RoyalBlue

I finally learned and understood my active xAH when married to him and learned there was nothing I could do to change him, only I could change and I did just that and left.
This is a little different territory for me because my SO isn't actively drinking only displaying behaviors that are warning signs. I'm finding myself walking on eggshells and I don't like it one bit. What are some strategies to NOT walk on those eggshells? I want to feel normal again and want to deal with this in a healthy productive manner.

atalose

I don’t see a difference territory at all, someone else’s behaviors are making you uncomfortable and anxious to the point where you feel you need to tip toe around walking on egg shells stuffing your own feelings and needs along the way.

Sounds to me like you need to repeat how you fixed that same situation with your xah.

Mamapajama

I would suggest that you walking on eggshells is your body warning you that something is not right. Just listen to it and follow your instincts

RoyalBlue

With this being a first offense, my lack of self care, too, being part of my problem, I think I need to give some grace and watch to see if he goes back to AA before I jump ship after 3 yrs. If this became the norm I couldn’t deal with it, but he told me this morning he will be going to a meeting and then again to his ARM group Saturday.
I’ve been reading this morning and know I have some fault because I relaxed, quit going to meetings for my own preservation, and haven’t set boundaries — something I would know how to do if I hadn’t quit going to Alanon. I think boundary setting when he behaves in a way that causes me to tip-toe would be helpful, but I don’t have this skill in my toolbox. I didn’t learn how to do this when I was married and still don’t know how.

dandylion

RoyalBlue…...learning certain techniques such as how to detach can help you to become less entangled with his behaviors....and working on your self esteem, and self awareness will help you.....
But, keep in mind, that it will not change his behaviors that are tied to his own pathology.....that is in his hands....
Your job will be to decide what you are willing to live with and what you are not....

RoyalBlue

Another skill not in my toolbox. Detaching from my ex was in the form of divorce.

trailmix

Detaching is really only a temporary measure - a coping skill. Who wants to be in a marriage where you are continually detached? So perhaps your decision was right for you.

In your current situation, you have seen your SO in recovery and while he is now not acting like someone in recovery you are willing to give him a chance to pull up his boot straps. That's not a bad thing, but again, detaching will help you maintain your self-esteem (as Dandylion mentioned) and confidence but it's not a long term solution.

RoyalBlue

I'm going to stay on my side of the street and work on me. I can't go wrong with that strategy.

hopeful4

Sounds like the perfect strategy to me!

maia1234

RB,
Do you really want to go through this again?
Hugs!!