Springbabe

I desperately need tips or advice on how to deal with my boyfriend's drinking problem. I've been with him 4 years but I've only just recently moved in with him. When I was first with him I had no idea he drank, because he's a fulltime bus-driver. Then I often saw cans of beer in his fridge but I just shrugged it off thinking there's no harm in a bloke liking a beer every now and then, and at least he wasn't hiding them. So I didn't think there was any problem. I stayed at his every weekend and one night in the week and he never had a drop of beer, plus we went on holidays together and he only had the odd one or two drinks.

But now I've been living with him just over 4 months and 3 times he's picked me up from work drunk. I don't drive, and taxis are too expensive. I could walk home but my shift finishes at 10pm and the city we live in has a bad reputation of drugs, rape and even murder, so I don't want to be walking anywhere alone late at night (plus it's quite a long walk).
I'm lucky my boyfriend is not abusive when he's been drinking, but I still don't like him when he's drunk because he's all cold and distant, and his personality changes and it just makes me feel uncomfortable, plus he should not be driving his car after drinking, it's just plain irresponsible.

It's hard to get through to him about his drinking. When he's sober, he tells me not to 'bang on' about it, even though I'm just trying to lightly tell him how I feel. So I just have to keep quiet about it. I've been in my job for 4 months and for the first time in my life I love my job, but now I go into work feeling tensed up because I don't know if he's going to be drunk when he picks me up or not. It's not doing my health any good, as the stress of it gives me headaches and muscle pains. He says 'I won't do it again and I mean it this time', but that doesn't reassure me because he said that before and he's still done it.

He's not with me for my money nor for sex, I know that. He's gentle, loveable, cooks me lovely dinners when I come in from work, and is very affectionate. So if he's with me for me and not for benefits like sex or money, why is he carrying on drinking like this? I love him and so I don't want to leave him over this, although when he's drunk I am tempted to back my bags and go back home. But it's not as simple as that, because if I left him it'd mean I'd have to leave my job too, and then I'll be back living with my parents with no job.
My mum is fighting cancer and also has the stress of my brother who is in his 30s still living at home and has problems with keeping a job and he has depression and is suicidal. So I don't particularly want to add to the stress. I want my family to think I am happy.

I just need help. How can I approach my boyfriend about his drinking without him giving me the same old answers 'stop going on' and 'I won't get drunk again'?

Thanks for taking the trouble to read this.

SparkleKitty

Here is the unfortunate reality of the situation: he does not have a problem with his drinking and you do.

There are no magic words. You have had your say and his response has been, not interested. This is who you are currently in a relationship with. Accepting that will allow you to then decide if this is enough for you.

Addiction is a baffling beast. As much as it might feel very personal, it is not about you. He is in the grips of something far more powerful than either of you, but right now you see that and he does not. You have pointed it out to him to no avail. Until he is willing to admit it, there is nothing anyone can do.

You have the right to not be in a relationship with an addict. But you aren’t going to change him or make him see the light. The best you can do is take the best care of yourself you can, whatever that means.

Bernadette

Hi Springbabe-
Welcome! Sorry for what brought you here, but you've found a great place where collectively we have seen everything so you're not alone.

It must feel very frustrating to have moved in and changed your life in such a committed way only to discover this serious problem in the person you love, Learning more about alcoholism and how alcoholics behave will help you create a realistic picture of what to expect.

My A brothers have gone though so many relationships with so many wonderful women, all doomed to fail because they refused to stop drinking (they would hide it, lie, pretend, it all seemed so much more painful and effortful to me than getting sober and changing, but I am not an A so haven't walked in their shoes).

Eventually things catch up wth the A (DUIs, health problems, money problems) even if when we first meet them they appear to be functioning, it will not last forever. And no amount of love, asking politely, begging, screaming, demanding on our parts to get them to stop will do anything. If love could make them stop none of us would be here. They have to make that move, for their own reasons.

This leaves us with some clear choices to make about how about we plan to take care of ourselves, because loving an A in a relationship, in the same home, expecting the normal behaviors of a loved one, can make you completely bonkers and as you mentioned you already feel effects health-wise. These effects get worse and worse if we continue to try and change the other person or have an expectation that they will change because of ANYTHING we do or say.

It's super tough to get your head around at first. I grew up with an A father, and have 3 A brothers and it wasn;t until I got into AlAnon in my twenties and started reading about alcohol (I remember especially Under The Influence by Milam and Ketcham made a big impression and changed my thinking).

