Is this a "quack"?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Is this a "quack"?
I'm new to this whole recognizing a "quack" deal, so help me if you can.
I'd appreciate your 2 cents, from both sides, family/friends of and also recovering A's.
I realize this is maybe too vague, but....
In your experience, if you are accused of having a "holier than thou attitude" from someone (husband in this case) who is almost 120 days sober and you KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that you are NOT acting as they so accuse...........what exactly is that?
I seriously and honestly have no idea why I was accused of this.
I know I am not acting holier than thou.
I know my refrigerator is not blue. (that's going to sound crazy to someone who hasn't hear that metaphor/story, sorry)
I'd appreciate your 2 cents, from both sides, family/friends of and also recovering A's.
I realize this is maybe too vague, but....
In your experience, if you are accused of having a "holier than thou attitude" from someone (husband in this case) who is almost 120 days sober and you KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that you are NOT acting as they so accuse...........what exactly is that?
I seriously and honestly have no idea why I was accused of this.
I know I am not acting holier than thou.
I know my refrigerator is not blue. (that's going to sound crazy to someone who hasn't hear that metaphor/story, sorry)
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
It was after a morning of weird bickering.....I'm not sure what else to call it. He seemed so easily offended this morning.
He went metal detecting on the beach last night, something he rarely gets to do. And I laughed a bit at how little was found (because usually the only things found are a bit of pocket change, soda can tops and the occasional toy). I didn't think what I said was rude, but he said it hurt his feelings and that it felt like I was saying that what he was doing was a waste of time. It wasn't my intention at all and I wasn't being mean.....
Then almost right after.....I made mention of someone's number I didn't have and that I wish I had their email address (my cell phone just broke and I don't have everyone's number's memorized). He asked who it was and that maybe he had their number and I said, oh, no it's a girl I met in Al-Anon so you wouldn't have it. I could almost physically see him wince when I mentioned the word Al-Anon! I said.....did it bother you that I mentioned it so casually? He said yes! He basically doesn't want to be reminded of his failings.....and then about an hour later came the accusation of being holier than thou.......this was during a conversation where I was trying to understand what I had said that caused him to feel so hurt.
He went metal detecting on the beach last night, something he rarely gets to do. And I laughed a bit at how little was found (because usually the only things found are a bit of pocket change, soda can tops and the occasional toy). I didn't think what I said was rude, but he said it hurt his feelings and that it felt like I was saying that what he was doing was a waste of time. It wasn't my intention at all and I wasn't being mean.....
Then almost right after.....I made mention of someone's number I didn't have and that I wish I had their email address (my cell phone just broke and I don't have everyone's number's memorized). He asked who it was and that maybe he had their number and I said, oh, no it's a girl I met in Al-Anon so you wouldn't have it. I could almost physically see him wince when I mentioned the word Al-Anon! I said.....did it bother you that I mentioned it so casually? He said yes! He basically doesn't want to be reminded of his failings.....and then about an hour later came the accusation of being holier than thou.......this was during a conversation where I was trying to understand what I had said that caused him to feel so hurt.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Sounds like a big old QUACK to me...
He is likely feeling "less than" and he is transferring the blame for that on to you.
My AXH could never own his negative feelings, they were always somebody else's fault. He would do or say something to hurt my feelings and if I called him out on it he would turn it around on me and get angry that I made him feel bad about hurting my feelings.... it was INSANITY
He is likely feeling "less than" and he is transferring the blame for that on to you.
My AXH could never own his negative feelings, they were always somebody else's fault. He would do or say something to hurt my feelings and if I called him out on it he would turn it around on me and get angry that I made him feel bad about hurting my feelings.... it was INSANITY
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to me.....a "Quack" sounds so ridiculously stupid and illogical, or unecessary for the situation that it makes you head spin...…(and it is often something that defends their drinking)…..
The example that you give, above, like some others have eluded to....sounds, to me, like it is probably a reflection of his own feelings of about himself...or, resentments toward you for coming between him and his desire to drink without interference.
