Feeling a whole lot of guilt need some support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Feeling a whole lot of guilt need some support
Hi guys. This forum always helps me gain clarity in my codependency. I had to make a hard decision to detach from members of my family that have let me down so much that it was affecting me daily. My mom is an alcholic and likes to pit us adult children against each other but I don’t even think she realizes that she is doing it. My sister doesn’t have an issue with my moms addiction and thinks I’m overreacting for not wanting my mom in my daughters life. And my brother just wants everyone to pretend it’s okay. Don’t poke the bear. Don’t mention mom can’t come for dinner because she’s too hungover. I just had to detach. I’ve been doing great. Living my life for me finally. Standing up for myself when I normally would keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence. I’ve been trying to live very black and white but with detaching there are definitely gray areas. My dad is in that gray area. He’s still with my mom. He hates her disease but he is like my brother and doesn’t poke the bear. He said he’d rather her just let her get drunk and him not say anything than to have her scream at him for asking her to get help. I love my dad. But I’m feeling a lot of guilt today for not seeing him much since I decided to detach from my other family members. How can I see him a lot? He’s so entangled in the mess that even tho he’s a great person, I just find it hard to see him. In the past a lot of what we would talk about was my mom. Let’s be real, he’s codependent too. He wants nothing but for her to change. But I told everyone I refuse to talk about anything that has to do with her alcoholism. It’s not my responsibility anymore. I know I’m not responsible for my dads emotions but I saw him today and his sisters were there and they asked me what he did on his bday and I said I had him over for dinner a few nights before his bday but I didn’t go over on his birthday because I don’t talk to my mom anymore. They said she did nothing for him on his bday. I just had to say it’s a sad situation but it’s not my business what she does for him on his bday.
But now I’m feeling guilty. I feel bad for my dad. I don’t see him much now and I think he’s depressed since I decided to stay away. It’s such a difficult thing. I hate alcoholism. I try to accept my situation but on days like today. I have a hard time with it.
But now I’m feeling guilty. I feel bad for my dad. I don’t see him much now and I think he’s depressed since I decided to stay away. It’s such a difficult thing. I hate alcoholism. I try to accept my situation but on days like today. I have a hard time with it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 44
I'm sorry that you are feeling guilty, Jess2014. I don't have much to offer as I'm relatively new to al anon and recovery myself. But, one thing I know is that whenever I do something for just me, I feel better, I also feel a tinge of sadness when it makes others feel sad, but at the end of the day, you have to take care of you. You can only control your own actions. You celebrated your dad before his birthday, that's a nice thing to do. I'm sure he really appreciated it. As I say to my husband, I love you, but I don't want to be around you when you're like this (aka drunk). Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Jess,
I hear what you are saying.
Coming here is also what I do for some therapy.
I won't offer advice, other than sleep tends to help me feel better.
I relate to your pain.
In y life, I am trying to make the best of my dealt poker hands.
Sometimes i play them aggressively, others i lay down.
Today, I was frustrated by this selfish coworker. He is a brilliant man, but at times he is a total horses toosh.
I didn't fight back today. I sleep better usually taking the high road and letting folks beat me up a bit. Fighting w folks gets old for me, so I limit/pick the battles to go all in on.
Addict for life here.
Thanks
I hear what you are saying.
Coming here is also what I do for some therapy.
I won't offer advice, other than sleep tends to help me feel better.
I relate to your pain.
In y life, I am trying to make the best of my dealt poker hands.
Sometimes i play them aggressively, others i lay down.
Today, I was frustrated by this selfish coworker. He is a brilliant man, but at times he is a total horses toosh.
I didn't fight back today. I sleep better usually taking the high road and letting folks beat me up a bit. Fighting w folks gets old for me, so I limit/pick the battles to go all in on.
Addict for life here.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Yeah that's a tough one.
Guilt, I was talking to someone about that today. I hate it actually, it's kind of like worry, it doesn't accomplish much.
I guess the only thing it does do is to say, hey, you should look at this.
