rayna87

For once this weekend. The best friend texted me a few hours ago and asked if I wanted to "be random" and come be her "plus one" at some sort of charity event, at a resort in a tiny little town probably about an hour away. I did consider going. Be spontaneous, live my life, all that. A month ago, I would've been upstairs showering and starting to get ready, with my usual 'pregame' glass of wine, getting ready for the latest adventure with my best drinking buddy. There was too much that was questionable about this, though. For starters, I had a baaaad feeling she'd gotten in yet another drunken fight with her boyfriend and he had either left, or wasn't dealing with her, so I was pretty much going out to be her babysitter. That happens more often than not, 5 minutes away from my house. But I wasn't comfortable driving somewhere I'd NEVER been, totally unfamiliar, to get myself involved in their latest drama. She tagged him out there with her on FB last night...why all of a sudden does she need a "random" plus one? Something happened, and I wanted no part of it, especially so far away from home.

More importantly, I had too many other questions about this little event. Short of interrogating her, there was too much unknown. Was there an open bar? Probably - I asked her first if she was at a wedding, and she said the charity event but also said "same thing". And with my guess probably being correct about the boyfriend, they had to have gotten the alcohol from somewhere. I know them too well. Next questions. There is a very good chance alcohol is involved in this charity event. That's fine. I know you all are not proponents of moderation, so I won't get into that. But was I going to be staying over at this resort with her? What is that situation? Am I going to have to drive an hour back home, at God knows what time, a way I've NEVER been or driven before? Again, what is going on with the boyfriend?? Too much of this just sounded like bad news waiting to happen.

So I stalled her first. I actually used my plans from last night and said I was doing that tonight. Told her I was at dinner with my friend and his girlfriend. That was last night. I waited about an hour, then texted her again that I didn't think I could make it all the way out there, and that I was sorry + a million sad face emojis, all of that BS. I knew I made the right call, and shouldn't be sitting here trying to justify it to myself. But she hasn't responded and I'm freaking out about that. As I know I've said, this girl is pretty much my only constant, go-to friend here. I'm used to basically doing whatever she wants me to do because I constantly kiss her butt, 'cause she's kind of all I have, except for my family. I have other casual friends/acquaintances here, but none I would really call or text out of the blue to do something. This girl is it, and even though she's a big partier and brings out that side of me, she HAS been a real friend many times, has really had my back when I've needed it.

The little bit I knew of the situation at this event/resort just screamed bad news, so I definitely made the right choice, I just hope not at the expense of this friend

Atlast9999

It sounds like you made a tough, but good, decision. Focus on you right now. Friends will come.

Dee74

If a good decision meant losing a friend, I'd have to think maybe they weren't that great a friend anyway?

D

Gottalife

In my experience there would come a time when an even tougher decision would have to be made and it would be out of your hands.

I had a good friend like that. He liked to drink a lot too, and most of the time he didn't have too many objections to my behaviour. As I got nearer the end of my drinking, more and more poeple turned their backs on me. All except him, my last really good friend.

Then I overstepped the mark. An incident involving me, a weapon, and his neighbours. He was forced to make the decision to part company. I was banned from his life. Now I was totally alone.

Three months later I was at AA. Three months after that I had made my amends and this friend saw how much I had changed and how good AA was for me, that he lent me enough money to buy a car so I could get to meetings more easily. I even paid him back.

It was awful that he had to make that decision. I wished I had had the insight to sort myself out before it came to that. But that is the nature of alcoholism. It gets worse over time. never better. You made a great decision.

rayna87

Thank you!

rayna87

Oh absolutely. Just hoping I don’t have to find out that I was wrong about her and everyone else was right this whole time :/

rayna87

Thank you so much for your story and the reinforcement. I’m pretty sure this girl has an even bigger drinking problem than I do, and she is probably my worst drinking influence. One of many reasons I didn’t go out to God knows where tonight. And the fact that she still has not responded, tells me my suspicions were right and there was way more going on than her just wanting to have a girls’ night slumber party at a nice hotel. So glad I’m home and have no part of it. Thank you again.

Delilah1

Glad you made the best decision for you Rayna. You mentioned you went to dinner with friends last night, are those friends you can spend time with without alcohol? Your friendship with this other girls sounds very one sided, which is unfair to you.

MissPerfumado

Rayna, you sound like a really good-hearted person ... but also a big-time people pleaser. That girl sounds like bad news and a bad friend. If you think she's using you, she's no friend.

There's something going on here, with your feeling the need for her approval. Only you can figure out what it is and what buttons she's pressing in you.

Your people-pleasing side is possibly connected to self-esteem issues. I'm no psychotherapist, but it's an obvious link to make. Even on this site, I wonder if you're trying to please us all, and sidestepping some serious issues.

For example, we "all are not proponents of moderation" because many of us have tried it and found it led us back to drinking heavily, usually very quickly, and all the terrible problems that came with it. Moderation was for many of us a real and truly difficult part of the road to sobriety. Moderation was a lie, a mirage, an evil servant of the denial that kept us in the hell of alcoholism.

I hope you'll think about these two things: Denial and Self-worth.

You definitely made the right choice not going. IMHO the friendship is expendable.

rayna87

Very much so. I have known my friend since college, so about 12 years now and I really like the girl he’s been dating. They are both totally low-key, are actually on a cleanse themselves which involves no alcohol, and we had a few rounds of waters, good food, and a great time last night. In fact, I’m not sure why i said the other girl is the only person i can call when i need something...i trust this friend from college infinitely more. I just don’t always associate him with my relatively new city, because we both happened to end up here but i knew him from before. This girl i always refer to is the only one I’ve met here that i can hang with like that. As for her, I think sometimes I’m the reason it’s one-sided. I know I need her in my life, so I often bend over backwards for her and do things I would never normally do, just to keep some sort of social life going. I think she’s used to that, too. So lately when I haven’t been at her beck and call at the drop of a hat, she’s probably just as confused as I am. Not a defense of her by any means, just the way it’s been. I plan to ask her in the morning if she’s okay with the boyfriend and whatnot. Just didn’t want to get into that tonight, and wind up feeling guilted to go “save” her like I so often do.