coffeemama29

Hello. My husband is an alcoholic. I found these forums about 12 years ago when my then boyfriend was on Heroin. Obviously, I have a type.

AH is very verbally abusive and manipulative. He can also get aggressive and quite scary although physical abuse isn't happening. I have typical codependent behavior, trying to fix and blaming myself. I've been in therapy and went to alanon regularly for a while. Then life happened and I got unplugged.

Things have been very hard for about a year and a half. AH can't keep a job and this roller coaster is exhausting. I have a career and make decent money but we still struggle when he is not working. I suspect that he has Bipolar but he hasn't seen a doctor, or at least been honest with a doctor about it.

We have two small children, 2 and 5. All I want is for my family to remain intact. My kids adore their dad, but his aggression often frightens them.

I have a hard time biting my tongue and often make the outbursts worse. I can detach for a while, but he gets so angry when I do and the verbal/emotional abuse is much worse.

Lately he tells me that I don't take ownership of our problems and that I automatically think he is 100% at fault and I'm a perfect angel. As a codie, I automatically blame myself for everything so I'm not even sure what he's talking about. But in all honestly, the situation that he's put us in is largely his fault. I'm guessing that he's doing this to take the blame off of himself as a coping mechanism, but it's just so hard to deal with, especially when he is going around telling other people that I'm to blame.

So, I'm exhausted and very depressed. AH often says that he's leaving but never does. I don't want him to leave either, but I don't want to continue like this.

I don't know why I'm posting. I have little to no hope that things will get better. I've read a lot on here for the past several months. I consider myself fairly educated on alcoholism but I'm still just not willing to let go. I feel broken.

teatreeoil007

".....So, I'm exhausted and very depressed...."

And unfortunately, this is what can happen to the co-dependent. We can become sicker than the addict. In some cases the sickest ones are not the ones admitted to a facility for treatment.

This may seem like a repetitive question, but have you ever gone to AlAnon? If not, I'd give that a try.

Also, how about a visit to your Dr. to address your depression. I know what depression feels like....it's hard to do the things you need to do and take care of yourself when you get so far down. BUT, there is help and there is hope and I think you need to get it before you get any further down. You've been living with abuse for years. You've been using up your serotonin stores in order to cope so they are likely very depleted.

Sending a big hug your way. It's time to put yourself and your needs first, mama.

coffeemama29

I found my old username. Man, I was a dumb little s---. I got mad at all the honest advice I was given. Dear 18 year old me - maybe you should have listened and we wouldn't be here now! Kidding, mostly. I'm trying to treat myself with grace and forgiveness, as difficult as that is.

As far as al-anon, yes I have gone and even had a sponsor. I work long hours and with the two kids I stopped finding the time. I was so embarrassed for blowing off my sponsor that I never went back.

I do take some medication, and it does help keep my head above water. Sometimes it just feels like a bandaid on a much bigger wound.

I struggle because I feel like I'm supposed to be the ultimate supporter of my significant other. I bend until I break as far as that goes, and it still doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I would be abandoning him if I stopped being an emotional support system. I also have the 'oh he's sick, I'm supposed to take care of him' mentality as well.

trailmix

Hi coffeemama, welcome back, sorry things are so rough.

Well, yes, he is sick and yes a person should support their SO but here is the thing with addiction. If he had say - let's say he had paralysis. You might do everything for him but you would need to look in to getting respite care so that you and your children could have a break. He would also need to be doing therapy to help him help himself. You would modify your lives to fit this, with everyone pulling the wagon!

That's not how addiction works. He drags everyone down with him. You all are pulling the wagon and he's pulling the other way.

That's not what a true relationship is (and I mean any relationship - romantic, friend, sibling - whatever).

They adore him now, they will not adore him later. Kids don't know any better. Dad is great fun! oops Dad is mean and scares me. That's not normal but it is teaching them that one of the people that they are supposed to trust the most in this world can turn on them on a dime and be totally unreliable.

If you won't make a change for yourself, please consider your children. What they are going through will be a part of them for the rest of their lives. Watching an unhealthy parental relationship is damaging and no amount of therapy will erase that.

You mention "All I want is for my family to remain intact", why is that? What do you see there? Please know I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do, you just didn't mention why.

