Alcoholic sister
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 9
Alcoholic sister
This is my first post. I am planning on going to my first Al Anon meeting this coming Monday but was hoping to get some insight sooner.
My older sister is an Alcoholic, she lives hundreds of miles away and I worry each and every day about her. She went to detox last July and has been sober (so she says) until yesterday. For whatever reason, she was in the grocery store and picked up a bottle of wine (so she says), it is always white wine but it is usually more than just 1 bottle.
I knew by her voice on the phone yesterday she had been drinking though she denied it. She did finally admit it to me this morning, although she sounded as if she was still drinking.
Our family (my younger sister and I, parents are deceased) went through hell last summer when she went to detox. I cannot allow her turn my world upside down again.
How do I deal with an alcoholic that lies and lives so many miles away?
My older sister is an Alcoholic, she lives hundreds of miles away and I worry each and every day about her. She went to detox last July and has been sober (so she says) until yesterday. For whatever reason, she was in the grocery store and picked up a bottle of wine (so she says), it is always white wine but it is usually more than just 1 bottle.
I knew by her voice on the phone yesterday she had been drinking though she denied it. She did finally admit it to me this morning, although she sounded as if she was still drinking.
Our family (my younger sister and I, parents are deceased) went through hell last summer when she went to detox. I cannot allow her turn my world upside down again.
How do I deal with an alcoholic that lies and lives so many miles away?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by MiddleChild 
This is my first post. I am planning on going to my first Al Anon meeting this coming Monday but was hoping to get some insight sooner.
My older sister is an Alcoholic, she lives hundreds of miles away and I worry each and every day about her. She went to detox last July and has been sober (so she says) until yesterday. For whatever reason, she was in the grocery store and picked up a bottle of wine (so she says), it is always white wine but it is usually more than just 1 bottle.
I knew by her voice on the phone yesterday she had been drinking though she denied it. She did finally admit it to me this morning, although she sounded as if she was still drinking.
Our family (my younger sister and I, parents are deceased) went through hell last summer when she went to detox. I cannot allow her turn my world upside down again.
How do I deal with an alcoholic that lies and lives so many miles away?
My older sister is an Alcoholic, she lives hundreds of miles away and I worry each and every day about her. She went to detox last July and has been sober (so she says) until yesterday. For whatever reason, she was in the grocery store and picked up a bottle of wine (so she says), it is always white wine but it is usually more than just 1 bottle.
I knew by her voice on the phone yesterday she had been drinking though she denied it. She did finally admit it to me this morning, although she sounded as if she was still drinking.
Our family (my younger sister and I, parents are deceased) went through hell last summer when she went to detox. I cannot allow her turn my world upside down again.
How do I deal with an alcoholic that lies and lives so many miles away?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,775
I agree. You have to detach with love. Let your sister feel the consequences of her actions.
I hope you can find support in AlAnon.
We also have forums for friends and family of alcoholics. Give it a look for insight from others who have been in your shoes. 
I hope you can find support in AlAnon.
We also have forums for friends and family of alcoholics. Give it a look for insight from others who have been in your shoes. 
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I would suggest that you draw a line at speaking with your sister when she's drinking. People did that with me and I felt that was entirely appropriate. Nobody needs to be subjected to Drunk Obladi - she's a mess. My daughter told me about a year ago that she doesn't want to be involved in my recovery. I really respected that - her setting boundaries for herself. Perhaps your line is different than either of those suggestions, but it's something worth thinking about.
I'm quite certain AlAnon will be helpful to you. Just like with AA, try out several meetings - they all have different "personalities."
I'm quite certain AlAnon will be helpful to you. Just like with AA, try out several meetings - they all have different "personalities."
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome, MiddleChild - I'm so glad you joined us.
No one could have told me a thing when I was drinking. My family was afraid to bring up the subject, though I'm sure they knew when I was 'off'. I had to humiliate myself & face legal consequences before I would admit I couldn't touch alcohol. Looking back, I can't believe it came to that - but as the disease progressed, I lost any ability to realize how reckless I had become.
It's a great idea to go to Al-Anon. Please let us know how it goes. You're a good sister - I hope she will want to get well.
No one could have told me a thing when I was drinking. My family was afraid to bring up the subject, though I'm sure they knew when I was 'off'. I had to humiliate myself & face legal consequences before I would admit I couldn't touch alcohol. Looking back, I can't believe it came to that - but as the disease progressed, I lost any ability to realize how reckless I had become.
It's a great idea to go to Al-Anon. Please let us know how it goes. You're a good sister - I hope she will want to get well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
It is all up to her, not you.
If she turns your world upside down, it's because you allowed it.
Sorry if this seems harsh.
Alcoholics only care about when the next drink is.
Offer help, but, be prepared to walk away.
If she turns your world upside down, it's because you allowed it.
