alwayscovering

My oldest child isn't actually mine. But I've been raising him for the last 11 years-still doesn't give me any rights to him.

He called because he got hurt at football practice and we don't know where AH is because he's not at work. I call his cousin who lives across the street and he says yes, AH's car is in the driveway. I'm F*&(ing livid right now. My husband's aunt is taking him to the ER. I was trying to decide if I should have cousin go across the street and get him or just take care of it myself. I do have the authorization to get him medical treatment. This is one of my fears and why I don't leave the kids alone with him. Something will happen to one of the kids in his care and he'll be too drunk to do anything about it.

I want to shake the sh*t out of him right now....DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM NOW!!??? but he doesn't and he won't. At this point I think *I* need Xanax or Ativan to remain on this effing roller coaster.


*note* ER called and asked me to E-sign some forms and give verbal permission for her to get him treatment. She's such a doll. She knows what I'm going through and tries to help as much as possible.

VigilanceNow

Hi Always - what an incredibly trying situation. It is really wonderful that you are there for his son, as his surely needs a stable parental presence in his life now more than ever.

As for your husband, it sounds like he is very deep into his alcoholism at this point. He must care about his son, but - and I can attest to this (though I have no children) - alcohol can make one numb to just about anything, and cloud your judgment to such a degree that everything takes a back seat to finding more booze.

You clearly need to have a very serious conversation with him, but two things need to happen first:
1. You should do something to get yourself calm, collected, and rational. It will not be productive to scream and shake him, and I'm sure you know that - that's why you posted on here
2. He needs to sober up so that he can actually hear and comprehend what you are saying to him. This behavior is unacceptable under any circumstances, but the man has a family - he needs to be responsible for this. I would try to use this unfortunate accident incurred by your step-son as a teachable moment, as they say. If he's receiving treatment, I'm glad to hear he's goign to be okay; but that may not always be the case. Would he prefer to be passed out and/or blacked out and powerless to help or even offer input as to what should happen? He needs to understand the gravity of this.

I'm not big on ultimatums, but you don't want to wait until something terrible and/or irreversible happens for him to wake up and realize he needs treatment. Maybe involving family and friends in an intervention sort of thing would make him realize the impact of his drinking?

alwayscovering

I've decided against an intervention. The grip that alcohol has on him right now is pretty tight. I doubt it would help. I've started going to al anon to get help for myself. I will stay for now and see how things go. If he decides he's never going to quit that's fine but it means I'll have to make alternative living arrangements for myself and our youngest. His son will always be welcome in my home and he knows that. I just don't have any right to take him.

AnvilheadII

the child is ok and receiving medical care, yes? THAT is was is most important, not who was where and when. keep your focus there, instead of adding another timber to the pile at the base of the stake.

i am not suggesting you give the AH a free pass, but your anger isn't going to help YOU. let's say he WAS at work, but in a meeting, or otherwise involved in an uninterruptable work thing - he still would not have been immediately available. or conversely, you could have been in a meeting or on an airplane and not immediately available.

the child is in good hand's, another family member is there.

alwayscovering

Yes he's okay, they saw him pretty quickly. It's nothing serious. The doctor I spoke with indicated he thinks he might have been exaggerating how much it hurt. Now I'm wondering if he's just trying to get AH's attention.

VigilanceNow

So glad he's okay, always! That is truly sad though, to think of a kid who is desperate enough to possibly exaggerate an injury to get his father's attention.

I'm so happy to hear you are going to Alanon

I suppose at the end of the day, he has to decide for himself that he has had enough of his drinking. No amount of punishment or guilting will stop him if he doesn't want to stop himself. I truly hope that it doesn't take some catastrophic event for him to realize the impact alcoholism has on everyone.

Good for you for thinking of yourself and your children first -- that truly is the best thing for you right now!

dandylion

alwayscovering….I believe that you took your husband to the VA to get into treatment, recently...last Friday? And, If I am correct...you were disappointed in how it turned out?......is he actually going into any treatment, at this time?


About youself…...one thing that I have always endorsed...when your emotions are such that you feel like exploding....is what I call the "wailing wall"...…I have certainly use it...and it works.....It helps to externalize the stress and anger, and get it out of your body.....

Ideally....one goes to a safe place...like the edge of the woods, or beach, or empty parking lot, etc. Pretend that the person that you are having feelings toward, is a few feet in front of you. Then proceed to say anything that comes into your mind...totally uncensored....yell, scream, curse, cry, etc....making sure to completely bare your soul. You can curse God or The Universe, as well....
Do this until you are exhausted and can't go on , any more...until your makeup is ruined, and your eyes are swollen from crying, your voice is hoarse, and the snot is running down.....

One can, also, do abbreviated versions, also....anywhere...as long as nobody is around to hear you.....(they will think you are nuts)…..


I have done this when the pain was so bad that I thought I could die.....or, so angry that I couldn't think straight.....


You have said a few times that you are going to see how things go...….

In the meantime, I think that lowering your expectations of him....like down to the ground....
You might as well begin to think of yourself as a "single parent"....because, you mostly are, anyway....aren't you...?
It is said that it isn't what happens that upsets us the most...it is what we EXPECTED to happen that disappoints us.....
He is too far into his disease, right now, to be what you want him to be.....
It may take some practice to be able to accept that reality...….

