Saving a relationship after relapse
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 8
Saving a relationship after relapse
A brief background: I met my girlfriend 1 month shy of a year ago and at that time I had been clean from heroin(I was a seasoned junky for 5 years prior)for almost a year with a handful of slips throughout that time and was living at a sober living home. I let this woman know about my history early on in our relationship and to my surprise she remained completely free of judgement and expressed little concern. Our relationship gradually deepened until we both realized we had both totally fallen in love with each other. About a few months after being together, I had left my sober living home due to a lawsuit that I was indirectly involved in(a whole other story), I was in the middle of finals at school and I was on the brink oh homelessness so I used for a period of around two months to allow me to focus on school and at least get through finals. At the time, she didn't know what was going on but I reluctantly filled her in a a month or two later and she was very tolerant. I had somehow managed to not get strung out and if it wasn't for her in my life I don't know if I would've managed to stop .
I didn't use for a few months and everything was coasting along. I began indulging in "slips" once or twice a month , sometimes less, sometimes more, therefore successfully secretly using with no immediate consequences...up until last night that is. I had decided to use a bag earlier that day and left a needle and spoon in the medicine cabinet which she ended up finding. The look on her face when she confronted me was an expression of total shock and confusion. "Why didn't you tell me?" she kept asking. It really hurt seeing her like that. I felt like a complete fool for betraying her trust and taking for granted the love this woman has brought into my life. I'm leaving out alot of details because I'm pretty shaken up right now and am horrified at the thought of losing her. So my question is, how do I make her confident that I will continue on the straight and narrow and show her how much I value her? What is the best way to move forward, for both her and I, so that I can foster a health relationship with the woman I love? Just looking for some support and guidance.
-an unintentional chipper
I didn't use for a few months and everything was coasting along. I began indulging in "slips" once or twice a month , sometimes less, sometimes more, therefore successfully secretly using with no immediate consequences...up until last night that is. I had decided to use a bag earlier that day and left a needle and spoon in the medicine cabinet which she ended up finding. The look on her face when she confronted me was an expression of total shock and confusion. "Why didn't you tell me?" she kept asking. It really hurt seeing her like that. I felt like a complete fool for betraying her trust and taking for granted the love this woman has brought into my life. I'm leaving out alot of details because I'm pretty shaken up right now and am horrified at the thought of losing her. So my question is, how do I make her confident that I will continue on the straight and narrow and show her how much I value her? What is the best way to move forward, for both her and I, so that I can foster a health relationship with the woman I love? Just looking for some support and guidance.
-an unintentional chipper
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Actions, not words, were the only thing that worked to save my marriage.
What concrete action steps (outpatient, NA, therapy, etc.) can you build into a plan and start doing today that will show her you are serious?
And do it--make appointments, go to meeting, and don't put it off even one day.
You were dishonest, still using, and betrayed her trust.
You won't make her "confident" any time soon due the above--
but you must get clean and stay clean for yourself no matter what she does.
Coming from an inner position of strength in recovery is the only thing you can control at this point.
Wishing you the very best outcome
What concrete action steps (outpatient, NA, therapy, etc.) can you build into a plan and start doing today that will show her you are serious?
And do it--make appointments, go to meeting, and don't put it off even one day.
You were dishonest, still using, and betrayed her trust.
You won't make her "confident" any time soon due the above--
but you must get clean and stay clean for yourself no matter what she does.
Coming from an inner position of strength in recovery is the only thing you can control at this point.
Wishing you the very best outcome
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
So, it appears that the relationship is your number one goal?
I would say finding permanent sobriety is far more important. There is a lot to be addressed in your post and I don't see the relationship as pertinent to any of your current problems.
Figure out how to live honestly and all the rest of it falls in place.
What are your plans to assure yourself you will stay on the straight and narrow? Are you in therapy or meetings? What is the plan?
I would say finding permanent sobriety is far more important. There is a lot to be addressed in your post and I don't see the relationship as pertinent to any of your current problems.
Figure out how to live honestly and all the rest of it falls in place.
What are your plans to assure yourself you will stay on the straight and narrow? Are you in therapy or meetings? What is the plan?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 8
Thank you so much for the swift response. I am in L.A where I am completely surrounded by meetings. I was pretty plugged in for awhile but drifted away due to the general dogmatic and rigid beliefs of the 12 step community. However, there is definitely value to be gained in attending the meetings so I can make a compromise. You're words rang so true that it brought tears to my eyes. I obviously need to start taking action immediately and stop making excuses because the truth is I haven't been making recovery my priority and it is so obvious that needs to happen. Thank you. I'm new to the forum and it already seems like a good place 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
This may sound harsh, but addiction has consequences. People have lost everything including their life to addiction. I lost my company, my health and almost lost my marriage. Coming up on 3 years and things have never been better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Keep trying different meetings. I found they aren't all dogmatic, and there are free-thinkers in many meetings - I would think it would be especially true in LA.
Just keep going back. They don't make you do anything and you're free to leave if someone tries - but the basic tenets of AA/NA are sound. It's the people in the meetings with whom I needed to use my own good judgement. Not everyone is well, but some are further along than you are right at this moment. Look for those people.
