Please help, need to make important decision.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Please help, need to make important decision.
My ex is downward spiraling very quickly. He's been drinking for a solid two months now and lost his job and is about to be kicked out of his place. He's basically lost. A friend called for a welfare check on him and he must have been able to appear ok because they didn't take him in,
I have a criminal protective order because he got drunk last May and threatened me. He isn't a U.S. citizen and his family is all in the U.K. He has been calling me every day, this morning at 4 AM, saying mostly unintelligible things . He's not supposed to contact me other than peacefully re: the kids. He's not seeing the kids, though, so he shouldn't be contacting me. If I block him, he calls my office.
If I turn him in for violating the protective order, they will likely arrest him and he will probably end up deported. I feel SO MUCH GUILT because if I do that, my boys will never see their dad, and he'll probably go home to England and drink himself to death. Or he'll get beat up in jail here and die. That's all I can think about.
My parents died in a murder-suicide last year and I have PTSD from that already. I am worried that living in this constant stress and fear is bad for me but I am also worried about the boys losing their dad. They miss him already. What if he dies too? Will I feel responsible for turning him in? When sober he is not like this, but he's gone - this isn't him. It's just so hard to make the call I need to make. UGGGHHH. Yes, I am in therapy and it's helped me detach, but this is a huge decision and terrible position to be in.
I have a criminal protective order because he got drunk last May and threatened me. He isn't a U.S. citizen and his family is all in the U.K. He has been calling me every day, this morning at 4 AM, saying mostly unintelligible things . He's not supposed to contact me other than peacefully re: the kids. He's not seeing the kids, though, so he shouldn't be contacting me. If I block him, he calls my office.
If I turn him in for violating the protective order, they will likely arrest him and he will probably end up deported. I feel SO MUCH GUILT because if I do that, my boys will never see their dad, and he'll probably go home to England and drink himself to death. Or he'll get beat up in jail here and die. That's all I can think about.
My parents died in a murder-suicide last year and I have PTSD from that already. I am worried that living in this constant stress and fear is bad for me but I am also worried about the boys losing their dad. They miss him already. What if he dies too? Will I feel responsible for turning him in? When sober he is not like this, but he's gone - this isn't him. It's just so hard to make the call I need to make. UGGGHHH. Yes, I am in therapy and it's helped me detach, but this is a huge decision and terrible position to be in.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Emmy, yes, a terrible position to be in.
The protective order is in place to protect you. You talk about your ex and protecting him but perhaps that is skewed a bit?
You need to protect yourself and your children from him. That's it, that's the extent of your responsibility, in my opinion.
Also, you seem to be looking at all the catastrophes of him possibly being deported etc. Is he here illegally or on a green card? If he has some legal status he might not even be deported, but suppose he was. Does he have family in England? Maybe being deported would be the best thing for him, it's impossible to know. Also, deportations take time, they don't just charge them and throw them out of the country.
Enforce your protective order, you deserve some peace in your life.
You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
The protective order is in place to protect you. You talk about your ex and protecting him but perhaps that is skewed a bit?
You need to protect yourself and your children from him. That's it, that's the extent of your responsibility, in my opinion.
Also, you seem to be looking at all the catastrophes of him possibly being deported etc. Is he here illegally or on a green card? If he has some legal status he might not even be deported, but suppose he was. Does he have family in England? Maybe being deported would be the best thing for him, it's impossible to know. Also, deportations take time, they don't just charge them and throw them out of the country.
Enforce your protective order, you deserve some peace in your life.
You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Hi Emmy,
I had to call in on a restraining order and he was arrested. He was cycled in and out of the jail within three hours. We went to court this past week and I made a plea agreement through the DA that got him help for his drinking. On the day he was arrested I wanted him in jail. When I saw him waiting for court, he looked so bad that I couldn’t demand jail time. The DA asked if I would consider a plea agreement so we talked and I got what I wanted, part of which was that he was sent to treatment.
He won’t necessarily “go to jail” right away, or ever. It depends on a lot of things and in my state it was about this being his first hard violation, him keeping his job, and my input as well. Would he be sent for counseling? Maybe? Get probation? Maybe. Get a fine? Maybe.