Alanon turned my head around, and gave me some tools to keep myself from getting crazy and depressed over these people that I love so much, and as they progressed in their alcoholism, to keep myself safe from their insanity and desperate situations....

Here's the link if you want to find an AlAnon meeting near you:
<https://al-anon.org>


It's really sad and hard. I have no advice for how you should approach him again, except to say it doesn't matter how you do it. What matters is what you choose to do with your life and your own problems and your own health. That's all you can control when you're dealing with an A. Read around the stories here.

I always try to remind myself: the past is gone, I am free in this moment.

Peace.
B.

Springbabe

Post gone wrong.

Bernadette

Don't sweat that! You can reply or not reply to posts in any order! Eventually it all makes sense, it's never a linear conversation because people pop in and out over days!!

Just keep posting!!
(((hugs)))
B.

dandylion

Soringbabe…..If you were my daughter...this is what I would tell you.....Look for and find a female roommate, within distance to your job...and move out...
From what you share...t is not going to get better...only worse, as time goes on. Alcoholism is progressive.
There is nothing you can do to get him to stop drinking.....it has to come from him.
Love is not enough to get a person to become sober....
Start going to alanon….and, working on yourself.....

And....start learning everything that you can about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....We have an excellent library of articles, here on SR....over 100 excellent articles about alcoholism and the loved ones....enough for you to read and absorb one every single day....
I am giving you the following link. (they are contained in the stickies, above the threads)…..


You can continue to see him, if you wish...but, you will have your independence if you live with a female roommate...and you can easily leave the relationship if you choose to....
The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.....


Your happiness (or unhappiness) is in your own hands. You cannot give it over to an active alcoholic....

I hope you will stay around the forum and continue to read and learn and post......the more you put in, the more you get out.....


Here is that link that I promised you.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Springbabe

I don't mind him having a small amount of beers, but he is actually breaking the law if he's had 7 or 8 beers and then is driving his car. He is old enough to understand that if he gets caught drunk driving, it will cost him his job. Surely he knows that and doesn't want that to happen. He loves his job.

I'm the sort of girl to like to talk about my feelings a lot, so it's frustrating when he tells me not to bring up anything to do with drinking. He says I worry too much. But I can't help worrying. I don't feel safe being in a car with a drunk driver.

I don't think it's that easy to move to a different flat with a roommate. I don't really have any friends around here who I'd choose to live with, and I still need somebody to pick me up from work.

The England game is playing on Wednesday night, and the last time England was playing in the evening he drank over 8 beers and was completely out of it when he picked me up from work. I was in tears. But I can't tell him how appaulled I am because he tells me to stop going on.

In other words, "stop going on about it" means "I will drink again and again".

velma929

Yes, that's what it means.

You're right, it isn't easy to find a new flatmate. Craig's List is in the UK, that might be one strategy. Asking around work for someone looking for a room mate would be another. It turned out one of my own colleagues was looking for a room mate when my sister found a job in our city. Fortunately, Colleague was asking everyone she knew to help her find a female to share the rent. That's how I found out.

Is Uber cheaper than a taxi? Can a co-worker drop you off at home if you give her money for fuel?

honeypig

Uber is sure as hell cheaper than being crippled or killed in a drunk-driving accident, I'd say!

Springbabe, it doesn't sound like you have much of a handle on what alcoholism is. That's not unusual; most of us didn't know until we were forced to learn. You state you "don't mind if he has a small amount of beers"--as you educate yourself, you'll see that this is exactly what an alcoholic absolutely cannot do.

And believe me, the inconvenience of finding another roommate and another way to get to/from work pales beside the very real possibility of death in a car accident as he drives drunk.

I'm sure he DOES know it and doesn't want it to happen. Yet he keeps taking that chance over and over and over again, doesn't he? It would seem that drinking is more important to him than the job he "loves", right?

Please take some time to read around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot for you to learn, and as another member here often says, knowledge is power. You CAN change your situation, but YOU are going to have to be the one to change it. He's been pretty clear that HE'S not going to...

August252015

Glad you are sharing.

I echo what Sparkle Kitty, dandylion and honeypig said, every single word.

When I read your OP, the same things as said above struck me - you cannot change him and he is choosing his life drinking, at least for now; learning about what alcoholism is and is not is an excellent idea; and it is very difficult for a non-alcoholic to begin to understand that us alcoholics can love lots of things in our lives, and know that our bad choices may cause us to lose them - and as said above, take that chance over and over again, usually until something "bad enough" happens. And, quite honestly, IME and for most I've heard on here and IRL - no one in our lives can make that happen or convince us not to keep on feeding this deadly, progressive disease we have.

