Should I text him or wait to hear from him?

Old 07-06-2018, 01:28 AM
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Should I text him or wait to hear from him?

I've had another post in here but here's a brief summary of where I'm at.

I went to visit my friend in June for a few days and he relapsed while I was there. ( I say friend but at times it was more, we have had a phsical and emotional relationship, however he still says he is straight but just fell for me). From the minute I arrived for the next 3 days he drank and went on a cocaine binge. It resulted in him getting very paranoid, accusing me of texting his mother (still lives with parents, and they had just gone on holidays for week), watching my every move and checking my phone. It ended up that on third night he started getting very abusive verbally to me but I feared it could get physically abusive and despite my efforts to get him to contact sponsor it didn't work. So I walked out and went to stay in a hotel. He went mad and told me not to contact him again, I was devasted in a city I was unfamiliar with, on my own and missing my friend after we had planned this for 6 months. I tried ringing him the next day to explain why I left but he told me it was all my fault, he tried to commit suicide because I left and told me to go f"*k myself. So I returned home on an early flight devasted. His mum rang me the next day to say he had been admitted to a rehab facility, and had told her the reason I walked out was completely different than the real reason, think he was afraid they might find out about his sexuality. Threw me under the bus in so quickly. So she has kept in touch with me to say he is doing well. He is there nearly 4 weeks. The thing is, he has his phone now in the evenings for an hour or so. I can see he is online as it's WhatsApp and it's really upsetting to think he's in rehab on his phone and he hasn't reached out to text me. I had sent him 2 messages a couple of weeks ago which didn't go through, but they were delivered only this week so it may be he only turned his phone on this week, but he read my messages, one just said I missed him and still no answer.

Should I text him and see where he's at offering support or wait for him to contact? My friends seem to think I'd be crazy to text him as he should be messaging me to apologise. I kind of agree hence why I haven't text him yet, but I'm so frustrated to see him online and not hear from him when I feel there's so much needs talking about. I know he's in best place and needs to focus on himself, but being on his phone to other people is sad to see as we were so close.

All advice welcome, as I'm struggling big time at the moment. Thanks
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Old 07-06-2018, 03:23 AM
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Hello glenjo,

I am sorry you have been hurt by all this. At least your friend is in treatment at the moment. And if he has had suicidal ideation, that really is the safest place for him at the moment.

It sounds like you have let him know that you will still support him and still want that connection with him, and he just has not replied. He may or may not choose to speak to you at this point--and as much as it hurts (and I know how much from personal experience), that is his right to choose.

I hope you have friends and family to whom you can talk and spend time with. Distract yourself inside your own life. Time is your friend.
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Old 07-06-2018, 03:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
Hello glenjo,

I am sorry you have been hurt by all this. At least your friend is in treatment at the moment. And if he has had suicidal ideation, that really is the safest place for him at the moment.

It sounds like you have let him know that you will still support him and still want that connection with him, and he just has not replied. He may or may not choose to speak to you at this point--and as much as it hurts (and I know how much from personal experience), that is his right to choose.

I hope you have friends and family to whom you can talk and spend time with. Distract yourself inside your own life. Time is your friend.
Thanks seren, I'm trying to keep occupied and give him space, this forum is a huge help too as people have been through it. When you say you know it from personal experience, how do you mean? I suppose at least he hadn't blocked me completely which he can do with some people but I'm just at a list to know where his head is at.
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Old 07-06-2018, 03:55 AM
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Although not in rehab, I currently have two people that I care about very much (love, in fact) who are on difficult personal paths, and each has decided to not speak to me anymore (or at least stopped replying to any text or e-mail sent). I am respecting their wish to not communicate because loving someone means wanting what is best for them and their peace and happiness--even if it does not answer to my own. So, I pray and grieve in my own way and live my life.
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Old 07-06-2018, 03:57 AM
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I need to add:

Your friend not communicating with you is not a reflection on your worth or value as a person. Please always remember that! It is a reflection of where he is at and his own path.
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Old 07-06-2018, 04:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
I need to add:

