Grassalley17

Good morning, everyone! I haven't posted in a while, life has been insane, I've been here reading the forums, the stickies, and trying to educate myself about the disease of addition and alcoholism.

My husband is an alcoholic, his father was a very high functioning alcoholic, his mother (81) is an active alcoholic. We’ve been married for 22 years, together for 27, we don’t have any children.

In Feb, I moved out for 15-days because his drinking and drug use was chaotic. I moved back in when he agreed to get sober, he made it 30-days and then went back to it big time. It got bad, which I thought it would, and he quit again, but he wouldn’t go to AA or rehab. He did go to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression. He started taking meds, quit drinking and was feeling so much better. Life was starting to feel so much better. 17-days in, he relapsed, with the drinks and drugs again. On Monday, I moved out.

I told him that I need a break, I can’t live like this anymore, it’s too chaotic and I’m sad, stressed and mad. I’ve been living with friends and on Friday, I have a space of my own to go to for two weeks. One of my al anon friends graciously offered me her home while she goes on vacation.

Yesterday we both went to therapy seperately, and he also went to the dr. My therapist asked me what five things I was going to do this week to take care of myself. I said: find my own space so I can breathe for a few weeks, read my al anon books; start to work the steps, find a sponsor and go to a yoga class.

Today is his birthday, and I’m struggling regarding communication. He is seeing his doctor and a therapist, which is good, but I think it would be good for him to go to AA or rehab and connect with others that are trying to maintain sobriety. I know I have no control over what he does and how he takes care of himself and the only thing I can control is myself.

But, damn, it’s hard to do. I’m struggling with how we should communicate with each other, how long I should stay away and or if I should try to get him to move out. I miss him, he’s my best friend (he’s not been a good friend or husband in the past six months/year though). I’m also struggling because I miss my home, my dog and my relaxing space. Just putting this out there to the group b/c I know you all know how hard this is. My friends are well meaning, but they can’t relate and I also worry that I’m taking them along for this rollercoaster ride I’m on.

Thanks for listening!

dandylion

Grassalley….you know---unless he commits to a diligent program of sobriety (in addition to treatment for depression)…..relapse after a period of white knuckling is very, very predictable.....
for those who are actually diligently and consistently working a program, with sobriety as their number one priority....the early recovery period is about one to two years....others, say 3, 4, or 5 yrs. It takes time and commitment to change the alcoholic patterns of thinking, and attitude, and morphing that into actual changed actions.....
Reconnecting before seeing evidence of change in terms of thinking, attitude and actions.....over a period of time....is an invitation for you to become sad, depressed and living in chaos, again. Cutting another slice of the Misery Pie.
That is the reality.
do you really savor doing that again?

Very often, the alcoholic will make movements that give hope to the non-alcoholic spouse....like, going to a counselor or therapist....or going to a few AA meeting, but not really getting involved....to convince the spouse to return ….
It is sooo easy to convinced a spouse to return...because they tend to grab onto one molecule of hope like a life raft.....
If a spouse being there kept a spouse from drinking...most alcoholics would be sober...lol....
Your presence will never keep him sober...no matter what he may say....

Only his deep desire to get sober and do the hard work necessary for that to happen, will...…

Living arrangements...? Which is the most convenient to move out...depending on the situation?

I say to let your own happiness be your guide...not basing your actions on what he may or may not do.....

Grassalley17

Thanks Dandylion! As hard as it is for me to hear that, I know you're right. It's why I moved b/c I need space to take care of myself. We're lucky we have a good support system, that offer us places to stay and shoulders to lean on. I am going to try my hardest to stay away so that he can work on himself and I can work on myself. I try to tell him everyday that I need him to make progress, make a commitment to sobriety and stick with it. I'm glad he went to the therapist and to the dr, but I don't think it's enough, and that's what I told him. It's only been a few days, I keep trying to tell myself, we've been together for 27, what's a few days, or weeks, or months, or a year, a part. If that means, he gets better and I get better, than it's worth it. Thank you so much for your reply. I read all your replies on this forum and so appreciate your experience!

dandylion

thanks, Grassalley…it is good to know that somebody is reading!

There is no telling how you will feel...after 6wks......3,onths...6months.....
You may be very surprised...….

atalose

What I learned about the cycle of breaking up and making up is that without witnessing real progress and commitment there is never any sense in going back. He’s learned that all he has to do is show up for a Dr. appointment, sit in a therapists office for an hour and not drink and you’ll be back in 2 weeks and things go back to normal, his normal includes drinking.

I would not put a time frame on it and I would tell him it’s now his turn to leave the house and find another place to live while he figure out what he’s going to do differently this time to bring about real results.

If he refuses, then look for a place for yourself, maybe one where you can bring your dog and create your own safe comfort zone.

Grassalley17

Thanks Dandylion and Atalose, I am trying to stay strong for myself and reminding myself of how things have been, I think of all the times I felt alone even while living together, how sad I was and how he wasn't there for me. That's good advice, to not put a time frame on it.

"What I learned about the cycle of breaking up and making up is that without witnessing real progress and commitment there is never any sense in going back. He’s learned that all he has to do is show up for a Dr. appointment, sit in a therapists office for an hour and not drink and you’ll be back in 2 weeks and things go back to normal, his normal includes drinking. I would not put a time frame on it and I would tell him it’s now his turn to leave the house and find another place to live while he figure out what he’s going to do differently this time to bring about real results."

Yes, that's how I feel, like he thinks I'm going to come back when he makes those changes. I told him, I think those are good changes, and I support him, but I've agreed before to come back, and things just went back to the way they were, horrible. Right now, today, I'm saying no, I don't want to do that.

I'm praying I have strength to continue with that attitude.