I hope you take care of yourself FIRST, do read around the forum and realize that only each of you can make your own choices.

Best to you.

Springbabe

I've been searching around this forum, plus reading the replies in my thread, and it seems to me that my boyfriend isn't really an alcoholic - which I find quite reassuring. Maybe I just need to be more educated on alcoholism and how to handle living with a partner who drinks. I don't drink at all, maybe the occasional beer (just one at a party or something), or a small glass of wine on Christmas day, and that's it. I've never been drunk in my life and I don't intend to. So, as a non-drinker, maybe I shouldn't be too hard on him for having a few beers.
But the drink driving is a different thing. His daughter tells me that he was drink driving with her and his other children in the car when they were little. So all this time he's been getting away with it. But he still ought to be careful.

53500

Springbabe, whether or not you use the term "alcoholic" isn't important. His behavior is. Driving drunk is so dangerous. Uber or Lyft or anything else is better than getting in a car with a drunk, isn't it? Why risk your health or life?

The fact that he is a *bus driver* with a drinking problem is frightening. Hopefully he never has, or will, driven his bus drunk. But that he drove his kids while drunk, and picks YOU up drunk, does not bode well for his passengers.

This is a sign of an alcoholic - but again the term does not matter. He has a long term pattern of driving drunk. That matters a lot. Don't get in the car with him if he's been drinking. If he leaves home after drinking to drive himself or especially his bus, call the police. You may save lives. I know this sounds dramatic and you don't want to get him in trouble but you really could save lives.

trailmix

Yes, it doesn't matter what you call it. He has a problem with drinking, that much is clear.

He risks your life driving you around while drunk (you put yourself at risk too, but that's another topic).

What if it was your Daughter? Would you want her away from the drinking and drunk driving or would you want her to assure you she is "happy"?

Why would you? He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. Why are you trying to change him?

Do you want a partner that does that? Do you want a partner that refuses to discuss things with you?

My opinion? You would be far better off at home or perhaps with another relative?

SmallButMighty

Springbabe, I think you may be misinterpreting what people are meaning when they say, "he doesn't have a problem with his drinking".... we don't mean he doesn't have a drinking problem... what we mean is that HE doesn't perceive his drinking as a problem.

From what you have told us he very much does display problematic drinking behavior.
He is OK behaving like that
You are not OK with it.

We would like to see you focus on yourself rather than trying to help him with a problem he doesn't even aknowledge that he has....

dandylion

Springbabe…..alcoholism is progressive...so, things will get worse...…
If you are unwilling to find a flat with someone else....then, I do think you would be better off packing your bags and moving back to your parents....temporarily, until you find another job.....or a roommate....
There must be another job in all of England....
You sound too young to be living like this....living with an alcoholic can turn into a trip through the halls of *hell. You are only 4 months into this living situation....so it is easier to get out now, than it will be later.
A young single woman, such as yourself should be having some of the best years of their life....not being drug down by someone else's drinking......

PuzzledHeart

1) If somebody got a DUI, do you think the court gives a flying hoot whether or not that person's an alcoholic or not? Could you imagine the transcript?

"Oh yes, he drank 7 or 8 beers before getting behind the wheel of the bus. After the accident several people were killed. But he's not an alcoholic so he's not guilty!"

My sister, who is my qualifier, swears up down and sideways that she's no longer smoking pot. Meanwhile, her children live with my aging parents, both of whom battled cancer in the meantime. For a while, she spent over $500 a month storing her furniture. Then she got plastic surgery after her house got sold. All while telling people she didn't have enough resources for her kids to stay with her. She still collects child support from her ex even though my parents pay their expenses. My parents' doctors don't even know she exists. Even though she lives much closer, I'm the one schlepping back and forth keeping track of what's going on. When my dad had surgery last month, she showed up for an hour during the two days she was supposed to be there. Even though I told her two weeks before that she would have to arrange alternative transportation to get her kids from school to the house, she "forgot" and on that day was totally surprised that my dad couldn't drive them. My dad was in the recovery room looped up on painkillers and was totally stressing out about getting them home.
My sister's ex couldn't help out either because his own dad had cancer.
Fortunately, I've learned enough to expect this from her, and it wasn't much of a surprise at all. I had already arranged to take time off from work. She spent her evenings performing and rehearsing with her band.

