Getting there but it is not easy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Getting there but it is not easy
O.K there are so many of you that are so far ahead of where I am but once were in my shoes. My husband & I are still living together but we met last night at Starbucks so we could try to have an adult conversation about our next steps. I told my husband I wanted him to get into a program or it was time to separate. We went back & forth for an hour as he shared how I am not a wife to him & in the end we agreed the only thing to do was to separate. But my husband says & does things to see my reaction & I am done playing games. We are not in high school. He left early for work & as I was home getting ready to go to work he texted me asking what our decision was yesterday. I know my husband does not want us to separate but he is not ready to quit so I need to be the strong one & move forward with this separation. I texted my husband back he needed to get in a program or move out. His response was:
Totally agree with you on almost all the things you say. The one hang up that I have is that it's all about what you want. You make the rules for what is going to happen, and I need to fall in line with all that. You should know by now that will never work. Like I said before, the only thing that I'm looking for is closeness to you and to have a wife/husband relationship. Why is that so hard to Do? I've gone through really hard times and tried to do my best to be who you want, but it's just never enough. I'm going to look into rehab again, because it effects my work as well as us. You need to look at yourself and wonder why you are so resistant to giving me what I want.
It is hard for me to accept he just does not get what his drinking has done to me as his wife over the years. I have not replied & I am sure most of you would say there is nothing left to say but it is so hard that he still wants to turn this all on me. Not sure how I can feel like such a strong person but his replies have me doubting have I done all I can. I do know I am sticking with him getting in a program or moving out so I know I have made progress but it does not make it any easier.
Totally agree with you on almost all the things you say. The one hang up that I have is that it's all about what you want. You make the rules for what is going to happen, and I need to fall in line with all that. You should know by now that will never work. Like I said before, the only thing that I'm looking for is closeness to you and to have a wife/husband relationship. Why is that so hard to Do? I've gone through really hard times and tried to do my best to be who you want, but it's just never enough. I'm going to look into rehab again, because it effects my work as well as us. You need to look at yourself and wonder why you are so resistant to giving me what I want.
It is hard for me to accept he just does not get what his drinking has done to me as his wife over the years. I have not replied & I am sure most of you would say there is nothing left to say but it is so hard that he still wants to turn this all on me. Not sure how I can feel like such a strong person but his replies have me doubting have I done all I can. I do know I am sticking with him getting in a program or moving out so I know I have made progress but it does not make it any easier.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stacy......I dare say that every person on this forum knows how hard it is. I know that I do.
Of course he has to turn it all on you. He needs to do that---if he didn't who would he blame? Himself? lol....ain't no alcoholic going to do that, until they have committed to sobriety….
You will never be able to wrap your head around how his brain works...because your brain is different. If your brain was the same as his...you would be drinking right with him....
There comes a time, if your self conservation instincts kicks in, and you just have to do what you know you have to do. No matter how much you dislike doing it.....
It is taking your power back.....
Of course he has to turn it all on you. He needs to do that---if he didn't who would he blame? Himself? lol....ain't no alcoholic going to do that, until they have committed to sobriety….
You will never be able to wrap your head around how his brain works...because your brain is different. If your brain was the same as his...you would be drinking right with him....
There comes a time, if your self conservation instincts kicks in, and you just have to do what you know you have to do. No matter how much you dislike doing it.....
It is taking your power back.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
I agree, you will have to do with what you have to do. I will just say don't doubt yourself. My soon to be X said the same thing when I filed for divorce...that I gave up to easy, I didn't work on our marriage, I really didn't care...yada yada yada. Looking back now, I never had a chance in that marriage and glad to be out of there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
My STBAXH still to this day tries to blame me for our marriage failing. I would take it to heart at first but then I thought to myself if he never had a drinking problem our marriage would have most likely made it. All the fights, money problems, lies, cheating was centered around his alcoholism. Our marriage was doomed for failure as long as he kept drinking. There would have been nothing I could do alone to save it.
I am learning that alcoholics will always deflect from their problem and pick on someone else to draw attention away from the true problem which is their drinking. As hard as it is try not to take what he is saying to heart (it's super hard I know). Focus on you and what you need to be in a peaceful place. If that requires separation then so be it. Start taking care you : )
I am learning that alcoholics will always deflect from their problem and pick on someone else to draw attention away from the true problem which is their drinking. As hard as it is try not to take what he is saying to heart (it's super hard I know). Focus on you and what you need to be in a peaceful place. If that requires separation then so be it. Start taking care you : )
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Stacy, similar words came out of my XAH's mouth many times, too. It was like somehow his continuing to drink and lie was all about him being true to himself, showing his independence from me, the demanding and domineering wife who had the audacity to be unhappy w/being lied to, stolen from, ignored and gaslighted.