Welcome to the forums. There is a lot of wisdom here. Make yourself at home.
Just keep going back. They don't make you do anything and you're free to leave if someone tries - but the basic tenets of AA/NA are sound. It's the people in the meetings with whom I needed to use my own good judgement. Not everyone is well, but some are further along than you are right at this moment. Look for those people.
Welcome to the forums. There is a lot of wisdom here. Make yourself at home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 8
@bminiblue @hawkeye13
I guess what it comes down to, no matter how much I hate to admit it, is that I feel my recovery is dependent upon our relationship. Logically, I know that is absolutely foolish, but emotional its a whole other story and I"m not sure what I can do to work on that. I'm not in therapy as I am in the middle of switching insurance and I am not actively working any kind of program. Its looking like my best option at this point is to keep an open mind and attend meetings regularly and actively participate in my recovery in earnest. Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it.
I guess what it comes down to, no matter how much I hate to admit it, is that I feel my recovery is dependent upon our relationship. Logically, I know that is absolutely foolish, but emotional its a whole other story and I"m not sure what I can do to work on that. I'm not in therapy as I am in the middle of switching insurance and I am not actively working any kind of program. Its looking like my best option at this point is to keep an open mind and attend meetings regularly and actively participate in my recovery in earnest. Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 8
@thomas11
I'm well aware. I've experienced it myself and was able to pick myself up from ground zero and bring most of the things I lost back in to my life. I don't want to take that for granted and am willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that doesn't happen ever again. That's what this post was about. Thanks though.
I'm well aware. I've experienced it myself and was able to pick myself up from ground zero and bring most of the things I lost back in to my life. I don't want to take that for granted and am willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that doesn't happen ever again. That's what this post was about. Thanks though.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
“I guess what it comes down to, no matter how much I hate to admit it, is that I feel my recovery is dependent upon our relationship”
From everything I understand, succesful recovery can’t be dependent on external factors, relationships or otherwise. It comes from within. It does sound, however, like the success of this relationship is dependent on your recovery.
A consequence of my sobriety is that I was able to keep a relationship I didn’t want to lose. But for me, the reasons I finally quit were mine alone, and staying quit is my responsibility. Now I can be the partner that my significant other deserves. Perhaps there are other factors that have lead you here? Aside from the consequences of recent choices, just not living honestly is exhausting.
Best wishes as you go forward. I’ve found lots of help here.
-bora
From everything I understand, succesful recovery can’t be dependent on external factors, relationships or otherwise. It comes from within. It does sound, however, like the success of this relationship is dependent on your recovery.
A consequence of my sobriety is that I was able to keep a relationship I didn’t want to lose. But for me, the reasons I finally quit were mine alone, and staying quit is my responsibility. Now I can be the partner that my significant other deserves. Perhaps there are other factors that have lead you here? Aside from the consequences of recent choices, just not living honestly is exhausting.
Best wishes as you go forward. I’ve found lots of help here.
-bora
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi and welcome Ray
yeah you gotta switch that around - I have to stay in recovery or I'll end up dead, and every other decision and position in my life radiates from that point.
if your recovery is dependant on external factors like a relationship, you getting what you want, or things always being good then you're in for a testing time.
I drank and drugged my way through two long term relationships.
They never came back.
I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of that happening for you..and where that leaves your desire to be sober?
D
yeah you gotta switch that around - I have to stay in recovery or I'll end up dead, and every other decision and position in my life radiates from that point.
if your recovery is dependant on external factors like a relationship, you getting what you want, or things always being good then you're in for a testing time.
I drank and drugged my way through two long term relationships.
They never came back.
I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of that happening for you..and where that leaves your desire to be sober?
D
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Ray, and Welcome.
I'm coming from the F&F (Friends and Family) side of this coin. Speaking from personal experience, putting the burden of keeping clean on a loved one is asking a bit too much. And, IME, not successful. Your gf has been with you for a year, and her presence in your life did not keep you from using. Why would her continued presence in your life work in the future?
You deserve a clean, happy, peaceful life--for you! Hopefully, in time, your gf will see, by your actions, that you are serious.
Wishing you every success and joy!
I'm coming from the F&F (Friends and Family) side of this coin. Speaking from personal experience, putting the burden of keeping clean on a loved one is asking a bit too much. And, IME, not successful. Your gf has been with you for a year, and her presence in your life did not keep you from using. Why would her continued presence in your life work in the future?
You deserve a clean, happy, peaceful life--for you! Hopefully, in time, your gf will see, by your actions, that you are serious.
Wishing you every success and joy!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
When you say rigid and dogmatic, do you mean that they advocated working the steps and living by the principles? Or something else.
Going to meetings isn't the same thing as working a program of recovery. When I am working my program fully then there is no drifting. I also don't start drinking and risk hurting those I love. Working the program is, for most people I know with good quality sobriety and recovery, how it's worked for them. Like it says in How It Works... 'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has
thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not
recover are people who cannot or will not completely
give themselves to this simple program, usually men
and women who are constitutionally incapable of be-
ing honest with themselves. There are such unfortu-
nates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been
born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasp-
ing and developing a manner of living which demands
rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
...