Your friend not communicating with you is not a reflection on your worth or value as a person. Please always remember that! It is a reflection of where he is at and his own path.
Wise words and I'll try to take them to heart. It makes me sad to think he is texting other people in the evenings and not me who up untill 3 weeks ago he had rang many times a day and texted as much. He confided in me for everything, I did nothing wrong, and yet I'm now suffering, so you can see how baffled I am. I feel he is blaming me, yet I only had his interests at heart. Anyway I will try and do what you say and let him travel his own path
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Old 07-06-2018, 05:01 AM
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Hi, Glenjo.
Welcome.
This is a hurtful situation for you, and I am sorry for your sadness and confusion.
There is a saying around here: when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Your friend is showing you that you are not in his orbit just now.
Difficult as it is, I would recommend no texting, no communication, and moving on with your life.
Life with an addict, even one in recovery, is a hard road.
Peace.
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Old 07-06-2018, 05:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Hi, Glenjo.
Welcome.
This is a hurtful situation for you, and I am sorry for your sadness and confusion.
There is a saying around here: when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Your friend is showing you that you are not in his orbit just now.
Difficult as it is, I would recommend no texting, no communication, and moving on with your life.
Life with an addict, even one in recovery, is a hard road.
Peace.
It's very hurtful, it's like being punished for something you didn't do if that makes sense. Even though he is showing me who he is, I still want to hear from him but I obviously didn't mean as much to him as I thought. How can someone be your best friend one day and the next not.....don't understand it.
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Old 07-06-2018, 06:16 AM
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how can someone be your best friend one day and the next not?

In life, it is best to make decisions based on Facts.

I understand you are hurt and baffled by what has transpired, currently your emotions and feelings for this person are overpowering the reality of the situation.

You had to check into a motel as you feared for your safety, you state ,he was being verbally abusive, and feared it would escalate to a physical assault. You Also took an early flight home to get away from the unacceptable situation.

Thank goodness, you took the necessary step to keep yourself out of harms way. That is the ugly reality of this situation. I certainly do not want to come across as insensitive or cruel, but if you cut the emotional bond out of this equation, and focus on the facts of the situation, it might help you in healing. You dodged a bullet, he currently is unavailable to be in any type of healthy relationship. I would accept it as a moment in time, nothing more, nothing less, and go forward.

Sometimes these things happen, embrace the life lesson, and get back to living your life. It really doesn’t matter that he is not reaching out to you, what is it you want him to say or think he should say that would make this an acceptable situation.? It’s like waking up from a bad dream, and trying to fall back asleep, but your mind is trying to give the bad dream a happy ending.
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Old 07-06-2018, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
how can someone be your best friend one day and the next not?

In life, it is best to make decisions based on Facts.

I understand you are hurt and baffled by what has transpired, currently your emotions and feelings for this person are overpowering the reality of the situation.

You had to check into a motel as you feared for your safety, you state ,he was being verbally abusive, and feared it would escalate to a physical assault. You Also took an early flight home to get away from the unacceptable situation.

Thank goodness, you took the necessary step to keep yourself out of harms way. That is the ugly reality of this situation. I certainly do not want to come across as insensitive or cruel, but if you cut the emotional bond out of this equation, and focus on the facts of the situation, it might help you in healing. You dodged a bullet, he currently is unavailable to be in any type of healthy relationship. I would accept it as a moment in time, nothing more, nothing less, and go forward.

Sometimes these things happen, embrace the life lesson, and get back to living your life. It really doesn’t matter that he is not reaching out to you, what is it you want him to say or think he should say that would make this an acceptable situation.? It’s like waking up from a bad dream, and trying to fall back asleep, but your mind is trying to give the bad dream a happy ending.
I suppose what I want him to say is sorry for everything that happened that weekend, we had planned the trip (was meant to be 10 days) since January. That way I know he still isn't blaming me and we could get back to our friendship, it comes down to the fact I miss his regular contact aswell, so apart from the holiday being ruined which I can let go, he's taken our friendship away too.