He even tried to explain to me on a couple of occasions how he couldn't agree w/me on things b/c doing so would make him a "yes ma'am" and he didn't want that. It wasn't that he necessarily truly felt or thought differently from me--he simply didn't want to agree just for the sake of not agreeing.
I've heard it said that A's are sometimes thought to be "stuck" at the age they were when they first started drinking. XAH started as a teen, and to me, those ways of showing independence and defiance are totally those of a teen.
But you know, I didn't marry him b/c I wanted to live w/a teen who'd never grow up and who had all the power of an adult to cause damage to me and my life...
Anyway, that text from your AH sure sounded familiar to me!
He even tried to explain to me on a couple of occasions how he couldn't agree w/me on things b/c doing so would make him a "yes ma'am" and he didn't want that. It wasn't that he necessarily truly felt or thought differently from me--he simply didn't want to agree just for the sake of not agreeing.
I've heard it said that A's are sometimes thought to be "stuck" at the age they were when they first started drinking. XAH started as a teen, and to me, those ways of showing independence and defiance are totally those of a teen.
But you know, I didn't marry him b/c I wanted to live w/a teen who'd never grow up and who had all the power of an adult to cause damage to me and my life...
Anyway, that text from your AH sure sounded familiar to me!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
His manipulation with words is intended to cause you doubt, question yourself and stop the push for him to move out because NOW he SAYS he’s GONNA look into rehab AGAIN.
You’ve already made up your mind that you will stick with him based on him using the words “I’m going to look into rehab again, because it effects my work as well as us”.
Actions are what matter and are what count, not words. Wait and see because more is going to be revealed.
You’ve already made up your mind that you will stick with him based on him using the words “I’m going to look into rehab again, because it effects my work as well as us”.
Actions are what matter and are what count, not words. Wait and see because more is going to be revealed.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
When I read that text from your husband I see a whole lot of "me, me, me"... even when he is talking about you, it is about HIM. Nowhere in that text do I see him validating any of YOUR feelings.
People in healthy adult relationships care about each other's needs, not just how every thing affects them.
He may have one point though, and I do not know your story well enough to be sure.... but basically, I hear him say you are trying to enforce your rules on him. You may want to consider setting boundaries for yourself rather then dictating to him how he has to live. It takes a bit of practice but it is a much easier and less stressful way to live.
It is 100% valid that you want the kind of partner you want in your marriage, but that doesn't mean that he has to conform to that...
I know this is tough stuff. I was with my XAH for 26yrs before I decided he would never be the kind of mate I needed a life partner to be. He didn't want to change but I found his lifestyle and life choices unacceptable. We were no longer compatible and it was toxic for us, in our situation, to be anywhere near each other. It broke all our hearts, but I had to leave him to get healthy.
Life is hard enough, but throw in an addict and it gets downright brutal.
Wishing for your strength and clarity as you navigate the chaos, no matter what you decide to do.
*hugs*
People in healthy adult relationships care about each other's needs, not just how every thing affects them.
He may have one point though, and I do not know your story well enough to be sure.... but basically, I hear him say you are trying to enforce your rules on him. You may want to consider setting boundaries for yourself rather then dictating to him how he has to live. It takes a bit of practice but it is a much easier and less stressful way to live.
It is 100% valid that you want the kind of partner you want in your marriage, but that doesn't mean that he has to conform to that...
I know this is tough stuff. I was with my XAH for 26yrs before I decided he would never be the kind of mate I needed a life partner to be. He didn't want to change but I found his lifestyle and life choices unacceptable. We were no longer compatible and it was toxic for us, in our situation, to be anywhere near each other. It broke all our hearts, but I had to leave him to get healthy.
Life is hard enough, but throw in an addict and it gets downright brutal.
Wishing for your strength and clarity as you navigate the chaos, no matter what you decide to do.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
I am in a similar situation. My 7 month sober AH and I still live together and it is very rough to say the least.
I also know there is a lot of truth in the words “more will be revealed”. In my case my husband and I had slowly started to do stuff together again; during this time he still displayed disrespect toward me and I ignored the red flags AGAIN! How could I be so stupid?
Last week more was revealed in that I found out he is on an online dating site.
Everything, and I mean everything is blamed on me. He is a master manipulator and has been gas lighting since day one. I am surprised I held onto ANY of my sanity!
Well I am sane now and trying to get myself where I need to be! And stop reacting to him.
Good luck, ultimately it is your decision to go or stay but don’t make it a reaction is what I would suggest. What do YOU need to be happy and at peace? Once that’s identified then go after it!
I also know there is a lot of truth in the words “more will be revealed”. In my case my husband and I had slowly started to do stuff together again; during this time he still displayed disrespect toward me and I ignored the red flags AGAIN! How could I be so stupid?