One other thing if you break down (yes, people do get to the end of their rope and have nervous breakdowns), who is going to look after you and the children?

teatreeoil007

Man...we can sure get ourselves into habits that become mindsets, don't we. "It doesn't feel like enough" because he is taking and taking like a bucket dipper. You are the bucket of water and the water is almost out. He'll just keep dipping and dipping into your bucket.....unless and until he gets sober and into true recovery. You're not responsible for his well being. You are not meant to be his sole or ultimate emotional support. And, who is supporting you, may I ask?

Yes, addiction is considered a sickness by some....however the nature of the disease is one in which the afflicted needs to really desire help and work on it themselves. It's ultimately up to the addict to do what it takes to get better. No one can do that for them.

I don't know what meds you are currently on for depression or how long you've been taking them. It may feel like a band aid and in some ways it is....the core issues do need to be addressed....but the right meds in an adequate dose can help you get through this until you feel more up to addressing some of the deeper issues. Or, what you are taking is no longer working like it should. Sometimes people need to change meds or have the dose increased. There are many folks who are on "baby doses" or entry level doses of an antidepressant. I'd still get with a Dr. and review that. Ideally they should work better than just holding your head above water.

In conjunction with medication, how about counseling? I know your time is limited. You've got a lot going on being a mom, working and dealing with his crap.

Whatever you do decide, remember we are here and you have our support. Please continue to treat yourself with grace and forgiveness, coffeemama. You deserve the best!

Westexy

CoffeeMama - I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you asked for advice so I won't offer any. Five years ago, I could have written almost exactly what you wrote. I was completely focused on keeping my husband in the picture solely for my child's benefit. I won't go into all the reasons I now think it would have been better to separate earlier unless you want to get into that, but I do believe that now. Because I was fearful, tired and codependent, I wasn't able to make good decisions about our family. I'm not saying that this is the case with you, but it is so hard to see clearly in your position, especially with someone criticizing and blaming you constantly.

atalose

And neither is he, he's not willing to let go of the drinking. So while you have educated yourself on alcoholism, he has not and he doesn’t appear to want to either.

Maybe now it’s time to focus on educating yourself on co-dependency and breaking that cycle and learning new coping skills. Because your way doesn’t seem to be working out for you.

You say you have a type, did you grow up with alcoholism/addiction? Usually it’s not a type but more of a familiarity with certain behaviors that attracts you to addicts.

Cycles of alcoholism/codependency learned behaviors tend to be handed down from one generation to another. Your children are the next generation, they will learn certain behaviors and repeat them.

I think coming back here is a great start, maybe check out some al-anon meetings and keep reading/posting.

coffeemama29

Strangely, no - my parents are devout Christians and don't drink, don't swear, nothing. I was completely oblivious to my first boyfriend's addiction because I had never been exposed to it before.

I am scared for my kids and what they have had to witness. My son is 5 and starting to really see what is happening.

I met AH when I was working in a bar in college. We drank together and I always assumed that we would grow up and stop eventually. Well, I did and he didn't.

The last year and a half or so has just been insanity, with a couple of good weeks in between. I just hold on to this hope that those good weeks could be our reality.

He has a therapy appointment on Friday and he's acting like that is going to be his fix-all. Until then, it's not working and drinking most of the day.

I am almost certain that I have the book Codependent No More somewhere. I may brush that off and give it another read.

coffeemama29

I guess I just feel like my kids deserve both of their parents together and to love each other. And we do love each other, despite all of the garbage I really do love the man. My parents have been together for like 30+ years so I guess that's the blueprint that I want to reach for.

It's also that I've invested so much time in this relationship, and he really is my best friend. You know, we're supposed to grow old together. We have been together for almost 8 years - most of my adult life. It's such a foreign thought to think of life without him. And to start over is just such an overwhelming thought.

I also know that I'm teaching my daughter that it's ok to put up with behavior like this. And my son that behavior like this is acceptable. I beat myself up, because I'm like - what kind of mother am I to expose them to this?

My thoughts/emotions go all over the place.

trailmix

Completely understandable really, about your emotions. It's a conflict for sure.

It's not always easy being a parent. They don't say at the wedding ceremony that your wife or husband might end up forcing you to choose between the welfare of your children and them.

This environment, as you already know, will affect them and not just them, their spouses and children too.