Remembering, that anything or anyone who comes between the alcoholic and their drinking....is viewed as the "enemy"....even if they are a loved one.....
I, actually, sense that he is feeling that you may think you are "better than him"...because you aren't an alcoholic and you think he shouldn't drink. Like, maybe, he views it that you are pushing your values onto him.....
Did you read a few pages in the "Quackers" thread....?
The example that you give, above, like some others have eluded to....sounds, to me, like it is probably a reflection of his own feelings of about himself...or, resentments toward you for coming between him and his desire to drink without interference.
Remembering, that anything or anyone who comes between the alcoholic and their drinking....is viewed as the "enemy"....even if they are a loved one.....
I, actually, sense that he is feeling that you may think you are "better than him"...because you aren't an alcoholic and you think he shouldn't drink. Like, maybe, he views it that you are pushing your values onto him.....
Did you read a few pages in the "Quackers" thread....?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Lakegirl.
Living with a drinker, even a non drinking one at this point in time, is no picnic.
Often, it’s enough for them, they feel, to have stopped drinking.
They may not want to own the wreckage caused prior to and just want to move on, start fresh.
Having had experience in Al-Anon, I can tell you that there can be animosity and suspicion about what actually happens in Al-Anon meetings, especially by the alcohol addicted SO or spouse.
In your situation, that your husband reacted to your mention of having met someone at Al-Anon indicates to me that he either doesn’t understand how the group works, or, again, doesn’t wish to take responsibilty for past hurts and actions.
Sounds like he is struggling with this, maybe, and you get to be the lucky recipient of his unease.
Don’t really have answers, just a few thoughts.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Living with a drinker, even a non drinking one at this point in time, is no picnic.
Often, it’s enough for them, they feel, to have stopped drinking.
They may not want to own the wreckage caused prior to and just want to move on, start fresh.
Having had experience in Al-Anon, I can tell you that there can be animosity and suspicion about what actually happens in Al-Anon meetings, especially by the alcohol addicted SO or spouse.
In your situation, that your husband reacted to your mention of having met someone at Al-Anon indicates to me that he either doesn’t understand how the group works, or, again, doesn’t wish to take responsibilty for past hurts and actions.
Sounds like he is struggling with this, maybe, and you get to be the lucky recipient of his unease.
Don’t really have answers, just a few thoughts.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Ohhhhhh
Originally Posted by dandylion 
to me.....a "Quack" sounds so ridiculously stupid and illogical, or unecessary for the situation that it makes you head spin...…(and it is often something that defends their drinking)…..
The example that you give, above, like some others have eluded to....sounds, to me, like it is probably a reflection of his own feelings of about himself...or, resentments toward you for coming between him and his desire to drink without interference.
Remembering, that anything or anyone who comes between the alcoholic and their drinking....is viewed as the "enemy"....even if they are a loved one.....
I, actually, sense that he is feeling that you may think you are "better than him"...because you aren't an alcoholic and you think he shouldn't drink. Like, maybe, he views it that you are pushing your values onto him.....
Did you read a few pages in the "Quackers" thread....?
The example that you give, above, like some others have eluded to....sounds, to me, like it is probably a reflection of his own feelings of about himself...or, resentments toward you for coming between him and his desire to drink without interference.
Remembering, that anything or anyone who comes between the alcoholic and their drinking....is viewed as the "enemy"....even if they are a loved one.....
I, actually, sense that he is feeling that you may think you are "better than him"...because you aren't an alcoholic and you think he shouldn't drink. Like, maybe, he views it that you are pushing your values onto him.....
Did you read a few pages in the "Quackers" thread....?
Actually.....the accusation came right after he said something to the effect of, "Do you think I was drinking while out metal detecting last night? Because I wasn't. Didn't even occur to me." (I had not asked or investigated or anything....I've stopped playing detective.)