I like what you say about it being a moment in time, that's so true and helps me to move past it, it's done now. I think I did Dodge a bullet that night for sure, yet strange how guilty I feel for leaving him, he said he went crazy because I left and tried to commit suicide. It was a bad dream for sure, I would love him to acknowledge it with me. I suppose like you say my emotions are probably in the way but hard not to.
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Old 07-06-2018, 07:26 AM
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I do not believe” I am sorry” is in an active addict ‘s vocabulary . Can’t say if it’s because they have blacked out and have zero recollection of their bad actions, or if they are simply refusing to take responsibility for themselves.

I remember pointing out to The ex alcoholic the damage he had caused the night before in his blackout lifestyle. Honestly, he would get this smirk on his face, he found it so funny that he did not remember setting the kitchen on fire, or burning up my expensive area rug. He didn’t remember falling of the porch, damn near impaling himself on the fence below, oh and it wasn’t him who ever pis*ed the bed. It was always someone else fault that he got into an argument when we would go out,

My point being , that the smirk he would get on his face, was actually an affirmation of his level of maturity, any normal person would be embarrassed, apologize, and work on not repeating these negative actions. Apparently that is not how he was wired, he was always looking to up the ante of bad behavior.

You deserve better, long distance relationships are challenging enough in normal circumstances, it appears he may have been misrepresenting himself. Hang in ther it will get better.
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Old 07-06-2018, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
I do not believe” I am sorry” is in an active addict ‘s vocabulary . Can’t say if it’s because they have blacked out and have zero recollection of their bad actions, or if they are simply refusing to take responsibility for themselves.

I remember pointing out to The ex alcoholic the damage he had caused the night before in his blackout lifestyle. Honestly, he would get this smirk on his face, he found it so funny that he did not remember setting the kitchen on fire, or burning up my expensive area rug. He didn’t remember falling of the porch, damn near impaling himself on the fence below, oh and it wasn’t him who ever pis*ed the bed. It was always someone else fault that he got into an argument when we would go out,

My point being , that the smirk he would get on his face, was actually an affirmation of his level of maturity, any normal person would be embarrassed, apologize, and work on not repeating these negative actions. Apparently that is not how he was wired, he was always looking to up the ante of bad behavior.

You deserve better, long distance relationships are challenging enough in normal circumstances, it appears he may have been misrepresenting himself. Hang in ther it will get better.
Gosh that's scary that he used to smirk. It's funny my friend can be similar in the past, not seeing the depth of his actions, finding them funny. Now I'm starting to wonder, was this whole thing planned in his head months ago to go on a massive bender regardless of how I was going to be affected. Again so many questions that I may never know the answer to. Thanks for your replies they are really making sense to me, I know I deserve better, and then I recall a nice thing he has said or his face and I fall back. A friend of mine has said, block him out and move on, and watch how he turns back up again as soon as you do!
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Old 07-06-2018, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
I suppose what I want him to say is sorry for everything that happened that weekend, .
Glenjo, "im sorry" are words to be careful about wanting to hear from an alkie or addict. i had said that so many times to my fiance she finally up and said,"your ******* right youre sorry."
she was right- i was a sorry case. kept saying im sorry but absolutely no actions to change- i kept repeating what i had said,"im sorry" for.
i say ,"im sorry". she accepted that. that gave me the all clear to continue acting how i acted.
then she stopped accepting those apologies. it wasnt much longer and she tossed me to the curb.
best move she ever made,too.
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Old 07-06-2018, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
Glenjo, "im sorry" are words to be careful about wanting to hear from an alkie or addict. i had said that so many times to my fiance she finally up and said,"your ******* right youre sorry."
she was right- i was a sorry case. kept saying im sorry but absolutely no actions to change- i kept repeating what i had said,"im sorry" for.
i say ,"im sorry". she accepted that. that gave me the all clear to continue acting how i acted.
then she stopped accepting those apologies. it wasnt much longer and she tossed me to the curb.
best move she ever made,too.
When you say fiance, are you still together or did she toss you to the curb fully? Thanks I know what you mean, actions are louder than words.
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Old 07-06-2018, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
When you say fiance, are you still together or did she toss you to the curb fully?
she was done.she had and heard enough.
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:05 AM
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Your friend is an alcoholic/addict who has just relapsed, attempted suicide (or so he said) is either in denial about his sexuality or is totally confused and is currently in a rehab facility.

