Admitting I have a problem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
Admitting I have a problem
Good Evening (or morning!) to everyone,
Today has been the day I’ve realised I’ve spiralled out of control.
My history- first drunk at 15 at a birthday party and consisntantly binging at parties pubs and clubs when the occasion called.
I would always be the one the stories were about, how silly I was or what I said. We were young. We all were silly. I’d hear what other friends had done and think, well at least I didn’t do that, I can’t be a bad drunk I’m the fun one.
Come to 21,22 I was with my first boyfriend and with hindsight, I know he was emotionally abusive and I was subject to gaslighting. I would use alcohol to broach difficult subjects and gain confidence to talk about anything I was unhappy with until one day when we were broken up, but still living together, I was a mean drunk and he snapped and hurt me (pushed me away and I landed badly) and I thought, as unhappy as I am with him, that my behaviour wasn’t right and I scared myself.
But nothing changed.
Moved back to my parents, I’d go out with friends. Some nights were just plain good fun and ended well, others with me ranting and raving and crying because of some minor thing but I would always overreact, and be basically a she devil. And my poor Mum would take this barrage of abuse.
Next day I’m all apologise and self loathing that I could be so wicked.
Blackouts started about this time and I regularly wouldn’t remember any of the previous night.
The stupid and dangerous situations I’ve put myself in when I’ve drank make my skin crawl. I’ve socialised with total strangers when my friends have gone home and risked being mugged (and worse.) I’ve lost belongs, had countless injuries from falling over or spilling hot tea when I eventually get home, breaking objects I care about, or not knowing what the heck I was doing and damaging my things. And many far worse things. Nothing ever sexual, my wariness of men seems to intensify if anything
And then I met my fiancé.
I could talk about him for hours to anyone, he is the light of my life, my best friend and soulmate. He is kindness personified. The type of man your parents encourage you to bring home.
So why, why when I drink do I treat him like he is absolute scum?
When we’d go out and it was clear I had too many and he’d take me home or suggest going to bed, I wouldn’t allow it. I’d be a big kid, just saying no no no and pushing him away and running away til is tire myself out, blackout and him have to undress me and put me in bed.
And then the meanness started. We could be having the best night, and I will just turn. Say things about him that never cross sober me’s mind, say I’m scared of him (?!?) and that I’ve had enough. Refuse to go home and to bed, try and get away from him and be as mean and rude as you can imagine.
Next day I’m always sorry. He says that he can’t keep doing it, it’s not fair. We both agree not to go to the pub for a while or cut out drinks in the week.
It’s okay for a while.
But last night.
I’ve been getting up at 5.30am for work for the past month, and commuting by train. I’m permenantly tired. As a result haven’t much appetite. I’d had a really rubbish day and just wanted to see him and have a few drinks in our local pub.
I didn’t want a few. What I wanted was to get rat faced. So I made him stay for more. Got talking to some of other people there.
And then I don’t remember.
I’ve been told, and shown videos, of what I did. He filmed me so I could see just how disgusting I was.
I’m reading a book about WWII currently and he said it’s like I turned into a character from it- I was calling him nazi scum (he has German family) and the c word, and every nasty, horrible thought you’d have about your worst enemy. I had to be dragged from the pub. The staff had to intervene to help him.
He feels mortified as if you didn’t know what was happening it looked like he was a woman beater because I was having none of it, he had to be so forceful. Walk home I was crying, shouting, mumbling, refused to get in the house, to go to bed, to be in the house with him. I eventually collapsed on the landing.
He undressed me and brushed my teeth and put my night retainers in.
He made a bed up on the sofa but couldn’t sleep as was so upset, and worried I’d die. He came up to check on me every half our incase I’d been sick and choked. Kept putting me in the recovery position.
When I awoke this morning I knew something felt wrong. I felt terrible. So so utterly terrible and thought well that’s it, he’s going to leave because if we’re the other way round, I know I wouldn’t be here.
But he said it’s him or the drink. He cannot and will not do it anymore because he was scared of me, and I’m not strong, but I was crazy.
I love him, and the idea that I’ve hurt him so badly is repulsive. Of course I have little annoyances, what couple doesn’t but we never argue and talk openly and freely and resolve everything well.
What happens to me?