THEN came the holier than thou dart. So.....in that context....I guess I sort of did feel like it was out of nowhere and illogical. I hadn't even asked about drinking.....and he brought it up...and then still accused me of having the holier than thou attitude yet HE brought it up!
I was just rather confounded.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I have been the recipient of a couple "holier than thou accusations" always in writing and always after I unemotionally stood my ground and kept my boundary. If I dont "play the victim" than I am holier than thou in his eyes. Only way out is to play the victim , a lose lose situation
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
He seemed so easily offended this morning.
Sounds like an alcoholic. Or a family member of an alcoholic. Or being human while going through mental & physical healing from a major illness or trauma.
A huge part of recovery (ours and others) is learning new communication skills. Some things don't need an answer. Some answers can be started out with, "Thank you. I appreciate that." Especially if I'm not wanting help!
It can change dynamics quickly. If not in their mind, more importantly in my own openness to changing.
A dual winner one day listened to a frustration I had and shared with me the concept of saying "thank you."
Blew my mind.
I didn't want to say thank you. Yet I started doing this more often, especially when frustrated with others, and something big shifted inside me and around me.
Magic of life. God at work.
Sounds like an alcoholic. Or a family member of an alcoholic. Or being human while going through mental & physical healing from a major illness or trauma.
A huge part of recovery (ours and others) is learning new communication skills. Some things don't need an answer. Some answers can be started out with, "Thank you. I appreciate that." Especially if I'm not wanting help!
It can change dynamics quickly. If not in their mind, more importantly in my own openness to changing. A dual winner one day listened to a frustration I had and shared with me the concept of saying "thank you."
Blew my mind.
I didn't want to say thank you. Yet I started doing this more often, especially when frustrated with others, and something big shifted inside me and around me.
Magic of life. God at work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Mango212
He seemed so easily offended this morning.
Sounds like an alcoholic. Or a family member of an alcoholic. Or being human while going through mental & physical healing from a major illness or trauma.
A huge part of recovery (ours and others) is learning new communication skills. Some things don't need an answer. Some answers can be started out with, "Thank you. I appreciate that." Especially if I'm not wanting help! It can change dynamics quickly. If not in their mind, more importantly in my own openness to changing.
A dual winner one day listened to a frustration I had and shared with me the concept of saying "thank you."
Blew my mind.
I didn't want to say thank you. Yet I started doing this more often, especially when frustrated with others, and something big shifted inside me and around me.
Magic of life. God at work.
Sounds like an alcoholic. Or a family member of an alcoholic. Or being human while going through mental & physical healing from a major illness or trauma.
A huge part of recovery (ours and others) is learning new communication skills. Some things don't need an answer. Some answers can be started out with, "Thank you. I appreciate that." Especially if I'm not wanting help!
It can change dynamics quickly. If not in their mind, more importantly in my own openness to changing. A dual winner one day listened to a frustration I had and shared with me the concept of saying "thank you."
Blew my mind.
I didn't want to say thank you. Yet I started doing this more often, especially when frustrated with others, and something big shifted inside me and around me.
Magic of life. God at work.
I think maybe I'm having trouble differentiating between alcoholic tendencies and just regular human traits. It's like the relationship itself is getting sober.......
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Not quacking, just being sensitive. Super common in early recovery.
It took me a year to trust my brain and feelings after I quit drinking. And even now, my wife and. Sometimes get sucked into “weird bickering” (well put by the way), cause we’re both sensitive people.
It took me a year to trust my brain and feelings after I quit drinking. And even now, my wife and. Sometimes get sucked into “weird bickering” (well put by the way), cause we’re both sensitive people.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I, too, get “you are so self-righteous” or “stop playing a victim and own your part”.
I don’t even listen or engage - at this point it all sounds like blah blah blah and I have a freedom of hanging up or walking away - he is an ex after all
I don’t even listen or engage - at this point it all sounds like blah blah blah and I have a freedom of hanging up or walking away - he is an ex after all
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