Make the call. He is violating the order. If you allow him to chip away at it now, when he does come with more serious intent, you will be asked why you didn’t call previously.
Best to you.
I had to call in on a restraining order and he was arrested. He was cycled in and out of the jail within three hours. We went to court this past week and I made a plea agreement through the DA that got him help for his drinking. On the day he was arrested I wanted him in jail. When I saw him waiting for court, he looked so bad that I couldn’t demand jail time. The DA asked if I would consider a plea agreement so we talked and I got what I wanted, part of which was that he was sent to treatment.
He won’t necessarily “go to jail” right away, or ever. It depends on a lot of things and in my state it was about this being his first hard violation, him keeping his job, and my input as well. Would he be sent for counseling? Maybe? Get probation? Maybe. Get a fine? Maybe.
Make the call. He is violating the order. If you allow him to chip away at it now, when he does come with more serious intent, you will be asked why you didn’t call previously.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I completely agree with trailmix.
Protect yourself and your boys. Your ex's consequences are the results of his own choices & actions, not yours. You aren't punishing him by protecting yourself. I know it won't be easy on the boys but none of this has been, has it?
Protect yourself and your boys. Your ex's consequences are the results of his own choices & actions, not yours. You aren't punishing him by protecting yourself. I know it won't be easy on the boys but none of this has been, has it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by Leelee168 
Hi Emmy,
I had to call in on a restraining order and he was arrested. He was cycled in and out of the jail within three hours. We went to court this past week and I made a plea agreement through the DA that got him help for his drinking. On the day he was arrested I wanted him in jail. When I saw him waiting for court, he looked so bad that I couldn’t demand jail time. The DA asked if I would consider a plea agreement so we talked and I got what I wanted, part of which was that he was sent to treatment.
He won’t necessarily “go to jail” right away, or ever. It depends on a lot of things and in my state it was about this being his first hard violation, him keeping his job, and my input as well. Would he be sent for counseling? Maybe? Get probation? Maybe. Get a fine? Maybe.
Make the call. He is violating the order. If you allow him to chip away at it now, when he does come with more serious intent, you will be asked why you didn’t call previously.
Best to you.
I had to call in on a restraining order and he was arrested. He was cycled in and out of the jail within three hours. We went to court this past week and I made a plea agreement through the DA that got him help for his drinking. On the day he was arrested I wanted him in jail. When I saw him waiting for court, he looked so bad that I couldn’t demand jail time. The DA asked if I would consider a plea agreement so we talked and I got what I wanted, part of which was that he was sent to treatment.
He won’t necessarily “go to jail” right away, or ever. It depends on a lot of things and in my state it was about this being his first hard violation, him keeping his job, and my input as well. Would he be sent for counseling? Maybe? Get probation? Maybe. Get a fine? Maybe.
Make the call. He is violating the order. If you allow him to chip away at it now, when he does come with more serious intent, you will be asked why you didn’t call previously.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
EmmyG, this reads like a tough time for ya. not much to say other than my own experience:
NOONE was responsible for the trouble i created for myself but ME.
NOONE tilted my elbow or made me drink.i did that on my own.
NOONE forced me to break the law. i did that on my own.
NOONE caused me to end up in jail. i did that on my own.
NOONE could have ANY action that was going to help me until i was ready for help.
NOONE knew when that time would come nor were they capable of making it happen any sooner.
there came a time i had to face the consequences of my actions. that day came the morning after my last drunk- my (by then ex- i just hadnt been informed yet) tossed me to the curb.
it was the best move she made for her own sake. if she didnt do that, i was going to keep dragging her down with me.
please dont allow him to drag you down further.
also- you are NOT responsible for the condition your EX is in. that is all on him.
the PTSD has to be very difficult to contend with, but please dont let what happened in the past control your actions today.
you didnt cause youre exes problems.
you cant control them.
you cant cure them.
something to think about on this:
... because if I do that, my boys will never see their dad,
do they see him as is?do they see him sober,clear headed, and being a responsible father?