I am evil when I’m drunk. I called him a joyless b-tard for wanting to stop, that he is never fun and is boring. That’s the least mean thing I said, the rest are not for reading in a public forum.
I’ve turned on my mum, my best friend and now my fiancé.
I know that in the immediate I need to just stop drinking. But I’m worried about the relationship I’ve made with booze, and why I want to drink and what to replace it with if I need to. And how to show my fiancé that I don’t think of him in the way drunk me speaks (I know how much he loves me. I’m aware constantly he’s the best thing) but yet it’s like I default into the past, and my mind speaks to him as if he were my ex ( well that’s one way I can rationalise it).
This is a very long post.
But writing it has helped me tonight.
I’m normally a nice, kind person who woul never insult anyone and it’s just horrible knowing what I’ve done.
Today has been the day I’ve realised I’ve spiralled out of control.
My history- first drunk at 15 at a birthday party and consisntantly binging at parties pubs and clubs when the occasion called.
I would always be the one the stories were about, how silly I was or what I said. We were young. We all were silly. I’d hear what other friends had done and think, well at least I didn’t do that, I can’t be a bad drunk I’m the fun one.
Come to 21,22 I was with my first boyfriend and with hindsight, I know he was emotionally abusive and I was subject to gaslighting. I would use alcohol to broach difficult subjects and gain confidence to talk about anything I was unhappy with until one day when we were broken up, but still living together, I was a mean drunk and he snapped and hurt me (pushed me away and I landed badly) and I thought, as unhappy as I am with him, that my behaviour wasn’t right and I scared myself.
But nothing changed.
Moved back to my parents, I’d go out with friends. Some nights were just plain good fun and ended well, others with me ranting and raving and crying because of some minor thing but I would always overreact, and be basically a she devil. And my poor Mum would take this barrage of abuse.
Next day I’m all apologise and self loathing that I could be so wicked.
Blackouts started about this time and I regularly wouldn’t remember any of the previous night.
The stupid and dangerous situations I’ve put myself in when I’ve drank make my skin crawl. I’ve socialised with total strangers when my friends have gone home and risked being mugged (and worse.) I’ve lost belongs, had countless injuries from falling over or spilling hot tea when I eventually get home, breaking objects I care about, or not knowing what the heck I was doing and damaging my things. And many far worse things. Nothing ever sexual, my wariness of men seems to intensify if anything
And then I met my fiancé.
I could talk about him for hours to anyone, he is the light of my life, my best friend and soulmate. He is kindness personified. The type of man your parents encourage you to bring home.
So why, why when I drink do I treat him like he is absolute scum?
When we’d go out and it was clear I had too many and he’d take me home or suggest going to bed, I wouldn’t allow it. I’d be a big kid, just saying no no no and pushing him away and running away til is tire myself out, blackout and him have to undress me and put me in bed.
And then the meanness started. We could be having the best night, and I will just turn. Say things about him that never cross sober me’s mind, say I’m scared of him (?!?) and that I’ve had enough. Refuse to go home and to bed, try and get away from him and be as mean and rude as you can imagine.
Next day I’m always sorry. He says that he can’t keep doing it, it’s not fair. We both agree not to go to the pub for a while or cut out drinks in the week.
It’s okay for a while.
But last night.
I’ve been getting up at 5.30am for work for the past month, and commuting by train. I’m permenantly tired. As a result haven’t much appetite. I’d had a really rubbish day and just wanted to see him and have a few drinks in our local pub.
I didn’t want a few. What I wanted was to get rat faced. So I made him stay for more. Got talking to some of other people there.
And then I don’t remember.
I’ve been told, and shown videos, of what I did. He filmed me so I could see just how disgusting I was.
I’m reading a book about WWII currently and he said it’s like I turned into a character from it- I was calling him nazi scum (he has German family) and the c word, and every nasty, horrible thought you’d have about your worst enemy. I had to be dragged from the pub. The staff had to intervene to help him.
He feels mortified as if you didn’t know what was happening it looked like he was a woman beater because I was having none of it, he had to be so forceful. Walk home I was crying, shouting, mumbling, refused to get in the house, to go to bed, to be in the house with him. I eventually collapsed on the landing.
He undressed me and brushed my teeth and put my night retainers in.