Sorry if this seems harsh.
Alcoholics only care about when the next drink is.
Offer help, but, be prepared to walk away.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
Hi and welcome Middlechild - I'm sorry - I can see this is a tough situation for you.
You'll find a lot of support and experience here tho, both here in this forum and also our Family and Friends forums.
Then at least you know your baseline - and it's a reasonable and valid one IMO 
D
You'll find a lot of support and experience here tho, both here in this forum and also our Family and Friends forums.
I cannot allow her turn my world upside down again.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
I was like your sister. I was 1000s of miles from my sisters. Lived alone in another city.
It was hard (impossible, really) for my family to help, even if they knew the extent of the problem. Reading your post, I tried to think how they might have made a difference, The only thing I can think is if they had been more direct with me - as in, telling me it was a problem and that I should do something about it. That might have shamed me into doing something earlier.
Then again, it might not have.
I'd suggest also emotionally detaching. When I finally quit, I told my family I was quitting but I did it alone because it is an inside job. Your sister is going to have to do it herself.
It was hard (impossible, really) for my family to help, even if they knew the extent of the problem. Reading your post, I tried to think how they might have made a difference, The only thing I can think is if they had been more direct with me - as in, telling me it was a problem and that I should do something about it. That might have shamed me into doing something earlier.
Then again, it might not have.
I'd suggest also emotionally detaching. When I finally quit, I told my family I was quitting but I did it alone because it is an inside job. Your sister is going to have to do it herself.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
After a lot of trying over many years I had to accept that there was nothing more I could do for my mother and my sister. They stick together like the dynamic duo, and absolutely hate the rest of our extended family. They will have nothing to do with anyone.
But there was more to it than just their drinking. My two children are there only grand children/neice and nephew, but they would have nothing to do with them. My sister would never invite the kids anywhere, and my mother was a total menace and could not be trusted to look after them, not that she took any interest. Mother came to my wedding with Dad, but neither came to my wife's funeral, though others came from the other end of the country.
There are many things wrong with the pair of them, a lot more than just drinking a bit too much. They have both had treatment, the best available, everybody has tried to help, but nothing has taken. They are just not in my life anymore and have not been for many years. My inlaws from my first wife, and the family of my second wife are much more family to me than my own. That's just alcoholism. The family disease.
But there was more to it than just their drinking. My two children are there only grand children/neice and nephew, but they would have nothing to do with them. My sister would never invite the kids anywhere, and my mother was a total menace and could not be trusted to look after them, not that she took any interest. Mother came to my wedding with Dad, but neither came to my wife's funeral, though others came from the other end of the country.
There are many things wrong with the pair of them, a lot more than just drinking a bit too much. They have both had treatment, the best available, everybody has tried to help, but nothing has taken. They are just not in my life anymore and have not been for many years. My inlaws from my first wife, and the family of my second wife are much more family to me than my own. That's just alcoholism. The family disease.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by resolute50
It is all up to her, not you.
If she turns your world upside down, it's because you allowed it.
Sorry if this seems harsh.
Alcoholics only care about when the next drink is.
Offer help, but, be prepared to walk away.
If she turns your world upside down, it's because you allowed it.
Sorry if this seems harsh.
Alcoholics only care about when the next drink is.
Offer help, but, be prepared to walk away.
You are absolutely right and I need to remind myself of that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by least
I agree. You have to detach with love. Let your sister feel the consequences of her actions.
I hope you can find support in AlAnon. We also have forums for friends and family of alcoholics. Give it a look for insight from others who have been in your shoes.
I hope you can find support in AlAnon.
We also have forums for friends and family of alcoholics. Give it a look for insight from others who have been in your shoes. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Welcome, MiddleChild - I'm so glad you joined us.
No one could have told me a thing when I was drinking. My family was afraid to bring up the subject, though I'm sure they knew when I was 'off'. I had to humiliate myself & face legal consequences before I would admit I couldn't touch alcohol. Looking back, I can't believe it came to that - but as the disease progressed, I lost any ability to realize how reckless I had become.
It's a great idea to go to Al-Anon. Please let us know how it goes. You're a good sister - I hope she will want to get well.
No one could have told me a thing when I was drinking. My family was afraid to bring up the subject, though I'm sure they knew when I was 'off'. I had to humiliate myself & face legal consequences before I would admit I couldn't touch alcohol. Looking back, I can't believe it came to that - but as the disease progressed, I lost any ability to realize how reckless I had become.
It's a great idea to go to Al-Anon. Please let us know how it goes. You're a good sister - I hope she will want to get well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 9
So she is in Detox, I received a call last night from her. She sounded angry, wound tight. She told me she is angry with me, that I make everything about me?????????? I have asked her not to reach out to me anymore. If she needs anything she should call our younger sister. She hung up.
I was like that when confronted with my drinking. Unreasonable and angry.
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