Those are the facts.

Is this the person you want as a romantic partner?

I am not saying he is not "worthy" or at the root of it is not a good person, I'm sure he is or you wouldn't be around him at all probably. He must have good attributes.

Thing is, he is an addict and he is going through a very trying time. While an apology would be nice I wouldn't be focusing on that at all. He is attempting (I hope) to pull his life together. Think about that for a minute. How hard is that?

With all that perhaps he doesn't have the emotional capacity to even consider you right now. In fact his actions during your visit would indicate just that.

Please know I don't mean to be harsh but it's important to look at these facts I think.

You don't mention the relationship before the holiday. Alcohol, cocaine, what is his history, how long was he "sober"? Has he been abusive and erratic before? You don't live in the same area, you wonder if he planned this binge. Realistically you don't even know if he was sober before you arrived.
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:24 AM
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I am thinking the same thing trail mix is, you have no way of knowing if he was actually clean and sober, you were not present 24/7. So maybe he talked and texted with you daily, and then ended his evening drunk or stoned? Doesn’t take very long self medicate with drugs or alcohol...

As far as “ he planned this” I don’t know about that, perhaps you just got a front row seat to who he really is today...
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Your friend is an alcoholic/addict who has just relapsed, attempted suicide (or so he said) is either in denial about his sexuality or is totally confused and is currently in a rehab facility.

Those are the facts.

Is this the person you want as a romantic partner?

I am not saying he is not "worthy" or at the root of it is not a good person, I'm sure he is or you wouldn't be around him at all probably. He must have good attributes.

Thing is, he is an addict and he is going through a very trying time. While an apology would be nice I wouldn't be focusing on that at all. He is attempting (I hope) to pull his life together. Think about that for a minute. How hard is that?

With all that perhaps he doesn't have the emotional capacity to even consider you right now. In fact his actions during your visit would indicate just that.

Please know I don't mean to be harsh but it's important to look at these facts I think.

You don't mention the relationship before the holiday. Alcohol, cocaine, what is his history, how long was he "sober"? Has he been abusive and erratic before? You don't live in the same area, you wonder if he planned this binge. Realistically you don't even know if he was sober before you arrived.
He was sober since March, he went to Glasgow for a weekend to visit his godparents and went on a bender. I know he was sober in the months before as he would ring me every day on video chat from his parents house, they wouldn't tolerate him drinking. Yes last year around autumn time he was the same, went on binges of cocaine and alcohol and saw the abuse. He recalls nothing afterwards. In between then when sober, he doesn't even crave drink or drugs he does so we'll. I hear what your saying about his emotional capacity I really do, but it hard to get across how close we were. Like I said, rang me few times a day, messaged me and confided in me more than anyone, could be his real self with me. I know he is trying to pull his life together again now, my thing is, if he can be online texting other people, why not a simple text to me, even to say, I'm doing ok, will be in touch when out, anything really!
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:34 AM
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It is possible that you mean or represent something to him he is simply incapable of handling right now. His message is loud and clear that he does not desire contact with you at the moment. I know how difficult it is to not take this personally. It isn’t. It is addiction.

In the meantime, you have the opportunity now to begin building a life that does not so heavily rely on this relationship.
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
It is possible that you mean or represent something to him he is simply incapable of handling right now. His message is loud and clear that he does not desire contact with you at the moment. I know how difficult it is to not take this personally. It isn’t. It is addiction.

In the meantime, you have the opportunity now to begin building a life that does not so heavily rely on this relationship.
I hear what you are saying and that's potentially true. We we're above all friends first and shared everything in our lives and a very supportive friend at that through everything he's been through, so again apart from the sexuality thing I'm struggling to understand how he would not want his best friend involved and messaging others. But as others have said I'm going to leave it and if he wants to he will contact me first.
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