So you are but what can you do. I'm sure your Dad appreciates the time you do spend with him but of course for him it's not ideal that you are excluding your Mother.
The bottom line is, unless you are willing to accept her, this isn't really solvable as is.
Is your Mom ever sober or not hung over? When she is sober (if she is) is she ok as in ok to be around?
I'm just wondering if there is some kind of middle ground here at all. Is it possible to still visit with them both but only when your Dad gives the all clear? Doesn't mean you have to go back to attending every family function etc, just those you actually choose.
Again, not ideal, but there is no good solution here.
Guilt, I was talking to someone about that today. I hate it actually, it's kind of like worry, it doesn't accomplish much.
I guess the only thing it does do is to say, hey, you should look at this.
So you are but what can you do. I'm sure your Dad appreciates the time you do spend with him but of course for him it's not ideal that you are excluding your Mother.
The bottom line is, unless you are willing to accept her, this isn't really solvable as is.
Is your Mom ever sober or not hung over? When she is sober (if she is) is she ok as in ok to be around?
I'm just wondering if there is some kind of middle ground here at all. Is it possible to still visit with them both but only when your Dad gives the all clear? Doesn't mean you have to go back to attending every family function etc, just those you actually choose.
Again, not ideal, but there is no good solution here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jess.....when you start to feel guilt...(.actually, I think of it as a false guilt...because you have done nothing to feel guilty about)…...remember that this is what you have to do in order to stop the generational effects of alcoholism for your daughter....and that is BIG...and important, and a loving thing to do.
You have the right to live the kind of life that you want/need to.
You dad has had his chance to make his decisions..and, all decisions have consequences, either good or bad.....He had his chance. Now is your chance.....
You have the right to live the kind of life that you want/need to.
You dad has had his chance to make his decisions..and, all decisions have consequences, either good or bad.....He had his chance. Now is your chance.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by D122y 
Jess,
I hear what you are saying.
Coming here is also what I do for some therapy.
I won't offer advice, other than sleep tends to help me feel better.
I relate to your pain.
In y life, I am trying to make the best of my dealt poker hands.
Sometimes i play them aggressively, others i lay down.
Today, I was frustrated by this selfish coworker. He is a brilliant man, but at times he is a total horses toosh.
I didn't fight back today. I sleep better usually taking the high road and letting folks beat me up a bit. Fighting w folks gets old for me, so I limit/pick the battles to go all in on.
Addict for life here.
Thanks
I hear what you are saying.
Coming here is also what I do for some therapy.
I won't offer advice, other than sleep tends to help me feel better.
I relate to your pain.
In y life, I am trying to make the best of my dealt poker hands.
Sometimes i play them aggressively, others i lay down.
Today, I was frustrated by this selfish coworker. He is a brilliant man, but at times he is a total horses toosh.
I didn't fight back today. I sleep better usually taking the high road and letting folks beat me up a bit. Fighting w folks gets old for me, so I limit/pick the battles to go all in on.
Addict for life here.
Thanks
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Hi Jess. I'm sorry. This is such a tough situation. How old is your father? Does he have a smart phone or a facebook account? Is there something the two of you in particular share? Like the love of football or reading? I'm kicking around some ideas. My friend was kind of in your situation but she didn't live near her parents
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yeah that's a tough one.
Guilt, I was talking to someone about that today. I hate it actually, it's kind of like worry, it doesn't accomplish much.
I guess the only thing it does do is to say, hey, you should look at this.
So you are but what can you do. I'm sure your Dad appreciates the time you do spend with him but of course for him it's not ideal that you are excluding your Mother.
The bottom line is, unless you are willing to accept her, this isn't really solvable as is.
Is your Mom ever sober or not hung over? When she is sober (if she is) is she ok as in ok to be around?
I'm just wondering if there is some kind of middle ground here at all. Is it possible to still visit with them both but only when your Dad gives the all clear? Doesn't mean you have to go back to attending every family function etc, just those you actually choose.
Again, not ideal, but there is no good solution here.
