clarity888

Well, it's been about a month from when I first posted about my situation. This place definitely helped. Long story short, my AH is in Intensive Outpatient Rehab the last four weeks. During that time I prepped for an exam which I finally took Friday. I had to compartmentalize worries from duties and never got to talk to my mother about what's going on in my house. Part of that was she took the last week to get her own medical stuff done out of town, so I did not want to stress her while she was dealing with that. She routinely gets that treatment done but it involves anesthesia and three nights away. Anyway, been going to Al Anon. I will have to speak to my mother soon, and won't be hiding what is going on here. However, I don't feel ready for her to share it with my siblings. Is that too much to ask; is that just me asking someone else to be sick with secrecy? The siblings live by her and she sees them and their kids all the time. I do try to keep my son involved by attending those birthday parties and by initiating gathering with his cousins at my mom's house. I make the effort to visit (it's two hours away) and have driven just me and my son up there many times. But I feel like the lack of closeness or efforts on my siblings' parts to travel here or stop in when they drive through my city means they aren't that interested in being "that close". Anyone else ever feel that way, or ask for this type of thing to be kept private at first? There was another time long ago when she shared something that should have been just between us as mother/daughter (the siblings are male). It's a weird family dynamic. I'm sure it's affected my marriage since I'm obviously affected by it. Ugh. Just needed to share; I guess I just have to decide what boundaries I need at this time. I just dread telling my mother about this; it's a hard thing to rehash the last 30 days.

Mango212

We are only sick as our secrets.

The honesty and honoring of our wounds and illnesses can be done in many ways. I no longer ask others to "don't tell". I pray. I talk to God/Great Spirit. I talk to people God puts in my path who understand.

Sometimes that's family members. Sometimes it's learning not to turn to certain family members for support. They don't know all the details, yet everyone in my family and extended family know the basics of us dealing with this family disease of alcoholism.

It's freeing to have no secrets in this.

I've asked for privacy before and had that immediately ignored. That gave me opportunities to step up recovery in new ways. It gave me a big push to take new actions of looking towards the good in life and following new paths.

Bernadette

Can you share in AlAnon about this?

It's like so many paradoxical things associated with loving an alcoholic. Not good to be paralyzed or isolated by shame and secrecy, but needing to do whatever we can to maintain our own peace of mind. And really only the individual knows what choice to make at the time....

I found strength through AlAnon to just stop being ashamed and stop taking on other people's possible shame or anger or misunderstanding when I chose to live in reality. But it still doesn't make it easy, it's all pretty uncomfortable!!

Remembering that there is no rush helps me too. If I am to heal and recover from codependence and my alcoholic loved ones are going to recover that is a long game, a lifelong living reality....
Peace,
B.

QuietlyTired

I appreciate the advice from others who say this topic is about overcoming shame and who cares if the world knows, but I think you also have to protect yourself from people who don’t really give a ****. No disrespect meant. My sister is also an alcoholic, as is my dh, and when she had confided in our aunt, our aunt ran and told the entire family who honestly did not care, but was just gossiping about her. It’s good to admit that you or your spouse has a problem, but I think it needs to be to people who won’t ridicule you as that has the potential to make the situation worse, it needs to be to people who have the potential to be supportive and actually care.

CarryOn

Do the next right thing for you. Think about who is in your support network and how/when you want to tell them. Don’t bother with people not in your support network. I believe it gets easier with each person you tell...like you are removing a layer of heavy things (the shame) that weighs you down.

Tell your mom as much as you like...maybe tell her you are not ready to share beyond her right now, and you appreciate her understanding & support. How she responds may help you determine the next right thing for you.

I told my mom first. She told my dad. Together we spoke with our priest. I told a few others, I had her tell others. I found different support from different people. One sibling has an A friend so we have very open discussions. One was close with my XAH, so seems to better understand my loss. The other doesn’t get it all.

It’s a good step to take...very freeing!

SmallButMighty

I think there is a big difference between secrecy and privacy.

Your life is your business, if you don't want to share what is happening with your siblings that is legitimate and should be respected.

I would hope that your mother would honor that.

My mother was shocked and hurt when she found out my exhusband and I had split. She did not know we were even having issues. I hadn't talked to her about the severity of our situation because in the past I had talked to her about some other things involving AXH's family and those things got back to me through relatives whom I had not told. When she asked me why I hadn't told her about the problems in our marriage, I told her it was because she had shared details of my life in the past and she had no right to do that. She could not help but accept that I had a right to protect my privacy since she had in the past violated my trust.

Families can be really tricky to deal with at times like this.

I do believe we are only as sick as our secrets... but I also don't believe we have to share them with everyone under the sun... and that includes family members we aren't close with. We should be able to let people know what we want them to know on OUR time.

just my 2 cents

atalose

I have a different take on this. It’s might very well be possible that your siblings are aware of your husbands drinking and they don’t care to be around him. Very often when we finally decide to open our own eyes and see what we see, other people’s eyes have already been opened to it.

Maybe where you see them as not caring or wanting to be close, is them not knowing what to do except to keep some distance.

Maybe when you talk to your mom you can ask that she not share your private talk and respect the time you need before you can tell them yourself. You might be surprised what could come out of a heart to heart talk with her.