Mamapajama

So my ah and I have been together for 18 years, married for 13. We have 7 year old triplets.

Ever since my kids were born I feel like I’ve been stuck in a never-ending nightmare. We got along great before kids but I realize that it was only because I didn’t ask much from him. I believed him that every job he lost was because of some ******* boss and not him. I was naive and in denial.

I had no clue that not only would he not help me with the kids or house at all, he would be offended that I even ask him to. I didn’t realize he had a ‘not my problem’ attitude with anything that wasn’t directly affecting him personally.

I believed him that I was lacking in the good Mom/housewife area. I needed to “grow up and figure things out myself” because he does SO much and works SO hard that my day is a cakewalk compared to him.

This spring, his mom got some (then) unknown illness. She became extremely lethargic and her doctors told her nothing was wrong. One day she called me and sounded like she had a mouth full of marbles. She could barely speak and told me she was so scared, then asked to speak with her son (ah). She asked him to go visit her that day as she was scared. He was ‘working from home’ (he wasn’t doing ****) and proceeded to tell her she “needs to relax and stop worrying so much” so basically says it’s in her head and doesn’t go see her. I was floored. Clearly she was very sick.

She went into icu 2 days later and at one point was given her last rites. Thankfully they figured out it was thyroid and she’s better now. I couldn’t get his reaction out of my head. He obviously can’t be counted on.

This month I had my one girls overnight I take 1x every other year. It was fun/fine. The next day my son told me that he woke up in the middle of the night because he was sick. He said “I couldn’t find daddy anywhere. He wasn’t here and I was scared. It was dark”. There was a party a couple houses down that my ah decided to go to while the kids were sleeping.

I was FURIOUS!! The ONE night I am not there, all he had to do was stay. He couldn’t be bothered to manage that! His reaction when I confronted him? I ruined his “fun weekend!” Apparently I’m not “being nice”. I know that if I were to bring it up now. I would get told “I apologized!! Let it go!!” When he did not apologize or even show any remorse for the whole thing.

That’s the last straw- at this point I don’t care if he feels bad but won’t admit it. The point is he did it, and will continue to disappoint everyone around him. He thinks he should be judged on his intentions and not actions. Enough! My kids and I deserve better!

Jokes on him too. His refusal to participate in any way in our home life have made me more than confidant in my ability to handle everything myself.

At one point I would’ve been so forgiving if he just once admitted he messed up. He doesn’t though. Whenever he is given feedback that he doesn’t like, it’s dismissed.

He has ridiculed his best friend for his alcoholism. Said he has no will power. Shown no empathy for his brother who has no money and job. He does this with such arrogance that others close to him notice it as well.

Being that my family is well off financially and have helped us over the years, I realize I completely enable this entitled monster who deserves none of it.

I don’t feel bad for him at all anymore. He thinks that getting a job is going to make everything go back to the way it was, and it’s not. My kids deserve better, as do I.

My eyes are opened now-

alwayscovering

I am so sorry you're going through this. My AH does some of the same things. He dismisses anything I say that he doesn't agree with or doesn't want to hear. He also does NOTHING around the house. I even do the yard work now. I'm new to trying to recover myself so I have no advice except hugs and prayers for you and your family.

dandylion

Mamapajama…..his type doesn't change. There must be more than the alcoholism, itself, going on with him.
You might appreciate some of the presentations of Ross Rosenberg, on YouTube......

CCL

Mama, I totally agree w/Dandylion. My first husband could be completely selfish and inconsiderate if something needed to be done that interfered with his desires. He actually didn't have any problems with substance abuse (at least conventionally by these forums) but he was a severe shop-a-holic who "considered" himself a "collector". Yes, this extended to being a half a**ed father.

So he's probably a jerk, drunk or sober. He's toxic, shake him off (especially since money isn't such an issue). I stayed a lot longer with my ex (years) after my eyes were opened strictly because there wasn't money to support my son and I after a divorce.

Mamapajama

Yes he definitely has narcissistic traits. We are all extensions of him and not individual people. He won’t accept that other people have different views, wants, needs. When my son told me that dad made him eat something he repeatedly said he didn’t want. I knew exactly how he felt.

Ah- “try this meatball, it’s so good!”
Me- “no thanks, I’m not hungry”
Ah- “no really, it’s so good, you have to!”
Me-“no I don’t wa-“
Ah- shoves it in my mouth-

Boundaries? What are those?

dandylion

Mamapajama……"Boundaries? What are those?".....
I can't tell if you are being sarcastic or if you are really serious that you don't know what "boundaries" mean...…...

atalose

The thing about nightmare’s is that eventually we do wake up and it sounds like you are having an awakening. Sorry for what you brought you here but glad you found us.

Mamapajama

I was trying to be sarcastic/funny. I do admit I have let him overstep my boundaries all the time with little consequences. I feel I have had a major part in him feeling like he can get away with anything. No more!!

honeypig

The genie is out of the bottle, MamaPJ. You can't un-ring the bell, you can't un-see what you've seen, and you can't forget what you know in your heart. You're taking those first steps outside the cage...

trailmix

Good for you mamapajama!

One thing to keep in mind though and you probably already know this is expect no improvement.

People with this type of personality don't care and don't really understand your boundaries and the reaction (or non-reaction) will be negligible at best.

The only thing to watch out for is it might create a lot of anger, I'm sure you can handle that at this point just be sure to keep yourself safe.