Sasha1972

I'm not sure that having a conversation with your husband about this will accomplish much. Unless he's really dumb, he knows that getting drunk interferes with his ability to function as a parent and he makes the choice to get drunk anyway. Unfortunately, I don't believe in the power of the "wake-up call" - the addict brain is far too invested in addiction to be able to process events the way a normal brain would. I suspect what you would get is some variant on:

1. Denial (it didn't happen).
2. Minimization (okay, it happened but it wasn't that bad)
3. Deflection (okay, it happened and it was that bad, but it wasn't my fault)
4. Empty promise/magical thinking (okay, it happened and it was that bad and it was my fault but it will never happen again because I don't want it to)

5. ... it happens again.

I"m glad you're thinking about living as an "official" single parent (in addition to being a sort of de facto single parent for ages). Your husband has his choices to make and you have yours.

alwayscovering

I do the wailing wall thing in the car...I just happen to be at work right now.

I know that I have to lower my expectations. It's hard. I'm fortunate I have family around me to help me with the younger one and my older one is 16 and usually drives himself around.

He has a general assessment for his disability and medical services on 07/20. They will more than likely recommend counseling for his PTSD. They always do. He'll go at first. Once they figure out he's an addict they will recommend substance abuse treatment or AA and he'll quit going. I tried that one already-getting him to go to therapy for PTSD and waiting for the therapist to figure it out.

This is why I chose to stop fighting and go to al anon. I can't help him. I just can't help being so angry either.

trailmix

Anger isn't a bad thing necessarily, i'm all for it in fact, go anger! It can be used as kind of an energy to set us off in the right direction.

The problem occurs when we get stuck there.

It certainly is, at first. Nothing can be gained from having expectations that are impossible for someone to meet. He is incapable of meeting your expectations right now, the reason doesn't really matter.

Lowering your expectations is not about giving him a break by the way, it's about giving yourself a break. Him not meeting them is pretty much having zero impact on his life, he just goes along and drinks, but for you, well, you already know the impact it's having.

Maybe by looking at it as something you are doing for yourself will be helpful, I don't know but I do wish you well.

FreeOwl

al anon and getting help for yourself are great ideas.

As for seeing how things go - they will get worse.

So, if you're truly decided to 'stay for now' - be prepared for that.

Mango212

My oldest child isn't actually mine. But I've been raising him for the last 11 years-still doesn't give me any rights to him.


Words influence the way I look at things. The way I look at things influences the words I use. The words above seem to come from a victim-mode. Been there. Done this. Had no idea for quite a long time.

Prayer. Meditation. Ask for new words. New ways to look at this. Re-write your story.

My good relationships have become stronger. My toxic relationships have lost their control over me.

Some phrases that come to mind:

"God brought my oldest child into my life. Thank you, God."

"I have medical authority and am able to show up for my son. Thank you, God."

"God, I am really angry! Help me!"


(((hugs)))

alwayscovering

I agree it’s probably not a healthy way of thinking but it’s 11 years of “be his mom” “you’re not his mom” him constantly overriding every decision I make.

I will try to find a way to express that without seeming like a victim

Mango212

it’s 11 years of “be his mom” “you’re not his mom” him constantly overriding every decision I make.


This is important. Important to be able to see the source of the problem and the length of time you've been dealing with it.

Battle wounds this deep find a way to catch one's attention at some point.

Mango212

I'm thinking of my healing from emotional abuse. It came in stages. There first came a point in time when the pain became so evident it required my full attention.

1. Awareness. This hurt. I was so conditioned to the environment I was in, I was in deep amounts of pain before I gained a good awareness of it.

2. Anger. Bubbling up. Coming out sideways. I wasn't just hurting. I was also very angry about the hurt. A neccessary part of the healing process.

3. Learning. Educating myself about emotional abuse recovery and reaching out for resources online and in person.

4. Building trust inside myself.

5. Building healthy relationships with others.

I was even mad about needing help, yet finding safe places to explore healing brought it about much quicker.

trailmix

You don't sound like a victim here to me, I didn't read it that way.

I see a person with some emotional distance dealing with the facts.

The fact is he is not legally your child. Add in the mixed messages from his Father and of course you have put up some emotional distance, that's a healthy response in my opinion.

TropicalWinter

I try to not disclose too much personal information in this public arena, but I will say that I totally identify with the situation with your oldest. It's SO hard.


The above poster is correct as well - this will get worse. It's the nature of alcoholism. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Mango212

My view is different. I've been through different things.

Family is, to me, not what is legal, by blood, marriage or from what other people tell me.

Family are very special people to me. My family includes some people who I have no legal bonds to.

God guides this. Prayer. Meditation. Finding safe, healing places with people who understand what I've been through more than I was able to see.

SaveHer

I agree with many of the points many people have already made:

1. Talking to him will, most likely, make no difference. It will fall on deaf/drunk ears. I used to think that if I could just articulate my pain and fear clearly and compellingly enough, I could make him see the light. In other words, I used to think that I could control him. It's all an exercise in futility. ALL of it: the worrying, the talking, the stressing, the hoping. It took me a while, but now I know that the best I can do is take care of me and my daughter and, unfortunately, the only way I can do that is without him around.

2. Anger can be a good thing, like a protective barrier. When I finally kicked out AXBF after 10 years and with a three-month-old child in my arms, after he threatened me and endangered her, I needed my anger to protect me from romanticizing the situation. Maybe he will change! Maybe he will be a good father! Maybe I should give him another chance! Without my anger, I'd still be in the thick of it, an anxious mess of a person. Instead, my daughter and I live in a safe, sane home full of fun and happiness. Thank goodness for anger!