He made a bed up on the sofa but couldn’t sleep as was so upset, and worried I’d die. He came up to check on me every half our incase I’d been sick and choked. Kept putting me in the recovery position.
When I awoke this morning I knew something felt wrong. I felt terrible. So so utterly terrible and thought well that’s it, he’s going to leave because if we’re the other way round, I know I wouldn’t be here.
But he said it’s him or the drink. He cannot and will not do it anymore because he was scared of me, and I’m not strong, but I was crazy.
I love him, and the idea that I’ve hurt him so badly is repulsive. Of course I have little annoyances, what couple doesn’t but we never argue and talk openly and freely and resolve everything well.
What happens to me?
I am evil when I’m drunk. I called him a joyless b-tard for wanting to stop, that he is never fun and is boring. That’s the least mean thing I said, the rest are not for reading in a public forum.
I’ve turned on my mum, my best friend and now my fiancé.
I know that in the immediate I need to just stop drinking. But I’m worried about the relationship I’ve made with booze, and why I want to drink and what to replace it with if I need to. And how to show my fiancé that I don’t think of him in the way drunk me speaks (I know how much he loves me. I’m aware constantly he’s the best thing) but yet it’s like I default into the past, and my mind speaks to him as if he were my ex ( well that’s one way I can rationalise it).
This is a very long post.
But writing it has helped me tonight.
I’m normally a nice, kind person who woul never insult anyone and it’s just horrible knowing what I’ve done.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 611
Hi NeeMay. It definitely sounds like you've realized alcohol is at the root of your problems. The immediate solution is not easy, but simple — don't drink. For many, it's the next part — unpacking why we drank, and what to replace it with — that constitutes "recovery."
It sounds like you have a patient fiancé and family, which is awesome, but ultimately sobriety is something you have to pursue for yourself. Only then can you be a better NeeMay for others
Read around and feel free to post when you have questions. This site has been a big part of my sobriety.
It sounds like you have a patient fiancé and family, which is awesome, but ultimately sobriety is something you have to pursue for yourself. Only then can you be a better NeeMay for others
Read around and feel free to post when you have questions. This site has been a big part of my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi neemay, welcome.
Well we could spend lots of time analyzing, therapizing and intellectualizing why alcohol, when consumed in huge volumes by alcohilics, makes us totally nuts but really, why? If you quit drinking it sounds like you, at minimum, won't abuse the people you love. So I invite you to start there.
And believe me, I could share some, many, hair raising stories of my own insanity. So I relate completely.
Well we could spend lots of time analyzing, therapizing and intellectualizing why alcohol, when consumed in huge volumes by alcohilics, makes us totally nuts but really, why? If you quit drinking it sounds like you, at minimum, won't abuse the people you love. So I invite you to start there.
And believe me, I could share some, many, hair raising stories of my own insanity. So I relate completely.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
NeeMay, oh boy do I not miss the shame and remorse that came after drinking. Life is so much simpler when you quit drinking and don't have to worry about that stuff. I agree with Rascal. Yes, your mom and fiance deserve for you to not drink, but you'll be doing this for yourself. Trust me, it will be worth it.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 149
Neemay,
I am new to this forum , I have been binge drinking for many years, I had my first full blackout the last time I drank, it terrified me , I can not recall the last 3 hours of my night and I drove home, it's why I am here today, when I drink I can not stop and I work nights came home at 6 in morning was offered a beer at 7 am and drank until 1030that night. I always suspected that I was more than a problem drinker. I realize now you do not have to drink everyday to be alcoholic. I am proof of that , I drink on weekends to excess ignoring my family and pursuing drunkenness like a selfish *******. I have quit in the past for months at a time but this time I am attending meetings and going to work the steps and admit to myself and others I am an alcoholic. I hope you do the same . It sounds like to me you really want to change and your fiance deserves better as does my wife. My selfish drunken loser behaviour is tearing my family apart and I plan on doing something about it.