Guilt, I was talking to someone about that today. I hate it actually, it's kind of like worry, it doesn't accomplish much.
I guess the only thing it does do is to say, hey, you should look at this.
So you are but what can you do. I'm sure your Dad appreciates the time you do spend with him but of course for him it's not ideal that you are excluding your Mother.
The bottom line is, unless you are willing to accept her, this isn't really solvable as is.
Is your Mom ever sober or not hung over? When she is sober (if she is) is she ok as in ok to be around?
I'm just wondering if there is some kind of middle ground here at all. Is it possible to still visit with them both but only when your Dad gives the all clear? Doesn't mean you have to go back to attending every family function etc, just those you actually choose.
Again, not ideal, but there is no good solution here.
Unfortunately my mom has done so much harm to herself that she’s miserable all the time and their house a complete mess always. I came to my breaking point when my daughter was born and I was like I can’t even bring her to her grandparents because it’s so disgusting there. As a kid growing up I thought mess was normal. As an adult, it gives me a lot of anxiety to even be there. Plus if my moms not drunk, she’s hungover and which makes her worse to be around. So there is no middle ground seeing them both.
So I guess all I can do is trust the choices I’ve made on emotionally difficult days like today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by dandylion
jess.....when you start to feel guilt...(.actually, I think of it as a false guilt...because you have done nothing to feel guilty about)…...remember that this is what you have to do in order to stop the generational effects of alcoholism for your daughter....and that is BIG...and important, and a loving thing to do.
You have the right to live the kind of life that you want/need to.
You dad has had his chance to make his decisions..and, all decisions have consequences, either good or bad.....He had his chance. Now is your chance.....
You have the right to live the kind of life that you want/need to.
You dad has had his chance to make his decisions..and, all decisions have consequences, either good or bad.....He had his chance. Now is your chance.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Clover71
Hi Jess. I'm sorry. This is such a tough situation. How old is your father? Does he have a smart phone or a facebook account? Is there something the two of you in particular share? Like the love of football or reading? I'm kicking around some ideas. My friend was kind of in your situation but she didn't live near her parents
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Jess2014
So I guess all I can do is trust the choices I’ve made on emotionally difficult days like today.
I'm glad your done with trying to make everyone happy all the time! Good for you, really. That's a big deal.
Your choices are solid you know. Since there is no middle ground here, nothing to be done except maybe your Dad, should he want to, can make more time to pop in and see you for short visits.
(Just saw your reply to Clover as we were posting at the same time - sounds like a great plan!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I faced a similar situation Jess, only for me it was the other way around. My Dad was the drinker and my Mum was codependent. My Dad was a functioning alcoholic for most of his life...until he wasn't...
It wasn't until I was in the midst of breaking up with my AXH that I realized how much , for my own sanity, I had to avoid alcoholics and addicts.... including my own Dad. I didn't see my Dad much the last two years of his life as he died shortly after my ex and I split up... I hated visiting them, I did not go often those last two years. My life was stressful enough at the time but to sit at their kitchen table, my Dad's swollen hand wrapped around a beer can, bleary eyed, unbathed and disheveled because he had to get up "early" (in the afternoon) because I was there to visit, was hell on Earth to me. My dad was a shell of his former self and my mother was bitter and snappy and annoyed with him to the point of making me uncomfortable. Visiting them was not good for my health.
It's sad, but I don't have regret for the time I missed with him by not visiting those last years. He wasn't the man I wanted to remember as my Dad. And I don't mind that I missed watching my mom be a codependent mess either... I'd done enough of that in my own marriage so to see it on display was damn painful to watch. I've come to a great realization over time, that my mother's codependence was just as bad and in some ways worse, for my growth in their home than my Dad's drinking was. It's not a blame thing, just a realization thing.
