. I wanted to get high. I wanted to go hunt this guy down and do unthinkable things to him. But I called my good friend who is sober and we went on a walk. And now I am on here venting.
I am not going to use. I need to be here for my daughter. But this just feels like some sick joke. And I am scared because this is the most emotional I have been since getting sober just over 2 weeks ago. I feel like I am being tested.
Anyway, I came home tonight and my daughter was acting funny. Just sitting on the couch staring at the wall while I made dinner. Just as I finished she called me in to tell me she needed to tell me something. That’s when she explained what happened. And that the district attorney called her today and she has to testify in front of the grand jury on my birthday next month. We sat on the couch and hugged and cried for 30 minutes.
I wanted to drink. I wanted to get high. I wanted to go hunt this guy down and do unthinkable things to him. But I called my good friend who is sober and we went on a walk. And now I am on here venting.
I am not going to use. I need to be here for my daughter. But this just feels like some sick joke. And I am scared because this is the most emotional I have been since getting sober just over 2 weeks ago. I feel like I am being tested.
Keep up the good work.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Paige, I just want to give you my fullest support. Your posts show how determined you are to be there for your daughter, sober and with her all the way through this. I hope your daughter, and you, have people around you to help you and give you the support you need.
From my limited experience dealing with issues like this, there is most healing for all involved when the community comes together and supports each other. Lean on them too for support.
Much love.
From my limited experience dealing with issues like this, there is most healing for all involved when the community comes together and supports each other. Lean on them too for support.
Much love.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 2,229
Big hugs to you Paige. And to your daughter. My heart goes out to you. I had a serious problem with my son last year when I was four months sober and I ended up relapsing. It was just too much for me.
It's not about you, but in a way, it is. This is a huge thing for you to deal with. It's huge for any parent, but it's especially hard for you right now because of your early sobriety.
I hope you can get all the support you can possibly find. I will certainly be here for you, and I know the rest of SR will be, too. I hope you can get some face to face time with people, too. Friends or counselor or family or hopefully all of that.
Hang in there, we are all here for you!
It's not about you, but in a way, it is. This is a huge thing for you to deal with. It's huge for any parent, but it's especially hard for you right now because of your early sobriety.
I hope you can get all the support you can possibly find. I will certainly be here for you, and I know the rest of SR will be, too. I hope you can get some face to face time with people, too. Friends or counselor or family or hopefully all of that.
Hang in there, we are all here for you!
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