If you have decided you want what we have and are
willing to go to any length to get it—then you are
ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could
find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With
all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to
be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of
us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result
was nil until we let go absolutely.
I was one who tried the easier, softer way. I wasn't so much IN the lifeboat of the AA fellowship as watching the boats and critiquing the navigation skills of others while treading water myself. Thankfully those good folks don't hold grudges and when the time came when I couldn't tread water any longer and stuck my arm up and called for help, they hoiked me in and kept me safe, helped me recovery fro
My experiences, and taught me how to help sail that recovery ship with them.
Half measures do nothing. They don't get us half recovered. Half clean or half sober.
I hope that you really do want to get clean / sober, because that's what it takes to get the show on the road. Just wanting to avoid the consequences of it isn't enough. It just isn't.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
Going to meetings isn't the same thing as working a program of recovery. When I am working my program fully then there is no drifting. I also don't start drinking and risk hurting those I love. Working the program is, for most people I know with good quality sobriety and recovery, how it's worked for them. Like it says in How It Works... 'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has
thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not
recover are people who cannot or will not completely
give themselves to this simple program, usually men
and women who are constitutionally incapable of be-
ing honest with themselves. There are such unfortu-
nates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been
born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasp-
ing and developing a manner of living which demands
rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
...
If you have decided you want what we have and are
willing to go to any length to get it—then you are
ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could
find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With
all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to
be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of
us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result
was nil until we let go absolutely.
I was one who tried the easier, softer way. I wasn't so much IN the lifeboat of the AA fellowship as watching the boats and critiquing the navigation skills of others while treading water myself. Thankfully those good folks don't hold grudges and when the time came when I couldn't tread water any longer and stuck my arm up and called for help, they hoiked me in and kept me safe, helped me recovery fro
My experiences, and taught me how to help sail that recovery ship with them.
Half measures do nothing. They don't get us half recovered. Half clean or half sober.
I hope that you really do want to get clean / sober, because that's what it takes to get the show on the road. Just wanting to avoid the consequences of it isn't enough. It just isn't.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by DontRemember 
Seems to me like a lot of 'excuses' for your using and future using if this doesn't work out.
addicts are great at making excuses. the #1 reason we use is untreated addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Truth = Tomsteve
London Ray, if I were your girlfriend and you laid "our relationship" being the reason you used or didn't I would think you were full of horse sh*t because clearly you have been and to think I was giving you a second, or third, or fourth chance after that is pure excuse to use again. You're lucky she has stuck around, I would not have. Grow up and face your reality, that you're still using. Only you can stop. Up to you, no one else.
London Ray, if I were your girlfriend and you laid "our relationship" being the reason you used or didn't I would think you were full of horse sh*t because clearly you have been and to think I was giving you a second, or third, or fourth chance after that is pure excuse to use again. You're lucky she has stuck around, I would not have. Grow up and face your reality, that you're still using. Only you can stop. Up to you, no one else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Seems to me like a lot of 'excuses' for your using and future using if this doesn't work out. Relationship aside..what's your plans/goals?
wow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 8
London Ray, if I were your girlfriend and you laid "our relationship" being the reason you used or didn't I would think you were full of horse sh*t because clearly you have been and to think I was giving you a second, or third, or fourth chance after that is pure excuse to use again. You're lucky she has stuck around, I would not have. Grow up and face your reality, that you're still using. Only you can stop. Up to you, no one else.
Not the wisest one here aye, Ladysadie? Good thing you're not my girlfriend wow LOL
Not the wisest one here aye, Ladysadie? Good thing you're not my girlfriend wow LOL
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
LondonRay - I'm glad you're here & wanting to discuss your situation.
I agree with those who encouraged you to continue working on your recovery without allowing the relationship to be the main reason. Your lady may or may not trust you completely again. Try not to worry about that right now - keep forging ahead with recovery - filled with hope and faith that things will work out as they are meant to.
We are giving advice based on our experiences - if it sometimes seems harsh, it's because we're hoping to help you avoid the hell we've experienced. I hope you'll continue to post. We care.
I agree with those who encouraged you to continue working on your recovery without allowing the relationship to be the main reason. Your lady may or may not trust you completely again. Try not to worry about that right now - keep forging ahead with recovery - filled with hope and faith that things will work out as they are meant to.
We are giving advice based on our experiences - if it sometimes seems harsh, it's because we're hoping to help you avoid the hell we've experienced. I hope you'll continue to post. We care.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Folks
we're a moderated site - this is not Facebook.
if you feel a post breaks our rules,
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ting-tips.html
let the mods know about it.
If a post upsets you,try drafting a few replies before you hit send.
Personal insults back and forth don't really help you - or anyone else.
Quit it.
Dee
Moderator
SR
we're a moderated site - this is not Facebook.
if you feel a post breaks our rules,
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ting-tips.html
let the mods know about it.
If a post upsets you,try drafting a few replies before you hit send.
Personal insults back and forth don't really help you - or anyone else.
Quit it.
Dee
Moderator
SR
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