I think you are doing great with your boundaries Jess. Keep it up. Continue showing your kids a strong , healthy role model and the chances are good that your's will be a home your children will want to bring your grandchildren back to.
hugs
It wasn't until I was in the midst of breaking up with my AXH that I realized how much , for my own sanity, I had to avoid alcoholics and addicts.... including my own Dad. I didn't see my Dad much the last two years of his life as he died shortly after my ex and I split up... I hated visiting them, I did not go often those last two years. My life was stressful enough at the time but to sit at their kitchen table, my Dad's swollen hand wrapped around a beer can, bleary eyed, unbathed and disheveled because he had to get up "early" (in the afternoon) because I was there to visit, was hell on Earth to me. My dad was a shell of his former self and my mother was bitter and snappy and annoyed with him to the point of making me uncomfortable. Visiting them was not good for my health.
It's sad, but I don't have regret for the time I missed with him by not visiting those last years. He wasn't the man I wanted to remember as my Dad. And I don't mind that I missed watching my mom be a codependent mess either... I'd done enough of that in my own marriage so to see it on display was damn painful to watch. I've come to a great realization over time, that my mother's codependence was just as bad and in some ways worse, for my growth in their home than my Dad's drinking was. It's not a blame thing, just a realization thing.
I think you are doing great with your boundaries Jess. Keep it up. Continue showing your kids a strong , healthy role model and the chances are good that your's will be a home your children will want to bring your grandchildren back to.
hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Jess2014 -
(((((hugs))))))
I had to stop seeing my brothers at various points in their drinking careers and would never leave my kids alone with their Uncles, and as they got older I talked to them very openly about why we skipped certain family functions or invitations. I did that because I wish someone, some sober adult, had been open with me (with all of us as kids!) about our father's alcoholism. So I have always called alcoholism exactly what it is to my children, plain and simple, not some hairy monster that is so shameful we cannot even mention it. The truth conquers denial and removes shame, and keeps me in reality where I make best decisions.
But I felt terrible guilt too, and at the suggestion of my AlAnon sponsor at the time I started writing letters, especially to my baby brother, whom I ached for the most. Just loving letters, full of news and normalcy and love. Very rarely he wrote me back, and sometimes I could see the spark of my old pal in his humor.... anyway it absolutely helped alleviate my guilt, to love them from afar, to not get enmeshed or entangled in their alkie craziness but let them know that I was thinking of them, true, and that I loved them, true, and that I wished them happiness and peace, true!
So I love your idea of meeting Dad for shopping, of just finding ways to stay connected without crossing your safety/health boundary. I hope that works out for you both and you can enjoy some peaceful time with him. Leave Mom's reaction and anger to her. Not your side of the street!
Peace,
B.
(((((hugs))))))
I had to stop seeing my brothers at various points in their drinking careers and would never leave my kids alone with their Uncles, and as they got older I talked to them very openly about why we skipped certain family functions or invitations. I did that because I wish someone, some sober adult, had been open with me (with all of us as kids!) about our father's alcoholism. So I have always called alcoholism exactly what it is to my children, plain and simple, not some hairy monster that is so shameful we cannot even mention it. The truth conquers denial and removes shame, and keeps me in reality where I make best decisions.
But I felt terrible guilt too, and at the suggestion of my AlAnon sponsor at the time I started writing letters, especially to my baby brother, whom I ached for the most. Just loving letters, full of news and normalcy and love. Very rarely he wrote me back, and sometimes I could see the spark of my old pal in his humor.... anyway it absolutely helped alleviate my guilt, to love them from afar, to not get enmeshed or entangled in their alkie craziness but let them know that I was thinking of them, true, and that I loved them, true, and that I wished them happiness and peace, true!
So I love your idea of meeting Dad for shopping, of just finding ways to stay connected without crossing your safety/health boundary. I hope that works out for you both and you can enjoy some peaceful time with him. Leave Mom's reaction and anger to her. Not your side of the street!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’ve been trying to live very black and white but with detaching there are definitely gray areas
The grey area of life (the middle ground) is about learning patience, understanding and acceptance. The middle ground is where you are going to be your best in life where there is no success nor is there failure.
Finding and then living in that middle ground will bring you peace will bring you out of the extremes of your thinking and alleviate most of that guilt.
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