NOONE was responsible for the trouble i created for myself but ME.
NOONE tilted my elbow or made me drink.i did that on my own.
NOONE forced me to break the law. i did that on my own.
NOONE caused me to end up in jail. i did that on my own.
NOONE could have ANY action that was going to help me until i was ready for help.
NOONE knew when that time would come nor were they capable of making it happen any sooner.
there came a time i had to face the consequences of my actions. that day came the morning after my last drunk- my (by then ex- i just hadnt been informed yet) tossed me to the curb.
it was the best move she made for her own sake. if she didnt do that, i was going to keep dragging her down with me.
please dont allow him to drag you down further.
also- you are NOT responsible for the condition your EX is in. that is all on him.
the PTSD has to be very difficult to contend with, but please dont let what happened in the past control your actions today.
you didnt cause youre exes problems.
you cant control them.
you cant cure them.
something to think about on this:
... because if I do that, my boys will never see their dad,
do they see him as is?do they see him sober,clear headed, and being a responsible father?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by tomsteve
EmmyG, this reads like a tough time for ya. not much to say other than my own experience:
NOONE was responsible for the trouble i created for myself but ME.
NOONE tilted my elbow or made me drink.i did that on my own.
NOONE forced me to break the law. i did that on my own.
NOONE caused me to end up in jail. i did that on my own.
NOONE could have ANY action that was going to help me until i was ready for help.
NOONE knew when that time would come nor were they capable of making it happen any sooner.
there came a time i had to face the consequences of my actions. that day came the morning after my last drunk- my (by then ex- i just hadnt been informed yet) tossed me to the curb.
it was the best move she made for her own sake. if she didnt do that, i was going to keep dragging her down with me.
please dont allow him to drag you down further.
also- you are NOT responsible for the condition your EX is in. that is all on him.
the PTSD has to be very difficult to contend with, but please dont let what happened in the past control your actions today.
you didnt cause youre exes problems.
you cant control them.
you cant cure them.
something to think about on this:
... because if I do that, my boys will never see their dad,
do they see him as is?do they see him sober,clear headed, and being a responsible father?
NOONE was responsible for the trouble i created for myself but ME.
NOONE tilted my elbow or made me drink.i did that on my own.
NOONE forced me to break the law. i did that on my own.
NOONE caused me to end up in jail. i did that on my own.
NOONE could have ANY action that was going to help me until i was ready for help.
NOONE knew when that time would come nor were they capable of making it happen any sooner.
there came a time i had to face the consequences of my actions. that day came the morning after my last drunk- my (by then ex- i just hadnt been informed yet) tossed me to the curb.
it was the best move she made for her own sake. if she didnt do that, i was going to keep dragging her down with me.
please dont allow him to drag you down further.
also- you are NOT responsible for the condition your EX is in. that is all on him.
the PTSD has to be very difficult to contend with, but please dont let what happened in the past control your actions today.
you didnt cause youre exes problems.
you cant control them.
you cant cure them.
something to think about on this:
... because if I do that, my boys will never see their dad,
do they see him as is?do they see him sober,clear headed, and being a responsible father?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Emmy...go back to the three C's. You did not cause this, you cannot control this, and you surely cannot CURE this. You cannot force him into treatment. The reality is that this choice he is making may kill him. It's awful, but it's true. You cannot control that either.
What you can do is keep you and your children safe. His behavior is scary. I am so sorry to say all of this because I know what you just went through, and I cannot imagine how hard this has to be.
I think enforcing the no contact would be best, this is not yours to deal with. Does his family realize how bad of shape he is in? My last thought it that if he does go to jail that may be what he needs. He would at least be safe.
What you can do is keep you and your children safe. His behavior is scary. I am so sorry to say all of this because I know what you just went through, and I cannot imagine how hard this has to be.
I think enforcing the no contact would be best, this is not yours to deal with. Does his family realize how bad of shape he is in? My last thought it that if he does go to jail that may be what he needs. He would at least be safe.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
The most important responsibility you
have to deal with is to take care of yourself
and your children first and foremost. Your
safety and peace of mind is soooo important.
