Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Update
Hi SR. Figured I'd check in quick.
I'm approaching 5 months. Like, a little over a week from now I think. I don't really count days anymore.
Being sober continues to be worth everything. I get AV voices from time to time, but nothing close to serious or hard to recognize & manage.
I've been working with my outpatient therapist on a few things. It's hard but rewarding. There's a long road there I think. Learning to recognize various cognitive distortions and gain a bit more ability to steer my perspective on things in consistently constructive and self-compassionate directions is where the focus is at the moment. I am very hard on myself - often at my own detriment.
I'm learning a lot.
I still have the 600 pound gorilla of my conviction for OWI coming at me. Roughly 3 weeks. As it gets closer it gets harder to keep the need to control outcomes and what not at bay. While I have a decent amount of understanding of what's going to happen there are still a few details that can have a major impact on how things all shake out.
Big picture - like, when I shift my perspective outward to months vs. weeks or days - I'm in pretty damn good shape considering the circumstances. Owning the whole thing is about a lot more than some altruistic noble b.s. It's been necessary in order to have the conversations (with peeps like my attorney, people at corrections, etc.) to educate myself about what I'm facing, what my options are. Doing so has enabled me to make & execute a plan that - big picture - has me in the best case scenario to deal with all this in a way that will leave me plenty intact on the other side. By March of next year I'll be sprinting into my future instead of crawling through what's left of my life.
It's been a complete game changer for sure. My house sold a couple of weeks ago. Just about everything in my life is hugely different. And overwhelmingly the changes are positive.
I'm also finding that owning the process has brought a lot of help. My employer and my outpatient therapist are being crazy supportive - again more than just altruistically. They are both going to bat for me in a big way with the judge. I think they'll carry a lot of influence to help me.
Regardless of whether or not a person new to sobriety is facing legal issues or just the other crap & wreckage that alcohol and addiction sew I just want to communicate how imperative it is to own the situation. I think we can be greatly surprised just how much we can shape what seems like impossible circumstances. But I can't imagine trying to build a sane life while still mired in denial and excuse making. We've got to be accountable to ourselves in our sobriety.
Sure, it sucks sometimes. Just last week I had 3 days of raging self-pity, negativity, etc. It was greatly fueled by dealing with some new stuff that had my imminent conviction right in my face - I was also very tired. I don't sleep like normal human. But Thursday morning I woke up, the mood had passed, I felt human again and I went back to work on things.
Anywho. Enough for now. I'll try to post again before August 7th. But if something happens I don't it may be a bit before I post again.
I'm just ready to accept the responsibility for this whole thing, deal with it, pay what I gotta pay and move on.
Being sober rocks.
B
I'm approaching 5 months. Like, a little over a week from now I think. I don't really count days anymore.
Being sober continues to be worth everything. I get AV voices from time to time, but nothing close to serious or hard to recognize & manage.
I've been working with my outpatient therapist on a few things. It's hard but rewarding. There's a long road there I think. Learning to recognize various cognitive distortions and gain a bit more ability to steer my perspective on things in consistently constructive and self-compassionate directions is where the focus is at the moment. I am very hard on myself - often at my own detriment.
I'm learning a lot.
I still have the 600 pound gorilla of my conviction for OWI coming at me. Roughly 3 weeks. As it gets closer it gets harder to keep the need to control outcomes and what not at bay. While I have a decent amount of understanding of what's going to happen there are still a few details that can have a major impact on how things all shake out.
Big picture - like, when I shift my perspective outward to months vs. weeks or days - I'm in pretty damn good shape considering the circumstances. Owning the whole thing is about a lot more than some altruistic noble b.s. It's been necessary in order to have the conversations (with peeps like my attorney, people at corrections, etc.) to educate myself about what I'm facing, what my options are. Doing so has enabled me to make & execute a plan that - big picture - has me in the best case scenario to deal with all this in a way that will leave me plenty intact on the other side. By March of next year I'll be sprinting into my future instead of crawling through what's left of my life.
It's been a complete game changer for sure. My house sold a couple of weeks ago. Just about everything in my life is hugely different. And overwhelmingly the changes are positive.
I'm also finding that owning the process has brought a lot of help. My employer and my outpatient therapist are being crazy supportive - again more than just altruistically. They are both going to bat for me in a big way with the judge. I think they'll carry a lot of influence to help me.
Regardless of whether or not a person new to sobriety is facing legal issues or just the other crap & wreckage that alcohol and addiction sew I just want to communicate how imperative it is to own the situation. I think we can be greatly surprised just how much we can shape what seems like impossible circumstances. But I can't imagine trying to build a sane life while still mired in denial and excuse making. We've got to be accountable to ourselves in our sobriety.
Sure, it sucks sometimes. Just last week I had 3 days of raging self-pity, negativity, etc. It was greatly fueled by dealing with some new stuff that had my imminent conviction right in my face - I was also very tired. I don't sleep like normal human. But Thursday morning I woke up, the mood had passed, I felt human again and I went back to work on things.
Anywho. Enough for now. I'll try to post again before August 7th. But if something happens I don't it may be a bit before I post again.
I'm just ready to accept the responsibility for this whole thing, deal with it, pay what I gotta pay and move on.
Being sober rocks.
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 773
Sounds a lot like what I went through, sleeping 5 minutes at a time, wake up, re-live everything, fall asleep, wake up 5 min later and re-live it again. eventually I made a list of everything I was re-living so I could get it over with quicker and get my next 5 min of sleep, I did my extremely boring 6 months in county, worrying about everything did nothing to change anything so why bother, just focus on getting your ducks in a row, good luck
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Now that is a f$%ing post.
Awesome WORK Buck. Because WORK is what earned you the self-respect, resiliency and knowledge you are demonstrating. As Bimini said, you are an example.
Thank you for posting. You've fed my fortitude fire this morning.
No one is coming to save us. Awesome stuff.
Awesome WORK Buck. Because WORK is what earned you the self-respect, resiliency and knowledge you are demonstrating. As Bimini said, you are an example.
Thank you for posting. You've fed my fortitude fire this morning.
No one is coming to save us. Awesome stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Good job Buckley! Also what is refreshing to hear is of your "owning it". As you know, this is crucial to building the positives in your life. Keep up the good work. Know you will have your ups and downs, as normal with everyone. You'll find as you continue on your sober journey that the good far exceeds the bumps in the road.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
It's good to hear from you Buckley. It sounds like you're doing well, even though there are down days. You've done lots of preparation and I hope things go smoothly for you in court. I'm glad that you have lots of support from your employer and your therapist.
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