I am new to this forum , I have been binge drinking for many years, I had my first full blackout the last time I drank, it terrified me , I can not recall the last 3 hours of my night and I drove home, it's why I am here today, when I drink I can not stop and I work nights came home at 6 in morning was offered a beer at 7 am and drank until 1030that night. I always suspected that I was more than a problem drinker. I realize now you do not have to drink everyday to be alcoholic. I am proof of that , I drink on weekends to excess ignoring my family and pursuing drunkenness like a selfish *******. I have quit in the past for months at a time but this time I am attending meetings and going to work the steps and admit to myself and others I am an alcoholic. I hope you do the same . It sounds like to me you really want to change and your fiance deserves better as does my wife. My selfish drunken loser behaviour is tearing my family apart and I plan on doing something about it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hugs to you. Many of been where you are. Our meanness came out in different ways, and to different people. You know, you CAN do this. It is unlikely to be just a case of stopping drinking. Drinking is a crutch, and we need to address our limp. Our weaknesses. Our addictive thinking. Otherwise living sober is too much, and we will be restless, irritable and discontent. We can be left full of resentment and rage. We can torment ourselves with self-loathing, shame and fear. And when all that gets too much we are very likely to drink again, or perhaps find a new false-friend (sex, drugs, shopping, gambling, or whatever else that gives a temporary release, that we will do compulsively until it lands us further in the mire).
You will hear people talking about Recovery Plans on here. These are about addressing that addictive thinking. I found this hard to do without support and guidance, and was lucky that someone I'd known in the past had been an AAer, so I felt able to find a local meeting and go along and get some support). But the first step to recovery is deciding that this is enough. Accepting that alcohol is not helping you, but messing things up now. That is is the problem, not a solution, and choosing wisdom (the things that will make you happy long term) over alcohol (which is only a quick fix for the next few hours).
Your partner sounds very supportive. Why not find an Open AA meeting (open means that friends or family can come along as well - one lady at one of my meetings always brings her teenage daughter to the monthly open meeting). Or, if you prefer to do it privately get to a meeting alone. There you will find other people who have been where you are, and know how scary contemplating and embarking on a life without our crutch (part of our identity even) can be, and help you navigate that path. A quick Google search will find you a list of AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings in your area (or close to work or whatever works best for you). Your finance sounds like he might benefit from some AlAnon meetings as well, because he sounds lovely, but while he's softening the consequences of your drinking for you and taking responsibility for your safety and well being when you choose not to, that's kind of enabling. But then , if you keep this up and he sails into the distance to be with someone who doesn't need caretaking or will call him a Nazi, then that will cease to be a problem won't it.
You are standing at a crossroads. You don't HAVE to get sober. But the consequences of staying on this path must be fairly apparent. You can choose the path of Sobriety and Recovery. It will be difficult some days, and it's best to do it with as many others who know it's twists and turns and ups and downs as possible. Most alcoholics are resistant to asking for help, and to letting others get close. For many that is their downfall, and they end up hot-footing it back to their old path of self-destruction, that seems more comfortable and easy, but has land-,mines which tend to blast us in the end one way or another. I'm only 4 years in, but have already heard enough about relapses and death of people I cared about to last me many years.
If you choose sobriety it will not be easy AT FIRST, but if you work on your recovery a wonderful sober life can be found.
If you choose to continue with active alcoholism, you will find immediate release from your pain & anxieties, but the long term prognosis is dire.
Neither are likely to sound very appealing just now. But one of them contains Hope. And hope is precious.
I wish you all the best for your future. I pray that you will choose sobriety and recovery and do all you can to secure a wonderful future with that amazing fiance of yours. It is possible. And it is worth all the work and pushing through the initial discomfort.
Please stick around here and keep reading and posting. If you decide to make a recovery plan then folk here can point you in the right direction for doing that if you ask.
BB
You will hear people talking about Recovery Plans on here. These are about addressing that addictive thinking. I found this hard to do without support and guidance, and was lucky that someone I'd known in the past had been an AAer, so I felt able to find a local meeting and go along and get some support). But the first step to recovery is deciding that this is enough. Accepting that alcohol is not helping you, but messing things up now. That is is the problem, not a solution, and choosing wisdom (the things that will make you happy long term) over alcohol (which is only a quick fix for the next few hours).