At this point, I really don't care if she's smoking pot or not. What I do care about are her actions, and the way they impact her daughters and my parents. I can tell you right now that if your life is sucked up with HIM, you won't be able to take care of your mom the way she needs to be taken care of. I found out for myself that if I spent too much time stewing in anger about my sister and generating laundry lists of what she did or didn't do, I wasn't emotionally available for my parents or my husband or my kid.

My mom, at one time, got admitted to hospice (before getting kicked out!) and my dad ended up in the hospital twice, so honestly, I had bigger fish to fry. I needed to help the people who wanted to my help. My sister's behavior was something that I couldn't control, and she didn't want to admit there's a problem to begin with so I had to accept that I had to let her go.

I'll end with this: Your mom, I suspect, is considering anything and everything, even chemo, to tackle the cancer. Would your boyfriend quit alcohol in order to re-establish your trust in him? Honestly, alcoholic or not, if he can't skip a drink to ensure his kids' safety or his job, I'm not holding my breath.

Springbabe

It's such a shame that my boyfriend is under the influence of alcohol, because otherwise he's such a lovely man.

It's a shame that the only way out is to leave my job and return home. It's not that simple. It's embarrassing enough with my depressed brother living at home without a job, without me leaving my job and coming home with no job. Then my parents will have two adult kids to keep. I thought this site was a UK site but it seems to be a worldwide site because there seems to be a lot of Americans that aren't aware of the bad state England is in. I don't have a lot of confidence, and I was unhappy in the job I had when I lived at home. So my boyfriend got me a job at his bus depot as a trainee mechanic, and I absolutely love it and thought it was opening a new door for me. Where my parents live there aren't any bus depots around, and my dream job is to work with buses in a bus depot. The people I work with are nice, but are mostly blokes with families, and there's a girl there but she's not my type, she's OK as a colleague but not the person I'd choose to live with.
I don't do meeting people on internet sites. I like home security, I don't want to just move in somewhere with a stranger who I might not even get on with. I might be more unhappy than I am being with my boyfriend. Well, I'm not unhappy, we love each other and he's the one who got me the job and was over the moon when I got the job.
His daughter said that his previous wife left him, partly because of his drinking, and apparently he almost had a breakdown out of severe heartache. So he knows all the consequences drinking can cause. If I left him, he'd be devastated again, I know it.

I just wish he'd sit down and talk about this. I'm sure it will help him a lot.

trailmix

I'm not in the U.S. or UK but jobs can be scarce anywhere. Despite what the view is, the U.S. is not the land of milk and honey either.

I see the tough spot you are in, I really do however, who exactly is looking out for you? The person who should be is you and you aren't. That's a pretty big deal.

First off, you need to find alternative transport for work. Can you carpool with someone else who works there perhaps?

This may be your dream job but sometimes we have to give up a job or a place we are living for something that is more important. Not forever but perhaps for a while.

I get that going home is not really an option right now but perhaps you can think outside of just staying in the same house as your boyfriend.

No one here wants to tell you this is a bad situation you are in. I would much prefer to be saying, yeah you are over-reacting a bit, he sounds like a great guy for you! That's not the case.

Do you want to get married and have children at some point? Is this the person you could bring children in to a household with? Just something else you might want to ponder.

PuzzledHeart

Look, nobody's telling you to leave your BF NOW, and honestly if your current situation still suits you nothing is going to stop you from staying. However, you can lay the groundwork to create options for yourself. And god forbid something happens to him - you need to build a safety net anyway whether or not you leave him.

Frankly, the trainee mechanic position sounds awesome. I'm actually a little jealous.

Then why is he doing it?

Maybe one day he will. But you can't bank on it. I've spent years wishing my sister could face her traumatic childhood head on, but at the end of the day, it's her choice and her life.

Your boyfriend has his choices and his own life. You also have yours.

Been there, done that. People who knew me at school are often surprised when they meet me now. The confidence didn't happen overnight, and even now I have my slip-ups. But working my way towards building my own self-respect helped me loads.

I was MISERABLE at the first job I had and I lived with my parents to boot. What helped me was making choices (savings account) that allowed me slowly and surely to build a way out. I did end up sharing an apartment with two other women after answering an ad in a newspaper. Honestly, it was better that we weren't friends (although we were certainly friendly) because it gave me more privacy. When I moved to the city, I ended up rooming with a woman who ended up being one of my closest friends ever. Even though we don't live together anymore, we still see each other once every couple weeks if not more. Not all roommate situations end up in murder, misery, and/or woe.

trailmix

See this is where it gets wonky. Instead of going, yes! the England team is playing Wednesday, hope they win - you are already dreading it.