Always2018

I am with my Boyfriend 5 years now. There have been very difficult times as he was unknown to me a former drug user. About 2 years into our relationship he started using codine painkillers. He got help - Rehab for nearly 9 months. I supported him through it all. When he came out he started being very distant, tried to tell me he did not want a serious relationship etc but after a week or 2 he would be back in touch. We muddled along for a year until now. He is still clean but appears to be struggling with life, his job, mental health. No commitment to me.
In the mean time another guy has been paying me a lot of attention, helping me out etc. He says he wants friendship but I can tell he would like more. He has never met my boyfriend.

I know feel torn in two. I love my boyfriend but at present we are not speaking because he flaked on coming to see me during the week. It has been a month since I seen him. He has a history of going on dating sites looking for younger women.

I have nobody I can talk to about this. I am eaten up with it. Help.

OpheliaKatz

I'm going to be blunt here and I hope you are okay with that.

You don't have a boyfriend. There's a guy who is trying to stay sober who has no commitment to you and who has previously gone on dating sites to look for younger women... while you were waiting on the side, waiting for him to notice you. He has said that he didn't want a relationship. He is not ready for it. His life is a mess. His emotions are difficult to manage. He has no mental energy for a relationship. Believe him when he said that he did not want a serious relationship. He may have said he would get in touch again, but that doesn't mean he meant "I will get in touch and then have a serious relationship with you." He never said that -- am I right?

What are you getting out of this situation? I know what he's getting: he's getting your love and attention and he doesn't have to do anything to get it -- it's like stealing, he steals from you... the relationship requires no effort on his part. What exactly do you like about this guy who won't (and can't) treat you like his girlfriend?

Also... the other guy... what do you like about him? You don't have to date either one of them.

Always2018

Thank you. I like Blunt.
Yes I definitely don't have a Boyfriend. I have someone that comes over & has sex. The next day he stays in bed until about 3pm & then leaves. I am almost certain he is still clean but I am under no illusion that he is not coping well with life without drugs. I have done everything I can to support him. He gets badly depressed at times. Yet I do miss him terribly.

This other guy is honest, kind and has integrity although seems afraid of a relationship. I do know that if he saw 'my boyfriend' here he would be upset. I have never had anyone in my life treat me as kind as this guy does. I don't know if it will lead to more as he does not take the next step. But I am starting to develop feelings for him. I would not cheat ever though.

I don't know if I should contact my boyfriend or not. No trace of me exists on his social media. Of course his family know about me. I don't know why he won't commit. We had a better relationship while he was on drugs.

Thanks for replying. I have nobody to talk to about this

AnvilheadII

are you saying that the other person does not KNOW you currently HAVE a boyfriend of five years?

maybe a "no boyfriend" period would be good......time without having consider another person, and just focus on yourself, your interests, your goals.

Always2018

Yes he does not know as the boyfriend has not been around much. I did not discuss it with him as it is only lately I am developing feelings. Hard not to when the person supposed to be my boyfriend neglects me so much.

I feel like I have been on my own the last 6 months

PuzzledHeart

You need to make it official, not for him, but for you.

If you really care about the other guy, you have to lay it out for him. If he really cares for you, he'll give you the space and the time you need to get your head together. You'll feel a lot better just giving yourself space between your current boyfriend and the new guy.

I suspect he knows way more than he's letting on.

Have you watched the movie Truly, Madly, Deeply? It's one of my favorites. Has Alan Rickman in it which is always a joy. The plot goes like this: Nina has suffered the recent loss of her boyfriend. She is so much in the throes of grief that her dead boyfriend comes back to be with her. It is unclear if this is real or if her imagination is playing tricks on her.

He begins to do incredibly self-centered things to annoy her - turns up the heat to stifling levels, invites his friends to their bedroom to watch videos. In the meantime, she meets somebody else and is attracted to him. He really likes her, but he can tell that she's not a hundred percent there.

Anyway, I don't want to spoil the rest of the movie just in case you ever watch it. But the end is beautiful.

And for you, choose life, and don't settle for scraps.

Always2018

That is it exactly. I have been settling for scraps and I see that because the new guy is so good & kind to me & doing things that my boyfriend should have been doing.

I don't know how to even go about making it official. I'm so upset because despite everything I still love him and being officially single is scary. I have not heard from him since Monday when he came up with a shoddy excuse as a reason not to come see me.

53500

IF you hear from him again tell him it's over, don't call you again, don't come to see you, you're done. You don't have to explain why unless you really want to. It seems like his shoddy treatment of you and his *own* statement of saying he does not want a serious relationship speaks loud and clear.

Ann

He has no trouble avoiding you, just make the break dear and cut contact.

"Please don't call me again, it's over and I'm taking care of me now" is a good short sweet way to call it what it is, then cut the conversation. Don't engage in debate, once he is no longer controlling you, he may make promises you and I both know he will not keep.

"It's over, I wish you well." is sufficient.

And I agree with the wise ones before me here who say that now is a good time to just be with yourself, learn to love yourself enough not to settle for scraps and you may just find that YOU hold the key to your happiness...not boyfriend #1 or #2, but you. You have all along dear.

Always2018

He has plenty of ways of contacting me. I messaged him and told him I knew he was on a dating App but he of course got angry demanding to know what I was talking about & denying it. Why does he keep lying? He even told me to F Off.
But then usually a few weeks later - A sorry works to get me back but his behaviour is not changing.

I guess while not an addict now he still has the same personality. He has a history of suicide attempts. I am worried now that he may give up on life & it will be my fault for leaving when he is clearly struggling.

I feel very sad today. Why does he have to seek other women on these dating sites. 5 years is a long time. We are still connected by multiple social media accounts. I know I need to cut him off but I am afraid it will be the last straw. But it is not like he has shown me any consideration. I guess I was his fall back until he finds someone better or maybe a lady that will not know all his tricks.

Miserable

atalose

Not being mean just blunt……..it would appear that you have spent 3 years longer in this ill-fated relationship then you should have. Once the drugs appeared you should have made an exit and stood back to see what direction he was going to take himself in.

He uses you just for sex when it’s convenient for him. The rest of the time he’s just fine being on dating sites and living his life without you. Yet you have convinced yourself that you are somehow important enough that he might harm himself if you leave all together.

I think it’s all the other way around, you can’t seem to live your life without him.

Always2018

Blunt is ok. He has said lately that his life is a mess and not worth living. Even though it appears he was using me and he probably was, I was also a great support to him. Unfortunately I did not get the same back. Yes there is a huge fear that if I suddenly cut him off that he might harm himself. I like to think that he somewhat cared for me but I am probably deluding myself.

PuzzledHeart

A family member once threatened suicide. I called her doctor. She never pulled that stunt again.

Always2018

He does not threaten. He suffers very badly with depression & darkness. He had an almost successful attempt before I met him. It is a very real worry unfortunately.