Your partner sounds very supportive. Why not find an Open AA meeting (open means that friends or family can come along as well - one lady at one of my meetings always brings her teenage daughter to the monthly open meeting). Or, if you prefer to do it privately get to a meeting alone. There you will find other people who have been where you are, and know how scary contemplating and embarking on a life without our crutch (part of our identity even) can be, and help you navigate that path. A quick Google search will find you a list of AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings in your area (or close to work or whatever works best for you). Your finance sounds like he might benefit from some AlAnon meetings as well, because he sounds lovely, but while he's softening the consequences of your drinking for you and taking responsibility for your safety and well being when you choose not to, that's kind of enabling. But then , if you keep this up and he sails into the distance to be with someone who doesn't need caretaking or will call him a Nazi, then that will cease to be a problem won't it.
You are standing at a crossroads. You don't HAVE to get sober. But the consequences of staying on this path must be fairly apparent. You can choose the path of Sobriety and Recovery. It will be difficult some days, and it's best to do it with as many others who know it's twists and turns and ups and downs as possible. Most alcoholics are resistant to asking for help, and to letting others get close. For many that is their downfall, and they end up hot-footing it back to their old path of self-destruction, that seems more comfortable and easy, but has land-,mines which tend to blast us in the end one way or another. I'm only 4 years in, but have already heard enough about relapses and death of people I cared about to last me many years.
If you choose sobriety it will not be easy AT FIRST, but if you work on your recovery a wonderful sober life can be found.
If you choose to continue with active alcoholism, you will find immediate release from your pain & anxieties, but the long term prognosis is dire.
Neither are likely to sound very appealing just now. But one of them contains Hope. And hope is precious.
I wish you all the best for your future. I pray that you will choose sobriety and recovery and do all you can to secure a wonderful future with that amazing fiance of yours. It is possible. And it is worth all the work and pushing through the initial discomfort.
Please stick around here and keep reading and posting. If you decide to make a recovery plan then folk here can point you in the right direction for doing that if you ask.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you for your replies.
I think a recovery plan would be a great way to start. I want to change, and I need to. I’ve spent so many years doing nothing about it and thinking I was fine and this is the wake up call and the cross road to finding a path.
I heard about listing all the bad choices that have happened as a result of drinking- and thinking about some instances last night made me realise how many of those would flag as someone whose an alcoholic, I just didn’t want to use that word.
I think a recovery plan would be a great way to start. I want to change, and I need to. I’ve spent so many years doing nothing about it and thinking I was fine and this is the wake up call and the cross road to finding a path.
I heard about listing all the bad choices that have happened as a result of drinking- and thinking about some instances last night made me realise how many of those would flag as someone whose an alcoholic, I just didn’t want to use that word.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Don't use that word if you don't want to. Maybe just think of it as an allergy to alcohol?
This is a good thread to explore re Recovery plans. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
It's also worth looking up and noting down the local resources available to you.
If you really want to change, that's a great first step.
BB
This is a good thread to explore re Recovery plans. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
It's also worth looking up and noting down the local resources available to you.
If you really want to change, that's a great first step.
BB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Hi NeeMay and welcome. You remind me of one of my sisters. I think you're growing up and realising as you get older that you simply cannot drink as your personality changes when you are drunk. This realisation takes some getting used to and SR is a great place to discuss.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Welcome, NeeMay. I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you have found us. It's good that you understand alcohol is a problem for you, and you don't have to use the word alcoholic--just say you have a problem, or as BB said an allergy to alcohol. The important thing is not the label, but to get help so that you can have a happy, dignified, safe life and a good relationship with your family and your fiancée, who sounds like a great guy.
I tried to intellectualize my drinking and realized finding out why I drank wasn't nearby as important as just not doing it. Sobriety has solved a lot of problems in my life as I am sure it will in yours. One of the things I do is play the tape forward, where I consider what will happen if I drink again. They are literally sobering thoughts.
I hope you stick around, read lots and form a plan for sobriety. This forum has been a vital part of my recovery. Best wishes on your sober journey.
I tried to intellectualize my drinking and realized finding out why I drank wasn't nearby as important as just not doing it. Sobriety has solved a lot of problems in my life as I am sure it will in yours. One of the things I do is play the tape forward, where I consider what will happen if I drink again. They are literally sobering thoughts.
I hope you stick around, read lots and form a plan for sobriety. This forum has been a vital part of my recovery. Best wishes on your sober journey.
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