Last week more was revealed in that I found out he is on an online dating site.
Everything, and I mean everything is blamed on me. He is a master manipulator and has been gas lighting since day one. I am surprised I held onto ANY of my sanity!
Well I am sane now and trying to get myself where I need to be! And stop reacting to him.
Good luck, ultimately it is your decision to go or stay but don’t make it a reaction is what I would suggest. What do YOU need to be happy and at peace? Once that’s identified then go after it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
I cannot thank all of you enough for your replies! I feel so strong when I am at work or alone at home with the kids but I have doubt if I have done everything when my husband sends me a message like the one he sent me today:
What about what I want? I'm trying to point out that none of this helps me or makes me want to be different than the sad thing that I've become. I literally am just trying to be closer to you and you won't let that happen. I understand that my drinking gets in the way of that, but you don't seem to have a want to be closer to me.
Now I know he is manipulative & I know my husband is also scared of losing me but not ready to quit & we have been on this hamster wheel for 2 years & I cannot wait for when he is ready anymore. He acts like a day together would fix us & I know he is looking for happiness for a day where I am looking big picture, happiness for the future. So do you ignore these messages? Do you reply with short responses such as if you are not ready to quit I want to separate. I know I have to remind myself like dandylion said that I am not going to be able to wrap my heard around how his brain works but it is so hard.
What about what I want? I'm trying to point out that none of this helps me or makes me want to be different than the sad thing that I've become. I literally am just trying to be closer to you and you won't let that happen. I understand that my drinking gets in the way of that, but you don't seem to have a want to be closer to me.
Now I know he is manipulative & I know my husband is also scared of losing me but not ready to quit & we have been on this hamster wheel for 2 years & I cannot wait for when he is ready anymore. He acts like a day together would fix us & I know he is looking for happiness for a day where I am looking big picture, happiness for the future. So do you ignore these messages? Do you reply with short responses such as if you are not ready to quit I want to separate. I know I have to remind myself like dandylion said that I am not going to be able to wrap my heard around how his brain works but it is so hard.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My first boundary with my (ex)husband was:
" I will not engage with him when he has been drinking"
That eventually morphed into:
"I will not live with an active alcoholic"
He knew what my boundaries were, he kept crossing them...until I decided that wasn't acceptable. He wanted to drink, I didn't want a drunk husband. There was no way we could have a healthy marriage with that fundamental difference between us.
It is understandable you don't want to spend time being close to someone who doesn't seem to respect what you want from a relationship. I imagine your husband isn't healthy enough in his mindset right now to understand that.
If I were in your shoes I would be tempted to answer a text like that with my explanations.... however, I have learned, that I can talk until I'm blue in the face or type until my fingers fall off... but I'm never going to be able to have an active addict understand or CARE about what I am saying, especially not if it contradicts what they want to hear.
It's so exhausting dealing with alcoholics. Hang in there!
" I will not engage with him when he has been drinking"
That eventually morphed into:
"I will not live with an active alcoholic"
He knew what my boundaries were, he kept crossing them...until I decided that wasn't acceptable. He wanted to drink, I didn't want a drunk husband. There was no way we could have a healthy marriage with that fundamental difference between us.
It is understandable you don't want to spend time being close to someone who doesn't seem to respect what you want from a relationship. I imagine your husband isn't healthy enough in his mindset right now to understand that.
If I were in your shoes I would be tempted to answer a text like that with my explanations.... however, I have learned, that I can talk until I'm blue in the face or type until my fingers fall off... but I'm never going to be able to have an active addict understand or CARE about what I am saying, especially not if it contradicts what they want to hear.
It's so exhausting dealing with alcoholics. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Stacy,
My axh used to say that he accepted me for who I was, why was I always trying to change him. I "never" loved him for who he was. Really, an abusive, mean alcoholic/addict?
Your husband can talk till he is blue in the face, nothing will change. He is showing you that he is happy with who he is, you are not happy with who he is. It is not his problem to fix. What are you going to do for you?
My axh used to say that he accepted me for who I was, why was I always trying to change him. I "never" loved him for who he was. Really, an abusive, mean alcoholic/addict?
Your husband can talk till he is blue in the face, nothing will change. He is showing you that he is happy with who he is, you are not happy with who he is. It is not his problem to fix. What are you going to do for you?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
It's really good for me to see such similar words. My husband wasn't original in defending his illness or in attacking me while at the same time saying he loves me. I really relate to the translation I've heard here at SR of "I love you" means "you put up with my crap".
I did.
Now, one day at a time, I keep moving forward, getting out of my comfort zone and taking new, healthy actions.
I did.
Now, one day at a time, I keep moving forward, getting out of my comfort zone and taking new, healthy actions.
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