You can read around SR and find stories of children estranged from the sober spouse when they grow up. Why is that? Well from what I can gather when you spend years and years in an environment where you are always walking on eggshells trying to comfort the addict, that carries on in to adulthood for many. At that point the other spouse may have up and left but the children's allegiance to the person that needs looking after remains, the other parent becomes the enemy.

It's complicated and if you choose to stay I would really recommend getting them in to some form of therapy. I don't think it's a cure all but it's certainly better than nothing.

What is so lovable about your spouse?

atalose

It’s a confusing time that’s for sure. What I have learned was when I was feeling confused it was often because I was not living in reality, not wanting to accept reality or deal with it. Because there really is nothing confusing at all about reality, it is what it is, we just don’t like it.

Not much you can do about him or his drinking or lack of employment so turn all of that focus inward on the things you can control, which is you and how you cope with all of this. Begin to put a plan together for yourself and your children so that his drinking will have a minimal effect on all of you. That plan can include not being in the home while he is intoxicated, going to a park, going to a movie, visiting family. Figure out what boundaries you are willing to stick by for yourself and your children.

I used to think all of those same things as you do, he was my best friend, life partner, been together for 10 years etc. etc. The reality was the person passed out in the room with me was no longer my best friend or someone I wanted as a life partner. I could no longer count on my best friend or have a serious talk with my best friend or make rational decisions with my life partner because that person was not there anymore only a mere shell of his body and sometimes a glimpse of his old self but that old self didn’t stick around long. I wanted a whole best friend person each and every single day not glimpses or moments or a few days a month of someone I used to knew and then filled with someone I no longer even liked.

Michsm

You mentioned he is your life partner but the question is are you his life partner or is alcohol?

@atalose, great post. I can relate!

princessosceola

This is my first time on this forum and I feel like I just read my life!!

coffeemama29

Yeah, it's pretty incredible how many of these threads I've read and I'm like YES that's ME TOO. It's actually pretty sad when you think about it, but you are TRULY not alone. I think Al-anon refers to it as YANA.

I find a lot of hope in these threads. It's hard for family and friends to relate, but people here just know.

coffeemama29

Yeahhhhhhhhhh buddy this is a really hard realization. The glimpses of the man that I love are really the hardest part. We had a vacation recently, and I swear it was the best week I've had in a very, very long time. We bonded and had an amazing time together as a family. But by the time we got home things went to sh!t. He can't handle real life. That vacation really got me messed up in the head because it was so nice to have him back. But it was so fleeting...

mamabear26

Hi Coffeemama, your husband's statements about it "being your fault" and him "wanting to leave" sounds a lot like what my STBAXH use to tell me. Like you tried to do whatever I could to keep my family intact. It was exhausting. The day he finally left (took off drunk at 1am walking) I thought my life was over. But it was actually a blessing in disguise. Now I don't have to deal with the daily drunk behavior (verbal abuse, stumbling falling everywhere, peeing in other places besides the restroom). Although the part regarding the kids is still difficult but my kids are with me the majority of the time. But me and my kids now have peace being in our home without walking on eggshells. You continue living your life and taking care of your kids. Don't let his alcoholism consume you.

atalose

Life is meant to be far more than just a good week or some happy moments. But life with an active alcoholic/addict sadly turns into just moments until one day you wake up and can’t even remember when that last moment was.

Mango212

Hi coffeemama,

Early recovery for me was:

"This is really working for me! I'll stop doing it now."

What?!?!

I don't know why it was like that, yet others related to that and I related to them and somewhere along the way life changed. I became more important to me than anything else. I became willing to give myself the love and devotion to be happy, joyous and free. I found it was possible to have a good life far outside my comfort zone.

And I found, after trying many many ways to prove this wrong, that I did not have the power to give my kids two healthy parents. What I could do is give my adult kids freedom to live their lives without entanglements and updates of if their dad was sober or not (not my business) and I can give our youngest son one very healthy parent who enjoys life.

One day at a time. Baby steps. It's okay to drop back into Al-anon, find other counseling, do whatever it takes to take care of you.

NYCDoglvr

Alanon taught me I'm powerless over other people. If I'm unhappy it's within my power by to change it by changing the situation. If I focus on the other person nothing changes but if I focus on making changes in myself, miracles can happen