If I were in your shoes I would have to
pray for him because he is sick and place
him in God's hands which takes all the
worry off your shoulders.
It is not your responsibility to keep him
from destroying himself because of his
addiction. It's not your job.
However, if he threatens you then
by all mean do whatever it takes to
protect you and your loved ones.
Stay strong with love, care, strength
and guidance from Above and thru
the fellowship and friendships within SR.
have to deal with is to take care of yourself
and your children first and foremost. Your
safety and peace of mind is soooo important.
If I were in your shoes I would have to
pray for him because he is sick and place
him in God's hands which takes all the
worry off your shoulders.
It is not your responsibility to keep him
from destroying himself because of his
addiction. It's not your job.
However, if he threatens you then
by all mean do whatever it takes to
protect you and your loved ones.
Stay strong with love, care, strength
and guidance from Above and thru
the fellowship and friendships within SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Emmy,
Have you ever thought that this could be his rock bottom? Instead of letting him do what he isn't suppose to be doing, again, you are making him take accountability for his actions. Us enablers are always trying to help our addicts, and this is not helping him at all. You have an order of protection, follow the law and take care of you and your boys.
I am sorry, these are tough decisions, but maybe, just maybe this might get him sober. Sending hugs and strength to you and your kiddos!!
Have you ever thought that this could be his rock bottom? Instead of letting him do what he isn't suppose to be doing, again, you are making him take accountability for his actions. Us enablers are always trying to help our addicts, and this is not helping him at all. You have an order of protection, follow the law and take care of you and your boys.
I am sorry, these are tough decisions, but maybe, just maybe this might get him sober. Sending hugs and strength to you and your kiddos!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1
Hi Emmy,
I started my journey with my AH at around the same time you did. Although I never posted here, I always read and followed your posts closely because your story was so similar to mine (I live in Southern California, I've got 2 boys, etc). Our paths went different ways, however. I stayed and you left. My AH has gone through many periods of sobriety, just like yours (this last one lasting about a year - similar to your ex's 7 months). But the inevitable happened, and he is currently on a bad bender. I came back here because I was feeling the way you are currently feeling - at a crossroads - wondering what I should do. I was shocked to see you are still here! And I was even more shocked to see you are still going through such hardships!!!! My plan was to file for divorce (because I don't want to go through these hardships anymore), but after reading your posts, I realized even divorce will not make you immune to the damage done by an alcoholic. I have 2 boys too, so I know what it feels like to want to protect them from pain. That's why you want to help your ex: for your kids. But I now see you can't protect them from the pain. It's part of their journey. All you can do is be there for them, to help them understand life's hardships. With your help, they will be stronger. After getting through this, they will be able to get through ANYTHING. You are an amazing example of strength. Don't let anything stop you (including your ex)! Just want to send you hugs and let you know you are not alone.
I started my journey with my AH at around the same time you did. Although I never posted here, I always read and followed your posts closely because your story was so similar to mine (I live in Southern California, I've got 2 boys, etc). Our paths went different ways, however. I stayed and you left. My AH has gone through many periods of sobriety, just like yours (this last one lasting about a year - similar to your ex's 7 months). But the inevitable happened, and he is currently on a bad bender. I came back here because I was feeling the way you are currently feeling - at a crossroads - wondering what I should do. I was shocked to see you are still here! And I was even more shocked to see you are still going through such hardships!!!! My plan was to file for divorce (because I don't want to go through these hardships anymore), but after reading your posts, I realized even divorce will not make you immune to the damage done by an alcoholic. I have 2 boys too, so I know what it feels like to want to protect them from pain. That's why you want to help your ex: for your kids. But I now see you can't protect them from the pain. It's part of their journey. All you can do is be there for them, to help them understand life's hardships. With your help, they will be stronger. After getting through this, they will be able to get through ANYTHING. You are an amazing example of strength. Don't let anything stop you (including your ex)! Just want to send you hugs and let you know you are not alone.
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